Logan Hufford | Sexual Addictions: What Porn and Adultery Did to His Life, Wife, and Marriage, How He Was Freed from the Bondage, & We Can Be Too!

"It's probably not going to be quick or easy, but healing (from porn and sexual addiction) is possible. There is hope!" ~ Logan Hufford

Guest Bio: Logan is a born & raised Alaskan, married to his gorgeous bride Carrie, who herself is a 4th-generation Alaskan; and together they are raising 4 amazing, but crazy little monkeys. Their life is a simple one - they love their family time, their dogs, and exploring the beautiful Alaskan wilderness. And yet, absolutely none of this should be possible today. For years, Logan did just about everything in his power to destroy his marriage and his life. Logan was a raging sex addict. Porn, affairs, hiring prostitutes, and more had simply become a way of life for Logan. He thought he had no hope. In 2016, God began to change all that. Watch or listen now to see how Logan found hope, his marriage healing, and yours can too!

SHOW NOTES: 

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/no.longer.in.bondage?igsh=MWl6d3B0NzE0Y2ltdQ%3D%3D&utm_source=qr
• FrankSpeech URL: https://frankspeech.com/v/3ktdk

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CORE THEMES, KEYWORDS, & MENTIONS:

• Bondage, pain, God’s love, God’s forgiveness, Alaska, freedom, sexual addiction, addiction recovery, pornography, adultery, fornication, sobriety, betrayal, trauma, betrayal trauma, unhealthy mindsets, dopamine, lingerie magazines, triggers, parenting intentionally, vulnerable conversations with your children, shame, guilt, masturbation, lusting, addiction, temptation, porn, sheltered life, prodigal son, church, hope, seeds planted, idolatry, affairs,  Craigslist, cheating, searing our conscious, molestation, accountability, divorce, the Holy Ghost, mentor, mentorship, marriage ultimatum, selfis

Transcript

Logan Hufford | Sexual Addictions: What Porn and Adultery Did to His Life, Wife, and Marriage, How He Was Freed from the Bondage, & We Can Be Too! 16 Dec 2024

[00:00:00] David Pasqualone: Hello friends, we just finished recording an episode where I've never been more direct, forward, and harsh on a guest. The gentleman took it like a champ because he understands how important the topic we're talking about is and how truly being restored is in this area. So, we have this episode. This episode with Logan Hufford, we talk about adultery, we talk about betrayal, we talk about pornography, we talk about the road to restitution, and we make no excuses.

[00:00:35] David Pasqualone: It's an explicit episode in content matter, and frankly, I get passionate a few times and let it rip. So I'm not excusing my behavior, but I'm telling you, it's real. And I'm super thankful we had him on the show because he tells about his journey and how God healed his life and his marriage and how you can too.

[00:00:57] Warning! Mature Audiences 18+ Only: Warning. The interview you're about to experience has already positively changed people's lives. If applied appropriately, it can change yours, too. The views expressed are those of the guest and host. The content of this podcast is not meant to be legal, financial, or medical advice. This episode may contain graphic details of the guest's life. Listener discretion is advised.

[00:01:18] David Pasqualone: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Remarkable People Podcast. This week we have a special guest all the way from Alaska, Logan Hufford. Logan, how are you today, brother? Man, it's great to have you. Our listeners have been with us, some for five years, some for five seconds. This is their first episode. All around the world, they're here to listen to your story today.

[00:01:44] David Pasqualone: We're gonna go through it. There'll be tons of information we can all use to grow from and be encouraged. But if you guarantee our listeners one thing they're gonna leave with, if they stick with your episode, what is that? 

[00:01:57] Logan Hufford: That there is no bondage, no pain that I can be trapped in that God's healing is not going to be able to cover.

[00:02:08] Logan Hufford: That's not to say that it will be quick or easy. But there is no place I can get myself trapped that God cannot get me out of. 

[00:02:18] David Pasqualone: Amen. I believe that wholeheartedly. I believe that biblically. I believe that from observing people's lives and I believe that for my own life. So Logan, we're gonna get into how you came to this.

[00:02:30] David Pasqualone: What happened in your life? We're gonna go through your Your teenage years, your adulthood to where you are today. The good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty ugly, right? Everything that makes us the men and women we are today, we're going to talk about in your life. So ladies and gentlemen, get your pen, get your paper, get a beverage you like.

[00:02:47] David Pasqualone: Get ready for a remarkable episode. We're gonna take a quick affiliate break and then we're back with our remarkable friend, Logan Hufford.

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[00:03:57] David Pasqualone: All right, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back. And Logan, Let's do it, man.

[00:04:02] David Pasqualone: Take us through your story. What was your upbringing life? Were you born in Alaska? Were you born somewhere else? Parents, sisters, brothers? Where did your life begin, my 

[00:04:13] Logan Hufford: friend? Absolutely. Yeah. I actually was born and raised up here in Alaska, in Anchorage, Alaska. Now I live in the Valley which is Wasilla, which is about an hour North, but yeah, grew up.

[00:04:25] Logan Hufford: In the nineties in Alaska, I was homeschooled. I was, I am the baby of five siblings. I got two older brothers, two older sisters was raised by my mom and my dad, very secure, very stable upbringing. A fact that I, Very much looked over, I think, as a, well, not, I think I did, you know, as, as a kid. And now, especially being in recovery for the last almost nine years and hearing so many different stories from so many different folks throughout addiction recovery, I realize [00:05:00] now I am, my story is the, the, the one thing that stands out about my upbringing is how ridiculously rare.

[00:05:09] Logan Hufford: It is. To, to be somebody in addiction recovery and not come from a background where I felt unloved, unsafe, you know, unsafe where I had some sort of trauma, some sort of tragic thing happen. I, I, I truly never had those things happen to me. I was loved and safe and taken care of, weren't spoiled, but like, you know, we had what we needed.

[00:05:35] Logan Hufford: And yet, I still found myself completely trapped in bondage to addiction. And that started as a kid with pornography and that just accelerated and accelerated and it got to the point where by the time I was 20 years old, I got married. And when I was at the altar saying I do to my wife, Carrie, I had already cheated on her.

[00:06:04] Logan Hufford: With multiple women, in addition to struggling with pornography, I cheated on her physically. And then we got married and we had our first boy, 11 months later, more affairs. And that just continued this hell on earth story for the next several years. Until eventually I got an ultimatum and she, she had the strength and the courage to face her abuser me and say, I can't stop you from cheating on me.

[00:06:35] Logan Hufford: But if, if you don't, if you do not stop, and if you do not seek serious help, then me and the boys are gone and you will lose us. And you know, there was not a toggle switch that just got flipped and boom, I became healthy Logan or sober Logan. It, it took time, but. That scared me enough to go, okay, I don't think I can get help.

[00:06:58] Logan Hufford: I think I'm too far gone. I think I'm too broken, but I'll try. And within one year, God started to flood my life, started to flood our family's life with multiple people and resources. Who had been down similar paths, but more importantly, who had experienced healing from incredible hurt and trauma, both recovery folks for myself for Carrie on the betrayal trauma side.

[00:07:28] Logan Hufford: And it's been an incredible journey. And so I know that's like the super, super zoomed out version, but that's, that's all good. That is why I'm here, man, to shout from the rooftops. Because I, I did not think as a, as a 20 something dad, husband, just feeling like the absolute worst human on earth, even though I desperately wanted to be a good dad and husband.

[00:07:51] Logan Hufford: And I felt like I couldn't, I felt like I was too far gone. I just can't figure it out. I did not think healing was possible. And so I'm, I'm here to shout from the rooftops that, Hey, again, it's, it's not gonna be quick or easy, but healing is possible. 

[00:08:05] David Pasqualone: Yeah, no, I think that's so true. Healing is always possible, but like you said, sometimes it's a lot of work and people don't like work and people don't like to wait.

[00:08:14] David Pasqualone: So, let's go back, because all of us have a past, but you and I grew up, and I don't want to speak, I think you're a little bit younger than me, maybe up to 10 years. So I'm, I'm in my mid to late forties. So you're younger than me. When my generation grew up just a few years ahead of you, cable television was coming out and you had the scrambled playboy channel.

[00:08:40] David Pasqualone: And every kid could go to the channel and watch it. And then they had free porn weekends, right? Where they literally just anybody with a cable box got porn and then they'd get smart and they, you know, they put boxes in and then all the guys and girls would go to the channel after it and then turn the old fashioned UHF VHF TV back One channel and watch porn.

[00:09:05] David Pasqualone: So they, our generation was just like this Nazi test dummy for satanic filth, right? And we were getting it in ways that our parents and grandparents and throughout history. So how did it start for you? And the reason I ask that is for two reasons. One, people who are listening might connect. And two, parents who are listening can safeguard, hopefully, their children and families.

[00:09:29] David Pasqualone: Because so many people, you know, they're not into an addiction. They're not They're not criminals, so they don't think like a criminal. I'm not talking about this, like you're a criminal. What I'm saying is you don't think about robbing a bank, right? But people who are so good at it, they're great bank robbers.

[00:09:47] David Pasqualone: Too bad they didn't put that effort towards something good. Right? Right, right. But when people have an addiction, they find ways to get it. And usually it's given to them at first. So where did Logan's, where did that first hook saying put in [00:10:00] your life come from? 

[00:10:01] Logan Hufford: Yeah. And I just want to like verbally dog ear something that you said, and maybe we'll circle back to it later.

[00:10:07] Logan Hufford: But I mean, you talk about like criminal thinking and I, I do not, I do not hide from this at all. A hundred percent addict thinking, criminal thinking a different way to say it is just, Hey, severely unhealthy thinking. Right. Absolutely. I had so many different ways of thinking, ways of operating that absolutely fit into that realm of criminal thinking, addict thinking.

[00:10:33] Logan Hufford: So we can, and there's some specific tools that were huge and have continued to be huge in my recovery that apply to that and how to work through those unhealthy mindsets. Yeah. And again, so like, how did I get started? I mean, this is, it's kind of wild. Only in the sense that this is not how you would expect.

[00:10:55] Logan Hufford: Because I didn't have, I grew up in a pretty shelter, very sheltered compared to most homes, very sheltered upbringing where we, we did have a lot of protections around things. Like there were, there were definitely no Playboy magazines. There was no, none of that, no dirty magazines. We didn't even get, you know, we, we, we didn't get many magazines period.

[00:11:15] Logan Hufford: You know, what, what, we didn't even have like People Magazine, you know, nothing like that. We didn't have. Anything that would have been obviously dangerous, I think to almost anyone. Now in my teen years, I, we had satellite TV because we're a big sports family. And so my dad always wanted to be able to watch all the college football games.

[00:11:32] Logan Hufford: So we had satellite TV. So when I was a teenager, yeah, I figured out how to, you know, sneak downstairs and watch, you know, porn and stuff like that. But that came later. To answer your question, my introduction to pornography technically wasn't even pornography, but it was my intro to it. And it was.

[00:11:52] Logan Hufford: Lingerie and swimwear photos in a JCPenney catalog. Like I kid you not. So even in a house that did not have any sort of porn readily available obviously I'm younger than you, but I'm still old enough to where it's like, when I was growing up, the internet was a thing, but it was, you know, we didn't have iPads, right?

[00:12:13] Logan Hufford: There were no smartphones. We had dial up internet. And of course, you know, it's like, it was really, really slow. And so I couldn't just, You know, get on the computer and just find whatever I wanted you know, quick or easy. So that was my start. It was sexually objectifying these pictures of women. I was maybe nine years old.

[00:12:31] Logan Hufford: I don't remember how old exactly, but it was pre puberty. I didn't know about sex. I didn't know anything other than I like how I feel when I see these pictures of women. that aren't wearing very much and I'm objectifying them. I couldn't even have verbalized like, Oh, I'm imagining myself with them or no, I, because I, again, I didn't even know how sexual things worked.

[00:12:56] Logan Hufford: So all I knew was there's like a physical feeling. And I, and I like that. And I want to see more of this. And it was a long process that didn't. Didn't seemingly progress very much for quite a while. It was like this very, very slow burn. It might've been three years. Before I ever sought out pornographic videos, I think it probably was about three or four years before I started seeking out pornographic videos.

[00:13:22] Logan Hufford: Once I got to that point, though, it was, it started steadily progressing and progressing. And I mean, I always emphasize like, you know, the type of porn that I watched when I was 19 was very different than the stuff I watched when I was 14. Right. The ways that I treated women when I was 23 was very different than how I treated women when I was 18.

[00:13:40] Logan Hufford: Yeah. And then absolutely progresses. 

