Amber Love | Life's Messy: Freedom from Sexual Immorality, Denouncing God, & Experiencing True Love

“You've got to choose your hard. You can have hard that leads to destruction and death, or you can have hard that will eventually bring you to fruit of life." ~ Amber Love

Guest Bio: Amber is a third-generation survivor of sex trafficking. Today, Amber is committed to empowering the faith community to become mobilized in identifying and supporting survivors of sex trafficking in the church and acknowledging the power of God and his heart to restore the lost and broken.

SHOW NOTES: 

• Website: https://safehouseproject.org/gods-heart-to-eradicate-trafficking
• TikTok: @livingabovezero
• Closing Summary Timestamp: 02:12:30

REMARKABLE LISTENER SPECIAL OFFER(S):

• Enjoy saving 30% to 80% on EVERYTHING you order at MyPillow.com with free promo code, "REMARKABLE". Yes, that's right! Use the best MyPillow promo code out there to save a ton of money on all 250+ quality, comfortable, cozy products at MyPillow.com with Free MyPillow Promo Code, "Remarkable". From sheets, to blankets, to pillows, to mattress toppers, be ready to sleep better and live more comfortably than you ever have before!

CORE THEMES, KEYWORDS, & MENTIONS:

• sex trafficking, adoption, adoptive family, birth family, group home, foster care, sexual abuse, child molestation, peer-to-peer sexual abuse, love, physical abuse, spanking, spanking a child, insecurity, theft, teenage homelessness, meth addict, God, Holy Ghost, rape, raped, jail meets church camp, cult, recovery center, triggers, passing out, groomer, God’s will, arranged marriage, affair, trauma, healing, divorce, military rape, suicidal, military hospital, psych ward, grief, denouncing God, K-Love, dry bones, dissociation, sheol, sanctification, purification, Bible study, church, moral compass, survival mode, sex, adultery, curse, the tongue, Tinder, hookup site, domestic violence, freedom from sexual immorality, sex, depression, fighting against the flesh, a sacrifice of praise, creation, freedom in God, freedom in Christ, identity, a Voice for the Voiceless

For more Remarkable Episodes, Inspiration, and Motivation, please visit

Transcript

Amber Love | Life's Messy: Freedom from Sexual Immorality, Denouncing God, & Experiencing True Love | 24 June 2024

Welcome to the Remarkable People Podcast!: Listen. Do. Repeat. For Life!.

David Pasqualone: Life's messy. If you haven't figured that out yet, you probably haven't lived long enough. But the fact is, whether you have trusted Christ as your Savior, or whether you're still going through life on your own, we all have problems. We have highs, we have lows, we have everything in between. And today's guest talks about how life was messy before Christ and after Christ.

But the difference is, Christ is always with her, leads her each day, and she's in the process of growing and becoming a better human every day. And she not only takes her struggle and her story of sex trafficking and rape and years of abuse, How she got to the point where she was going to denounce God, and then that's when it turned the most to her favor.

Because she got true religion. She got people who really cared. if you are involved in sexual immorality, this is how you get through sexual immorality.

Here's some tips and tricks, but way more steps and tips and tricks and the whole story of Amber is in the rest of the episode. So again, I'm David Pasqualone. I'm so thankful for today's guest, Amber Love. She's talking to us about sexual immorality and how we can have victory over it and freedom and how life's just messy.

Whether you're a believer or a non believer, it's just messy. But the great news is God loves every one of us. God's there for every one of us. And he not just forgives us, but he helps us to forgive ourselves and loves those who harmed us. So that doesn't mean we don't have consequences. You'll hear about that in the episode, but it's going to teach you that no matter who you are listening to my voice right now, in a boat to listen to Amber's.

It doesn't matter how you feel, it doesn't matter what you've done, it doesn't matter what you've been told, you are loved, you can be forgiven, and you can have an enjoyable, victorious Christian life with peace and joy. Okay? So I'm David Pasqualone. Check out our guest, Amber Love.

Warning. The interview you're about to experience has already positively changed people's lives. If applied appropriately, it can change yours too. The views expressed are those of the guest and host. The content of this podcast is not meant to be legal, financial, or medical advice. Warning. This episode may contain graphic details of the guest's life. Listener discretion is advised.

 Hey, Amber, how are you today? I'm doing great, David. Thank you for having me here today. Oh, it's an honor. Me and our entire Remarkable community around the world are looking forward to your episode. I just told them a brief snippet of what they can expect in your episode, but from you directly.

If you had one message to communicate to our audience, like, hey, you stick around for this hour, I guarantee you're going to get this. What is that message you guarantee our audience today? I would say that, um, two parts actually, I got to take two. One is that you do not have to be enslaved to the effects of your trauma.

Trauma is not the end of your life and that also sexual immorality has a cost and you can be free from it. Yeah, and that's something that's so important today. I don't care if you believe in Christ and have trusted Him as your Savior. I don't care if you believe in the Big Bang and you don't believe there is a God.

Whoever you are, sexual morality is rampant across the world, not just America. And what Amber's talking about today is hugely important. Now, Amber, you are younger than me, but you're older than 12. And for you to be in today's society, there's a lot of pressure on men and women. They act like it's crazy to stay pure to your marriage, right?

Right. You have this passion. Yeah, you have this passion. Tell us your life story. Where did your life start? Bring us through to today. How did this become so important and how did you get the victory? Yeah, absolutely. I think it's important to note that, um, in the, in the society that we live in, not only do they think it's crazy to be pure in a marriage, but they think it's crazy that you would wait.

To have sex before marriage. And I think that is just, um, really a sign of how far we've come with sexual immorality. Um, but I have not always thought this way. So if I go to, um, the beginning, I should say that my, I am a third generation survivor of sex trafficking. My birth mother. Um, was trafficked by her mother's boyfriend at gunpoint, and then her mother was also, um, potentially trafficked, trafficked.

My, my birth mom is pretty sure of that. So I was [00:05:00] born to, um, a lady named Tammy, and she was very young. Um, she later also had, um, my sister Molly, and we were put up for adoption, um, around the ages of two and three. Um, so we went into like a group home. So back then they called them, um, uh, orphanages, but then it was turned to group home.

Then we went into foster care and were later, um, later adopted. Um, we can look back now and importance to the story that probably in that time, I had already been sexually abused, um, in some manner, um, just based upon, you know, the people that were around my birth mother, the people, um, just how the foster care system works.

Um, And so we can tell, looking at my life, that before adoption, there was probably some, um, early childhood sexual abuse. So I was adopted to a family, um, who had three kids, um, or two, one had passed away and, you know, it kind of raised in a really good home. And I also want to say that whatever I share about my family now is not to dishonor them because.

God is a God of restoration, reconciliation, and he has done that in my family. So even though that has happened, this also, these facts, um, happened in my life. So around the age, so I was adopted by almost four, about five years old. I remember, um, standing in the hallway and my mother saying, my adoptive mother saying, if you don't call us mom and dad, we'll have to send you back to the orphanage, because I was struggling with, you know, adapting to.

The new family. And I remember that just being a very difficult thing to hear as a child. And although I know they didn't mean to create this idea that I have to become what people need me to be, to love as a young child, that's what I received. They just wanted to help me, you know, be a part of the family and accept that.

So later on, I, I don't recall telling one of my. Family members this, but, um,

but I had, I, I'm guessing that I had told him because he began, it was, it's called peer to peer sexual abuse. It's around the age of eight. Um, this family member began to do, asked me to do sexual things. And, um, when I had said I didn't want to do them anymore, cause I didn't understand, I didn't feel like it was right.

He said, if you don't let me do X, Y, and Z, I'm going to tell your parents and they're going to send you back to the orphanage. So there starts to begin a pattern in my life where, um, relationships were transactional and you had to do whatever that person needed you to do to, to be loved by them. So that went on, I'm guessing for like, Maybe a year.

Um, in childhood, it's hard to know how long those things last. Um, yeah, it gets kind of confusing because it's real, but almost block it out, right? Yeah, yeah. And I, and I tried to do that for, for a little while when it did finally stop. I don't even recall how it ended, but it, I mean, it was right under everybody's nose.

It was at the house, all the other cousins were around, um, you know, and it was just secrecy. It was, you know, and wild to think that another, you know, seven, eight year old, um, could have distribute those kinds of sexual behaviors at such a young age. And mind you, like we grew up, And like my uncle was the past, was the pastor of our church.

My grandpa built it. My mom and her sister played the piano. We did puppet ministry. Um, my dad has been doing accounting for 20 something years, um, with the church. So our church, like our family was the church basically. And so all of those things, you know, required you to kind of suppress it and to not expose what had gone.

And so, um, also, you know, in my childhood, so we did puppets church, constant involvement. I still have constant involvement with that, that person because they were family. Um, we did youth group and

it, you know, it looked wholesome. It looked very wholesome, but at home there began to be like physical abuse. And so I remember being one of the only ones, my sister and I were, um, spanked pretty regularly, but we were spanked with a paddle that was about, About this thick and this wide and it said the Alamo on it.

And it was a joke, you know, to remember the Alamo. Um, and I remember it. Um, there was a time where we would, I would get spanked for procrastinating. [00:10:00] And that wasn't just like two whops on the butt. It was, um, for every letter in the word you got spanked and you had to spell it. And if you missed a letter, you continued to get spanked.

Until you've, you spelled it correctly. So I, at the worst of that, um, I remember turning over trying to protect myself cause I couldn't take the pain anymore. Um, on my, on my bottom. And she continued to spank me on the front. Um, and so, you know, I realize now I'm like, Oh, that's abuse. And, you know, my mom and I have reconciled that she has actually acknowledged, I feel so blessed to have had a parent who can say, wow, I was really struggling with my own anger issues and took it out on you.

And, um, but that did happen and it did cause a lot of fear and a lack of trust in my relationship with my family. Um, yeah. And just to clarify for all the listeners around the world, Amber and I, especially, we're not saying spanking's wrong, but anything out of balance is wrong. Is necessary to keep somebody on the right track.

Abusing somebody and beating somebody is, is not acceptable. Yeah, if you're spanking a child in anger and hurting them, not just on the bottom, hurting them, but like physically, like arms, legs, face, that's, that's wrong. But if you're on the bottom and you're correcting them biblically in love, totally fine.

It's like the difference. We were just talking about this murder and killing. If someone breaks in my house, And I can stop them without killing them, that's murder. But if I have to kill them, there's nothing wrong with that because I was defending my family. So same thing with spanking, if you're balanced and you're spanking your child to get them corrected, you know, spare the rod, spoil the child, that's perfectly fine.

But if you're beating them in anger to get your jollies out or so you feel better, you need to stop. Time out isn't for children. Time out is for parents to calm down. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I definitely strayed to the other side. I'm like, I'm not even touching my kid. I did it one time, and I made it count.

Cause I was like, I'm, he, you know, challenged me, and I was like, if you do this, I'm gonna, you know, pull your pants down and spank your butt. And he looks at me and goes, do it. And I was like, I knew in that moment. Oh my goodness, I'm going to have to do this. We haven't had to do it ever again. Yeah. Do we have to do that again?

He's like, no. Okay. I did not like that. So, um, so yeah, that, that was, you know, but outside of like those things, um, you know, we went to like Disneyland and we did lots of family events and family came over and stuff, but that was underlining tempo or temperature for me is constantly thinking if I did something wrong, I could be given away.

And, um, there was, I want to kind of switch to, um, a really important time where I actually, looking back now, I realized when I kind of prophesied what, um, my calling in life would be. And that is, I grew up in this tiny little town, um, just white people and some Hispanic people, like it was just country.

People had, you know, cattle, that kind of, that kind of world. Yeah, what area and country? Um, in, uh, Oregon, in Prineville, Oregon. So like central Oregon, the high desert. Yeah. Yeah. They got a Starbucks a few years ago. My mom called, she was so excited. She's like, we got a Starbucks, you know, it's still a small place.

Nice. So. I'm going to school and in third grade, I pick up a book from the school library and it's about a woman named Harriet Tubman. And I read about her. My mind is exploding. Like she just amazes me in what she can do. And this was my really my first window into a world outside of What I knew, um, as a child.

And so I've just, I became obsessed with her. I wrote every report about her until fifth grade. They said, Hey, you know, don't let her write a report on Harriet Tubman. We think she's cheating. And I was like, no, I'm just obsessed with this woman. So they told me to, um, to find somebody else. And my response was, who else is there?

Like, who else is there? I found out there was a lot of amazing people that did a lot of amazing things, but Harriet Tubman just kind of stuck with me for a long time and still is, um, a very important person in history to me. So, then in 8th grade, we skip forward a few years, I had, or 7th grade, no, 8th grade, I got the opportunity to go to Washington, D.

C. and go on a field trip where all the 8th grade class, we go for a week, we go to the Capitol and, um, museums and all that kind of stuff. And I went to the Holocaust Museum. And I remember walking through that museum and seeing all the shoes and reading the stories of just genocide. Um, and just completely shattering inside because I've lived a somewhat [00:15:00] protected life from the world.

Um, and I'm leaving, I'm expecting everybody else to be crying and not okay, but they're outside squirting water bottles, getting on the bus and just moving on with life. So we get to the mall and I call my mom on a pay phone and I was just like, Hey, mom, I am not okay. Like what I just saw. What I just learned and I can't unsee that.

And, um, I said, you know, if I were, if I were alive during the Holocaust, I would, I would have hid the Jews. And she said, I know, baby girl, I know. And I said, if I were alive during slavery, I would have helped free the slaves. And she said, I know, baby girl, I know. And then I said, I want to be Harriet Tubman for my generation.

Having no idea what that would look like for me, what I would have to walk through, that I would have to go through slavery, that I would have to fight for my freedom, that I would eventually live in my freedom for a few years and then realize it's not enough to live in this freedom by myself. I have to go back and get other people.

