Jacqueline Wales | Overcoming Fear, Forgiving Yourself, & Taking Responsibility | Episode 59

In this packed episode we’ll talk about domestic violence, leaving your house as a teenager, alcoholism, drug use, divorce, self-sabotage, and more. Jacqueline shares with us her journey of overcoming fear. And not just overcoming fear, but how we can forgive ourselves, how to move on with life,  and how to make a successful marriage after all much struggle and early failure.

Drama, tragedy, hardship, and the baggage of the past are part of all of out lives. In this great episode Jacqueline teaches us through her experiences how to unpack our baggage, properly build relationships, how not to build relationships, and all sorts of great life advice. So check out this episode of the Remarkable People Podcast, the Jacqueline Wales story!

GUEST BIO: 

For more than 35 years, Jacqueline Wales has explored human behavior and asked tough questions to discover hard truths. She believes in the power of fearlessness to create the career and life you want. As a motivational speaker, professional coach, author of The Fearless Factor and other books, Jacqueline has helped countless people become more empowered, confident, and resilient.
Her work focuses on leaders who will dig into self-discovery, take accountability for their actions and responsibility for their decisions. She challenges herself daily to be better and challenges her clients to do the same—pushing boundaries and breaking through excuses to achieve results.

FEATURED QUOTE(S): 

• “The first step of unpacking the pain and damage of the past is not to blame others. Take responsibility for your part, be patient, and know it takes time.” – Jacqueline Wales

EPISODE PROUDLY SPONSORED BY: 

• CreationToday.org, Your #1 Resource for Creation, Apologetics, and Evangelism truth, tools, & training today.
• Butler’s Auto Recycling, Used & New Auto Parts – Nationwide Service | Phone 850.478.8500

SHOW NOTES, LINKS, CONTACT INFO, SPECIAL OFFERS, & RESOURCES MENTIONED:

Contact Jacqueline:

• Website: https://thefearlessfactoratwork.com/contact/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/fearles

Transcript

Jacqueline Wales | Overcoming Fear, Forgiving Yourself, &Taking Responsibility | E59

Hello friends. I'm David Pasqualone and welcome to this week's episode of the remarkable people podcast. The Jacqueline Wales story in this episode, Jacqueline is super transparent with us and really. Opens up and I don't know about you, but some of the places she goes I can really connect with. So in this episode, like all our episodes, they go deep and wide and we have a central theme and topic and title of the episode, but there's so much more, so listen to the whole episode.

[00:01:00] She's going to talk about domestic violence, leaving her house as a teenager, alcoholism, drug use divorce self-sabotage but she's also going to talk about overcoming fear and not just overcoming fear, but how to forgive yourself and how to move on with life and how to make a successful marriage after all much.

Drama and tragedy and hardship and baggage of the past. So this is a great episode to how to unpack your baggage, how to properly build a relationship, how not to build a relationship and all sorts of great life advice. So check out this episode. Of the remarkable people podcast, the Jacqueline whale story.

And before you do, I just want to take a moment and thank our sponsors today. Our episodes are sponsored by creation today. [00:02:00] Creation today is an organization that takes materials from all over the world and brings it to a central hub where you can find answers to the questions you have. That's biblically based, not about religion, but about the relationship with God, so wonderful organization.

And then what I think is the best part of their ministry is their actual content that they've created. They have classes, they have courses, they have seminars, they have series. They have all these words you hear, but they have it at creation today. So what you can do is you can go to creation today, dot org.

I'll put a link in the show notes, but then you can listen. And you can ask questions and you can interact at your speed at your pace and on your journey. Find truth. So creation today is one of our two sponsors. The next sponsor. Drum roll. Butler's auto recycling [00:03:00] in Pensacola, Florida, our friend Jim Butler, and his crew at Butler's auto recycling are amazing.

My family and I buy parts off him all the time. I got four or five vehicles in our family. I got two teenagers and unfortunately, We're always having the last accidents. Fortunately, we have friends like Jim Butler's auto recycling is not just in Pensacola, Florida in Milton, physically, but you can go online 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

They have their website, their online store and they even have an eBay store. So all the parts you need, you can find it. Butler's auto recycling. And then you can take it to the next level by giving them a call. And if you can't find a part in engine, a transmission, some kind of old classic muscle car part, if you can't find it online, give them a call because I'm sure they can help you [00:04:00] find it.