[00:13:42] David Pasqualone: Yeah, 100%. And Satan's slow and patient. It doesn't matter if it's a porn addiction, a food addiction gambling addiction. He'll let you have some fun and, and, you know, give you enough rope to hang yourself. And we've all been there in different ways in different addictions.

[00:13:57] David Pasqualone: So this is never to judge you, but this is trying to help people understand, number one, red flag, red flag, stay away. Red flag, red flag, protect your kids. Because yeah, I remember the same as you, getting magazines in the mail. And looking at the women and going right to the lingerie sections and you know today you don't even have to it's everywhere like I feel bad for children today and you know you can't go anywhere without seeing a modesty you go to church in these you know men and women dressed inappropriately right but like it's common within the church women wear yoga pants you can see the Every aspect of their body, modesty gone, and men are just like keeping their mouth shut.

[00:14:40] David Pasqualone: Why? Because they like it. They're not being honest and real to say how that affects them. So it's just like the system's broken. It's like politics. Everybody knows the system's broken, but people lie to your face that it's not, right? So when it comes to these magazines and when it comes to the television shows, it's all sex sells.

[00:14:59] David Pasqualone: So people [00:15:00] keep doing it because they like it. But for you, you went a few years with magazines and then you said it escalated and you started searching out porn. Was that from conversations with friends, with family? Did you see something? What was the catalyst that triggered it? Because usually, you know, there's other things in your life that, that kind of push it forward to the next level.

[00:15:23] David Pasqualone: Right. Again, like 

[00:15:24] Logan Hufford: when I, you know, I've met dozens of, not just met, I've gotten to know very intimately, you know, dozens of guys through recovery locally here in Alaska, where, you know, I know their stories. I know all their stuff. They know all of my stuff. Right. And I've walked with them for years. And almost every single one of them, you know, there's a story where they're eight years old or they're 12 years old and they were, you know, they were an older cousin or neighbor, right.

[00:15:50] Logan Hufford: Shows them a Playboy stash in the shed or they find their dad's stash or, you know, or unfortunately you got a lot of stories where, you know, somebody does something physically to them, right. That is extremely common. Like the fact that those things didn't happen to me, they make me the huge minority in recovery that nothing.

[00:16:11] Logan Hufford: Acute and tangible happened to me. It was all me seeking out things. No, it's just to answer your question. Me finding pornography literally was like, the first time I ever found porn was literally typing bikini girls or, or something like that, you know? And, and, and I, cause I wanted to see that. And here's the thing I was, I didn't actually seek out nudity for a long time because I hadn't yet trained my brain to seek that out.

[00:16:42] Logan Hufford: Of course, I didn't know anything about dopamine, right? I didn't know anything about any of this, but looking back on it, I had started to highly train my brain like Pavlov's dog, but the X rated version to seek out pictures of women that were showing a lot, but not showing everything. And I remember I, this is such a vivid memory.

[00:17:02] Logan Hufford: I don't know if I was 10 years old, 11 years. I don't know how old I was, but I was cert, I was searching for women in bikinis. And lingerie and a picture of a naked woman showed up on the computer screen. And this was the first time I'd ever seen a naked woman. And my response is probably very surprising for, I think, to most people to hear this.

[00:17:24] Logan Hufford: My response was, I was like repulsed. It was gross to me because I hadn't yet trained myself to seek that out and find pleasure in that. It was this weird thing. Now, again, like as my addiction progressed when I got a lot older, then I wanted the new thing. I wanted the foreign thing, but at that point it was still in its infancy where I just, I just wanted like the thing that I knew, which was lingerie, bikini.

[00:17:48] Logan Hufford: But yeah, me, I mean, literally just, I was a little kid. Just searching for the words that were obvious to me. Like I, I remember Googling or whatever search engine we had, you know, AOL, but like, just, you know, searching the words naked women. Cause like, I didn't know what porn sites were. I didn't, I just would search those words and see what came up.

[00:18:11] Logan Hufford: And you know, as things progressed and as I was a teenager, I basically still did that until eventually. And I, I, I hope that none of this stuff is You know, is triggering or anything like that to somebody. And I apologize if it is because I, ultimately we can never, we can never make it to where somebody else doesn't get triggered.

[00:18:30] Logan Hufford: Right. Cause we all have different things. So all of us are responsible to protect ourselves, you know, from triggers. Right. But you know, as I, as I got older, as I was a teenager, yeah, then I would start to go to my favorite sites and that kind of thing. But it definitely was not that way for a lot of years.

[00:18:45] David Pasqualone: Yeah, and what we want to talk like to our audience, ladies and gentlemen around the world, is it's not like Logan just walked out one day and said, I'm gonna be looking at this hardcore porn and, and you know, he didn't even know what it was. Like you said, first time you saw it, it repulsed you. I remember the same thing.

[00:19:01] David Pasqualone: I, I actually had, Other sexual experiences, the molestation actually, but even with the kids at school saying, Oh, do you jerk off? Or, Oh, did you see the porn on TV? Or, you know, it was always like, well, they're doing, and they seem to really like it. So I'll look, right. And then a lot of times you're like, this is stupid.

[00:19:20] David Pasqualone: This is gross. Like, and you know, what's wrong too. I guess not everybody knows it's wrong, but I came from an environment where you believe there was a God and there's right from wrong and this is wrong and this is dirty. But when all that was going on, I hope people listening are walking away with. Even the most quote unquote innocent of circumstances, they can be leaving the hooks that Satan strategically planted for their children.

[00:19:52] David Pasqualone: And what I mean is like, I ordered something and I truly don't know what it was. It was like razors or it was [00:20:00] something just I don't know, but all of a sudden I've been getting magazines in, like Travel and Leisure and Esquire and GQ. And this happened recently, like right now we're in December of 2024.

[00:20:14] David Pasqualone: This happened in the last quarter. And I'm getting magazines in that I, like, just grabbed and I threw in the counter. I threw out the Esquire, because that, right off the cover, is usually dirty. But, like, the Travel and Leisure, I threw on the counter. And then one day I picked up and looked and there's like, you know, women in thongs and all this like stuff that I don't want young boys or young girls to see.

[00:20:38] David Pasqualone: Right? So if you're listening to this and you're hearing Logan, he's telling you, I grew up in a great home. My parents protected me. You know, when people say, Oh, you're isolating your kids or you're, you're putting your kids, you're setting them up for failure because you're keeping them away from the evil.

[00:20:54] David Pasqualone: No, that's your job. Like I don't feed my kids a little poison, right? I keep all the poison away from them so they don't die slowly or quickly. So Logan, you're being transparent. Really? You're saying like, my parents protected me, did their best. But I either saw stuff they didn't know was even there, or I went out and sought it, right?

[00:21:15] David Pasqualone: Like you said, you're the, you're actually the rarity. So if you're listening to this, ladies and gentlemen, you got magazines around your house. And you have television shows that you know you probably shouldn't be watching, but definitely your kids shouldn't be watching. Think about the, of the ripple effect five years, 10 years, 20 years down the road, and you're going to hear more about how it hurt Logan and his wife and his kids and their whole family.

[00:21:40] David Pasqualone: So Logan, first off, did I say anything wrong? Anything you want to add? Anything you want? Well, 

[00:21:45] Logan Hufford: yeah, there's, there's one thing and we can, we can certainly unpack it later, but I just want to make sure that, I at least throw this in there right now. So I, I, I do try to give a lot of credit to my mom and dad.

[00:21:57] Logan Hufford: Cause they, they were very intentional parents. They did a really good job in a lot of different ways. But there's, there is, we're all humans, right? There is no perfect way to do life. There's no perfect parents. So this isn't me throwing any shade at them or anything. It's just, it's just, it's a reality.

[00:22:11] Logan Hufford: Just like I've got all kinds of weaknesses, you know, or, or, or tendencies that aren't ideal. One thing that was very much missing. I kind of realized it as a kid. I very much realized it as an adult. There, there were like almost never, Which is a word that I don't use much, but there were almost never vulnerable conversations that my parents would have with me and my siblings.

[00:22:36] Logan Hufford: And so that is one thing I do want to throw out there to anyone listening is absolutely. Yes. Like you said, you know, make sure that you're careful about what kind of magazines are coming in the mail or, you know, nowadays, maybe it's, it's something else, right? It's, it's more of the streaming services that you've got, the apps on your phone, all these different things.

[00:22:53] Logan Hufford: Absolutely. Like we need to make sure as you put it, we need to make sure that poison is not sitting on the counter. Right. But here's the kicker. If there is, you know, rat poison and you're not going to, you're not going to leave it out in the counter. Okay, good. Or think about it like this, a gun, right?

[00:23:13] Logan Hufford: Somebody has got a loaded gun, you know, they've got ammo, whatever. It's one thing to put it somewhere safe to make sure that stuff is not out in the open. Absolutely that we need to do that. But we also need to have conversations with our kids about what that stuff can do. We need to have conversations with our kids about why they shouldn't be playing with that gun, right?

[00:23:36] Logan Hufford: Why they shouldn't be tasting that, you know, rat poison or whatever. And so, you know, to, to get away from the metaphor, but just talking about this as it is, I got to have conversations with my kids about why we're not going to watch that movie or why. You know, I changed the channel on the, or the, the radio station or, you know, switch the song that was playing from my phone or why I'm looking away during a commercial or whatever the thing is.

[00:24:06] Logan Hufford: And those are hard conversations to have. Sometimes those are really hard conversations. They're very much they're sometimes awkward, but they're very much humbling because I don't have all the answers. And yet I got to have them, you know, I got to be vulnerable and have those conversations and talk about the why, because otherwise it's the forbidden fruit.

[00:24:24] Logan Hufford: And that's not, I don't want anyone to feel shame or to feel like it's your fault. If your kid does something like, no, I made my choices. That wasn't my parents fault. That was my fault. But I do want to set my kids up for success. And one of the ways I do that is by having vulnerable conversations. You know, and opening up those conversations and doing what I can to keep those lines of communication open as time goes on.

[00:24:52] David Pasqualone: Yeah, no, I think that's very well said and very true. And again, we're not seeing if a kid grows up, it's the parent's fault. [00:25:00] It's, I'm a man, you're a man, everybody listening is a man or a woman. It's our fault. Right? Things might have happened to us to warp us, but now it's our job to get with God and get it straightened out.

[00:25:11] David Pasqualone: And the point of just, like you made a comment and you're a hundred percent right about, you know, parents not bringing the filth into the house where people can see it. Hopefully they don't bring it where it gets hidden either. That's even worse. Correct. Correct. No, I'm saying, I had a family people would go to church with us and they talked about God and the kids, you know, we were all in youth group together.

[00:25:32] David Pasqualone: And then the kid brings over like porn one day. I'm like, get that out of here. I was trying to really live for God and do the right thing. I was like 17. And I'm like, where the hell did, where do you get this from? He's like, Oh, my parents have a chest at the end of the bed with a bunch of sex toys and magazines and stuff.

[00:25:49] David Pasqualone: So the parents thought they were stupid. You know, the parents were addicted. They had a whole chest of toys and stuff they, they shouldn't have had. And then the kids knew, so now it just makes them look like hypocrites and God's not real. So it's one of those things that open rebuke in the Bible, it says is better than secret love.

[00:26:06] David Pasqualone: And I'm not saying go around bragging about being involved in addictions. But what I'm saying is, be real and honest and transparent about everything. Because if you're hiding it from your kids, you need to get out of your life. So your kids aren't victim to it. So you're going around now, let's get back to your story.

[00:26:23] David Pasqualone: You are young. You're looking at magazines. It could be anything. You get a fishing aquarium magazine and there's a picture of women naked in a foreign tribe. I've saw that. I remember that when I was a kid, right? I'm like, damn, like I like this magazine. I was like, I mean for 

[00:26:41] Logan Hufford: me, like literally the, some of those stuff that that I would use once I learned how to masturbate, you know, it was, cause it was, as my mentor would say, As an addict, I'll take any port in the storm.

[00:26:54] Logan Hufford: And so for me, yeah, there were, there was never. A quote unquote pornographic magazine ever in my hands as a kid, but I remember, you know, I would get basketball. I've always loved sports. I loved cars. So like I would have car magazines. Well, there's usually going to be ads in that, in that magazine, right.

[00:27:12] Logan Hufford: That are meant to sexualize, you know, imagery of women. Same thing with basketball magazines, you know, there's going to be ads. And so if I would find one ad or two ads or whatever, and I would, you know, key in on those things. So it, it, which is on one hand, it's like, absolutely. We need to make sure that for sure that stuff isn't around.