Um, and that, and that's currently what I'm doing. I'm in that process. And, um, yeah, I just, I look back and I'm like, wow, I spoke. into life, what I was doing, I would be breaking a generational curse. Um, and that was an assignment on my life for my, my, my son, who will not experience those things, his children.

Um, and so, yeah, that's, that's the story of Harriet Tubman and probably the main event that I recall from my childhood. Um, that was positive. So, um, about Really quickly, actually, because we have listeners In over 130 countries, but actively over a hundred countries. Not everybody knows you, Harriet Tubman.

And so in like 30, 60 seconds, give a summary of what she did. Yes, Harriet Tubman. She did a lot, but the main catalyst. Yeah, Harriet Tubman was born into slavery, um, in America. She was, um, abused. She was taken off the fields because they said, you know, she couldn't work out there. She got hit in the head with this rock and began to have, um, dreams and visions, like fainting spells, but they would, she recalls them as, The Holy Spirit visiting her and giving her direction.

So she runs away from slavery. She survives it and gets to freedom, um, after everybody's chasing her, looking for her, and everything like that. Um, and then lives there for a while and decides that it's not enough. Um, to have freedom for herself. She has to go back and get her family. So she ends up going back, um, through the underground railroad and using that system and freeing, um, all of family, friends, um, children, she states, um, in some of her stuff that she never lost one life, um, but she was willing to take one to protect everyone.

Um, she later becomes a spy for the U S government. Um, she becomes a nurse. Um, she built a home with her. She had a family. Um, and it just kind of goes on into history and I don't want to do her disservice by no, but she, yeah. Remarkable, remarkable work. She should be on your podcast. Yeah. She'd be a remark.

She's a remarkable human by today's standards. Yeah. Back then with the impact she made in such a big time. She really stands for doing what is right in the face of being told to do nothing. You know, that we should accept the status quo, that we should just live with what society tells us is okay. She challenged it and, um, and saved thousands, thousands of lives.

All right. I didn't mean to derail from your story, but I do want to make sure there's a point of reference in there. Absolutely. That's a very good point. So, um, about 16, 15, maybe 15, 15 or 16, I'm going to say 15. My, um, the person who had been sexually abusing me, um, did it again. You know, I was, I was at home.

I kind of had blocked it out. So I wasn't really thinking I finally got over it. Um, but had blocked it out. And while I was sleeping, he came to do something more than he'd done before. Um, I don't know, like my story is not PG. You can say whatever you want, however you're led. This is an adult podcast. And whether you talk about explicit things or whether you talk in cuss, I don't care.

I mean, if somebody doesn't like it, they can shut it off, but say what's necessary to the story or what you're comfortable with. And I wouldn't worry about it. I mean, we don't need to go into extra graphic detail. Exactly. It doesn't need to be said, but there's people out there who will connect with you based on the experiences you've had.

So it's definitely worth it. And if there's somebody out there struggling with being the scumbag, listen, the impact you have on people, because you deserve to be beat like a pinata. So get it right. Well, I'm going to say something just to that point, [00:20:00] that where I have come, even with that idea that.

Everybody who's been abusive deserves to pay. I understand that thought process and I carried it for a long time, but I'm now in a mindset that only the Holy Spirit could have changed in me, that even they deserve forgiveness from God. Not necessarily from me, but from, from God and that Christ died on the, on the cross for them too.

And they can be redeemed. And so if, if somebody is listening and they're struggling with being somebody who's been abusive, um, you, you also can be free. Yes, and I want to just clarify, I agree you are loved, you can be forgiven, chances are you were abused, that's why you're an abuser, but you have a choice to continue or not to continue.

And like Amber said, if you rape a child, you can be forgiven by God, you can be forgiven by the child, you can be forgiven by the family, but that doesn't mean there's no consequences you deserve. And if you're really right with God, you'll be the first one to admit you have consequences you deserve. If you get grace or pardon, awesome.

But, um, you shouldn't demand it. There's so many people today that sin and they're like, I deserve forgiveness. I deserve grace. It's like, we don't deserve any of it. Huh? Yeah. Yeah. We don't really deserve any of it. It's freely given. No, but it shows just how unrepentant these people are. People cheat on their spouse and like, you should forgive me.

God says, forgive. Yeah. God also says don't have an affair and ruin generations of family, but you can be forgiven, but be genuine. Like you're not even right with God yet yourself. And you're asking for other people to forgive you. So when you're talking about people who sexually abuse you, that's tough to forgive.

We should, it's individual that got raped, but to let go of. Yeah. But there should, there still should be consequences for our actions. And I've had consequences for my actions and we'll get to that. Um, yeah. So go on. So this guy comes in, he does it again. Yep. He, he, he does a little bit more than what we did as children.

And I froze and I'm like, so I, as a child, I was like, Oh, I let it happen, but I just, I didn't know what to do. And so I pretended to like be waking up and he quit. And so I got out, I left my room. And I ultimately, and he tried several times that weekend, like if he thought I was asleep or whatever, I just like creeped up on me.

Um, and so I decided at that point, I have to tell my parents, like at this point, it's, you know, I don't, I don't know what to do. And so I told my parents because they were wanting him to stay the night. And I was like, no, they're like, young lady, get into the library. Why are you acting this way? And I was like, this is what he's done.

You know, he put things inside of me. He's every time I'm asleep, um, he's trying to touch, touch my breasts and, you know, this is what's happening. And their response, unfortunately, was, we told you not to be alone with him, which I don't recall. Why would that even be said to me? Like, We're all together. All seven of us cousins were together 24 7, just all the time.

Yeah. And that's like a blaming statement. Yeah. Yeah. And, um, so she said, you know, we told you not to be together alone with him. And now we're going to have to tell his family and the whole church is going to fall apart. The family's going to fall apart. We're going to have to sell our cabin and send you to some, to a behavioral school in Kansas.

Is that what you wanted? And like, even now, as I say that, I'm just like, gossed at that, that it could even be, that that really happened, um, now as an adult. And, um, so I beg them not to. Yeah, their focus wasn't on God then or what's right. It was on themselves. Definitely came from, they came from families where, you know, you keep things hidden.

You know, it's a very, you know, so kind of ending that, that was their generational thing they had to work through. And now we speak openly. Um, you know, so first John talks about bringing everything into the light and how it's healthy and it's biblical. And we had these generations that hid everything and it's like, clearly you're not reading your Bible.

I mean, it's just like you're hiding things. That's not of God. That's of Satan. Yeah. I'm sorry you had to go through that, Amber. Thank you. Um, I know I had to go through it though, and I'm grateful. I, that sounds crazy, but I am, I'm really grateful for what I've been through to get to where I am. So I begged them not to tell anybody.

And so we didn't. And we never spoke of it again. And all of a sudden I found myself in therapy, but I didn't know why. I thought I was being punished. I remember the therapist saying, did you, do you want to be here? Or are you being forced to be here? Or do you know why you're here? And I was like, I have no idea why I'm here, but I think I'm in trouble.

And, um, she was a nice lady, but we didn't get to anything. Cause I didn't know, nothing changed in like five minutes. So, I think they quit, you know, quit bringing me. [00:25:00] So, that happened around 15. Um, I lost my virginity at 16. Um, to my, like, my first time boyfriend. And he broke up with me like three days later and all this stuff seems like, oh, it's just high school, but it all adds up to like a, a theme of how you view the world.

So he breaks up with me. I'm absolutely devastated. Um, and then the trauma of everything just starts catching up. Cause I still have to see this person at every family function. I still have to see them at the school. It's a small school. It's a small town. We still have to go and do puppet ministry together, flagpole prayer meetings.

And, you know, I'm just a, I'm just a kid who doesn't know that there's something else. You know that this is wrong. Um, and so that was, that was all the way through high school. I did start hanging out with some people cause I couldn't any longer sit with my youth group and sit with the family. I just, I had so much shame and embarrassment and guilt and secrecy that I started hanging out with some other people who just accepted me.

Like I brought the food, they brought the weed. And I was like, this isn't, you know, I don't have any money, but my parents got food. There's four kids here. So I would start hanging out with them and. I have no idea how I got introduced to a 23 year old man, um, when I was 17 and had sex with him. I, I'm like, I still do this day.

I'm like, how did that situation even happen? So I remember, you know, he'd been telling me he works at the airport and I just thought it was so cool. And I was seeing an older man. And now I look back and I was like, I don't know that 23 and 17 is, So I had to look it up yesterday and I was like, what is this?

And it's just, it's statutory rape. It's because a 17 year old cannot make that decision. Even at 17, we can make a decision to say, I'm going to have sex with this person, but legally that should not happen. And that person knew. So not that that's a situation. And at that age, that's a massive age difference.

That's like an 18 year old dating a 12 year old. And it's just the emotional level, the physical level, the psychological it was just a predator. But I was, I was seeking comfort. Right. I was seeking somebody to love me and accept me because I could not, I could not be myself at home anymore. I could not share my, everything about me was wrong and you know, and was unworthy and just all those things that you kind of tell yourself when you have to live in secrecy and nobody knows about the sexual abuse.

Um, and I, and how do you even speak about it? You know, I thought it was my fault. Um, so. That, that was the second person I had ever been with and, um, nothing terrible happened, but it just, it's part of the story. At 18, I was kicked out for not being consistently not being where I was supposed to be. And for smoking weed, I came home three days after my birthday and my parents were there at lunchtime.

And I was like, Oh, like something's up. And I walked in and they said, you have three days to move out. You can no longer continue to hurt this family. And perspectives, right? I mean, their perspective was one thing and mine was like, but I'm the one being hurt, you know, and they're like, you said you have somewhere you can go, you can go.

I have nowhere to go. So I ended up calling that first ex boyfriend's mother and she moved me in and to a different city. So I moved about 45 minutes away and tried to, um, Go to school, tried to, I had to get a job. I was, you know, kind of stealing money from her daughter, which I know now that they were figuring out, they started putting locks on doors, but I was in survival.

I was like, I, I don't have anything. I don't know how to get food. I don't know how to get a job. I don't know how to get anywhere. I get myself to school. Um, all of those things, I kind of was just like kicked out. Now go be an adult, you know, three days after being 18. And so I didn't stay there long, um, because of, because of the stealing money.

Um, and so I found myself, um, being homeless. And so my friend from high school, my best friend, we used to hang out at her uncle's house and he would let us drink or smoke weed. As long as we did it there, you know, making it a super safe and trust trusting relationship. That's what I see now. I was like, Oh, that was intentional.

Um, and he allowed me to stay there. Um, but he said, and I, and I'm going to, I'm going to do this part because he said, Amber, you can absolutely stay here. Just go ahead and wait for me in my bed. And I, I remember being like, Oh, this isn't good. But I'm like, I have nowhere else to go. I don't know anybody.

I'm terrified. I've, you know, I thought everybody loved Jesus. Like I didn't know bad people. And so I'm [00:30:00] like, I can't go back out there. So I went and waited for him in his bed. And, um, and he slept with me multiple times. It was so just like, even now I'm like, that was so disgusting. He was like a hippie Jesus, you know, just dirty.

And I, I actually found a picture in my, in my boxes the other day when I was going through some things and I was like, whoa, I, and I still had never seen him as that person until I, you know, identified as a trafficking survivor. And I could look back and I found a journal entry where I wrote in there, um, You know, I hope my, my best friend isn't mad at me for how much I had to sleep with her uncle.

Um, I hope she understands the pressure that I was under. And that's the only journal entry in that book. And I was just like, that was confirmation. That actually really helped me to be like, okay, I'm not making this stuff up. Yeah. The fact is like things you're talking about. For everybody listening, I want to make sure we're really clear.

When you're a Christian, you're Christ like. But when you're surrounded by religion, that doesn't mean anything if it's not true religion, right? James is pure religion because of the Father and the Word. Keep Thyself Unspotted from the World. But you are in the worst possible scenario, in my opinion.

Because you're living with people who talk about Christ, but live nothing like it. Like to, to say They lived in every other area. I, I, I don't like I know my parents loved the Lord and they had a lot of pain. They lost a daughter. Um, I, what, you know, they didn't know how to deal with the generational curses that came with adopting a child.

You know, there was no resources about preparing parents for that kind of stuff. Like here, here's a kid. Thanks. This one's free because you went through the system. You don't have to pay any money, you know, like, Hey, we've got two of them. Can you take two there? There's just the information we have now was not available.

So I don't, I want to be, I want to honor my parents. Yeah, and that's great. And acknowledge that bad things happen, you know. Yeah, I guess what I'm trying to point out though is there's people who are being told they're wrong when really they're not. Like you've got to listen to God and the Holy Spirit and purity and right because Even if someone you love and respect and who's supposed to be taking care of you says something, if it doesn't have scripture, it's not true.

Yeah. When they're putting priorities of their own interest and how, how they look in public. Protecting the family. Yeah. It's just, that's just not right. And again, Every one of us can be put in situations, Satan's trying to take us all down. Says he's like a lion, seeking whom he may devour. Satan's evil.

Satan causes all these problems. But I'm just telling to the people listening now, where you're like the one person, you're like, this is wrong. And everybody's telling you you're wrong. Yeah. It's not you. Get out. Yeah. If you're lining up with the Stand on business and get out. Yeah, exactly. Because you're, you dealt with it the hard way and you kept, and you love your family and you're talking honorably about them, but what they did was wrong.

Period. And it continued in the cycle of harm. And thank God you got out of it and you're going to continue your story. But for the people who are in it now, I just want them to have the confidence that no, it's not you. And that is screwed up. And what would you say, what would you say, David, to a child who.