So butlers are recycling. We thank you. Thank you, Jim. To our other sponsor creation today, Eric Hoven. We love you and to our listeners. Now enjoy this episode of the podcast with our friend Jacqueline whales.

PART 3a INTERVIEW RPP Jacqueline Wales Overcoming Fear Forgiving Yourself and Taking Responsibility: [00:04:19] Hey Jacqueline, how are you today? All right, Dave. Thanks very much. So thanks for having me here. I appreciate, oh, I can't wait. The topic that you're tackling and telling your story is something that most of us in the world need.

So I can't wait to share it with our audience. So as our listeners know. You're going to go through your story. You can go back from the time you were born, go through your upbringing. What made Jacqueline, Jacqueline, and you can talk to us about whatever you think you had to face and overcome or accomplished, but then share the practical steps of how you did it.

So we can too, then we'll transition into where you are today and how we, as the [00:05:00] community can help you get there. So with that said, let's get started. I can't wait to hear your story. So where does it all begin for Jacqueline? So Jacqueline was born in Scotland, in Edinburgh, Scotland to be precise and more than about six, six decades plus years ago.

So I've been around a while and I grew up in a family that was. Really really dysfunctional. We had the domestic violence, we had the alcoholism, we had all kinds of emotional abuses. You name it. It was part of the background. So I left home at the age of 16 and that was, that was a big deal. And I moved from Edinburgh to London.

So moving home at 16 with very little understanding of what the world was all about, leaves you open to a lot of. Issues to say the least. And you know, people often ask me why I do the work that I do right now, which is all about helping people transform their life and move beyond the [00:06:00] fears that are holding them back from who they want to be.

And for me, it was. Clearly it started in my childhood when I would learn how to run and hide and I wasn't allowed to speak up and I wasn't allowed to be me. So leaving home at 16 was a big deal, but of course, as soon as I left home, I got busted for drugs. So that was the first part of it. The life story is in itself has been a lot of trial and error.

A lot of challenges. I had my first child at the age of 20 and I gave her up for adoption. I got married and I had another child and I left him with his father when he was three and a half. And then I moved to San Francisco. So the first 29 years of my life were really. Problematic to say the least having left school at 15, I went back to college when I was 21 and eventually got a degree.

But that was a big leap because nobody in my family to ever been educated beyond what you would call high school here. And for [00:07:00] me leaving school early as I did was mostly cause I was. Bored. I, and I really didn't think I had any smarts whatsoever. So it took a lot of experiences to find, like, convince me that there was something other than.

Wasting your life and blowing it up every so often, which I was real good at doing. So here I am in San Francisco. I've arrived here and I have no, nobody, I don't have a job. I'm not even allowed to work here. I don't have a legal permit to work here, but, you know, knowing that I've done everything by the seat of my pants up until this point.

Yeah. I'll figure it out. So I ended up staying in San Francisco, meeting my husband that I've now been with for 41 years. And by the time number three arrived, my child, number three, there was a decision to really figure it out. And I said to the therapist at the time, she will leave me before I leave her.

So that was really the beginning of what became a very, very deep. Understanding a deep [00:08:00] journey to reinvent myself and maybe not even reinvent myself, but to find myself. And that sounds a little bit dramatic, but given where I've just come from. This was a big deal. There was a whole lot of things that I had to overcome mostly about self esteem.

Not believing that I was capable. You know, the list was long and I meet this everyday in my coaching practice. When I'm speaking with my clients, no matter how talented you are and how successful you are. There's still that little piece of you that goes here, right? One of these days, you're going to get found out.

So it's the imposter syndrome at work, but my forties were really a big deal for me because I started writing. I started singing. I started to martial arts and I started to build proper relationships with all of my kids, because by the time I reached the age of 40, I was on child number five. And so there was, there was a [00:09:00] lot of baggage to unpack, shall we say?

But I was definitely, you know, convinced that I needed to go through this. Now I've been very blessed in so many ways. Let's not say that this has been one hell of a ride. It has been a hell of a ride, frankly, but the point being is. All of these challenges, all of these transformations, all of these opportunities for change have been quite significant Edinburgh to London, London, to San Francisco, San Francisco, to Los Angeles, Los Angeles, to Paris, Paris, to Amsterdam, Amsterdam, and Paris to Bali, and then to New York city.