[00:27:33] Logan Hufford: We need to be willing to have vulnerable conversations, but also recognizing like, I can never, and this goes back to the conversation piece. I will never be able to protect my kid from all temptation. Like there will be temptation because my parents did a really good job of protecting me for the most part, but that's where those conversations need to be had.

[00:27:53] Logan Hufford: Because even though there was nothing obvious, I still found something, right? 

[00:27:57] David Pasqualone: Yeah. And that's the difference in the addiction. Not everybody understands a porn addiction, but most people have a tendency towards something. And you know, if you have someone who's a drug addict, you know, they'll look for drugs, they'll take drugs, they'll steal drugs, they'll do whatever it takes.

[00:28:15] David Pasqualone: They'll do, what do they call it? Carpet mining, where they literally go through the fabric. of the carpet, looking for old drugs that fell in and so they can put in their pipe and smoke it. So, when people are addicted to porn, even if they're in a quote unquote clean space, they'll be looking through books and encyclopedias for pictures, anything to get themselves off.

[00:28:37] David Pasqualone: So, it's a very, it's a very you can't, like you said, you can't protect your kids from everything. But what I'm saying is don't be an idiot and don't protect them from nothing. You know, don't protect them from nothing. Protect them as much as you can. Yep. So go on. So now you're 14 and then, and to go back to make sure it's clear when it escalated to the next level, what put the thought in your head that you recognized or remember at this point, looking back?

[00:29:04] Logan Hufford: Yeah. And all, most of my dates or, or ages to this point in the story, these are guesses. Like, to be honest, I don't remember exact ages, but I, I know kind of the general range. Once I get into my later teens, early twenties, you know, at that point I mostly know, yeah, it was this date or is this age, but yeah, the, the big level up for me.

[00:29:24] Logan Hufford: And I mean that in a really bad way, like my addiction leveling up was when I learned how to masturbate. When I learned how to masturbate, it was like, oh my gosh, this whole new world is opened because now it's not just, okay, I got some stuff going on in my brain. I got maybe some, you know, rush of blood or I, I've got like some, you know, these dopamine hits.

[00:29:47] Logan Hufford: Like now it's like, okay, I can really do something about this that gives me pleasure. And so that, that was a big deal. And then I wanted to, it went from [00:30:00] something that would. That I would do. And it wasn't, of course it wasn't passive me lusting and objectifying was not a passive thing, but it was more of like I don't know.

[00:30:09] Logan Hufford: The only way I can think to put it is it felt like almost a passive activity compared to what it became. Because once I learned how to masturbate, then I was extremely intentional. I guess that's, that's the word before I wasn't really intentional as a kid. But once I learned how to masturbate, I was very intentional.

[00:30:25] Logan Hufford: I was very strategic. In, you know, finding materials that I could objectify and, you know, carving out a time or space or, okay, I'm alone for this long, or it's at nighttime or whatever. And then I wanted to do it more and more and more. And a lot of times there wasn't much opportunity because, you know, I've got siblings and I got parents and they weren't going to be cool with, if they knew about any of this stuff, they weren't gonna be cool with it.

[00:30:49] Logan Hufford: So I had to, you know, bide my time. But whenever I had the opportunity, you know, Because I was the baby of five, you know, there eventually came to a point where I was a teenager and my, you know, my siblings would be at work or at school or, or whatever, you know, in college, my mom's at a doctor's appointment, my dad's at work and okay, I got the computer myself.

[00:31:10] Logan Hufford: I'm gonna look at everything right. All afternoon. Or, I mean, literally, I remember You know, recording stuff onto a VHS tape. That's where it's like, I'm older than some, I'm younger than some, you know, it was like recording stuff from, you know, some porn movie that I'd recorded on a VHS tape. And now I get a chance to finally watch it.

[00:31:28] Logan Hufford: And then once I would watch it and I would, you know, act out to it. Then if I felt like, okay, I've, you know, I've I've been playing with fire long enough. I better be careful. I would literally go through these binge purge cycles where I would like take that VHS tape and then I would take it out to the trash.

[00:31:44] Logan Hufford: I would dismantle it, you know, take apart the tape, everything. And if, you know, if it's like, if a young teenager is listening to this, like, what the heck is a tape? But literally, you know, I'm just like taking it all apart to cover my tracks. And then maybe I would go a couple months before doing something like that again, but then I would, I would bring binge per cycle.

[00:32:04] Logan Hufford: I'm going to get back into acting out again. I'm going to get back into finding things. And it started to become very compulsive. And that those two words, I was, I was impulsive, right? I would like, I'm feeling a certain urge, a certain thing. So I'm going to go do it. And it almost feels like I have to, and it was compulsive.

[00:32:22] Logan Hufford: I mean, I was, Very much, I, you know, I, without even realizing it, I was allowing myself to be driven by my addiction, driven by temptations. And really it just, it kind of continued on that track throughout my teen years where it was. It was porn. It was masturbation. There was basically no external signs, like as related to like me and, and, and girls, I was very shy around girls.

[00:32:50] Logan Hufford: I felt ugly. I didn't think that girls would like me and that I didn't feel like I could get attention from girls. And so you know, porn was that sort of, it was, it was like that refuge in a sexual way, in a very unhealthy way. And it wasn't until I was an older teen and I started to like, okay, I can, I can get some attention from girls.

[00:33:13] Logan Hufford: I can actually get you know, a little, little feedback and get a response that I like from, you know, a woman my age or a girl, my age. Once that started to happen, that was, that was literally like going from weed to heroin, you know, it was like, now I, I want, now the whole world has opened up to me in a very unhealthy way.

[00:33:35] David Pasqualone: Yeah. And so talk about that. Where does your life go? Yeah. So 

[00:33:41] Logan Hufford: all through my childhood. And when I say that literally, I mean like all the way through living at home 18 years old. I'm still sheltered. Like I'm still like, and so even, you know, when I first started working, I had a car, like I'm still coming home to my house and we lived several miles outside of the of the city of Anchorage.

[00:33:59] Logan Hufford: So there was no like, you know, sneaking out or anything like that. And so I wasn't going out to parties. I wasn't, so it really stayed to that pattern of just porn when I could sneak it. Well, 2009, so I was 18, I turned 19 during the summer, 2009, I went to Houston, Texas. So up from Alaska down to Houston, Texas.

[00:34:26] Logan Hufford: And I worked, I was doing door to door sales down in Houston. And that was my prodigal son moment. That was me living with a bunch of dudes who largely did not have healthy infrastructures at all. You know, it's, it's a fair statement. Largely had very unhealthy infrastructures. And now I was younger than them.

[00:34:51] Logan Hufford: A lot of them were in their like mid twenties. And so they're, you know, they're, they're partying whenever they can. They're having girls [00:35:00] over all these guys. And I'm just like, it's so excited, ecstatic to see what I can try to see what I can do. When I look back at that summer, two things are true. On one hand, I got myself into so much trouble.

[00:35:12] Logan Hufford: My addiction really started to escalate. Me experimenting with drugs, experimenting with, you know, mixing sex with drugs, with alcohol, all these things, all of that took place. And yet the hand of God's protection was on me in the sense that, man, I was protected from so many consequences that could have, should have happened.

[00:35:41] Logan Hufford: Like the fact that I didn't, this is not an exaggeration. The fact that I didn't die down there, the fact that I didn't get beaten up badly, the fact that I didn't get an STD down there, like so many terrible physical consequences very likely should have happened down there and, and, and they didn't. And yet, I still definitely got myself in a lot of trouble in the sense that yeah my addiction really took off.

[00:36:08] Logan Hufford: I lost my virginity to a 37 year old female drug dealer and heroin addict. And here's the thing, I thought that was so cool. Like this was such a Cool thing to me that I am partying with this older woman and there's like this whole underworld thing going on. And it's like, this is, this is, and again, I want to be really careful.

[00:36:39] Logan Hufford: I'm not trying to send shit sensationalize. I'm not trying to trigger, but I, what I am trying to do is spotlight how. low my life got. And this was, this was when it really started to get, you know, externally low, right? Because for me as an 18, 19 year old kid or adult at that point, this is the kind of stuff that I fantasized about, you know, and now I've got it.

[00:37:06] Logan Hufford: Now I've got this risky, dark, kind of cool, kind of dangerous lifestyle. And it was so risky. It was so insane. It was so foolish. I mean, it absolutely was the prodigal son. I remember Houston's a huge city, right? I mean, a lot of people, but it's a really big area. I, I worked six days a week, 12 hours a day, and there would be multiple nights where I would, we were up by technically in Spring, Texas, we're like North Houston.

[00:37:44] Logan Hufford: And I would routinely drive from our apartment complex. I didn't have a car. Thank God I did not have a car. But when I could, I would borrow my buddy's car. And I would drive to go, you know, party with whatever girl or woman that I, you know, that I could. And so I remember, you know, driving across Houston, Texas, literally across to South Houston, West Houston, and, you know, going over there for hours and then coming back and maybe getting like a half an hour, a little cat nap before going to work for 12 hours.

[00:38:21] Logan Hufford: And again, it was like, it was physically miserable, but it was, there was that huge part of me that was like, this is fun. This is cool. I remember going to church, which is, that's another crazy thing. I went to church almost every Sunday down there. Nobody, nobody made me right. My, my, my parents weren't there.

[00:38:38] Logan Hufford: Like I didn't have to go to church. And yet I wanted to be around Christians. Even, even by this point, I already had like given away any hope that I could have a healthy life, like already at the age of 18, 19. But I, I do remember like, I wanted to be around people that had God in their life because I, I always valued that even though unfortunately it was, it became more of like a head knowledge only type of thing for me.

[00:39:10] Logan Hufford: But I mean, I remember going to church. Having partied all night, you know, and smelling like whatever, right. And looking like whatever, and just wanting to be near like that. That's where the imagery of, you know, the prodigal just like, Hey, I'm not going to be part of my father's family, but, you know, maybe possibly I could be like a slave for, you know, that like serves his land, right.

[00:39:40] Logan Hufford: Serves him. Like, that was me, like, I, I know I can't be part of God's family, but maybe possibly I can just like sit in a pew near his family. That would be something. And that summer, it was just, yeah, there was a, it was such a terrible time in the, in a sense [00:40:00] of sin, just spreading like a cancer, you know, through my life and through my routines.

[00:40:05] Logan Hufford: And then here's the crazy thing. I came back to Alaska because I was only down there for the summer. I came back to Alaska. And for the most part, it was like nothing happened. I'm living with my parents again. I'm like going to church on Sundays. I remember going to like an every man's battle, you know, sexual integrity class with other guys from the church and like, and there was part of it that wasn't a facade.

[00:40:31] Logan Hufford: There was part of it that again, like I did value God. I did value the ideals of like a Christian life. I just, I couldn't seem to figure out. How to make them work for me, like how to implement those things. And there was also at that point in my life, there was also a part of me didn't want to, right? I wanted the pleasure.

[00:40:50] Logan Hufford: I wanted the sin. I wanted the world. But you know, I just kind of like went back to being the good, the good boy and anyone who knew me, my parents, my other people in church, for the most part, they didn't not, not that they thought it was perfect or something, but they had no idea, you know, what had gone on in Houston.

[00:41:07] Logan Hufford: They had no idea. You know that I was looking at porn and the things that were going and even I didn't realize the seeds that had been planted. And unfortunately, I wouldn't realize that until those seeds started to grow, grow roots, grow fruit, and that fruit came out once I You know, it was with my now wife and the, that was like the final, you know, evolution of, of this addiction.

[00:41:38] David Pasqualone: Yeah. And let's talk about that. So ladies and gentlemen, Logan and I have just been talking with you and talking with one another about, you know, where it all started, how it all came about, how it grew. And I love how you talked about, and whether you realize or not, you said how, at 18, you were already deceived that you had no hope.

[00:42:00] David Pasqualone: There was no hope for you, but you wanted to be around people, right? And that's what Sane does. He steals the hope. He gives us Kool Aid that's laced with poison. And it seems like fun and it always ends in death. And we just keep going back to that Kool Aid unless we're walking with God. We as humanity.

[00:42:23] David Pasqualone: So now, you're thinking that there's no hope for you, but you like being around Christians, and all this is fun and games, and all this is, yeah, it's bad, but you said you want to do it. So now you get to the point where you meet this great woman, and this could have been the moment that God had for you. It was nothing but beautiful and bounty and blessings.

[00:42:45] David Pasqualone: And before you even got there, Satan stole it from you. And, and your story ends well, but that doesn't for most, you know, 10, 000 out of 10, 000, usually it fails. You're, you know, you're the lucky anomaly blessed. But talk about you. How did you meet your wife and where'd your life go from there? 