Is in that situation and, you know, thinks that God is going to save them. And they're continuing to be abused and they don't know who they can go to because the people who are supposed to protect them are abusing. Yeah. And that's just it. So when you're a child, like you were abused, I wasn't abused in the same way you're abused, but when children are abused, it is huge.

Who do you trust? What do you say? And you know, there's kids who think I'm spanked, but I'm like, not like, you know, like when you're talking about spanking, like I grew up in an Italian home. We didn't, you know, we got spanked like crazy, but the thing is that it was in love, right? But if there's kids getting beat and arms broken, that's abuse, right?

Yeah. But who do you go to so it's safe and it doesn't get worse? It's just like when you see that opportunity in that window and you know, somebody loves you, But then you don't, you don't know who to trust, you know, I, this day I struggle with trust me and God working on that. I'm like, Hey. I need to trust you.

I need to be able to do that. And, and I, I do, and I absolutely do. He's probably the only person. Um, but you know, it carries on because once you don't trust the people who are keeping you safe, you look at everybody else completely different. Yeah, a hundred percent, 100%. So, and it's like, sadly, there's fewer and fewer people.

It seems that are trustworthy people who are not going to manipulate. They're not doing things for their best interest. They're doing it because it's right. Right. And so we're not speaking to children and telling them what to do in this podcast, [00:35:00] because this is for 18 and older, but at the same time, if you're in an abusive situation, when you do see the opportunity and someone is there that you do feel you can trust.

You know, you got to take it because speak up. Yeah, you go and talk about how did you talk to your children about it? So for the adults listening talk to your children about speaking out against what's wrong. Hey, these things are wrong Make sure you're telling your children young about Their bodies and what is safe and what is not and what a safe person is and continuously do that so that they know they can go to somebody.

Um, because it, it might not be the parents. It might, you know, they could be, um, a third of child abuse cases are actually done by a family, a child in the family. Yeah, peer to peer, um, not even fathers and uncles, like one third, um, of children are abused by another child. So threatening and things like that.

So just, you know, communicate with your kids. It's really important to not just assume they're going to know what to do. They, they've never been two. They've never been three. They've never been four years old. Their minds are developing. So. Yeah, and this is so tough because this is a, every situation is different.

It's so sensitive and the children are brainwashed to think from birth and groomed. Like you said, that uncle, he immediately was grooming you, immediately. He was a predator grooming you. So it's like, These people get their mind blended and the people blend people's minds on purpose. So it's just, it's a blessing.

You get out. So continue your story. I don't want to cut it off. It's just such a. No, it's okay. These are good. These are, these are good tangents and clarifications. So I actually found out later, um, like 20 years later that that same uncle, who was 34, by the way, I was 18. Um, did it to another person that I went to high school with, another one of our friends, and it had me kind of questioning my friend.

I was like, girl, do you know, were you just bringing us around? I am, I'm choosing to believe that's not the case, but it definitely came up into my mind. Like, how come so many of your friends? We're being abused by him on pretending like it's consensual, you know, so, um. And that happens all the time. People say they're friends and they bring you in and then they sex traffic.

You literally drug you and you wake up another country. They use you and abuse you. It's sad. It's rampant. Yeah, and that's a good transition to sex trafficking. A lot of times we think, and it's important because when I share what I'm going to share, I don't want people to be like, well, that's not trafficking.

Um, I work in anti trafficking now. Um, I've been working in it for, for a little while on and off, but trafficking is not just somebody being kidnapped. Trafficking is not just having a pimp. Trafficking is when you are coerced or, um, fraud, you know, convinced to do things against your will. Or, so one of them is survival sex.

They have guerrilla trafficking, they have, um, familial trafficking. 40 percent of trafficking survivors, um, that were started out as children were trafficked by a family member. Um, so there's all these different, um, and actually during COVID, we saw that number increased to 50%. So 50 percent of our calls were survivors being trafficked by a family member or had originally been trafficked that way.

So my experience was survival sex. Um, and so after that point, when I told him no, and he immediately kicked me out or he found a reason, he's like, oh, you're using meth. And I'm like, no, I'm not. Which I kind of was, um, I had been introduced to that. When I tried to get some weed and someone's like, we don't have weed, but we have this.

And I was so depressed with not having family and not knowing where I was going and dropping out of high school in my senior year, like three months before graduation. Um, that I was like, you know what? Nobody loves me anymore. And I tried it. I might as well. And I had no idea what I was doing. And that began a nine month addiction to methamphetamines.

Um, Months on meth can make a massive change in your physiology, in your mind. How did that affect you? Um, I mean, I was. With dealers, um, I was, and not for drugs. It was still survival sex. It was for a place to live, for food to eat. And I got free drugs out of it. Um, but I was homeless essentially going from dealer to dealer and sleeping with people on the street that, um, not like standing on a corner, but just, I was homeless.

So I lived on the street. So the people I met lived that, those kinds of lifestyles. And there were. It just, it helped me. It actually, I say helped, but it helped me forget about everything. It completely numbed everything. I, for nine months, I didn't think about, I've been given away by an adopted family.

I've been given away [00:40:00] by my birth family. Nobody loves me. I was just on drugs. Having sex for survival, stealing clothes, and whatever. Like, I would wake up one day and call somebody and be like, hey, do you want to go shoplifting today? Like, that was just a normal thing, thing to do. And that's crazy to me.

Um, but it, it affected my mentality. I think I still, with trauma also, um, it's definitely made my brain, I have a hard time connecting. My neurons or whatever in my brain have a hard time connecting to like bring things together and make decisions and stuff. Um, so I, I heavily rely on the Holy Spirit. Um, so yeah, I went from, you know, 120 pounds to 80 pounds.

Um, I was absolutely raped multiple times, um, in that time on the street. Um, you know, people that I'm like, okay, I'm gonna sleep with this person. And then I was like, Hey, I thought I could change my mind. I still thought I had like some kind of. Ownership over my body, be like, Hey, I don't want to do this anymore.

And they'd say things like, Oh, you're going to do this whether you like it or not. And, um, and, and that was my life. I was just being assaulted and having to have sex in. That was terrible. Um, so I went from 120 pounds as an 18 year old to 80 pounds. I was up for weeks at a time. I didn't eat anymore. And I decided I had to tell my family, um, because my brother had come to visit and I found a church so that he could think that I was going to church, right?

Like, like he wouldn't be able to tell that my sister's on drugs. Um, you're just a little delusional. And so, He came to visit and I was like, Hey, I can't go to church. Like, I'm really sick. I think I have a kidney infection and um, I have something to tell you. So we went for a walk instead of going to church and he was in college.

And I said, you know, I'm addicted to methamphetamines. And still did not understand that what I was going through was trafficking, did not understand that I was, that that was anything. And also we didn't have a term for it. Nobody spoke about that back then. So he says, well, let's get the family together.

Um, and we'll meet in Redmond. So I, Came from Prangville, there's a little, a bigger town, Redmond, and then about 10 minutes away is Bend, Oregon. So I'm living in Bend. So my parents agreed to meet in Redmond. They wouldn't even come to me. And so we met at a Sherry's, like a little diner and they're like, all right, let's go inside.

And I said, Hey, what I got to tell you is. I'm not telling you inside there. I'm going to tell you right here. My mom's freaking out. She's like, we are going inside. It's still that need to be like, not have a scene be caused. Um, and so she wanted me to go inside. We're fighting and arguing. And I finally just yelled, I'm addicted to meth and passed out.

Like just was out. The next thing I remember, I was waking up in Hospital and I was kind of just really disoriented and I said, Hey, um, are we in Pineville? And they're like, no, we're in Bend. You're at the hospital. And so from from Redmond to Bend, I was completely unconscious. Um, and that's, that's at least what, an hour and a half, right?

Redmond to bend? No, it's like 20, 20 minutes from Redmond to Okay, okay. To bend. But still that's, you know, it's a decent amount of time to be unconscious. Unconscious, yeah. . Yeah. So I, I. We're, we're pulling up to the hospital. We get inside there. Um, I pick, you know, there's all this chaos going on. At least it seemed that way to me.

And then they start taking my clothes off and I have no idea where they're taking my clothes off, but they're, they're doing that. And a spider, I see a spider crawl out of my pants. I was living so filthily, so unclean, not eating, being raped on a regular basis. And there were, Animals living in my pants.

Like, um, I freaked out. I absolutely lost my mind. I started screaming and flailing. I remember doctors and nurses coming to hold me down because it was complete panic. Like, it took a lot of people to hold me down. And, um, I remember looking down at my feet for a moment and my mom was holding my feet down and just the tears were coming out of her eyes.

And for, and I, and I saw her as a mother with a broken heart, not a mother who was, who, who abused me or was angry at me, was punishing me, like just a mother who was just like broken to see her daughter like that. And in that moment, I said, I can't keep doing this. And I said, God, if you get me out of bend, you get me a place to live.

You get me a job. And. Get me a way to get there. Um, I'll quit using meth, but if you don't do those things, I can't quit. Like I'm going to leave this hospital and go back to my dealer boyfriend, you know? Um, and I woke up, I'm guessing like [00:45:00] three, about three days later that I started actually being aware of where I was.

Um, and I heard a doctor or somebody outside saying, oh my God, she's awake. And then in walks my father with an application to a program called Life Change. And I'm looking at it and you know, you live there, you work there, um, it's in Portland, so it's away from Bend. Um, and I was like, Oh, well, I don't have a way to get there.

So, and my dad's like, Oh, we'll take you. We will drive you there. And I was like, darn it. So what it looked like to me was a little bit of jail and a little bit of church camp. Right, like you sign this agreement, you go there for four years, four years, and it's a Christian, um, Christian place. So I decide, I'm like, all right, jail and church camp, God, you answered all of my demands, and I signed, just signed it.

Um, I ended up going there Thanksgiving of 2004, and that's when everybody was graduating high school. So like, my class had, um, How was that? Hold on one second. That was 2000 going into 2005, something like that. I guess that doesn't matter, but somewhere around there. And, um, so yeah, November, 2004. And I was the youngest person to come through their program.

I had just turned 19, um, had all my teeth still. And I think the next, um, youngest person was like in their thirties. And. That was just the program. So I get in there. I actually have a mugshot, if you will. They took a before picture and it's the only thing I have from, from back then. Um, and I just, I look so skinny and.

So, when you first went into this program, you started out by wearing a jumpsuit, and I've been seeing videos about programs like this, and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm also, again, not crazy for what I went through. This was a cult.

Um, so I get in there, you wear a jumpsuit, you can't speak unless spoken to for 30 days. And every time you speak, if you say something without your person that is allowed to talk to you, um, they add an extra day. So I was, I was looking at like two months of not speaking. Um, so I wore this jumpsuit. It was very shameful.

Um, if you did anything wrong, you had to, you'd get punished with like scrubbing toilets with a toothbrush or a tile and it's. People would come in and be like, make sure you're only scrubbing that tile. So you couldn't enjoy cleaning all the tiles and being productive. You just had to sit there and scrub a tile, um, for eight hours.

The most I ever got was 40. I got 40 hours of cleaning a toilet with a toothbrush after I would get up and do Bible study, get everybody's medications together, um, go and work all day at the thrift store. Um, and then come home, we would have dinner, serve the homeless, go to class, and then we had an hour every night of time to ourselves.

And that hour, I had to clean a toilet, um, and then go to bed and do it every day. Um, the other thing that happened there that was actually pretty traumatizing, this, and this place is when I actually began to start passing out a lot. Um, so passing out from trauma, passing out, um, from triggers and all that kind of stuff.

It's actually been like a year and a half since I've had a pass out spell. Thank you, Jesus. Um, I just believe he's healing me. So when a man would have a dream, because it was male and female, when a guy would have a dream or a vision or a thought or something about me, and he would tell his friends and on the men's floor about it, and then it would get to leadership.

I would be the one who was punished for being sexually promiscuous, and I would have to read a scripture in front of staff, residents, um, and volunteers, and everybody knew whatever scripture you read was what you had done, right? So I would read scriptures about being a prostitute, about sexual immorality, and I would just get up there and basically just Those things over myself until they were memorized.

Um, and not the men, the men didn't have to get up and be held accountable for anything. Um, that came to something of that nature. So I did that. How many people were at this place roughly? A lot of people. Um, let's see, women's story at the time was usually no more than like So it was small. Now they have like a whole women's program.

They went under investigation. It's a new program. Um, and then the men's floor was like 25. So you're like 30, 30 [00:50:00] residents at the time. People come in and go in and stuff like that. So it would fluctuate or decrease. But then all the volunteers that would come to serve the homeless, they were from different churches, different community groups.

Um, and then the staff would also sometimes join us at dinner time with their families. You know, I think that those people thought we were just reading scriptures. I don't think they knew what was going on with using scriptures to punish people. So using the word of God to, you know, bring me down. So I did that for three and a half years.

Um, I got to a level of leadership. Um, then the investigation started happening because there was claims of sexual abuse from one of the male leaders. Who would always tell me, you, you're going to be a lifer here. And I'm like, I want to be a social worker. Like, I just really feel a call to go and help people.

And he's like, no, you don't need a degree. You're going to be, you're going to be here forever. I know, I know people like you. And he would just, any dream I would have, he would, he would squash it. And I would oftentimes leave his office just crying. Um, Which other people did as well, but other people actually saw sexual things happening behind the desk when that was going on.

So I never, I never looked for that. So I don't know. But, um, it was investigated. And so during that time, I was like, Hey guys, I don't really think that I need to be here. For four years, like, when are you going to give me my graduation? Like, it's like, Hey, four years or, you know, but you might get out early.

They weren't going to let me get out early. Um, I was the only woman, you know, at that time in the highest level that I could get to before I got promoted to counsel, which was like the transition phase out of the program. So I was in cabinet and, um, I, this man was like, Hey, I re I really like you. And I was like, I would look at him and be like, He would make a good husband, but I don't know if I'm attracted to him.