And then finally back around to San Francisco bay area. Again. So there's been a lot of travel. There's been a lot of different experiences and a lot of having to show up for your fears and a lot of having to force myself to confront them. I proved that I can get beyond them. And I would like to say at this point in time, I've written three books.

[00:10:00] I've made music throughout my forties. I was a Cantor for synagogues and Paris and Amsterdam for five years. And I started my own business at the age of 54 with nothing but a good idea. And. We are a few years on from that. And I have what I have now. So I would say that's, that's the journey you wanted the story.

It's a long one. Here it is. Oh no, that's, that's great. We love stories on the remarkable people podcast. So let me ask you a couple of questions, our community, we're here to help each other grow, and we're thankful you're here to share your story, but in the practical details, You had to make some tough decisions in your life, and I'm sure they weren't easy and they weren't without regrets or even anger.

First question I have for you is for our listeners in similar situations, how did you learn to forgive yourself? That's a big one right there. You know, I think it's hard for people to forgive [00:11:00] themselves. It's much easier to forgive others than it is to forgive yourself. And part of that is the messages that you've got wrapped up in your head.

My father told me for years, I would never amount to much. That was a big piece for me. And of course I believed it. You know, and my behavior backed it up. You know, we look for that confirmation bias and I certainly went about proving that I really was a worthless piece of, you know, what so having to redesign my thinking, reimagine, who I can be is really the big piece of how I could build the confidence to move forward.

So for anyone who's thinking right now, you know, I really don't know how I'm going to overcome. The, the, the challenges of, of my childhood. Here's the thing about it. It's gone. It's the past, it's over. And you have a choice at this moment in time to take a different direction, to think differently, to, [00:12:00] to behave differently, to give yourself an option that yeah, you might actually be smarter than you think you are, which was my case at a certain point in my life, you might actually be able to love unconditionally.

Which is a really big deal. You might be able to have intimate relationships with people. You know, there are, there are many ways in which this can show up, but first and foremost, you've got to start thinking about how you're thinking, because everything that we do is run by first of all, our emotions.

And our thinking and then our behavior and the behavior leads to the actions. So when you think about that particular stream of emotions, thinking behavior and actions, I know that you have a choice in what you wish to engage with. And when people say to me, I don't have a choice, it is what it is. And I go, yeah, you just made a choice.

That choice is to do nothing. That choice is [00:13:00] to believe that you really can't move beyond where you are right now, but we all have the power to do that. We all have capability. Of changing our lives begin to do the hard work and it is hard work. You've got to constantly readjust, readjust, readjust. It's like a like a really high powered engine where you're constantly fine tuning it and you're, you're never done.

And I have to say, the only time you're going to be done is when you're going out the door in a plane book, amen to that.

did you hear me? I apologize to all the listeners we'll have edit and it's done now. Right? I might just leave that in. So the Bible says as a man thinketh, meaning mankind. So is he, and that's exactly what you're saying. We have these thoughts, whether we are learned [00:14:00] behavior. Whether it's self destruction, because we hate ourselves for some reason.

But for you Jacqueline, how would you recommend the listeners struggling with this? Cause I struggled with this badly for years and I'm getting better, but for me, for all our listeners in over 78 countries, how would you recommend they start the process of rethinking? So now there's the messages that you gave yourself.

If you tell yourself, you're stupid, ask yourself, is that true? If you tell yourself you're not capable. Is it true? I mean, the bottom line is you have to constantly question. I mean, my work is based on a lot of questions. It's, it's what I do. As a coach, I'll ask a questions. People say they're looking for answers.

And I say, let's find the good questions first. And the. First number one question, when you're beating yourself up and I'd call it the two by four syndrome. When you want to take that piece of wood and slam it up the [00:15:00] side of your head, because somehow you should have known better. When you hear that voice in your head, ask yourself, who's doing the talking because I'd guarantee you that it wasn't you that put that language there.

It was someone else. And I would also suggest that you ask yourself that question. Is it true? Because if you have any equivocation, if there's any sense of that is not true, then change the message. I am smart. I am capable. I am lovable. I am able to do whatever it is that I want to do. There's a piece to this, you know, self doubt is the biggest killer of all our ambitions.