[00:43:05] Logan Hufford: So that same, that same principle or that pattern of like how it was in Houston and wanting to be around church.

[00:43:13] Logan Hufford: Well, we see that pattern pop up again shortly after. So I met Carrie, my wife, Carrie, I met her would have been around Halloween. It was like October, late October of 2009. So it was shortly after I got back to Alaska and we worked together for a short period of time. And even though I wanted so badly to like, In some version, you know, get back to that lifestyle that had begun in Houston, Texas, right.

[00:43:44] Logan Hufford: Or the lifestyle that had evolved, I guess, in Houston, Texas, I, you know, there's still that part of me that valued the Christian ideals. Right. And so I met Carrie and one of the first things that stood out to me, I definitely, the very first thing to be totally honest was the fact that she was gorgeous, but she was a new believer and she was very open and honest about her faith.

[00:44:10] Logan Hufford: And how excited she was to tell people that she knew Jesus. And that was a, that was a very attractive quality to me, which is so wild in a sense, right? Because like, I am wanting to look at porn whenever I can. I'm wanting to party and do all these different, and yet it was very attractive to me that this girl not only was a Christian, but that she was proud to talk about her faith.

[00:44:33] Logan Hufford: That was attractive to me. And so we started talking like very heavily about just life and had deep conversations. We talked about before we ever went on a date, we talked about things that we valued. And, and I, I was honest in those things. I, I, I mean, I, I talked about, you know, I, I valued family and I wanted to have a family.

[00:44:57] Logan Hufford: And I, that I, I, Even though I [00:45:00] didn't enjoy being homeschooled that I saw, I saw why, and I saw a lot of value in that. And I was like, yeah, I would want to homeschool my kids. And she came from a totally different background, but she also wanted to have a family. She wanted to have kids. She also wanted to homeschool her kids.

[00:45:14] Logan Hufford: You know, there were a lot of elements that we valued that were, there were common denominators and we started dating very quickly. That, you know, that budding romance. grew and a lot of my lust seemed to go away. And if anyone's listening, please keep listening because hear me, it didn't go away. It seemed to go away.

[00:45:45] Logan Hufford: What happened was for a while, my lust, my sexual objectification of women, my desire for more and for new and for different, it was sneaky. It transformed into Me being obsessed with her. And so it was like me objectifying her, me just wanting to think about her all the time and completely idolize her.

[00:46:19] Logan Hufford: And so it wasn't that I got healthier. It was that, like, it took a different form. So I did I stopped looking at porn for a while. Now that's a vague statement, but I honestly don't remember how long it was. Several months though, I think, which was, would have been like the first time in a long time that I'd gone that long.

[00:46:34] Logan Hufford: I, and I remember I was living with a roommate at this time and me and him both. Like we would do Bible studies together. We would talk about our struggle with porn. We would talk about how we wanted to get healthier. And like, I meant all those things, but that wasn't me. Again, that wasn't me trying to be fake or, you know, put on a lie, put on a face.

[00:46:55] Logan Hufford: I truly did want to move past pornography. I wanted to put that in the rear view mirror, but I was like the, I was the seed, you know, Well, I guess really you could use like every single, every single illustration that Jesus gives. I was the seed in the rocky soil. I was the seed on the ground, the shallow ground.

[00:47:15] Logan Hufford: I was the seed, you know, scattered on the road, right? I was all those seeds. I didn't have strong roots. I didn't have a healthy infrastructure that I had built. Like I was born into a healthy infrastructure, but I'd never built one for myself. And my motivations were all out of whack. So porn kind of went away.

[00:47:35] Logan Hufford: Masturbation kind of went away. And it seemed like I was getting healthier. And then I got a new job. I do not blame any of my choices on other people. I don't blame any of my choices on other circumstances. I don't blame any of my choices on anything other than this guy. I made my choices. But environment does matter, right?

[00:47:57] Logan Hufford: Influences do matter. And I got into the car business. My kids could, when they grow up, they could tell me about almost any job opportunity they want to do and, and I'll support them. If my kids want to get in the car business, I, I promise you, I will work really hard to counsel them away from that. It's a very unhealthy industry.

[00:48:20] Logan Hufford: Some dealerships are different than others, but it's generally very unhealthy. So I got into the car business and very quickly. I became part of that culture where it's all about you know, what can I have right now? It's all about measuring contests, so to speak. It's all about material things.

[00:48:40] Logan Hufford: It's all about like everything that is worldly. And I just, I became part of that. And at this point in my life, I'm 20, 21 years old. And I had a fair bit of charisma. I was good at talking to people. I was good at building trust. Those aren't bad things, but what I did is I abused those things. And, you know, I talked earlier about, I, as a kid, I never thought that girls would like me.

[00:49:12] Logan Hufford: Right. I never thought I could get attention from girls. I started to get a little bit of that, you know, as I was an older teen, as a young adult, but it still was pretty, pretty come and go. Well, when in the car business, I'm talking to new people every day by the nature of math, half of those people are probably females.

[00:49:31] Logan Hufford: Right. And I learned very quickly. To seek out whatever attention I could get from any female in my path. And at this point, my wife, or Carrie and I are engaged. She's not my wife yet. We're engaged. And it's the summer, the fall, because I started in August of 2010. So it's the fall of 2010. And I had multiple, multiple [00:50:00] affairs with customers.

[00:50:01] Logan Hufford: Another lady, another dealership. I had an affair with somebody off of Craigslist, you know, an online thing. I hired a prostitute. It was, the escalation was so fast and it was so steep. This was not a gradual curve anymore. This. I mean, earlier in Houston, it started to spread like cancer through, you know, maybe an area of my life.

[00:50:36] Logan Hufford: But now, I mean, it was, sin had never had its hooks in me the way it did at that point. And I started to feel shame like I'd never felt. I hadn't really felt much shame before, but now it's like, I got this beautiful young lady who is a proud believer in Jesus Christ. And I want very much to be a good husband for her one day.

[00:51:03] Logan Hufford: And I want to have a family with her. And I can't stop cheating on her, not just with porn, but also with other women multiple times over. And I didn't tell her any of these things. I still believe the ridiculous lie that, okay, this is awful. This is terrible, but there's no way I would do this once we're married.

[00:51:24] Logan Hufford: Like I almost believed it as like, Like a, you know, a bachelor weekend gone wrong kind of thing, except spread out over multiple ones. Like, yeah, this is terrible, but like, I'll for sure just, I'll, I'll, I'll get this garbage out of my system and then we'll get married. And I've come to realize now that's actually not a rare way to think, at least in terms of an addict, but it's ridiculous.

[00:51:49] Logan Hufford: It's so not true. Sin, addiction, it will take and take and take and take and take. It will not give ground back voluntarily. Satan will never voluntarily give ground back. 

[00:52:02] David Pasqualone: Yeah. And the reason why we do these episodes and get into such detail, and thank you for your transparency, Logan, is if you talk to the same women having affairs, if you talk to the same men having affairs, they believe the same lies.

[00:52:17] David Pasqualone: Satan's runs the same playbook over and over and over again and people think they're going to be the only one that can get away with it or that it's not affecting them like I had two people within the last 30 days that they're married and having marriage problems and I looked at him and I looked at her and I said oh let me guess this person said this oh and let me guess this person said that And they look like I was some freak prophet or listening into their phone calls.

[00:52:47] David Pasqualone: I'm like, you dumbass. I'm like, that's Satan. He says the same thing to you, says the same thing to her, says the same thing to millions of people across the world every day. You're just swallowing the lie. So thank you for talking about this, Logan. And if you're listening to this and you're believing the lies, you're, Logan is the exception.

[00:53:07] David Pasqualone: He's the exception. And he's going to tell you how he did it, so hopefully you can too. But most people don't recover from this problem. Most people don't recover from having adultery. Most people don't recover from being sexually, like, just devious. And it's not because they can't. God, it's not because God won't forgive you.

[00:53:26] David Pasqualone: It's not because they don't have the ability to. It's because they just don't want to. And so Logan, talk about how, like you said, you're sitting there screwing other women and you have a beautiful woman who loves you and wants to marry and spend her life with you and you almost have no conscience about it.

[00:53:43] David Pasqualone: And now you're finally starting to get a conscience. Let's be real, right? I'm not trying to be an ass. No, I'm being real. People need to connect for themselves and for our family members and for future generations. So how did you go from this having affairs to who you are now or having this conversation?

[00:54:01] Logan Hufford: Well, one thing you mentioned, I want to touch on it. Yeah. I'm starting to get a conscience, right? I, I worked very hard from the ages of like 20 when I first cheated with another woman from, from that time for the, and then the next five years of my life, I worked hard to sear my conscience. That's a really, really awful thing to admit, but it's the truth.

[00:54:31] Logan Hufford: I was intentional. I was, I would say strategic. In how I tried to do that, I wanted so badly to sear my conscience because I felt like that's the only way that I'll be able to maintain some level of sanity going through life. Like, that's awful, that's terrible, but it's, it's truly how I, how I started to operate.

[00:54:56] David Pasqualone: That's the exact words the Bible uses, searing the [00:55:00] conscience. So I mean, what you're doing, again, it's Satan send you up to put those desires in your heart. And me, I can do it too. I've done it. We, most people have to some degree, but what you did is biblical. Satan said, Hey, sear your conscience. You can have quote unquote fun.

[00:55:18] David Pasqualone: And that's the trap you fell into. And so many people around the world fall into. So I'm glad you're sharing this because it's super important that you got into it, but that you got out of it, you know, cause most people don't get out. And it's, it's sad, but it's true. Like if you're getting addicted to something, you're probably not going to get out unless you truly want it and you give yourself to God.

[00:55:42] David Pasqualone: So go ahead. And 

[00:55:43] Logan Hufford: there's a, there's a few things and we can, yeah, there's some, some stuff that would be good to unpack in that. It's, it's not to be taken lightly. That's for, that's for darn sure. And I'm not going to, I'm not just going to be able to do it by sheer willpower. That's absolutely true. 

[00:55:55] David Pasqualone: No. And your will changes.

[00:55:57] David Pasqualone: That's like when people say I married cause I love him. You're a dummy. You make a vow to God, not to each other. You also make a vow to each other, but the vow is to God. And when we love someone, loves a choice, loves an emotion, it changes. I mean, biblically, God is love. He doesn't change, but in man's eyes, that's a choice.

[00:56:16] David Pasqualone: But I can't rely on the feeling that I had. Yes. Yeah, because you might hit a high or a low and your feelings change. And if Jesus followed his feelings, we'd all be screwed. He didn't want to go to the cross. He didn't want to die for us, but he did it because it was the fact. He did the facts. He just, he knew feelings were real, but he didn't let them change his mind.

[00:56:39] David Pasqualone: Behavior. We have to live by fact, not feeling. So now you're, you're in your 20s. You've got a great girl who truly has trusted Christ as your Savior. At this point, I don't know if you want to talk about it or not, but have you really even trusted Christ as your Savior? Or are you an agent of Satan? Was Satan trying to use you, an unsaved man, to To get a girl who just got saved and steal her life from her because that's a real possibility too.

[00:57:04] David Pasqualone: So continue with the story. He's already trying to ruin yours. Is he trying to ruin hers via you? So where does your life go there? You got prostitutes, you got sex, you got everything going on. Yeah. I 

[00:57:16] Logan Hufford: mean, in answer to the, the, the question you asked about spiritual my, my, my spiritual health and, and where I was at with, with God, to be honest, I don't know is the, is the short answer.

[00:57:26] Logan Hufford: And I always, I hate giving that answer. Cause I, it feels, I feel bad. You know, I, I hear people share their testimonies and not always, but so often, you know, it's like I was, you know, especially with an addiction, right. It's like, I, I was sitting there and I, you know, I had this bottle in my hand. And I, and I heard the voice of God and I looked up and I said, you know, I, I will never do such and such.

[00:57:48] Logan Hufford: I give my life to you. Or, you know, I was driving and this thing happened and I just, I turned the car around and from that moment forward, I knew I was a child of God. I didn't have a moment like that. 100 percent did not have a moment like that. And because I was raised going to church, because I was raised knowing the Bible and memorizing scripture and all this, it does make it tricky for me to like, okay, was there a day that I went from not believing in Jesus Christ as my savior to, because here's the thing too, I absolutely will say this.

[00:58:20] Logan Hufford: Even though I, I very much know that nobody's born a Christian, you know, right. Just like I can't being born in a garage doesn't make me a car. Doesn't being born into a Christian family doesn't make me a Christian. Right. But I, I did always, even if it was only head knowledge for a long time, I did always believe in God.