Um, he was quite a bit, he was 13 years older than me. Um, but I was like, you know, I would, I'd be willing to communicate to staff about it, but I'm definitely not going to have a secret relationship in this program. And he had already graduated. So I was like, I think that we should talk to people about it and not be secretive if we want to date.

And maybe they can use this as an example of how to appropriately date. You know, so we went to the staff and he's like, his name was Mike. He was, this is not the guy. This is not the guy that worked there. That was no, this wasn't a groomer. This was someone who, yeah, this was someone who graduated, who went through the program, was there four years.

Got you. Okay. Okay. Yeah. And, um, and so we're sitting in this office and he's like, I love her. And I'm going, wait, he loves me. Like I, Wait, hold on. I don't know. Um, but it put me in a situation and they're like, Amber, do you love him? I said, well, I mean, like I would, I would like to get to know him more. Um, but we, you know, we just wanted to come forward and say like, hey, this is kind of a thing that's happening so that we can be honest and above board.

And they said, well, we're going to have to pray about this. We're going to have to talk to your, your council team, um, and see, you know, which is just residents. So each one teach one was the philosophy. Um, so as you're abused, you go into a position of power and continue to abuse other people. Um. Right.

That's what it was. And so the team met, they called us in and they're like, yep. So the team said, absolutely not because one of the guys on the team, he liked me and was mad that I was not returning those favors or that those feelings. And so the staff said, if you decide to stay, you cannot see him or speak to him.

Um, you will be put on a communication ban again for a little bit, which I was on those all the time, just cause I had a. I had a mouth without control. So I wasn't allowed to speak to people all the time. And they're like, if you decide to stay, we're not going to tell you when you graduate, you can't see him.

And I'm like, it's six months until I've been here four years. I was barely 19 when I walked in. I don't need to be here for five years. Like you're institutionalizing me. And they're like, but if you decide to leave, you need to be out by dinner. And that was the catalyst for me. I was like, I've given you three and a half years of service, of loyalty, of submission.

of not questioning you, um, of trying to lead well and not, you know, repeat these cycles. And you're going to give me until the end of the day to get my stuff and get out in a city, like we live downtown Portland. All that's down there is, um, homeless people and, and addicts. Like, where do you think I'm going to go?

Like, you want to just, okay. That's fine. And I just, I gave it myself. Peace out. I had no idea where I was going to go. Um, but I ended up, um, my advocate in the program, Alberta McCoy, who I love dearly to this day, [00:55:00] um, she helped me find somewhere to go, um, against what staff Was saying they're like, you can't communicate.

She's like, I'm gonna help this girl find somewhere to live. Like y'all crazy. Um, so I moved in with someone who used to work there. This really, really older man, Carl. And I lived in it's like basement. I ended up marrying Mike six months later because what else am I going to do? Everybody was saying, Oh, you left the program, but it's God's will.

It's God's will. And so I wanted to please everyone. I wanted to be in it. It's God's will. Um, And I didn't know that I could make those decisions. I didn't, you know, I was just thrown out into the world again and abandoned by the only other family that I knew. So we got married. And that is not uncommon, ladies and gentlemen, if you're listening to Amber.

There's so many times, especially with new Christians or people trying to get their life right, they just want to please God and they're manipulated being told that like, oh, if you don't do this, if you don't marry this person, you're not in God's will. I mean, it's pretty intense. Yeah. And wrong.

Absolutely. 100 percent wrong. If you don't know that it's God's will, if you don't have peace about it, do not walk down that aisle. The night before, um, I was getting married. I remember calling your friend being like, dude, I do not want to marry this guy. Like, I don't want to be married. I don't. And he's like, Amber, then don't.

And I was like, no, it's God's will and hung up on him. Yep. And I walked down that aisle. It was like an arranged marriage. Um, you know, and I tried, I tried my hardest to be a good wife. I managed the house. I was going to school full time. I was working full time. Um, you know, but then he started not wanting to engage with me sexually.

And, you know, like, dude, you're a. You're 13 years older than me. I'm in my prime, you know, and I love Jesus and we're going like, we have all this stuff going for us. Why? I was like, why does he not want to have sex with me? So before people are assaulting me now, this man doesn't want me sexually. And, um, it was, it was quite a struggle for a while.

And I remember. Um, going to a therapist and she said, Hey, if you go in front of him and while he's watching basketball, cause he would always just be sitting on the couch with his hand in his pants, watching, watching basketball, the Blazers and, um, or the Niners. And so she's like, go get yourself all pretty, take a shower, shave, put lotion, like whatever you gotta do to feel pretty, walk out naked or put some heels on, whatever, like feel like nobody could resist you.

And if he responds. Then come back and we'll talk about how we can save your marriage. If he doesn't respond, come back and we'll talk about an exit. Well, I did as she asked and I walked out in front of him and he got up and moved me out of the way and said, babe, I'm trying to watch the game. He put his hands in his pants.

I have never felt rejection at that level. Like that was, I didn't, I went, I fried in the bathtub, took everything off, ended up that next week and going to somebody's birthday party, having an affair. Um, and being like, Hey, I just want to say, like, call them up and tell them I've met somebody else and I'm not coming home.

Like, I'm just leaving. And this person was like, no, you got to go and like handle your business. So I go home and, um, and I just want to remind everyone who's listening. I have had zero positive. Um, interactions with anybody sexually. So the fact that I was stepping out and, and it struggled with that in both marriages and in all my life and all the things, there was no really way around it until I found healing to stop those kinds of behaviors.

So, um, so anyways, I come home, he greets me at the door. He lost his job on Friday. And he's, he's holding his Bible and I'm like, Oh my gosh, like I must've really screwed up. And he's like, Hey, I was just praying all weekend and you know, we're going to be okay. And I'm going to get my stuff together and I'm sorry.

I haven't been paying attention to that, but I had this dream. And in this dream, you, you called me and you said, I've met somebody else and I don't want to come home.

Jesus reading my, my mail and telling on me is what happened. And so I told him, you know, that that was true. And, um, you know, he went pretty crazy, had a knife and, you know, threatening to kill this person and everything. And we, we divorced. I sold everything that I owned, the condo we just bought, my car, um, and moved to Florida with two suitcases and a box of baked plants.

Because at that time, baked plants were expensive. And I was like, I'm not rebuying these. So, um, I moved to Orlando. And lived with some people that had been in the program that had had a relationship in the program and are still married to this day. Um, moved in with them [01:00:00] thinking that I could get some help from them and it just wasn't very helpful.

Um, you know, they didn't want to help feed me, but they wouldn't let me use a car to go get a job. And it was a really, just, there was no way to thrive. And so I moved in with this family, um, who I had met in Oregon when we were trying to build a shelter for trafficking survivors. And, um, they were volunteers for Transitions Global.

And just to go back, like while I was married, um, I had woken up one night and I just knew that I had to go Google sex trafficking in Oregon. I had never even heard the word. I didn't know what it was. So I get up 3am and I'm Googling and I find this organization that's starting a fundraiser. And so I email them.

He emails me back quickly and says, Hey, if you can show up with coffee for this event, like that's what we need. And that was his little test to be like, there's a lot of well meaning people, but nobody actually comes through and they don't want to do the hard work for little to no gain. So I get up, go find, go get a couple coffee shops to donate coffee.

And I show up Um, the next day and met Seth and Marlo Johnson, who have a beautiful family, and, um, we did a lot of work there. So in that process, I am interviewing, um, some sheriffs and things like that for, you know, to promote this event, which was a 27. 7 mile bike ride around Portland, Oregon. And as I'm telling the sheriff just a little bit about my life, he goes, well, you, you don't understand that you're who you're trying to help.

Do you? And I was like, what? He goes, You're who you are trying to help. I said, Oh, no, I'm not. I'm not a trafficking survivor. I wasn't kidnapped. I wasn't, you know, I still had all those, those ideas. And he, and he broke it down to me and was like, you've been trafficked. And that was the first time anybody ever identified the trauma.

Um, you know, I spent three and a half years in that rehab program and all they addressed for three and a half years was addiction to methamphetamines. Never, Hey, you were sexually abused. Hey, did this happen? Hey, that wasn't right. None of that, which they do all that now. They band aided the, they put band aids on the symptoms and then go to the root cause.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And three and a half years talking about nine months of meth. I'm not trying to be overly critical. I've been like super critical this whole time because what you're saying is like super It's hard for all of us. It's hard you went through it. Yeah, but as a man who does love God and loves people It's like you get angry and emotional when people abuse people this way.

Yeah Like I've had a lot of time to accept it And to process, I've had 20 years, 20 years this Thanksgiving from, from leaving. And so I sometimes forget that it's shocking to people. And when I would go to like youth groups or not youth groups, uh, Bible studies and stuff, and I'm just like talking freely about my trauma.

And I look over and people are like, and I was like, Oh, that's really traumatic. Isn't it? You know, but that's, that's all I've known for 30 years. And that's just it. That's what makes me want to strangle people is they're like, you know, a four year program. Anybody in their right mind should know there's no such thing as a four year program.

It's basically saying we want labor for free and we're probably a cult who are going to abuse these people. And we're manipulating you into staying. Yes. Yes. It's like if somebody needs help and it takes four months or if it takes four years or it takes 10 years, but they were just trying to get a slave camp.

And it's just frustrating that people There are good intention people who don't know what to do. So they put you in a place like that, right? But then at the same time, all the people outside, especially if it's government funded, it's like, come on guys, wake up. And just on my podcast, I can't tell you how many people we've gone through Oregon, Washington, California, with these literal abusive camps, like Sean Sullivan.

It's like, he's another one right out of that, that area in Seattle and, and Oregon. It's like, what is going on out there? Like, there's really, I watched a documentary and these girls were kids and they were sent to these camps for like, they were kidnapped in the, in the middle of the night and taken away to like scare, scare tactics.

But then when they got to the camps, the parents had to sign away their, like, essentially their rights to communicate or anything. And they would children. Yeah. And then, and then let them outside. For a day to, and they had to wear jumpsuits, but outside they got to put on clothes and they had to, we gave them bubbles and everything so they could take pictures for their marketing.

And some of the things that they did to those children were things that happened at this program for adults. And I was like, okay, it's not that, but it's still, that's crazy. You know, I was allowed to look out the window. I couldn't look out the window. I couldn't speak to men. Um, and, and, and if we went out into the public, like I couldn't just talk to a stranger.

So when I left that program after three and a half years and [01:05:00] I went to the grocery store, Parle, the old man that I was living with, he was like, take my car and go to the grocery store, Amber, by yourself. And I was like, And he's like, go by yourself. And so I went to the grocery store and I'm pushing a cart like, Oh my gosh, I'm around people.

Like I had no attachment to the world. I didn't know what to do. And I remember this. I ran into this old lady and her husband on accident and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And I keep going and they come around and my first interaction with somebody was, you know, Jesus, don't you? And I was like, yes, I do.

And she goes, I can see them in your eyes. And I was like, thank you. Like, so that was the first, like first person I talked to outside of that program in three and a half years. Amen. Well, I, I didn't mean to cut you off. It's just very, very to know so much. And they run the same playbook. Satan's not creative.

He's just, he runs the same plays over and over and over again. But like, he knows, he knows your weaknesses, you know? Yeah. But the evil people running these places that same things Hitler did. He'd literally run experiments and torture the Jews and he'd make them move dirt back and forth over and over again every day.

And he'd drive them insane. And then other people he'd give them where, okay, you're building a building doing the same amount of work. And he'd experiment with people like they were trash. And these people were doing the same thing, rub a tile for eight hours. It's like you should stab, forgive me, I shouldn't say that, but like it makes me want to stab him in the throat with that toothbrush.

Right. And again, that's probably not the love of, that's probably not the love of Jesus, but I'm talking being honest. So go ahead and finish. I'm sorry. I actually, I reconnected with the executive director, um, this year and, you know, his life is whatever it is now, but I said, Hey, You know, he doesn't work there anymore.

Um, he, he's retired. So he didn't actually know those things were going on because he was about like expansion. But I was like, you know, that, that was, that was like cultic and abusive. And I was trying to like, say the words and he was like, Amber, I know you are not crazy. And I was like, okay, thank you.

Like that interaction was all I needed. Like, I just really think that sometimes the amount of trauma that I've been through, that I've made it up. And so to be able to go back and people tell me like, Hey, you're not crazy. Or find something that I wrote when I was 18, still in one journal. I don't have a whole lot from growing up.

So those things are. Really helpful and encouraging to know. So if, you know, somebody, if you've been through stuff and you're like, I can't, this didn't really happen. I'm making this up. No, like that's your brain trying to justify and make it not real so that it doesn't have to deal with it. And that's what I was doing most of my life.

So. So go back to your story now, where you're at. Pick up where you're at today. Um, I So you went to the thing, you brought coffee, you met these people. Oh yeah, I met these people. So I ended up, they moved to Florida because we couldn't, we didn't raise enough. We raised a lot of money, we raised 16, 000, but they wanted 1 million.

And actually, just so you know, the sheriff, that's where you ended the story, where you're talking to the sheriff. Oh, okay. Yeah, so he told me, and that was the end of it. You know, that was the first time that somebody had identified me as a survivor, and I still didn't accept it. I didn't, I still struggle accepting it, but, um, but I'm more so now I understand that other people are experiencing that too.

So I moved to Florida, move in with these people, um, and their family, and then I get a job, but it's too far away. Like I don't, I still don't have a car, so I have to use the bus system. And so I'm, I'm, I find these people that are, You know, advertising for a roommate and I find out it's two guys. And I was like, Oh no, I can't do that.