All the opportunities that you can have in life get squashed by self doubt. So when you're sitting in self doubt, ask yourself, where's my investment in staying here. What is it about being in this state that I [00:16:00] can't move beyond now? Here's the other thing that I noticed in my life is that I've been a big control freak all my life.

But what I learned was that control is about safety. If I'm in control, if I know where everything is at, if I know what, what I can deal with and what I can't deal with, then my life is secure. And when you grew up in an unsafe environment like I did when I was a child because of physical violence, because of, of all the emotional abuse, you B you just trust yourself and you certainly distrust others.

In my latest book, the fearless factor at work. I talk a lot about this idea of learning, how to trust yourself so that you can trust others more. And it's a two way street when you trust yourself, other people will come and trust you more too, because you're confident enough took me a long time to actually stand up and say, I'm really good at what I do.

And really [00:17:00] own that piece and not see it as a piece of arrogance, but simply because I've worked damn hard to get to where I am today and anyone who knows me would absolutely back me up 150% on it. But that's what I'm saying is that if you're in that state of self doubt, if you're in that questioning mind of, you know, can I really do this?

Am I, am I capable? Blah, blah, blah. Think of it this way. How do you want to change that message for yourself? And I'm not saying it's easy because it's not, but it's what practice and I'm talking about everyday practice in the moment, practice things start to change. It's incremental. Yes, I couldn't agree more.

And if you're listening and Jacqueline, you can agree or disagree, but I know for myself, I literally would wake up and hear you piece of crap, or, you know, I immediately hear these thoughts. [00:18:00] Immediately in like 40 years of that. And Rob Jackson, he was a guest on our podcast. Great human, great guy, a great counselor.

He taught me something that I don't know if you mean, we're just unpacking a fraction of your life here, but he told me that when you hear these voices in your head, not like audible, but you know what I mean? You hear these, the self-doubt the self-sabotage negative behavior. He said, what is it saying? Is it saying.

I am worthless or is it saying you are worthless? Because to me that was a big breakthrough moment when I understood that. Because a lot of times it wasn't, I'm worthless. It was your piece of crap. You're worthless. So that was stuff that other things other people put in my head, but I hung on to it. And what you said about being honest with yourself, asking the question, is it true?

What a beautiful statement. So thank you for sharing that. Yeah. I mean, it, it took me a lot of time to, to figure that one out, but I think that's really a core [00:19:00] of it. And when you hear those use statements again, to what I said earlier, whose voice is doing the talking you know, my dad does, I said, told me I would never amount to anything.

And one day I'm standing in a room full of FBI agents talking about fear. And I look up at the ceiling and I said, so what do you think now, dad, Is it true? Not at all. That's awesome. And now we're going to get deep into overcoming fear and teach our audience how they can push through the boundaries and break through their excuses to achieve results.

I actually have a brand growth or excuses we can either grow or we can make excuses. Ben Franklin said the quote that's totally convicting to me. You know, he who is good at making excuses is often good at nothing else. So that's just like, boom. Before we go on into that, you just talk a little about forgiving yourself.

Analyzing is as true as it not true. [00:20:00] How do you build those proper relationships? So you're, you're working on yourself and you said usually when you believe in yourself, others will believe in you too, or trust yourself. They'll trust you too. What are your steps? Like one, two, three to start our listeners.

Building those relationships back, like, man, I've ruined a relationship with my kids and I heard them bad. How do I go back and fix? What's the steps to start? Well, there's, there's, there's a big one right there for me. I mentioned that I walked out on my son when he was three and a half years old. And my ex hated me.

I mean, he just, you know, not only did I walk out on them, I was no longer in the same country. Let alone the same city. So at the time I was condemned by a lot of people. How could you walk out on your child? But at the time I knew instinctively that if I pulled him with me, wherever I was going, it was going to lead to trouble.

But what happened was my ex did his best to stand between the two of [00:21:00] us. And finally, when my son was about 12 or 13, he said to me, I cannot see you anymore. Every time I see you, I come home and he just gives me hell. You know, I just don't want to deal with it. And this is only 13 at this point. So we'd had a lot of back and forth between the age of three and a half and 13 clearly, and it broke my heart and I realized that I needed to give him the space.