[00:58:37] Logan Hufford: I believed in the existence of God. I believe that Jesus died for our sins. And I also knew the scriptures that said that the demons know that too. So it's like, so I, I knew I had the head knowledge. But I, I will, regardless of whether, you know, what moment in my life I was saved and I wasn't, I can definitely say this.

[00:59:00] Logan Hufford: I didn't have a relationship with Christ throughout my childhood. I did not have a relationship with the Creator, with my Savior. You know, prayer was something that as a child, it was a ritual, basically. That's how I Viewed it. And then by the time I was, you know, really deep into my addiction, prayer was me confessing my, my screw ups to an angry father.

[00:59:28] Logan Hufford: So I, it wasn't very enjoyable because I only did it when I screwed up is that again, that's how I viewed it, right? That was my perspective on prayer. It really wasn't until almost two years into recovery, like 2018, that I started to truly feel. Okay, I've got a relationship with my Creator. I have a relationship with my Savior.

[00:59:52] Logan Hufford: I'm not perfect, but I can talk with Him authentically. You know, I can fellowship with my God, with my [01:00:00] Savior. So that was a really long way of saying, you know, I don't know spiritually where my soul was at in some of these moments. Because I also recognize I, you know, I can live in sin for a season and still be a Christian.

[01:00:14] Logan Hufford: It doesn't mean that I, that I'm, that I'm not, but I, I, I don't know. And whether I was a Christian or not, I absolutely believe that. Yeah. Satan, Satan wanted to do what he could to taint Carrie's life. Right. Cause I mean, I, I, I shared my upbringing, her upbringing was the exact opposite. She did grow up in a house where she was, you know, where she suffered abuse.

[01:00:37] Logan Hufford: She grew up in a house where she suffered a lot of trauma, where there was a lot of brokenness. Her mom and dad, they split up when she was a baby. The stuff that went on within her life as a child and teenager was terrible. It was the opposite of my life. And, you know, she was not surrounded by God.

[01:00:54] Logan Hufford: She was, I should say, she was not surrounded by godly people. She was not surrounded by godly influences. So our trajectories were literally like total opposites. But yeah, I mean, really, I'll kind of speed through, you know, the next few years of marriage because it basically, it can be summed up like this.

[01:01:13] David Pasqualone: Well, first off, before you go on, before you got married, did you ever disclose to her you had a porn addiction or did she find out? 

[01:01:20] Logan Hufford: Yeah, I, I had shared with her that I did struggle with pornography. That I looked at it. Sometimes I didn't like that. I looked at it and I'm trying to stop. I mean, I don't remember the exact words, but I, I, I communicated that to her.

[01:01:32] Logan Hufford: So she knew that I struggle with porn. 

[01:01:34] David Pasqualone: And did she know that you had affairs and were buying prostitutes? No, no, no, 

[01:01:38] Logan Hufford: no. And so like, cause she knew about porn when we first started dating, like that was one of the things that we talked about was, you know, that I struggle with that. So. At that point in my life, that technically.

[01:01:53] Logan Hufford: On a, on a, on a certain level, if that, I saw that as the truth because I didn't realize all these other things were building and building and building. Like I 

[01:02:03] David Pasqualone: get that. Totally. I'm not, I'm not, I'm just saying, was there discussions had, or was she completely blindsided? 

[01:02:10] Logan Hufford: No. I mean, like when, when I talk to people about like our story, not so much our testimony, but just like, you know, I've had, Buddies like that I, at the gym that are like young single guys and asking for like dating advice or relationship advice.

[01:02:22] Logan Hufford: And I'm very clear with them, like, Hey, I'll tell you my story. And you know, in included in my story is a whole lot of what not to do. Like the, the way that Carrie and I actually really had deep dive conversations about what we valued in life and what we, you know, what we wanted to accomplish in life.

[01:02:41] Logan Hufford: Like that was. There was a lot of whole, a lot of garbage that I did. That was actually one sliver of like, I think there was a lot of good in that because it meant that we started off with a lot of alignment, even though I very quickly fell into, you know, terrible routines and infrastructure, but, but yeah, no, I, I definitely did not.

[01:02:58] Logan Hufford: I, I shared nothing of the infidelities with her until so six months after we got married it was the winter when married for six months. So I guess it would have been like December of 2011. And I had, you know, more affairs. So I'd cheat on her multiple times already at this point. I've been married for six months and I felt terrible and I felt awful.

[01:03:21] Logan Hufford: And I truly in that moment felt like, Oh my gosh, this is such a terrible feeling. I will never do this again. Never, ever. Cause it feels so awful. And those feelings are real, but you just hit on it. Those were feelings. Those were emotions, right? They were real. I didn't think I would ever do that again. But so I wrote her a letter and I, I don't remember how much detail I went into or not, but I told her that I had sex with other women.

[01:03:50] Logan Hufford: Now, I did not tell her about prostitutes. I do remember that. But I did tell her that I had had sex with other women. And in my head, it's like, I will never do it again. 

[01:03:59] David Pasqualone: Yeah. Yeah. No. Cause there's listeners all over the world who've been cheated on. They are cheating and they're debating whether to tell, or, or should I accept my wife or husband back that did cheat?

[01:04:09] David Pasqualone: This is a very, I mean, honestly, statistically, whether you're a Christian or not. More families are having issues than ever before, right? Adultery is off the chart. And like the last statistic I saw was not a Christian source. It was like seven out of 10 affairs were the women now, right? It's just, everything's just out of control.

[01:04:32] David Pasqualone: But when it comes to what you said is I felt guilty. Like I felt dirty and stuff. And it's like,

[01:04:46] David Pasqualone: God loves you. God loves all of us. And if you're listening to my voice and Logan's voice and you're having a fear right now, yeah, it's good that you're having some kind of, you know, [01:05:00] guilt comes from Satan. Conviction comes from the Holy Ghost. That's real clear how you know where it's coming from, what source.

[01:05:07] David Pasqualone: Fear and guilt and shame, that's from Satan. If you're feeling conviction, that's from God. But at this point, I know your story, Logan, where it's gonna go. You're not gonna have healing there because you're still worried about your feelings. Right. And ladies and gentlemen, I want you to, I, I don't want to ruin Logan's story, but if you're thinking about yourself and you're the adulterer and you're not thinking about God and you're not thinking about your spouse and you're not thinking about your children, you're wicked warped in the head and you need real help.

[01:05:42] David Pasqualone: So listen to this, reach out to Logan, reach out to people not actively involved in the sins. But you have to get healing and Logan's going to help you with that. But I want to stop right there because Logan just said stuff that we, it goes by so fast. But when the adulterers in the part about how they feel, they're useless.

[01:06:03] David Pasqualone: It's like saying somebody murdered somebody and they feel bad for what they did in prison. If somebody really felt bad for what they did, they'd be the last person to let themselves out of prison because they know how much damage they did. So if you're sitting there feeling bad for yourself because how you feel because you had an affair.

[01:06:19] David Pasqualone: You're a really messed up and you need more help than you can see. And Logan, that's where you're at in this story. So take us from there to today. 

[01:06:28] Logan Hufford: No, I appreciate that because I mean, throughout the next several years, in fact, even to the point of getting into recovery, I mean, my, my emotions, my feelings, my motivations were, I'm not going to say they were purely selfish because I don't know that that's true, but they were mostly selfish.

[01:06:45] Logan Hufford: They were mostly self serving and yeah. So my, my decision to share this with Carrie. I would have told you if I knew you back in 2011, I would have told you I'm sharing this with her. In fact, I, I did, I, I talked with a couple of coworkers that were, I was close with that knew my stuff. And they were like, dude, don't do this.

[01:07:06] Logan Hufford: Of course, because they're thinking like, well, dude, like she's going to up and leave you. And you know, like you're, you're screwing yourself. Don't, don't be honest with her. But I told them like, no, like I I'm never going to do it again. So I need to confess. I felt like it was the right thing to do. And here's the thing.

[01:07:26] Logan Hufford: I, I'll just give my own like little disclaimer, just kind of coming from the recovery angle. Cause I, I tell this to new guys all the time. When, when, when you come to a recovery group for sexual addiction if you are feeling the conviction, you're feeling guilt, you're feeling whatever you need to confess, there's, there's a lot of good that can come from those feelings.

[01:07:45] Logan Hufford: Do not go throw up on your wife. Do not go just pouring all your crap out there. Because of your emotion, because of you're on a whim, because it absolutely, it's coming from a self serving perspective, even though it probably doesn't feel like it feels like you're trying to do the right thing. And you're also not prepared.

[01:08:06] Logan Hufford: More importantly than that, she is not prepared to be thrown up on. There, there absolutely is a time and place for what we call formal disclosure, where a guy in recovery, not just a random dude, but a guy who is. actively working on himself and has been working on himself for that guy to share what he has done if his wife wants to hear it.

[01:08:33] Logan Hufford: And he does it over. He literally takes weeks preparing a document and getting feedback from other recovery brothers, getting a lot of heavy feedback. And then there's a meeting where it's the guy, it's his wife. She has any support that she wants to be there. And then he usually has like his mentor there and there's a formal meeting and he shares it.

[01:08:55] Logan Hufford: And then he and his mentor, they get out of the room and the wife can, you know, she can process however she wants to. I mean, she also can share anything with him, but like we go through a very formal process because if the wife wants to know exactly how he was unfaithful, she has a right to that, but it shouldn't be done on a whim emotionally.

[01:09:16] Logan Hufford: And of course, for me, you know, I'm like, I don't even know in December of 2011. I don't even know if I was a day removed or a week removed or a month. I don't remember from my last affair, but I was not healthy. I was not in a place to be, you know, confessing this stuff and then making healthy changes. So I came home, I gave her that letter and I told some version of the truth.

[01:09:40] Logan Hufford: And nothing changed in my routines. Nothing changed in my behavior. Nothing changed in, you know, did I have accountability around my interactions with female customers? Nope. Did I have accountability on my phone? Nope. Did I have accountability around the types of movies that I watched? About whether or not I would go out for drinks after work with my [01:10:00] buddies?

[01:10:00] Logan Hufford: None, none, none of that stuff changed. I just kept doing me, kept doing the Logan program. So I kept on abusing my wife in this way. I kept on lying. I kept on keeping a double life and it got to the point where basically about once a year for the next several years. I would give another vomit session.

[01:10:21] Logan Hufford: And when I say vomit session, because literally from an emotional, from a psychological, from a trauma perspective, that's what it is. I'm throwing up on her. When you're feeling nauseous, it feels good to throw up, right? You're getting the crap out of your system. Guess who doesn't feel good? The person that's getting thrown up on, right?

[01:10:39] Logan Hufford: And that's what I did. I would vomit to my wife. Oh, I did all these things over the last six months or a year. I'm so sorry. I'll never do it again. I'm so sorry. And just boom, another punch to the gut, another punch to the gut. And nothing healthy. 

[01:10:53] David Pasqualone: Yeah. And you, and you could have been sincere at that moment, but your head, like you said, you still weren't healed yourself and saying, just manipulating you and laughing, and now he's using you to hurt her.

[01:11:05] David Pasqualone: And you're repeating this cycle. And again, there is a difference. I do want to clarify to the audience and you can agree or disagree. You know, there's alcoholism, there's drug addiction, there's food addiction, there's abusive words, there's pornography, there's physical affairs. All of them have pain.

[01:11:25] David Pasqualone: All of them are, you know, they need to be dealt with appropriately, but there is a massive difference between every sin it says is without the body and then you have the sins with the body, the physical adultery. So the pornography is hurtful and the betrayal in it, it's devastating, but it's still not physical adultery.

[01:11:51] David Pasqualone: But you are in the realm of actual physical adultery as well As the pornography and Carrie's staying with you. To me, that's like what a gift from God and how mind blowing that is. But like, so now you're coming back to her every six months and you're repeating, yeah, I've been having affairs on you. So how does she even process this?

[01:12:11] David Pasqualone: Is she just numbing herself or where is she going? Right. Yeah. And, 

[01:12:15] Logan Hufford: okay, one more quick disclaimer and I will be quick about it. You know, my story to this point at least is like 99. 9 percent descriptive only. There's like almost nothing in my story that's prescriptive. Right. And that includes to this point that includes Carrie's side.

[01:12:33] Logan Hufford: Like I am not, I hate divorce. I don't want to see people get divorced if possible. I am not telling, you know, if you're a woman, let's, or if you're a man, if you're A married person listening and you have been getting hit time and time again with confessions of infidelity and there's no repentance.