And the one man said, well, the other guy is gay. And I was like, Oh, I guess that's kind of like living with, um, a girl and a guy. So I justified that thinking that, you know, that would be fine. And God has been with me, but I have not always, I have never been where I am now with my relationship with God.

It's always been like trying to seek him, but then I'm going to do it on my own. And I. So I move in with these two guys. Um, the gay man is not gay and he rapes me and they bring women into their house all the time on, you know, people who aren't, maybe they're 19, 20, but they give them alcohol. So girls would come in.

I'd be like, Hey, how old are you? She's like, I'm 21. And I'm like, let me see your ID. And I was like, you need to leave. Like, you need to leave. And I would try to get girls to. Get out. Um, and cause I had seen all those things happening. And then, um, he raped me and I moved out the next day, um, to a neighbor's house for a little bit.

Found, I was like, praying. I'm like, all right, God, like I have, I can probably afford 585 a month. Like that was so specific. 585 a month. I'm in [01:10:00] Florida and I start looking for places and I call a place and they're like, well, it's 700 a month. I was like, and she's like, wait a second. We have a promotion right now.

Um, we have a promotion for a one bedroom for 585 a month. And I was like, thank you Jesus. So I move in to this one little, little bedroom. Um, in the process I had met my now second ex um, at the neighbor's house. And he, I said, Hey, if you bring me Pots and pans, I'll make you dinner, which I had like raviolis.

Like I, I spent all my money getting lights turned on. So, um, ultimately I had determined that I would marry this man because, and unsubconsciously, like I just, I married, both of my relationships were for survival. Um, not for, because I genuinely loved a person. It was like, I'm going to be homeless if I don't do this and I can't ever be homeless again.

And so when he moved to St. Louis, because he was doing a house. share thing and house swap. I moved with him and did everything I thought he needed me to do. And again, I'm doing all of this because part of it's me, but a lot of it is survival. And he eventually proposes and we get married. Um, he joins the Navy.

He's, um, becomes a pilot. We go to flight school. Um, they say, don't get pregnant during flight school. And we got pregnant. Um, pregnancy was really difficult. I'm going to kind of breeze through some of this stuff so we can get to the, um, the good stuff, but. Um. So, you know, almost as my child, have my child.

I did a lot of that on my own. Um, he was just, you know, flight school was more important and couldn't be there and had my son really struggled with postpartum. Um, I really feel like that's where like a lot of my unhealed trauma started to really come up and just be out of control because I felt like I was living through postpartum by myself.

I was imagining smashing my kid, his head against the wall and I was You know, needed help. And when I would ask for help to just take a shower, I would get yelled at. Um, so I left one day, um, to go to a friend's house and just take a break. And, um, that relationship just continued to be a struggle. As my stuff started coming up, I was no longer in crisis.

I was, I was safe. Like I had a place to live and now I had to deal with some stuff. So he would go on deployments. I would feel abandoned and alone and grief would happen. And I actually was at a friend's house. Um, to celebrate his birthday, who is pretty much like a brother to me and he had some friends over and I was drinking pretty heavy.

I was pushing drinks on people except for this one guy who kept saying no. And, um, at the end of the night, my brother's like, Hey, um, can you drive Amber home? Don't press up on her. Her husband's an officer. You're enlisted. She's married. Don't do it. You know? And he's like, yeah, man, totally. Like I can get her home safe.

And then he could Uber. From my house. Um, that is not what happened. Um, I was again raped by a sober man when I was wasted. He stopped at a bar, got me more alcohol, and I was in a place where I like, Should not have been drinking more, but I wasn't, I couldn't make even those decisions. Like somebody hands you alcohol and you're wasted.

You're like, yeah, this is a great idea. You know, just really dumb. So I get home. I think I'm telling him the whole way, like, no, no. Like all these things are going on. Um, my husband's an officer. Oh, I'm on my period. My kids are at the house, which I had my friend's kids and my son. There was a babysitter and I'm like, so no, no, no, this can happen, whatever, thinking that that was enough.

And there was a part where I realized this is going to happen, whether I accept it or not. How do I protect myself? Um, and so like I got to the house thinking he would just leave, but he followed me into the house and my babysitter was like, got to go by and leaves. And I turn around, I'm just alone with this man.

And he's just like, I'm just new. I was like, okay. I froze. I dissociated at one point and, um, that was the last assault that I have experienced. And actually that's not even true. Um, but I, it happened. And then I called, about three days later, I called my ex husband and I was like, Hey, if somebody was raped, one of your friend's wives was raped during deployment, would you want to know on deployment?

Like, or would that distract you? And he was like, Amber, were you raped? I just called it out and I was like, I think so, but I don't know. Maybe I invited it. I don't really know what happened. [01:15:00] Um, but I think so. And a friend of mine had said, Amber, that was rape. You didn't consensually do that. And so that was the second time speaking it out to my husband.

So we get off the phone and I go out with some friends that night. And I just cannot hold it together anymore. I, you know, I'm laughing with them. I get home, I go to sleep, I wake up in the morning and I can't imagine not dropping a blow dryer in the bathtub. Um, and my son's two years old, sleeping in the crib.

Um, and it wasn't enough to, you know, think that I could fight this feeling. And so I called a friend. And, um, she's like, Hey, are you okay? Immediately started crying. So from that point, until I got myself to a hospital, um, about eight hours later, cause we had to, she called my family. We tried to figure out who was going to watch my son, who was going to move in, you know, get all the, and I'm crying through all of it.

I just can't stop crying, but I'm like organizing things. And they're like, Amber, do you want us to take you? And I was like, I got to do it myself. Somebody should have driven me. They should have been like, no, we're driving you. Um, but I drove to the Navy hospital. I get there and they say, Oh, well, you're just a dependent.

Um, and so there's too many active duty people that need beds here. So we have to keep them open for them. So we're going to send you home. You're going to be fine. And we'll call you in two days. My eyes are swollen shut. Like, I have so much, I have no reason to live. You couldn't give me a reason why I should stay.

That would, that would have made sense to me in that moment. And so, And did you tell them at that point that you were raped or just oppressed? What did you communicate to them? Oh, I, I did not tell them that I was raped because I, Once you speak that, it becomes an unrestricted report, um, versus a restricted, which means you can report it, but nothing's going to happen with it.

And I was like, I'm not, I'm, I didn't want to say what had happened by somebody in the Navy because it would have, it would have, um, started a whole chain of process with JAG and CIS and investigation. So I did end up later doing that when I was in my right mind. Um, so the nurse came in and said, Hey, squeaky wheel gets the cheese or squeaky wheel gets the grease.

And so I. He came in and told me to go home. I said, what happens when I go home? My husband's deployed. Like my husband's deployed and you're going to call me in two days. Who's going to be there for my kid when I'm dead in my bathtub? And they were like, okay, okay. Like, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. Like if we make this call, there's no turning back.

And I'm like, do I look like I want to turn back? I should not have to fight this hard for my life. In this state. And so they call somebody and they put me in a gurney. They all wrap me up and I'm like, I am obviously not trying to hurt myself. I'm trying to get somewhere, but they wrap me up in this little van and drive me to Washington DC because there were no beds in the Hampton Roads area in Virginia.

And, uh, which is wild that all the beds in the psych wards were full. Um, so I get to DC, I get into the psych ward and. People are banging their heads on the walls and screaming in the middle of the night. And I was like, this is just Amber back then. I was like, Oh, I fucked up. Like, I, this is not where I was supposed to go.

I didn't know this. And the next morning I woke up and this lady came to my room and she said, Hey, I've heard a little bit about your story and I don't think you belong down here. I think you need to come to our trauma unit. And I was like, yes, take me there. Get me out of this place. Um, and in that trauma unit, Um, there was a lot of young girls there for various different reasons, and they didn't think anything was wrong with me because I was just holding it together.

But I was like, no, I just don't trust any of these people to share what I'm going through, and I'm trying to keep my life together. But we had a lot of art therapy, and one of the days we had to draw Um, draw just like what we saw inside of ourself. And I just took black charcoal, kind of Blair Witch Project style.

And I drew myself and then I drew hands all over. And as I'm doing that, my, I just feel like my spirit continued to break. And I started screaming. I started hitting myself, like screaming, like in pain, just like. The grief was coming out and, um, started hitting myself until they had to kind of like hold me a little bit and bring me back and.

I remember coming to and hearing the girls being like, Oh, there it is. That's why she's here. She crazy like us. You can, you can hang with us now. Um, and so I went through that and, um, had some therapy, talked about things. But then after about 10 days, I was like, Hey, um, all better. I need to go home [01:20:00] and take care of my son, my husband.

I got to relieve my sister and her boyfriend who moved in for an, um, you know, they didn't know how long they were going to be taking care of my kid. So they agreed to let me go if I did like outpatient twice a week, um, with a trauma therapist, which was really good. So I leave, um, and I decide to go to church.

I have somebody watching my kid for a day, but I decide to go to church because I'm going to denounce God. Um, and this is where my story starts to get better. Um, so I, do you have any questions so far? No, I'm listening and I'm sure everybody's listening and you keep saying this is when my story gets more interesting and better We're like what?

It's already so intense. So keep going. Well, those are like a lot of the bad stuff, right? We have to get through that to to see why I'm still here and filled with so much joy So I go into this church and I'm gonna denounce him. I'm going to disrupt the service Um, I just picked a random church that I'd heard about And I walk in, I sit in the back row and I say, all right, God, you got 45 minutes, 45 minutes, or I'm, and I got my little attitude, like a kid throwing a tantrum and that service was on Ezekiel and the dry bones and how God brought a dead army to life and defeated the enemy.

And I'm sitting there and I'm like, my bones are dead. My bones are so dead. I have nothing to live for. I don't even know, my husband's on a second deployment. First one, but I, he's still gone. I got to go home and still be a parent. Um, I've got nothing. And I remember hearing just, it wasn't like a voice, but it was just, It was something that said, give me your nothing.

And I was like, maybe, maybe I'll do it tomorrow, but I'm gonna get out of here right now. I don't know if I can give you my nothing. So I leave, I get up to leave and this couple stops me. And, um, I later know that this is completely not her husband's personality. I know them pretty well. And, um, he's not very social and doesn't really go up and talk to strangers at all, but he stopped me and he said, Hey, you're new here.

Um, I'm like, yeah. And he's like, so you should come to my wife's Bible study tomorrow. And she's going, Oh my gosh, you can go to anybody's Bible study. It doesn't just have to be mine. She's a very sweet, humble lady. And, um, he's like, no, you have to come to my wife's Bible study. And he's really getting like adamant about it.

And she's just looking appalled at him. Like, who are you, what are you doing to this poor woman? I was like, Hey man, if I agree to come go to your wife's Bible study tomorrow, can I leave? Will you let me go? He was like, yeah, for sure. You know? So I get out. Um, I go sit in my car and decide, I'm going to turn on Caleb, you know, Just heard a wonderful message.

I'm going to try to see what happens when I put on the Christian radio station. So I turn it on and Lauren Daigle released a new song called Come Alive Dry Bones, and it was playing and I just. started sobbing in my car and went home, did the mom thing, got a babysitter for my kid the next day and went to the Bible study.

But I was, I walked in and all these women are just dressed super nice and they're like with their two and a half kids and their tea party dresses and you know, I was a hundred percent super judgmental. Um, and I said, I'm going to tell all these women what I've been through and they're going to judge me.

And that's my reason to denounce God. And so I interrupted a perfectly good Bible study having nothing to do with trauma and said, I have something to say. I don't remember a single thing that happened after that. I dissociated. I again cried in pain as all that stuff was, I don't even know if I told them anything that happened.

Um, but when I started coming back with dissociation, you, you kind of like check out. And for me, when it comes back, like I get my eyesight and then you get your hearing and then you, like, you get grounded. So I started seeing again and there was nobody at the table. And for a second, my heart was just like, hurt, like it'd been stabbed.

I was like, oh my gosh, they actually left. And then I started hearing sound behind me. And it started getting louder and I turned around and I looked and everybody was just extending their hands out, um, to me, laying hands on me, praying simultaneously. There was this little girl, little, I mean, she's 4'11 um, with long blonde hair, just like declaring things over me.

And I didn't know what that was, you know, um, but it was just this power of women that came together and said, we are not going to accept death in this place. Um, and they continued from that day forward. To hold my hand as I crawled out of Sheol. Um, and [01:25:00] Sheol is mentioned in the Bible as the place of the dead.

Um, so I believe that that's the place where the enemy holds those he thinks that he has, um, captured and God has a key for that. Like not, you can't even, God can reach you even there, you know, in the enemy's camp. And for me, when you say she'll, is that the same as some people pronounce it? She'll like, amen.

Amen. Is it? She'll she'll the same. I've just always pronounced it. Shale and David, David uses it a lot in, in his Psalms as the place of the dead. Yes. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Some it's pronounced different. I don't know. You know, I'm not, I am not correcting you. I don't even know for sure, but there's a place that's referenced in other passages called she'll, and that's, I'm pretty sure that's, it's probably that.

Okay. Try different pronunciations. Okay. I just want to make sure I'm understanding. Yeah. Yeah. Um, no, that's good though. I'll have to look it up because my professor will, you know, want me to correct it if it's wrong. So thank you. Yeah. And I promise I'm not trying to be a punk on correction. I just really want to know.

And the reason why that's important is there's a lot of cults that talk about Sheol, a lot of Jehovah Witnesses. And you've got to know biblically what it really is, so your story is lining up. That's fine. I just want to make sure in my head it's the same place. Got you, got you. No, that's really good. Um, so, I think, um, from that point, that's when God started to bring my dry bones to life.