[01:12:52] Logan Hufford: There's no healthy change. I'm not telling you, you should get divorced, but I'm not telling you that you are wrong to say, Hey, I, you absolutely, I mean, the Bible is clear on that. That, that is absolutely biblical grounds for, for yourself. If you want to leave that marriage. So I'm not saying that Carrie, You know, that it was good, that it was the right thing for her to say.

[01:13:16] Logan Hufford: Here's why she said, and, and anything I share from her perspective is not speculation. This is stuff that she would openly share that she does share in her testimony. So she stayed with me for a few reasons. One of the big ones was she was in survival mode. So, you know, I just said this very quickly at the top, but, you know, we've got four boys.

[01:13:36] Logan Hufford: Those four boys were born inside of five years in the, in the first six years of our marriage. So, So during the whole time I'm cheating on her, once from the time that we were married, the next several years, we had four boys. So she's pregnant. She's got a baby. She's got multiple babies that she's trying to take care of.

[01:13:55] Logan Hufford: She's a stay at home mom. I was working outside the home. So I come home from work and she's, Trying to change diapers. She's trying to keep, you know, babies from playing with electrical sockets, right. And prep for dinner and whatever. And she's got a husband confessing another affair, or she's got a husband, you know, and she, that she's like, Hey, who's this person texting you?

[01:14:16] Logan Hufford: Or, Hey, why were you in the bathroom for an hour? Like, what's she's in survival mode. She's, she's trying to figure out how to be the best mom she can be, let alone how to respond to her husband. And, you know, my abusive tendencies. So she didn't know what the heck to do. The other thing was she absolutely, she felt her own shame, right?

[01:14:39] Logan Hufford: Because what does it say about me as a wife? If my husband's doing this, what does that say about me as a woman? I must not be enough. I must try to be a better wife, I guess, then I, I need to try to be more or be better or whatever. And so she. Responded by trying to love me more, by trying to be a better [01:15:00] wife, by trying to be more available to me.

[01:15:02] Logan Hufford: All that's how she responded. I mean, turn after turn, she just tried to pour out more love and more grace. And I just consumed, you know, that's what I did. I just, I just ate. Right. Finally, In 2015, I had another affair and I, as I had been doing, you know, that pattern continued and I confessed and of course, yeah, there were real emotions and there was a real feeling of this is so terrible and I'm so sorry, but she did something very different and she gave me that ultimatum and she had no training on how to respond.

[01:15:43] Logan Hufford: She had not attended a recovery group. She had not, you know, been meeting with a counselor. There was no tangible reason why she should respond differently except I firmly believe it was the Holy Spirit working in her to give her the courage and the strength and the discernment to face her abusive husband and say, If you don't change, then I am gone because I needed that.

[01:16:11] Logan Hufford: I needed to feel some pain. I, to this point, I hadn't felt, I'd felt all sorts of self inflicted pain, right? Internal pain. I had seemingly just been, been allowed to do whatever I wanted. And then I got hit with the slap upside the head. And that was the first landmark. In a series of landmarks that God would put in our life where I would be continually reminded, Hey, the way that you've been doing things, Logan, the way that you've been just trying to run things has not worked.

[01:16:43] Logan Hufford: And that's not going to be, that's not gonna be allowed anymore. God started to put other people in our lives, starting with a mentor, Rick. This man talked to me in a way that no man had ever talked to me. He would go on to become my mentor. He'd go on to become like a father to me, like a grandpa to our kids.

[01:17:00] Logan Hufford: His wife, Patty, began to walk Carrie through recovery from the sexual betrayal trauma healing. And I can unpack the recovery process, but I mean that, but it started with the ultimatum. It started with Carrie taking that stand and, and, and meaning it. You know, and I believed her, even though I didn't know what the future would hold, but I did believe that she was going to stick to that.

[01:17:27] Logan Hufford: If, if I wouldn't seek out recovery that she would leave. And like I said before, I didn't think I could be a good dad or a good husband. I didn't think I could stop, but if it meant not losing my wife and kids, I was willing to try to see what was out there. 

[01:17:44] David Pasqualone: Yeah. And I'm glad you did. And just to clarify, you know, your wife put up with a lot and I'm not being, I'm being harsh on myself, you, everybody in this situation, but obviously you made it through and you're here to help people.

[01:17:58] David Pasqualone: So I don't want people to misinterpret, like I'm just beating up on Logan. No, I beat 

[01:18:02] Logan Hufford: up on 

[01:18:03] David Pasqualone: Logan. It's all good. No, no, no. But what I'm saying is I want you to, most of the people who are in this sin, A freaking oblivious to it and they're narcissists. They're like, poor me, poor me. And it's like, what the hell is wrong with you?

[01:18:16] David Pasqualone: 1 percent of the pain you're feeling, you're giving like 99 times that to everybody you love and they did nothing wrong. You're choosing this pain. You're the one that's self inflicting pain because you're stupid and listening to Satan and your spouse and your children, everybody around you is in pain because of your sinful choices.

[01:18:38] David Pasqualone: And within the church today, we have such a filthy system. God's perfect. The Bible's perfect. The real church, when we get to eternity, is perfect. But on earth, We have some filthy houses, and that's why in Revelation, God talks about being, these are bad, a couple good, this one I want to puke out of my mouth because they're hypocrites and lukewarm, right?

[01:19:00] David Pasqualone: But when you're in churches, you said it. Biblically, God hates divorce. God doesn't want divorce. God wants restored marriages. But we live in a society where it's like, oh, do everything you possibly can, no matter what your spouse does, to save the marriage. That's not biblical. If someone commits adultery, you do want to do your best to save the marriage.

[01:19:26] David Pasqualone: You do want to You know, try to keep your vow to God, vow to your spouse, vow to your kids. That's all 100 percent true. But if they're actively in this, having physical relations with other people, adultery, that is not healthy for you. That is not healthy for your kids. And until they turn around, It's not even healthy for them.

[01:19:49] David Pasqualone: They're just too messed up to know it. And that's why it's fantastic that your wife, Carrie, finally said enough. She gave the ultimatum and that was the catalyst to wake [01:20:00] your butt up. Right? I mean, you did it. That's it. She finally put her foot down. So if you're out there and you're believing the Kool Aid lie from saying within the church, that no matter what happens, accept it.

[01:20:10] David Pasqualone: No matter what happens, forgive them and pray. That's, that's not Bible. That's not even common sense. So I get so upset about when people give advice that no matter what happens, your wife gave you a good alternative. Stop putting your dick in other women or get out. That's fantastic. Now your road to healing, her road to healing.

[01:20:33] David Pasqualone: Let's get some practical steps. Logan, the men. They're struggling with adultery. They're struggling with pornography. The women, they're struggling with adultery. They're struggling with pornography. What's even worse is a huge percentage of people. Are doing swinging. They're having sex with each other, and they're all on these damn apps and they're all like hanging out with each other in church.

[01:20:54] David Pasqualone: And then they go home and they have sex with each other at night. It's filthy. That's not godly. So for the people who are involved in this stuff, how did you get out? What are the steps that you took to get Logan healthy? So hopefully our listeners can too. 

[01:21:13] Logan Hufford: I'll, I'll try to sum up like the essence of recovery and then we can unpack it.

[01:21:20] Logan Hufford: And I know I'm getting a lot, a lot of disclaimers, but I, I do part of like extreme ownership for me is recognizing, Hey man, not only was I actively terrible for years, at no point am I perfect, right? I, the difference is I'm still not perfect, but I'm authentic. You know, I I'm genuine, right? And how I approached recovery was wildly imperfect.

[01:21:48] Logan Hufford: How I gone, went through recovery was wildly imperfect, but I did submit myself to godly people, to God himself, and to a godly infrastructure. I, I submitted myself and I was willing to give away a lot of my personal autonomy. And, you know, swallow my pride. And even though, yeah, did I feel a lot of hope that I would, or I felt hope, but I would say, did I feel a ton of optimism that I would break free from this?

[01:22:24] Logan Hufford: No, not for, not for a while. I mean, I was, I was six months sober and still didn't know if I would actually stay sober. I remember being a few months sober talking with a mentor or sorry, another guy that was in the mentorship program. We were, he's older guy, but we were both like a few months sober.

[01:22:42] Logan Hufford: And he was like, man, it's so great that you're doing this as a young man. And I remember just thinking, as he said that I didn't say it to him, but I'm thinking, Man, I don't know if it's going to last though. Like that's a nice thought, but I don't know if it's going to last, but here's the thing. Even though I, I didn't necessarily have a ton of optimism.

[01:23:01] Logan Hufford: I didn't know if it would work. I didn't know if I would stay sober, let alone. I didn't ever think that I would have a mission on this earth. I didn't, I didn't think I could thrive as a dad, as a husband. Right. But I still, for the most part, I kept doing the next right thing. And, and that is something that I, I am proud of because.

[01:23:25] Logan Hufford: While I was not perfect and I, I didn't necessarily know what the future would look like, you know, I, I did what my mentor asked me to do, right. I fulfilled the requirements, you know, and does that mean that there were some days that I was checking the box? Does that mean that there were some days that I was literally just doing the things that the program told me to do, even though I was, I kind of had a grumpy heart about it or grumpy spirit?

[01:23:48] Logan Hufford: 100%. There were days that I, yeah, I didn't want to do the stuff. I didn't want to do the homework. I didn't want to go to another meeting. You know, I kind of didn't want to listen to another old dude talk to me about what to do. And, you know, I didn't want to listen to a group of eight dudes around the table, grill me right.

[01:24:05] Logan Hufford: And put me on the hot seat. Cause that sucks. I'm a grown man and I'm listening to a bunch of other grown men tell me why my homework assignment was garbage. And making assumptions about where my heart's at and making assumptions about where my mind's at, which by the way, they were probably correct.

[01:24:22] Logan Hufford: That freaking sucks. That's 

[01:24:23] David Pasqualone: what I was going to say. I don't like listening to you. That's what I'm saying. This is not busting your ass because you've turned the corner. But most people like, I'm going through this and I'm doing this and I'm trying that. It's like, yeah, But you screwed over your family for months or years, and you don't expect it to be hard.

[01:24:41] David Pasqualone: You deserve every minute. You should be walking across boiling hot coals with glass shards and people beating you with bats, with freaking spikes of metal in the tips, and you should not complain. So if your wife or husband has given you a second chance, Listen to the [01:25:00] damn men in the group, right? Yeah. So that's why I'm so thankful for you sharing this and I hope it wakes somebody up.

[01:25:05] David Pasqualone: You know, it says confusion. Satan is the author of confusion. Darkness hath blinded their eyes. So many people are wrapped up in these sins and they don't see anything. And even after they're caught, they don't feel bad for what they did. They feel bad for themselves getting caught. That's ultimately the bottom line.

[01:25:22] David Pasqualone: And they're sitting in these classes or they're sitting in counseling, just wasting time. So how did you get your heart into it finally? Was it just repetition? Was it going through a process? Was it a come to Jesus? Keep going with your story, Logan. Yeah, there, there was a lot 

[01:25:37] Logan Hufford: of, a lot of it does go back to repetition because I don't like the phrase fake it till you make it.

[01:25:44] David Pasqualone: No, I think that's ungodly. That's totally 

[01:25:46] Logan Hufford: wrong. Right. I, I think I understand If people say that, I think I get where they're coming from and I think there's probably a better way to phrase it. 

[01:25:56] David Pasqualone: Wait, well the Bible commit your works unto God. You know, commit that works unto the Lord and they thought shall be established.

[01:26:02] David Pasqualone: That's the Bible, right? But it's not fake it till you make it. Correct. And that's 

[01:26:06] Logan Hufford: saying it's not faking it, it's do the next, right? I mean to, to put it into just very practical thing. Do the next right thing, even if you don't want to. Yeah. Cause I think that's a much healthier way of phrasing it instead of fake to make it, but do the next right thing, even if you don't feel like it.

[01:26:23] Logan Hufford: And I, there was a lot of that for me, I was doing the next right thing, not always, and definitely not perfectly, but largely I was, even though a lot of times I didn't feel like it, even though I felt exhausted, even though I felt frustrated, I got my feelings hurt. You know, I, I remember a phone call with a mentor who He's somebody that I've known as long as I've been in recovery.

[01:26:46] Logan Hufford: And he's still, he still attends the group that I now lead in. Like he's really been a really influential guy in my life. And I had been in the program for probably about two years at this point. I, I was just about to graduate or maybe I'd even just, I'd already graduated, but I'd been sober for a couple of years.