Um, I started to get hope and, um, thinking that maybe my marriage could be saved. You know, we, uh, it was a hard hit for any man. Like, even though he, he did his things in our marriage. Like when I look back, I'm like, even a, a better man, I don't necessarily think could have been prepared to deal with the amount of secrets and junk that had to come out of my soul for the, for the Holy spirit to live there.

Um, I just had so much darkness. Inside of me and I call it the purge. So, you know, we everybody's like, oh, you come to the Lord and and everything's so beautiful and you know, joyful and I'm like, hey, I came to the Lord. All things are made new, but something had to die and I had to grieve my old self.

Through a long period of time, and that's the process of sanctification and purification and becoming new. You, you have to die to your old self. And that is not easy. It's not just an, it's not an easy walk to walk with the Lord, but it is the most rewarding walk I have ever walked in my entire life. Um, so, um, you know, back, back to home, after all this is happening, I start going to bible studies, start going to church.

I applied for a job at the YWCA and um, I just, I really wanted to advocate for other survivors, even though it had only been like a year since the last rape. And if you told, if I had told the YWCA that was the case, they would have been like, honey, no, you're not ready for this position. But I was determined and because I'd been knocking on doors for 13 years.

So I get in there and get the interview. They're like, Hey, uh, we have somebody for this. We're going to hire somebody internally for this reception full time position, but we don't want to lose you as a friend to the agency. So, um, you can pick any position. And for those who don't know the YWC, YWCA is a, um, an organization that helps domestic violence and sexual assault survivors.

They have shelters, they have programs, they have counseling and therapy, and they help with housing and resources. Um, and so I took the hotline job, so I was answering hotline calls, and that was an amazing time, um, to be able to be like, hey, I'm here. I'm here, I hear you, I believe you, I'm gonna do everything I can to get you a resource.

If our shelter's full, let me see if I can find you another one. And I was just connecting survivors that would call our hotline. Mostly domestic violence. to resources. About four months into that, or five months into that, I decided to apply for the shelter case manager position that requires a degree.

And once again, I did not have that. That's not the way my life went. Um, but I decided to apply and I got an interview. And now, a couple of things. One, I needed a degree. I also needed to work for the company for six months in order to be considered for a position. But I got an interview anyways. Um, and I did my interview.

And I was hired. I was hired for the shelter case manager position. And, um, I was, I was so elated and I went home and I told my, my now ex husband or my husband at the time that I got the full time job as a case manager. And his response was. I fully expect for you to maintain your household duties. Not even like, congratulations, your dreams are coming true.

I [01:30:00] know you've worked so hard to get here. Um, it was like, you're still gonna do all the laundry and feed us and meal prep and take care of Orion and do the laundry and, you know. Clean the house, like maintain your household duties. That was the type of relationship I was in. So, um, I, I go to work at the shelter.

Um, or I, I, I'm still on the hotline and I get called in to like bring all your documents of proof kind of thing for the job. And she's like, I heard that you don't have a degree. And so unfortunately we are going to have to rescind our offer. And I was no. And she was like, Amber, I'm really sorry. Like.

There's nothing I can do about it. You have to have a degree for this position. And I said, I have more experience than anybody coming out of college, which wisdom from college is good, but wisdom from living through something is even better. And I have more knowledge experience. You can't, you can't. And you know, I have more knowledge than anyone.

Give me an opportunity to advocate for myself. And she said, okay, can you write the best damn letter you've ever written in 24, 24 hours? And I said, yes, ma'am, I can. I took five minutes, called my mentor, and then went back to work where my boss greeted me and was like, girl, you should go home. I can't believe they did that to you.

This is BS. Da da da da da da da. And I said, you know what? I have work to do. There are people who are waiting for me to answer this phone and this, I've had so many doors slammed in my face. This is cracked open. I'm fine. I'm fine. And she was like, that is, I think that went a long way for what happened next.

Um, but I went to work. I wrote this letter. I showed them, you know, that I had like 8, 500 hours working with, with, I use the mission as a time working with people in addiction and all that kind of stuff. So, they called me the next day after reading the letter and the board meeting, and she said, Amber, everybody's jaws dropped open and we're going to offer you the position, but you're not the exception.

And I was like, okay. She said, we're going to change the job description to say, or equivalent experience. And I was like, wait a minute. So you mean I made real change. Like, I'm, I'm changing, paving the way for other survivors to be able to work in this space as well. And she was like, yes, I, that is what you're doing.

I was like, oh, and I was like, okay, cool. Right. I'm so excited. She was also, um, we're not going to offer you 45, 000 a year and nonprofits, you know, it's not a lot of money, but she's like, we're not going to offer, offer you that. Um, I was like, what do you mean? She goes, we're going to offer you 34. Because you don't have a degree.

And I was like, wait a second. I don't accept that. And she's like, what do you mean, Amber? And I said, I just proved to you, I had more experience than someone with a degree. And now I'm worth 10, 000 less. I do not accept that. And she goes, what do you want me to do? I said, I want what you offered me. She's like, I mean, I can, I can go and, and ask.

And so she leaves, she gets off the phone. She goes into the president's office. She tells me this later. And she said, um, Amber does not accept the offer. And she goes, what, give the girl what she wants. What does she want? She goes, they want, she wants the 45. Um, give her what she wants. Just that's what she advocate for herself like this, like give the girl what she wants.

So that was such an empowering moment for me, like a really. Good thing to be like, Oh, I can use my voice for myself and others. Um, and so that was a really big moment. So I worked there for, um, almost two years. Um, I loved going into the city. I was not friends with all the other, uh, agencies. Like I was very nice and polite and Could work well with others, but when I would walk in, I could watch people's attitudes just shift and like slink down into their chair because they're like, Amber's gonna take all the housing.

Because I would go in there and I knew that I had to be the voice of the voiceless. And I just, I'm like, I know your people deserve it too, but if I'm better at the game, then I'm gonna win. So, um, I really enjoyed advocating for clients and getting them housing and making that kind of a difference. But however.

That was short lived because I went to, I was driving home from church one day. It was sunny outside. My ex husband and I are talking about buying a house. We've gotten past some things. I haven't given any kind of full disclosure about the activities that happened after I had been assaulted. I really, um, struggled with, uh, being faithful in my relationship because of how he responded and just my trauma.

Like if you don't have any like moral compass, Um, to stand on or like to really believe on and to lean on, like you'll do anything. And I [01:35:00] really think that I just, I was out there surviving even when I was married. Um, and sex was always, you know, it was taken from me and that was also distorted. And so I would use sex, um, for a lot of different things in life.

And that started coming up again after, You know, how the whole handle was, was, was how the whole situation was handled. Um, so I'm driving home one day, I'm praising God, it's sunny outside in Virginia. Um, my music is playing, my praise music is playing, and I'm just driving in my car singing. And then all of a sudden, everything went quiet.

And I heard a voice inside my body, outside my body. It wasn't male. It wasn't female. It filled everything. And it said, will you give it up and follow me? I was just praising God saying, thank you for giving me the desire of my heart. Thank you for restoring my family. Thank you. And I was just authentically praising him for how things were going.

And he said, will you give it up and follow me? When I look back at that, I'm like, who am I that I would hear the voice of God audibly? And I'd heard my whole life about people saying that they were called. And there's a, there's a way where you're like, you feel you're called. And now I understand there's a thing where God says you.

And, um, and so that happened. And I said, yes, because I was like my entire life. I've tried to live it by myself. I've tried to, you know, take control of everything and it's failed time and time again. And, um, so I said, yes. Went to work the next day. And told my boss and I was like, Hey girl. Um, so I was like driving home yesterday and God said, will you give it up and follow me?

And she was like, Oh, you gots to go. And I was like, yeah. So we made a plan. I just like literally shut down my position. I took a month to close out my cases. And, um, went and worked at, you know, took a job at Regent University working in financial advisory. Terrible. I didn't last long. Um, cause I was managing like 18, 20 caseloads to having my seconds micromanaged answering phones.

So just wasn't a good fit, but I left there. And didn't know where I was going to be going. Working at Regent, we bought a house three days after buying a house. Um, actually I'd say about three days before buying a house. That weekend, we've gone to a party and I had confided in somebody in the military.

Um, another spouse just being like, Hey, I'm really struggling. Like I need some help. Um, I, I, you know, I slept with somebody. Um, I was assaulted, but I also did this now, like these things are starting to happen and, um, I need some help. And she decided instead of saying, Amber, you need to tell your husband or I will, or even going directly to my husband.

She decided to tell the entire command. So everybody knew my husband's shame, right? I, I walked into that, that dinner party looking all fancy and walked up to the woman. I'm like, Hey guys. And they just turned their back on me, mean girl style. And, um, refused to talk to me in some, and I hadn't drank in a year.

I was going to rehab. I was trying to do like all these things to, you know, repair my relationship and rebuild trust. Um, And this guy walked up and like handed me a drink and was like, Hey, you're going to need this. And I looked in his eyes and I just knew shit's about to go down. And I just. Drink it. And my husband at that point, at the end of the dinner party, took me outside.

He's like, I want to go out and drink with everybody, but apparently you're an alcoholic, you're drinking again. And, um, and I was like, no, I just, you know what, that was a really tough situation. And I would rather go home if you want to hang out with your friends at fine. And he starts knife handing me in front of everybody, um, which is a, is a disrespect in the military.

Like if you're talking to somebody, this, it means they're, they're beneath you. And, uh, So he did that in front of everybody. I went home to my sister's house and his mom was at our other house. And the next morning we got up, we went and signed for the house. It was, you know, we moving in, it's too late to stop it.

Um, I was nauseous while I was signing my name on the house, but we moved in and about three days after we moved in, when I got everything unboxed, because that's what mill spouses superpowers are. Um, I came home and he said, I think you, uh, I don't know how this is going to work. Um, you know, we can see when we get to the next command, maybe it'll be quieter.

Because he told me [01:40:00] everybody had taken him out and told him and told him what was going on. And I understand, like, he, I heard him, you know, um, and so he said, I, I said, I don't want to wait until the next command. Like, you want me to just hang on for a year while you decide if you want to stay married to me or not?

And he, I was like, I'm going to need you to make a decision. He said, I need you to find another place to live. Um, to which I fell to the ground and screamed from my soul. I will never trust another man again. Like that just, it's a curse that just came out of my soul. Um, and God's had to, you know, he's, we're, we're breaking that curse.

Um, power of life and death is in the tongue, but that's how that happened. And, um, at that point, You know, I didn't know where to go or anything, but I was, I stayed in the house until we could figure out what we're going to do. And I cried and I cried. And on the third day I rose again. And I sat up in my bed.

I said, you know what? I'm not going to be surprised when God shows up in my mess that I created. In fact, God, I expect you to show up where you at. And The doorbell rang and I'm like I'm getting ready to go to a lawyer's office. So I go downstairs and it's the ADT lady and she, um, I need to get something to drink.

Sorry. This is a lot of talking. No problem. And I know we're, we're bringing it to a close, so just keep going on and we'll tie it all together. Okay. There's, there's more. So, um, so the ADT lady shows up and She's like, Hey, you know, I've been talking with your husband and this woman says husband so many times, like just to, I felt like it was just to get underneath my skin.

And I'm like, I don't know where he is. Like, I don't know if we even need a security system or anything like that. And she says, husband one more time. And I was like, look, lady, I don't know. I don't effing know where my husband is. And I don't effing care because he just asked me for a divorce three days after buying a house.

And she goes, honey, do you know Jesus? And I was like, yes, yes I do. And she's like, can I pray for you? And I was like, okay. So she prays for me, offers me her number and says, like, I'll go through a Bible study with you. Like you don't have to go through this alone. It was so sweet. I never reached out to her.

You know, if you're listening, girl, thank you. So I finished getting ready and I go to my coffee shop to grab a drink before I get to the lawyer's office and I walk in and the lady's like, Hey, Amber. And I'm like, Hey, like, you can't tell nothing's wrong with me. And she's like, you know what? Coffee's on us today.

And I was like, Oh, thank you so much. And she hands me, she hands me a drink. And on the cup, it says, You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength. And I started crying, just crying again. And she's like, Amber, can I pray for you? And I was like, please. So she prays for me. Now I'm driving to the law office and I'm thinking in my mind, God, how am I supposed to lead a Bible study on battlefield of the mind when my world is falling apart?

And I just, I don't even know what to do. And, um, so that's kind of like what I've been praying, praying in the car. Like, how am I going to do this? I get into the attorney's office, beautiful open space, marble floor and stairs and everything. And this lady comes down the stairs and she says, Oh, are you a court reporter?

I said, no, I'm just here for a divorce. And she's like, Oh, you look so pretty. I thought I missed an appointment. And I was like, nope, just looking good for a divorce. Trying to make light of the situation. Nobody's happy to be there. And she turns to walk away and then turns back around and goes, Do you know Jesus?

And at this point I, I had to laugh because I was like, Yes, ma'am. I do. You know, he's coming through today for sure. So she comes over and she starts telling me all about her life and the struggle she's having right now. And her boyfriend won't go for heart appointment. Will you pray for him before you go to bed?

Now, mind you, I had started, um, praying in a way that when people said that to me, I would say, can I pray for you right now? Cause that's obviously what people need is to be prayed for. Um, and most of the time, I'm not going to remember at nighttime to pray for a stranger. So, um, I was like, Holy Spirit, you gotta help me.

And I squeaked out, can I, can I pray for you right now? And she was like, Oh my gosh, would you? And so grab her hand and I'm like, Holy Spirit, you better do this cause you know I got nothing. And so we're praying. The [01:45:00] Holy Spirit did his thing. I don't remember what I prayed for her. And she falls to the ground on her knees and is crying.

In the middle of this law office with other people around and we're praying and it was so powerful and then when we're done, she stands up and it's just like, bye Karen, I'm, you know, leaving for lunch and she turns and walks away and the Holy Spirit whispered to me, not by your strength, not by your strength.

Remember, you can't do any of this by your own strength, right? Like Jesus showed up that day when I, you know, he can handle us being like, Hey, um, you said that you gave me the Holy Spirit to surpass all understanding and I need it right now and demand what is yours. I mean, we don't have to demand it, but even if you do, cause you're angry, he can handle that.

And, um, he's true to his word. So he definitely, um, showed up that day for me. So how are we doing on time? Oh, no, we're good. Keep going. I don't ever want to stretch things out. I don't want to rush you. So if you're good, this is your story. You tell it. I just want to be respectful to your time because I know.

Oh, so I'm good. So keep going now. I'm good until about 1 1 30. I don't know what time it is in your time. It's 12 21. We got time. Okay. Okay. Okay. Um, so, um, So yeah, so that happened. Um, let me get my grounding here. Um, so I, you know, God showed up that day. I want to tell another little bit of a story of how he showed up too, because when all of this was going down and my ex husband came home from second deployment was like, I'm gonna take our son to go visit the family in Illinois and you stay here.

You know, because everybody's going to know something's off. So I stayed and I had been delivered from anxiety and depression. I've been diagnosed with everything in the Mental health guidance book, um, that you can imagine. DID, anxiety, chronic, PTSD, all that kind of stuff. Um, bipolar and I am not on any medication, which is wild.

Um, but I'm laying in my room and I started feeling really anxious and I was like, oh no, I can't feel anxiety because I've lived a whole life under that, you know, anxiety and depression and all this stuff. And I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna, I got nervous. I'm going to Google how to pray in the spirit.

Was praying in the spirit. And so what Google said was it's praying, allowing the spirit to bring to the surface what needs to be prayed for instead of praying for your own wants and desires. So I was like, okay. So I'm sitting there in my room, the lights are on and I'm, a song came to my mind that my mother used to sing to me when I was little.

So I sang it. I thought of a friend who was struggling with addiction and tried to commit suicide. So I prayed for her. And then I just got angry. And I said, you, your word says that you would give me the Holy Spirit. To give me peace that surpasses all understanding and I need it right now and I remember yelling it in my room and immediately I was in a complete all black space so lights were on and now I'm in I'm somewhere else um and I see this lion Almost immediately starting to like walk towards me.

The wind is blowing his mane, but it's so gentle. His paws are massive. Um, and he's walking towards me and I'm just mesmerized and just staring at him. And then he comes above me and I see him from my perspective and then immediately it like transferred and I saw myself from his perspective and I was a lamb.

And then I went, and I was back in my room. The lights were still on. And there was just peace and I knew I was like, I might lose my marriage. I might lose everything that I've built, but I'm going to be okay. The peace of the Holy Spirit was with me. So that's just, you know, different ways that God has shown up in, in this process of going through the mess.

Um, so get divorced. Everybody's favorite topic, 2020 happens, um, three months into our separation. So I'm living, um, in an apartment or like a condo. And my son is staying at his father's house for six to eight weeks because everybody's terrified. You know, he doesn't have to go into work really. So, and I did, I worked with people with disabilities at that time.

Um, and. So I couldn't be around it. So my son stayed there. So all of a sudden I'm divorced. I don't have my son for eight weeks. Um, and I knew my ex husband wanted to potentially prove that I was an unfit mother or something. And, um, and so I had no, so then I was offered a position. So all that's going on, I'm kind of surviving on Tinder, um, which for everybody to [01:50:00] know, is basically like a hookup site.

Like they call it a dating app, but it's just really, it's just a hookup site. And, um, I'm trying to find love. I'm trying to find connection. I'm super abandoned. This is the habit of my life to engage in these types of relationships. And, um, I get a job offer to work for Survivor Ventures as the program director, helping survivors of trafficking.

Um, find employment and gainful employment. And we work with the people who hire them and then help them start their own businesses. Um, we also had a shelter and stuff like that. And I would, you know, I thought I would be doing about 80 percent administrative, 20 percent direct care. And that's what I was willing to do.

I did not know that I was going to have to go and pick up survivors whose mothers, mothers, you know, screaming at her saying, Your trafficking situation when you were 12 was your fault. I told you to not mess with that 40 year old man. And I'm like sitting in this car hearing all of this. And it was so traumatizing.

Now I'm divorced 2020. Nobody can be around each other. We can't go to church. Um, I didn't have a connection with, with a community. And now I'm, you know, I'm just like listening to these stories every day and seeing survivors who are still in the life. And where are you geographically? Virginia. Okay. Cause the COVID, yeah, the COVID like in Pensacola, thank God.

We're under a great governor, Ron DeSantis. And it's like, no, you can do whatever you want. Don't listen to the liar Fauci. Everybody, everybody thought Florida was crazy if we weren't in Florida. Yeah, but Florida was the only one that had it right, right? So not the only one, but it was the leader. So anyways, but go on.

Yeah. I just want to know where you were to know how severe the lockdown was. It was like, we had to have, um, cards on our person when we were working, when we were a, um, What was the term that was used? So if you had to go out and work, like you were a mandatory worker, and we had this little card that said, I'm employed by this employer, I have to go and support people with disabilities.

I need to be out. So it was kind of like, there's no reason for you to be. It was getting real scary about like, people talking about police coming out. And like, if you get pulled over, you need to have this card to prove that you're, You're supposed to be out. And the vaccine identification card BS and total.

And I didn't, I didn't get that, but nobody cares. Um, yeah, no, but I'm saying it was just getting ridiculous. Yeah, it was getting pretty scary. So yeah, um, I was doing that, but then it really started to take over and that's where I really want to actually take some time to talk about. Yes, I, I experienced some domestic violence in my life.

Yes, I experienced, um, trafficking and rape and. spiritual abuse and all of these things. Like what I have become free of is the slavery to sexual immorality. I got to a point where I could not say no. I had to be have somebody else lined up. Um, and I, and I know there are other people out there that are struggling with this and it breaks my heart because I, I searched.

So I'm, I'm engaging in these types of behaviors. and relationships and some of them got very aggressive. You, you don't know who you're meeting. Um, so sometimes, you know, I was being assaulted in my own home and just continuing this behavior. So, and anybody else would have looked at me and be like, Amber, we'll stop.

But I couldn't, I really did not have control over it. And I got to a place where I started saying, Hey, I have a problem and I need help. But when I got to that problem, I had already been fired from my job, um, as a program director because it was so bad. I couldn't maintain my life. You know, I, it really was an addiction.

And when I tried to reach out for help, I would reach out to Like just my normal friends and they're like, girl, just be safe. I'm like, Hey, I can't do that. I don't have the capacity in those moments to be like, absolutely not. I need to, you know, wear protection or I need to do these things. And they were like, well, we just don't know what to tell you.

Then I'm like, that's fair. So then I called an addiction hotline and they said, women can't have sexual addictions. And I was like, I'm pretty sure I'm going to lose my job and like my family. Um, What do you mean? And they're like, sorry, they declined my application for services. And, uh, so then I went to the church, not to the pastors, because I couldn't tell them that I was, you know, struggling with this and a believer.

Um, and so I just went to some people that I thought were Christians, and most of them said, Girl, God understands [01:55:00] you have needs, just be safe. Go have sex with who you want to. God understands. And I remember thinking, pretty sure that that's inaccurate. I'm pretty sure he speaks on this very clearly, but I'm not going to go look it up because I don't know that I have the strength to carry out what I read.

So right now I'm not responsible for that information. And so, um,

so I continued for a little while and then I ended up buying a This is a Passion Translation Bible, this one, and I just liked how it read. So I bought it. It was 20 bucks online and I opened it for a month, a month to a month and a half. I couldn't open this Bible without reading about sexual immorality and it was just every single time.

I'm like, are you kidding me? You know, um, he's pretty serious about it and it's not because he doesn't want you to have fun. It's because it has major consequences. To our spirits, to our souls, to our communities. Um, and he wants, you know, he really wants to protect us from what we're currently living in.

We're with children being molested, children being trafficked with. You know, assaults and boys being, um, trafficked as well. Like it's just, it's absolutely insane. So I started reading about this and I got to a place where I want to offer this helpful little thing that I learned. I wish I'd learned way longer in my recovery.

Um, that will help someone. So it's called the five stages of change. And so the five stages of change is the first one is pre contemplation, which that's where you have no intention of change. Like you don't even think you have a problem, right? You're just doing your thing. Contemplation is you are aware that you have a problem and you're considering making the steps to make change.

Preparation is where you're starting to prepare and, um, for less than six months. So up to six months, you've been implementing these changes. Then there's action and that's six months or longer that you've maintained that change in your life. And then there's maintenance where you're just like maintaining that lifestyle.

In any kind of change that somebody has, you can move through different stages. Um, and I, I just want to share that with somebody because if you don't think you have a problem and then all of a sudden you do, like there's a process to change. Um, and I, when I started reading these scriptures, about sexual immorality.

There was one that came to me that changed, that kind of made me be like, Hey, it's time to get this together. And I can't remember where it's found, but it says you'll find it's in Proverbs. You'll find the home of the promiscuous woman on the road paved to hell. And I had in that moment when I read that one, it kind of like the Holy Spirit downloaded, um, revelation.

So it wasn't like I didn't see it, but it was just a revelation, understanding that I was getting off on the last exit before the toll. But, but, and the Bible talks about death and disease. And, you know, we read about different people in the Bible who, Hosea, Mary, God told him, go take a harlot for a wife and she keeps leaving and going back to her lovers and, you know, all this kind of stuff.

And, you know, She ends up going, leaving him, finally going to her lovers, getting diseases, losing her beauty and all her lovers and dying homeless and poor. Um, because we can squander our wealth all throughout the Bible. It's like, don't squander your wealth on women and buy yourself disgrace. Right. And, and men fall into this too now.

It's not just women, but, um, I realized at that point, I'm like, I really got to get my life together. Like God has kept me for, for whatever reason he has had his hand on me of protection through all of this, um, sexual encounters, you know? Um, and so I, I'm, I'm really grateful for that. Um, and so there was a day that just kept happening, kept happening.

And I was like, I'm not going to do this anymore because every time I would. Go out and have sex. Then I would spiral into depression for three days until I did it again. And it was just like constantly. Um, and so one day I got my hair done and that was usually one of my triggers. My hair is done. I got to go out and get attention.

And I came home and I took off my makeup, put on sweatpants and I grabbed this Bible and I turned on the TV and at nine o'clock I sat and I was like, I am not going out. I am not going out. Talk about what denying our flesh is like when we say crucify your flesh or deny your flesh to, you know, to become holy, um, is painful.

That was [02:00:00] so, to go against everything my whole life had told me, this is what you do to feel better. This is what you do to mask your pain. Um, and to sit there. And I remember just rocking in my chair, watching the time on the, on the stove, not even paying attention to if the TV was on. I. I was just trying to not get up from that seat.

And, um, at 1 50, a voice came to me and said, you could still go out 10 minutes before two o'clock. I thought I was getting safe and it was almost time to go to bed. You could still go out. And my other brain was like, yeah, you could, you know? And I was like, no. And I just, I cried because I just, I was like, I can't get up.

Like, I can't live this way anymore. And about 2 30, I just felt released. And I went to bed and I started doing that more and more. Um, it just, every time I would have an opportunity to go out, I was like, I don't want to go through that again. I'm so sick of my stuff. Um, and then I also incorporated dancing with flags that kind of just came to me.

Like, I don't really know how I ended up getting interested in them. Um, But one of the things that I use to fight against my flesh, to fight against my sexual urges, um, was to praise God sacrificially. The Bible talks about we bring a sacrifice of praise. And I think that a sacrifice of praise is when your life does not look like God is good, but he still is, and you praise him anyways.

Um, I think that a lot comes from that. And so I started out dancing with flags. First time I was drunk, and I was dancing to I'm a Survivor in my backyard until 6am and I was sober. And, uh, you know, that's just the realness of it. The next time, I picked it up because I was driving and this song came on called Why Not Me by Tasha Cobbs.

Um, and it was so beautiful and it made my spirit leap. And I was like, I'm going to go dance to this song in my backyard. And so I danced to it. And I, I, every single time I picked up flags for a really good, for a short season, I had no idea. That my worship was breaking off chains, like I was being obedient to serving God.

I was like, okay, I'm such a mess. I love the Lord and I struggle with sexual addiction and I'm struggling, you know, doing these things, but I'm going to, I'm, I'm staying the course and I'm following Jesus. And he began to purify me. There's, there's a scripture I want to read, um, for anyone who Is thinking, you know, Christians, you know, always want you to be perfect.

And just forget what Christians say about anything. If you need to know that when you come to the Lord, you come as you are, but don't expect to stay the same. If you're staying the same, you're not following Jesus. Um, and the Holy spirit, who, which I'm learning now in school was actually a part of creation because when God said, let us make man in our image, not in Physicality, but in moral likeness, the Holy Spirit, which is Ruach is the breath of God and the breath of God is what created life.

So the Holy Spirit is the creator, the spirit of God who lives in us. And we have that power of creation inside of us. So when you become a Christian, you acknowledge that Jesus Christ died for your sins, came down from heaven off of his throne to be the redemption for our sins. And part of you has to die to bring new life.

This is what the Holy Spirit does. I found this scripture, and I cannot explain it. Explain what he's done to me any better than this. Rivers of pain and persecution will never extinguish this flame. Endless floods will be unable to quench this raging fire that burns within you. Everything will be consumed as you yield everything to this furious fire until it won't even seem like a sacrifice anymore.