[01:27:01] Logan Hufford: I'd had some progressive victory for sure. Like I was definitely a healthier person than I once was, but I still had a lot of room to go. Right. And I was at work and I, Had a really frustrating experience with my boss where I felt like I was very unfairly treated. And to this day, I would say, I think I probably was unfairly treated in some ways.

[01:27:23] Logan Hufford: I think my boss did not have a very healthy way of dealing with me. I think that's a fair statement, but here's the thing. So I, cause part of the program rules was I had to make a phone call every single day without fail. And that muscle memory has stayed with me. I don't make a phone call every day, but I still make a phone call multiple times a month, you know?

[01:27:41] Logan Hufford: And so I made a phone call, even though I, again, I think I might've already graduated by this point and I'm calling this guy, Joe, and I'm like, Hey, you know, this thing happened and it was really frustrating. And here's, here's why it happened. Here's what I did. And here's the situation. And he listened. And then here's the program rules.

[01:27:59] Logan Hufford: After I make a phone call, I get my stuff out there. Then I have to shut up and listen. And I don't get to talk. Unless he asks me a question. So he can share whatever feedback he wants to share. He can tell me whatever advice he wants to tell me. And he might be wrong. He might be off base. That's okay.

[01:28:18] Logan Hufford: Doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt to listen, right? It doesn't hurt. In fact, it's actually a really good thing. And so he's kind of going off on me a little bit. And he's like, Logan, you, you did this. You said this to your boss. You did this. Had you ever considered like where he's coming from with over here? And I was.

[01:28:36] Logan Hufford: Upset at this guy, Joe. I was mad. I was like, you don't get it. And I didn't say this, but I'm thinking this, like, you don't get it. You're, were you even listening to what I just said? Like I I'm the victim here. Are you kidding me? But I, I wasn't allowed to give a rebuttal. I had to just stay listening. And by the end of the phone call, two things had happened.

[01:28:57] Logan Hufford: Number one, it did me a lot of good to keep my mouth shut and swallow my pride. And I, sometimes I kind of had to tell myself internally, like, okay, Joe's wrong, but I'm going to do the right thing. I'm going to listen. But here's the other thing that happened. Joe wasn't wrong. I actually did play a big part in this scenario.

[01:29:21] Logan Hufford: And even though, yeah, maybe my boss was unfair to me, I still had so much selfishness. And a lot of that selfishness had come out in this experience. Right. And it took a different human than myself to draw that out of me. One of the things I learned from a coach, you know, years ago is the reason why a good coach helps you isn't because they're so much smarter than you.

[01:29:45] Logan Hufford: It's because they're not you. It's because they're a different human being, right? Joe might be smarter than me, might not be. He probably is. He has a lot more life experience than me, but here's the most important asset that Joe had. [01:30:00] He wasn't Logan. So he could see things from an outside perspective. He could see things that were going on with me.

[01:30:06] Logan Hufford: And God has given me, does it literally dozens of men over the last almost nine years. that have been able to fulfill that role in my life. You know, speak into my life, point out red flags, point out patterns, ask me about patterns. Like, Hey, I noticed this stuff is going on. What's going on with that? Can you, can you expand on that?

[01:30:25] Logan Hufford: Hey, you told me this one week and then you told me this next week, but you told me this last week. And then this like, what's going on? And sometimes that stuff hurts my feelings. Sometimes it gets annoying. Sometimes it's frustrating. If the price I pay for sobriety and healthy living and being able to go home to my kids and my wife every day is sometimes I get annoyed by accountability, I'll pay that price.

[01:30:50] Logan Hufford: That's okay. And to your point and you know, you talked about like, man, I should, if, if I've done these things, like I should be willing to walk across hot coals, right? And be like, you didn't say abused, but like be like abused, you know, as like punishment. Right. And, and not complain. And sometimes some of the, the stuff that would go on in the program, some of the feedback that I would get, it felt so harsh.

[01:31:15] Logan Hufford: It felt like, man, this is almost too much. It wasn't ever just to teach me a lesson. These weren't like spankings or flicks or, or a punishment from a parent to a toddler. This was. No, these guys are grilling me. By the way, they're grilling me at eight o'clock at night on their personal time and they're not getting a paycheck.

[01:31:39] Logan Hufford: Why? Because they love me. Because they're wanting to give back because they've experienced God's healing power and they want to be God's hands and feet in my life. So how dare I be like, Oh, you guys are wrong. Or you guys are being mean or like, no, these people are here voluntarily on their time. Because they're trying to help reach down into the pit and pick me up.

[01:32:03] Logan Hufford: And yet I'm going to focus on how they offended me or they frustrated me. And so it's like the motivation that that has given me over the last several years to, to not be perfect, but to generally, you know, do the right thing more often than not, right. To keep doing the next right thing, because I know what I deserve, because I absolutely know what I deserve.

[01:32:26] Logan Hufford: Eternally, spiritually, I deserve hell. Physically on this earth. I deserve to go home to an empty apartment or possibly be in prison, right? I deserve to have all kinds of diseases. I deserve to, I mean, shoot the, I mean, I've, I've focused on the sexual side of things. I mean, my life was so unhealthy. The amount of times I was driving home drunk an hour from Anchorage to the Valley where I lived in the Valley, worked Anchorage, chasing after girls at the bar, driving home drunk, barely getting home.

[01:32:58] Logan Hufford: I deserve to be in I deserve to have killed somebody in a, you know, in an accident to be dead myself. I am keenly aware of these things and I don't, I don't beat myself up and like live in a woe is me. I'm such a terrible person. I don't live in that. But I do keep an eye on if I ever am feeling like life's not fair, I'm going to quickly remind myself of how freaking untrue that is.

[01:33:30] Logan Hufford: Because fairness would be all those things I just described, right? And, and absolutely my life's not fair. Because God has withheld so much physical judgment and ultimately, obviously he's fulfilled. He's, he's withheld, you know, eternal judgment on me. So yeah, thank God my life is not fair, right? 

[01:33:51] David Pasqualone: Yeah. Yeah, no.

[01:33:53] David Pasqualone: And then, so moving forward in this process through today, what are other daily things that our listeners, you're like, you know, this is what helped me. This is a practical steps or here's a daily habit I have to overcome the bad. And, and start rewiring my brain appropriately because we can go off into, I'd love to have you and your wife on the show sometime and go through her side and you go through how you recovered together.

[01:34:22] David Pasqualone: As a couple, because you just stopping doesn't fix the pain, correct? Yeah. Yeah. Dry drunk. She has to face things and I'm sure she had a deal with things. And, you know, like you said, nobody's without sin. No matter what she did or what you do, doesn't give the other person no excuse for an affair. But what I'm saying is she's been a very kind and loving and forgiving human.

[01:34:44] David Pasqualone: So it'd be interesting, you know, how did she deal with it for the, for the person who's been sending inside, but for you today, speaking to the people, not just men, the people who are involved in pornography, who are involved in adultery, what [01:35:00] recommendations, like one, two, three, this is what worked for me.

[01:35:04] David Pasqualone: What would you recommend? I mentioned 

[01:35:06] Logan Hufford: phone calls and I absolutely believe. From a practical level, the best tool that I learned in recovery was the power of making a phone call. Now I realize, you know, if you're listening and maybe you don't have an addiction, maybe you, you don't have something that's so tangible that you're like, okay, I need to go find a recovery group for this thing.

[01:35:30] Logan Hufford: Well, if that is true, then, I mean, Thank God that you've been spared some of that trauma. Right. But maybe we all need to be healthier. Right. But you can still implement the practice of finding somebody who is on a healthy track, not perfect, right. But on a healthy track, they're seeking healthiness and whatever things you struggle with, find somebody who has been down that path.

[01:35:59] Logan Hufford: But here's the key. And a lot of people miss this. This person or these people, while not perfect, they are a little bit further down the path than you. I think that's really important. You know, if I struggle with unhealthy finances, if I struggle with my diet, if I struggle, I want to get better in the gym.

[01:36:19] Logan Hufford: I've got an addiction. I want to have a better marriage. I want to be a better employee. I need to, I don't need to find perfect people, but I need to find people that have, they've had some, some growth in those areas. And they can tell me about some of the pitfalls to it that I might experience, right?

[01:36:36] Logan Hufford: They can tell me about some of the pitfalls they've experienced. Some of the things coming down the pike that, Hey, watch out when, when you, you know, come to this, you know, this stuff might happen. And then I can, whether it's a literal phone call or it's sitting down for coffee or whatever that looks like.

[01:36:53] Logan Hufford: But this is where it was a blessing that I was in recovery because I had to do things. If I didn't do the things that were, you know prescribed to me, that I would have gotten kicked out of the program. If you are not in a program, then the stakes are different. So you're going to have to hold yourself accountable and get other people to hold you accountable.

[01:37:15] Logan Hufford: But Try as best you can, try to practice what I talked about earlier, where let the, let that other person speak, let them grill you, let them ask you hard questions and shut up. Learn to not talk for a period of time. Let the other person talk, let them share their wisdom, even if they might be wrong, even if they might be a little bit off base.

[01:37:39] Logan Hufford: There's so much power in that. It's such a good muscle to exercise. So whether it's literal, regular phone calls or some variation of that, but just seek counsel, right? And another thing is, you know, you, you might, anyone who's ever heard of anything about the 12 steps or recovery, you've probably heard the word inventory.

[01:37:58] Logan Hufford: You know, people talk about taking an inventory, a moral inventory, and literally what that looked like in recovery was writing down. And again, this was a long process. This took weeks to accomplish, but writing down the harms that I'd done to other people, the fears and resentments that I held. And then specifically within the sexual addiction, the ways that I had harmed people in my sexual addiction.

[01:38:19] Logan Hufford: And I wrote down names. I wrote down what I did. I wrote down motivations. Why did I do this? What were the consequences that came from this? And then I process those things. Now, most people listening, again, if you're not in a recovery program, you probably won't take the time to do that. And if you do want to do it, you shouldn't just do it on a whim.

[01:38:38] Logan Hufford: Just like we talked about with disclosure, do it with people who know how to help you, who know how to process. So find a really good therapist or, you know, Or join a recovery program. You don't have to be an addict to join recovery. You can probably find a Celebrate Recovery or, you know, an Al Anon or codependency group.

[01:38:56] Logan Hufford: There's different groups out there. If you truly want to work on deficiencies, you can find a group. But taking inventory is also something that, again, I can apply that principle in my life because, and this is one of the steps, is as I go through life, I continue to take inventory. My oldest son is 12 years old.

[01:39:16] Logan Hufford: And I'll tell you right now one of the biggest struggles I have in life right now is knowing what the next right thing looks like as his dad, because there are some things where I, I see a lot of the stuff in him that, that I used to be. Some of the sneakiness, you know, some of that, that main character syndrome that deception and that work in the room and all that stuff.

[01:39:34] Logan Hufford: And I don't know the perfect way to parent him, but I'm doing what I can. Right. And one of the things that we talk about is I talk to him about inventory. Like, I'm not going to ask you. When I pick him up from school, I don't ask him, how did your day go? That's a lazy question, in my opinion. Instead, what I ask him is, what are some areas today where you didn't do the right thing?

[01:39:58] Logan Hufford: And then what are some areas today where you did [01:40:00] do the right thing? What were some areas where you had the opportunity to practice integrity? And then on the flip side, where, where did you have an opportunity, but maybe you dropped the ball. And these are not shame questions. These are, Hey, let's look at how the day went.

[01:40:16] Logan Hufford: But instead of just saying, how was your day? Oh, he's good. He's bad. It's like, let's talk about the meat and potatoes of what it actually looks like to live a day on this earth, broken people and myself broken and all this stuff. So taking inventory is like, okay, where am I healthy? Where am I unhealthy?

[01:40:35] Logan Hufford: Where, what are my negative tendencies? All this, all this kind of stuff. You know, accountability, having people in my life that know my story, that know my struggles, that have permission to speak into my life. Everyone, I think, well, maybe not everyone, most people, I think they, they, they like the idea of accountability.

[01:40:55] Logan Hufford: It sounds good. Sounds like it probably would be a good thing to have. It's not fun to build it because it gives a lot of permission to other people to tell me things that I probably don't want to hear. Especially if they're telling me things. that are most impactful, they're telling me things at a point in time where I am starting to backslide a little bit.

[01:41:20] Logan Hufford: Well, if I'm starting to backslide, or if I'm allowing something unhealthy in my life, that is when I am going to probably feel most defensive. So if I have true accountability in my life, it is going to be painful. It is going to be annoying. It's not going to be fun sometimes, but I can tell you right now, man, I, I don't ever want to, and I don't ever plan to have a period of, My life where I don't have at least a couple other guys who can speak into my life.

[01:41:52] Logan Hufford: You know what, I could move to a different city and maybe I don't have the same recovery infrastructure. Maybe I don't lead a recovery group, you know, the practical elements of how recovery manifests in my life will change. And I get that. But the principles of being accountable to other people, that will always be a part of my life because I can't afford to not have that.

[01:42:14] Logan Hufford: So phone calls, taking inventory of what is, what's going on in my life on a, on an intricate level, and then inviting accountability and being willing to face the music on the fact that it's not going to be fun. 

[01:42:30] David Pasqualone: Yeah. And then again, the key distinction is not just being accountable to someone, Being accountable to godly counsel.

[01:42:38] David Pasqualone: Correct. And not people who positionally, they have a title, but in life, they're humbly living righteousness. That's the key. So there's all different organizations and there's every area of the country and the world is different. So you can reach out if you need some help to Logan or myself. But, but Logan, let's finish up and, you know, there's so much, so many directions we can go with your story, but where's Logan and Kerry today and between your birth and today, is there anything we missed before we transition to where Logan and Kerry are and where they're heading next?

[01:43:22] Logan Hufford: No, I mean, I don't, there's nothing that stands out to me. It's like, Oh my gosh, I, I really needed to touch on this one thing and we never got a chance to touch on it. Obviously, you know, this has been a fairly long inventory. It's been a fairly long interview, sorry, but we're talking a couple hours and 34 years of living.

[01:43:40] Logan Hufford: So there's tons and tons of things that, of course, I didn't talk about, but no, I mean, I think we, we, we covered the 30, 000 foot view of it. But I mean, where, where Carrie and I are at today is really, it's, it's what I said earlier about just myself and my relationship with Christ, which is man, we're not perfect, but we're authentic.

[01:44:00] Logan Hufford: You know, we're not perfect, but we're genuine. We're not perfect, but we don't keep secrets. And that is such a blessing to just to go through life. And there are times where I get frustrated, right? There's times where I'm short with Carrie. There's times where we have an argument. There's You know, there, there are times where that selfish part of me comes out, but instead of, Oh crap, I made a bad choice.

[01:44:25] Logan Hufford: Now I'm spiraling. Now I'm looking at porn. Now I'm flirting with this person. Now I'm in bed. No, no, no, no. It's like, okay, I made a bad choice. I yelled at my kids or I was short with Carrie or whatever, but I can stop. I can put on the brakes and then I can look around and go, okay. That wasn't good, but where do I go from here?

[01:44:47] Logan Hufford: What's the next right thing to look like and just keep doing the next right thing. And so I know that was kind of vague, you know, but I mean, really that's, that's the best way I can put it, which is just our relationship is it's beautiful because [01:45:00] yeah, we have an incredible friendship. We have. an incredible level of intimacy, but there isn't a double life.

[01:45:09] Logan Hufford: You know, there's, there's a complete, just raw openness to our relationship that for those first several years of marriage, you know, we could not have because of all the crap I was carrying around. 

[01:45:25] David Pasqualone: Yeah. Well, if someone wants to reach out to you and continue the conversation, what's the best way to get ahold of you, Logan?

[01:45:33] Logan Hufford: The absolute best way is if you have an Instagram, then reach out to me there, give me a follow, shoot me a message. I put out content every day around sexual addiction, betrayal, trauma, and sometimes you know, working on unhealthy coping mechanisms and stuff that I have in life in general, but usually it's pretty specific on sexual addiction and, and betrayal trauma, but no longer in bondage is my handle.

[01:45:58] Logan Hufford: To be able to say that I'm no longer in bondage to sexual addiction is, is a huge thing, you know, that I, I didn't think I could say for many, many years. So find me on Instagram at no longer in bondage. And if you've got a question. Absolutely. Shoot me a message or, or, you know, leave a comment on a video.

[01:46:15] Logan Hufford: If you want to, you know, jump on a quick zoom call or something like that, I absolutely am willing to do that. I don't do this for money. I don't have a course that I'm selling, you know, I, this is a ministry for me and for Carrie. So I don't have all the time and resources in the world, but I, I, you know, I also have boundaries and I know when that I can say no.

[01:46:36] Logan Hufford: So if you have a question, if you want help, reach out. And if I'm able to provide help, I will. And sometimes the way, the best way for me to help is to refer you to maybe somebody else that I know or a different resource that I have. And so yeah, I'm, I'm more than happy to, to just be one of the hands, you know, that can reach into the pit to try to help somebody else.

[01:46:57] David Pasqualone: Man, well, I appreciate you so much, Logan. I appreciate you being here today and I'm glad that you're on the right trajectory of following God and, you know, in love with him and love with your wife and taking care of your family. It's beautiful to hear. And sadly, again, it's the exception, not the rule. But ladies and gentlemen, if you're listening to Logan's story and it hurts because you've experienced the bad side of it.

[01:47:22] David Pasqualone: Every side of it's bad. But yeah, there's hope. There's hope. But what I'm saying is if you're the adulterer, that's bad. If you've been cheated on, that's bad. If you're addicted to pornography and you're feeling the guilt and shame, that's bad. It's, it's, everything Sane does is bad. It's all to hurt you. It starts off feeling good and it ends in destruction and death.

[01:47:46] David Pasqualone: But God always has hope and love and joy and peace. And it's real. So reach out to God first. But if Logan can help you, if I can help you reach out to us, there's links in the show notes. And if you know somebody going through a divorce and they're selfish, have them listen to this episode. Cause Logan, your children now, did they, were they too young when all this was going on?

[01:48:09] David Pasqualone: Did they have any idea? Of the stress and pain it was bringing to your wife and your marriage, or were they oblivious at that age?

[01:48:19] Logan Hufford: This is a, this is a hard one because While I, I truly have worked through and processed the crap that I've done in, in most degrees, like I truly, I mean this, I don't walk around with shame, not because I am not guilty of the things that I had done. You're forgiving. But to your point, I, yeah, I, I, well, and, and I also know even on a practical level, I know the things that I have done to make sure that I will not continue doing those things.

[01:48:46] Logan Hufford: However, I, I do recognize, so our kids were. To answer your question, our kids were largely too young to, they were definitely too young to understand what was going on. They, they were all alive, you know, they were all raised by an addict and for the first several years of their life, at least. Eli was what, five when I got into recovery.

[01:49:11] Logan Hufford: So when, when we got into recovery cause Carrie got in just a few months after me Eli was five, Darius was four, Steven was three and Isaiah was, was a baby. So there, and then, like I said earlier, getting into recovery, getting sober, that doesn't just make me a perfect dad, right? That didn't make me a healthy person.

[01:49:28] Logan Hufford: It took time for healthy habits to start. So, I go into depth like that because absolutely there's a lot of pain, you know, that was caused to them because they were raised by somebody who was very unhealthy. Obviously with my addiction, my lifestyle, okay, most of my most obvious sins didn't technically immediately directly affect them.

[01:49:59] Logan Hufford: [01:50:00] But of course it completely affected them because I was coming home with a spiritual darkness, right? I'm coming home. I'm, I'm inviting things into my home spiritually. And so, yeah, me living in sin for years and raising kids. That is something that I don't, I don't carry shame from it, but I do, I recognize like, yeah, I can be sober eight and a half years sober.

[01:50:29] Logan Hufford: I can have a great marriage and a great relationship with my wife, but there will be physical consequences of, you know, I struggle with anger, you know, deeply for years. I reacted badly in my anger and raged on my kids at points and stuff like that. And so like, there's going to be real life consequences that I'm cognizant of.

[01:50:49] Logan Hufford: That I have to be really careful how I parent because of my sins in the past, you know, and, and how they affected my boys. 

[01:50:58] David Pasqualone: Yeah, and again, none of us have not, none of us have lived a holy life without messing up or making bad decisions or falling into our own weaknesses. This topic was just super sensitive.

[01:51:10] David Pasqualone: It's something that families across the world are dealing with you know, adultery, pornography, divorce. It's just a very sensitive topic. So thank you again for being here today, Logan, and thank your wife, Carrie, from all of us at the podcast for just being such a godly woman and holding in there and doing, you know.

[01:51:28] David Pasqualone: What she thought was right and then putting that ultimatum out there and now you guys work through it. So that's amazing Before we end this episode ladies and gentlemen again reach out to Logan or myself Share this episode with your friends and family you think it can help and Logan Do you have any last words of wisdom or a thought you want to impart to our community before we wrap this up today?

[01:51:54] Logan Hufford: Not much other than honestly, one of the very first things I said, you know, a couple hours ago, which is my, my part of my purpose here is to, is to give glory to God specifically along those lines of, I thought that I had done too much. I thought that I was not able to experience transformation and redemption.

[01:52:19] Logan Hufford: And I promise you, you know, I, I, when, when Paul said I was the chief among sinners. And of course, you know, we know his story and, and, you know, murdering Christians and why he said that. Right. Well, I, I have my own version of, of saying those words. So if, if, if anything has come out of these last couple hours, listening to, you know, God's story in my life, please take that, which is there is no point I can get to in life that is too dark for God's power to come in and do miracles.

[01:52:54] Logan Hufford: If I'm willing to humble myself. And submit myself to God. There is no point that I can get to that's too great for Him. Because for many years, I mean, I put it like this. I didn't doubt God's power, but I doubted His power in my life. Because somehow I, you know, I was too much of a sinner for God to bring healing.

[01:53:17] Logan Hufford: And as you pointed out, that's, that's a lot, that is a bold lie from hell. So do please do not believe that, but you, but, but don't just, don't just wait for God to touch you and do a miracle. Can God do that? Yes. And I've, I've met people where I actually would say, yeah, I believe that that did happen. Not because they told me.

[01:53:39] Logan Hufford: Because if you, if you tell me right now, Hey man, I've been a raging drug addict for 20 years, but yesterday I almost OD'ed and God healed me and I'll never touch drugs again. I don't believe you one bit because you have no evidence. Right. But I've talked to people that have been like, Hey man, I struggle with drugs, alcohol, sex, whatever.

[01:53:57] Logan Hufford: And it's been nine years Since I lived that life, God healed me. And maybe they don't have like a recovery story. I believe those things do exist. Those are miracles. Those are exceptions to the rule. If you struggle with addiction, if you struggle in these ways, you probably need a practical as well as spiritual transformation, right?

[01:54:22] Logan Hufford: So it's going to take time. It's going to take work. 

[01:54:26] David Pasqualone: Amen. 100%. You talked about the verse in James, Submit yourself unto God, resist the devil, and he, meaning Satan, will flee from you. That's where it all starts, just that humbling ourselves. And a couple times you talked about knowing about God. But not trusting him.

[01:54:43] David Pasqualone: You even said, even the demons know. And that's a great story in the Bible, how when Jesus comes across, was it legion, and they're like, hey, why does thou torm us? Why are you here to torment us before the time? The only difference between an [01:55:00] angel and a demon is a choice. One chose God and one chose Satan.

[01:55:04] David Pasqualone: And when those one third of the angels fell, There are some, a lot of them are on this earth and when they're here, they're just seeking to devour, you know, misery loves company. And when they ran into Jesus, they knew God was real. They knew Jesus was the Christ, but they didn't trust him as their savior.

[01:55:26] David Pasqualone: So the Bible says, for whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. It's not a question. It's a promise. So, but it says, with the heart, man believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth, confession is made unto salvation. So, if you know of God, if you grew up in a Christian household, it doesn't count unless you trust Him.

[01:55:47] David Pasqualone: And when you trust Him, the Holy Spirit indwells in you, and that's where you get the real power to start living and healing and changing. So, Logan, thank you for your story and your time today, brother. I really appreciate it. Absolutely. Thank you, David. Yeah. And ladies and gentlemen, not because we're trying to get famous and, you know, be even higher up in the charts, but we're here recording this podcast because we love you.

[01:56:12] David Pasqualone: And more than that, God loves you. And we want to give you tools and knowledge to help you grow. So please share this again with people you know that need it. And you know, a friend tells you what you want to hear. A real friend tells you what you need to hear. So share this with people. Whichever side of the aisle they're on, if you think it'll help, and whatever happens, happens.

[01:56:33] David Pasqualone: We love you. I'm David Pasqualone. Again, this is our friend Logan, and we will see you in the next episode.

The Remarkable People Podcast. Check it out.

The Remarkable People Podcast. Listen. Do. Repeat. For Life!.

The Remarkable People Podcast.