It's so hard to leave things behind when you're going to follow Jesus. Like, what is the thing that is preventing you from fully knowing God? Who wants to have an intimate relationship with you, there's something that you are going to have to give up. It is a free gift to believe in Jesus. The demons also believe in Jesus, to follow him and to have everything that is yours as sons and daughters.

Does require some sacrifice. It does require that we give up things. I had to give up my addiction to sex and to finding comfort in those things and to find comfort in Jesus and in the Holy Spirit. And I tell you, the more I did it, and as I yielded all of my old self to this furious fire of the Holy Spirit, It doesn't even seem like a sacrifice.

I am not missing out on a dang thing out in this world. And [02:05:00] I feel like when I walk out in the world, that I'm walking with confidence because I know who I belong to. I'm like, I wonder if these people know that I walk around with a crown on my head. Because my father is God and he's the King of Kings and that's my daddy.

And, um, that's probably, I mean, there, there's more things, you know, that I've learned in this walk with him. Um, and the last, I guess the last thing I want to share before, you know, if you have any other questions for clarification or anything, um, is that my, my name is Amber Love, but I was born in Amber Casto.

I was adopted Amber Jones, um, married to Grubbs. Divorced back to Jones, married to Davies. And in that process, I was like, wow, I, in every relationship and name that I have taken, I have become who they needed me to be to receive their love. And so I didn't want to take anybody's name. I was like, am I just going to have like, maybe I'll just pick a new name.

And my therapist had said, Amber, you know, there's a, uh, a in Revelations 2. And it's talking about, um, in Revelations, Who is it? John, the White Stone is the new name. John, yeah. Yeah, so I think it's John who's writing it. John the Baptist, who's writing it? Remember? I believe so. Yes. I'm sorry. Yeah. So he's writing, he's writing to the churches and he's like, Hey, you guys are encouraging people to eat, eating food, sacrifice to idols and encouraging people to be sexually immoral.

And. So I have that against you, but those who are victorious, I will let eat the hidden manna and I will give them a shiny white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it. And so my therapist is telling me this and I was like, I want a new name. Like I am new. I'm being transformed.

I'm still being transformed y'all. Um, and he was like, well, you have to wait until you get to heaven. And I was like, why, why do I have to wait? I want one now while I'm here. And, um, One day my mentor called and she's like, I just met this lady and her last name was love. And I just thought, Oh, I wish Amber could have a name like that.

And I was going to take my mentor's name. Like, I just didn't know what to do. And so I loved that so much when she said the name love, I was like, my whole life is about seeking love is about becoming, having transactional relationships and all of these things. And God is the one who has never left me, never failed me and has picked me up, has called my dry bones to life.

And giving me new meaning and new power and new joy and I feel restored and the freedom that I have received from God is not something that I ever even thought was possible. I knew I wanted to just be like healed, but I didn't know freedom was, I can't explain it to you if you don't know it, freedom in Christ.

But it's something, it's something worth pursuing. Um, I'm not bound by any of those things anymore. So I decided that God is love and I'm going to take my daddy's name. So if you see my name around here, like there's Amber Love. She belongs to God, just for anybody who's questioning. And, um, my goal now is honestly just to help other people come out of that deception, um, of being enslaved to sexual immorality or just believing that it's okay.

To just sleep with anybody. I really do think that rape is an attack on a person's soul. Um, that's why, you know, your bodies can heal, but it stays with you for so long. God can heal that though. I don't carry sexual assault with me anymore in my body. I don't. Um, and so those things are possible for people.

And when you lay with somebody, it is spiritual because we are souls and we're connecting. And that's why so many people are so hurt when they just give themselves and they just start collecting bodies. That's what everybody calls it, right? Just collecting bodies and having. Not seeing yourself as something worthy or holy.

Um, and that's, and that's what I want to, I want to help people come out of that and just find freedom from whatever they're struggling. Well, thank you for sharing your story today, Amber. Um, before you go though, I definitely want to wrap this up because what you're talking about, you clearly have a great attitude about the forgiveness for your family.

There, you said, you know, you're free from the rape and the trauma and the shows about not just discussing what you're able to overcome or achieve, but we break it down to practical steps of how you did it also so our listeners can too. So, number one step of being free from sexual immorality. is trusting Christ, not just believing like you said, even the [02:10:00] demons believe in God, but they don't trust Him.

So the first thing is the Bible says, for whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved. And anyone can trust Christ and be saved. No one has done anything or said anything that's gone too far. God loves you and wants you to trust Him. But then there's a practical reality. Like you said, you were sitting there at night in pain, struggling, like, I want to go.

No, I don't want to go. And you started crying from the inner torment. And it, I know in James and Peter, it talks about how resist the devil and he shall flee from you. Submit yourself unto God. Is the first part. Resist the devil and he shall flee from you. What were you going to say right there? I was going to say, it's so easy for Christians.

Like when we finally understand it and we went through the process to understand what this means, how to tell somebody, submit yourself to God. You can't submit yourself to somebody you don't know. You don't know the character of, you don't know. Um, when you let go of your trauma and your identity and those things, You, you've opened, you've let go.

Now something has to fill it. You have to have an identity. So I would say, get in your word, learn what God says about you, learn who God, how God sees you. And if you don't know, and if you can't understand, ask him. Say, Lord, give me wisdom. Lord, help me understand how you see me. He wants to do that with you.

There's no question that you could ask God that he does not want as a father to love on you and help you get and understand and come closer. That's why he sent his son. That's why he sent himself in flesh to suffer so that we could have that. So I just wanted to say that about when you say, you know, get to know God, I think sometimes we got to break it down for people who haven't been walking.

With him and don't have the lingo to be like, Hey, this is what that means. Get to know who he is, find out who he is in scripture and what he says about you so that you understand your identity in him, not in what the world has told you, what your family has told you, what your friends have told you, what your work has told you, the only person that matters is the one that created you.

Amen. Amen. So, and where I was going with that is this. We need Christ. We need that freedom through Him. We need that fulfillment. But there's a practical, hands on part of going to the cross each day and not picking back up our sins and choosing the flesh. So, what are some of the practical things you did each day?

To not only stop the sexual immorality, but for going back to it time after time. Um, I think that you have to realize that. When I finally stopped, it had been years of trying, years of failing, falling on my face, trying to do it myself, all this kind of stuff. And that is a process to get to a place where you can surrender to God and ask for his strength to help you get through something.

So, um, this was a long, this was 20, 20 years of trying, um, or no, like 15, but, um, some of the practical steps was I committed to myself. That I would not go to those places. I redefined those places as the devil's playground. I belong to the Lord. If I said, if I wouldn't take Jesus there on a date, I shouldn't go.

I didn't, I didn't go to some concerts that I love because I was like, I don't think Jesus would enjoy it. And I had to be that kind of extreme, you know, it had to be black and white for a while. So I had that mindset. I didn't go to places I used to go. I didn't talk to people I used to talk to. I blocked people and I said, I don't care if that hurts their feelings or not.

Like, if they're not going to encourage me in a direction of holiness, cut them off. Um, and then let's see, I got distracted by that one. Not going places. Would I take Jesus there? Cutting people off. Surrounding yourself with like minded people. Finding them. Because you, if you go into a room, you're going to, you know, the least person in there is who you're going to, you know, you're going to be, I think that's the phrase.

But anyways, I would put myself around people that were farther along in their journey than me. Um, I did isolate a little bit, um, because I didn't know how to have fun differently. Um, so I got in my word. So that's the number one thing is if you don't read your Bible, like the bread of life, This is the food that will help you live in this world until we get to go home to glory.

Um, I changed what kind of music I listened to. Um, I used to listen to like Cardi B and all this music that really influenced and is [02:15:00] created to encourage that type of behavior. And I had to quit. Um, I ended up at one point taking a job. I started a cleaning business for two years. Um, and just worked for myself and I listened to sermons every day.

Not everybody has that opportunity, but you know, if you can find a way to renew your mind in that way, that was really helpful. I listened to sermons and gospel music. Um, so I just, I really changed the things that I had control over. Yeah. And I think that's great. You know, that you, when our generation, I'm, I'm in my forties, I think you're in your thirties.

And there was always a saying when I was a kid, you are what you eat. But the fact is, we're not just what we physically eat, we're what we spiritually, mentally eat. Yeah, what we watch and these kids today and adults, we all watch filthy things and think it's going to be okay. It's like saying, I'm going to drink poison and it's going to be okay.

And, um, there's some people who are born, you know, no home is a hundred percent accurate, but there's some people who grew up in great homes and they have no excuse, but they Play with sin and they get hooked and they end up getting involved in sexual morality and it derails them to the place of unrecognizable.

Like how did someone with every pool of privilege get here? Then there's other people who were sexually abused and trafficked and they literally now are set up for that failure because it's the only quote unquote love, not God love. But the only love and attention they know, and it's a dysfunction. So when you're saying these things, I think it can really help people because they can connect and say, okay, Amber's been there.

She's out. She did it through a relationship with Christ and making good decisions. You know, so whether you're listening to this as a, we want you to trust Christ as your savior and be a Christian, be Christ like. Yeah, not go to church, not have a religion, but to be Christ like. But what Amber's saying is, there's also hard work and, and pain, but it leads to fulfillment and joy.

And it leads to this freedom she's describing. But don't be a dummy. If you're listening to a whore, You're going to act like a whore and that means male or female. If you're hanging out with scumbags, you're going to be a scumbag. You can't expect to go to a nightclub and you're going to meet a moral person.

Don't be a liar. You're lying to yourself. You're lying to me. You're lying to everybody else. Guys and girls can't be friends. Period. Like we can be acquaintances. But the only person you should be sharing your soul with is your spouse. Because if not, you're forming a bond and you're going to have an affair.

I mean, just, and you can watch. Or you'll be tempted. Like, don't, don't tempt yourself. Don't set yourself up for those things. If you're not getting something at home that you need, you need to communicate. You know, like whether it's hard to say, say the things or not, I have, I now feel like I've, maybe I've gone to the complete other side of the pendulum where before I would say nothing, and now I'm going to say everything.

But I have actually gotten to a place where I'm like, I'm going to have to express myself. And if this makes things really uncomfortable and whatever, like, whatever, I still, I'm going to have to say it because I cannot have a secret in my. Another secret inside of me, like I refuse to live in secrecy and lies and denial.

Um, and just, you know, that's actually helping me, um, become more holy, you know, which is the goal while we're here is to be holy for good, because God is holy. Yeah. It's not, you will have joy and peace. It's about being holy, not about being happy. I can be happy if you give me a candy bar. I can be happy if you give me a car, but the joy and the peace is totally different.

And, um, One of the things when, when you're, when you're saying to people, you know, it's going to be hard and it is, it has been very hard. You've got to choose your heart. You can have heart that leads to destruction and death, or you can have heart that will eventually bring you to fruit of life. You're not, there's no way around heart.

So choose your heart and then go in that direction boldly. Yeah, no, I think that's great. That is 100%. I agree. There's, there's so much we could talk about, Amber, but thank you for your time today. Thank you for sharing your story and some tips of actually breaking free and whether people, sometimes people fast forward, whether they listen to this segment first, then your full story, or whether it is your full story, then the segment.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you have questions, reach out to Amber. You can check out the show notes, get all her contact information. Uh, reach out to me if I can help you. But at the end of the day, reach out to God, because God loves you more than we ever could, and he's there for you. And then just like in Amber's story, you're going to see as she prayed, God put people in her life that led her the right way.

When she wasn't praying, Hussain was putting people in her way to lead her the wrong way. So. You got a master and you can either follow the king or a peasant piece of trash and save it. That's how it works. Yeah. So that's it. Any [02:20:00] final thoughts, Amber, before we close up this episode? Um, I mean, I just want to, I, you know, say where, like, I'm, I'm working now, like, what we're doing.

Oh, yeah. Where are you at today? And where are you heading? Um, I currently work at Safe House Project as the faith partnership coordinator. And so one of the things that we're doing is, um, we realized that this is a God possible mission to end, uh, trafficking in America. Meaning it is not possible for us to do on our own.

There's so many generational um, ties to all of this that it's going to require God to do that. And so we have created a eight week video Bible study, um, that will help the church kind of be Mobilize to join the fight. It'll also require a lot of internal, it's not meant to make people feel comfortable.

This Bible study is not meant to feel comfortable. It's meant to help you become holy. Um, because the scripture is, if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray, seek my face and turn from their wicked ways. He's talking about his people, his Christians. If they would turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven.

I will heal the land and I will forgive their sins. We need healing in our land. And that's going to require that God's people look internally and start humbling ourselves and seeking his face and turning from the things that are not of him. And so this Bible study is amazing. I got to be a part of creating the workbook that just went live on Amazon.

So we're super excited about that to help the church decide where does God want. us to, um, to be involved because every church is going to be different. Every, every church has a different call and we want to be there to support. So we offer free trainings to the church. Um, I share my testimony, um, as a part of that training.

And then we also have free trainings that are just available for ongoing to help. Also, the church identifies survivors in the church, how to support them in the church. Um, and, um, And I, and I love that about my job. I'm also available for, um, just sharing my testimony places and, um, want to be available for that wherever God sends me.

Um, and however he wants to use his story. Amen. And what's the best way for people to reach you? Um, you can reach me at amber at safe house project. org or, um, you can find me Amber Love on social media platforms. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for being here today, Amber. And ladies and gentlemen, like our slogan says, don't just listen to great content Amber brought you today, but do it, repeat it each day.

So you can have a great life in this world, but most importantly, an attorney to come. So I'm David Pasqualone. This was our friend, Amber Love. We'll see you in the next episode. Ciao. 

[02:22:49] Thank you for watching!: The Remarkable People Podcast. Check it out.

The Remarkable People Podcast. Listen. Do. Repeat. For Life!.

The Remarkable People Podcast.