Cause I wasn't going to drag him any further down this road. But for five years, I didn't talk to him and I wanted to call and I wanted to really reach out to him. And then about five years later, I was in London and I decided that the hell with it, I was going to give a call and I did, and he answered the phone and it was like yesterday, you know, hi, how are you?

Blah, blah, blah. And that was the beginning, the opening for me, but directly after that phone call. And this is interesting [00:22:00] directly after that phone call, I was so high. I was so excited. I was so blown over by my emotions. Then I went running out of my friend's store up the road. I was going to run off some of this energy and I ran straight into a moving vehicle.

Oh, it was, it was, it's really a wake up call, but we had just organized to meet the next day. Now I managed to Dodge the car by turning to one side at the time I was doing martial arts. So my reflexes were pretty damn good. So I managed to turn my body to the side and I took it on one side of me, but I was pretty badly bruised, nothing broken, fortunately, but.

Definitely bruised up one side down the other, but I showed up for that meeting the following day because I wanted to start, the healing process did not happen overnight. It was years long journey. So he's at this point about 17, 18, somewhere in there. And we [00:23:00] agreed to keep talking. So we're having regular phone calls.

He's old enough to tell his father to go take a hike, whatever. And over time he came to visit in California. I would visit in London, blah, blah, blah. Took me several years. During that time, I tried to fix it by putting money in the way it's like, I'm going to give you money to take care of yourself.

Money did go to school. Money did that. At that time, it was a money thing. Realize that that money thing was definitely not a good place to go, because what happened was he was putting that money up his nose. That definitely didn't work. So at a certain point, I had to say to him, he was about 26 at the time I said to him, here's the deal.

My heart is open. My door is open. My bank account is now closed. You better figure it out. Well, he did. He absolutely figured it out and we continued to build our relationship. Now he's now 46 years old, [00:24:00] just turned 46. He's got a five-year-old daughter. We talk every weekend. And even though there's a long distance relationship, cause I'm in California, we're closer now than we've ever been.

And he doesn't talk to his dad at all. Because they've had a pretty poisonous relationship for a long, long time. But what I'm saying about this is that nothing happens overnight. There's no one, two, three steps steps on this. I have to tell you it's about trusting your own instincts. It's about feeling that you can make a difference.

It's about knowing that your mistakes are correctable. And I'd like to say, we're all failing our way to success because the, through our failures, we learn things and that the failures are what inform us of what we can do differently. So I've told you this long story about my son, because you brought up children and, and, you know, damaging the relationship with them.

I've got four children. Five, if you [00:25:00] count my daughter, I gave up for adoption. Every single one of them has a different mother story to tell you. Not all of them are great. So we, we, you know, take, take responsibility. That's really what it's about. I mean, I took responsibility for my son and I said, yeah, you want to go into therapy, drag me in with me.

You want to scream and yell at me for what I didn't do feel, feel free to have at it. I deserve it. I'm happy to be there for you. And that's really all you can do, especially with your kids is try to be there for them. Do you know, always going to agree with everything that they do. You're not always gonna agree with with, you know, whatever it is that you, you did wrong and they think you did wrong.

One of my other kids who would have hissy fits when she was a teenager and I would have a screaming fit with her and she'd look at me afterwards and go, that's another five years of therapy, your own me. You know, I mean, you just have to kind of take that with a laugh and go. Yeah. Okay. Whatever, you know, and we've done plenty of therapy together as family.

[00:26:00] And then I, so yeah, I mean, I think that's a very real perspective that when damage is done, if I'm hearing you correctly, it's just take responsibility. Take that first step. No Rome wasn't built in a day. You gotta be patient. It's going to take time and then just keep working. And you mentioned therapy multiple times where a lot of times, because we're obviously close to the issue, a neutral third party is.

Just a huge asset. So if someone out there listening doesn't have the funds or doesn't know a good counselor or is like counselors or jokes. No, there really is value to them. But I will say from firsthand experience, you also have to get the right counselor. Cause there's people that can mess you up more than do good.

So definitely do your research, their due diligence, and try to find somebody who's gonna point you all to God. Not take us as this point to God restore all the relationships, not take sides and pick winners and losers. Yeah. And that is, that's a [00:27:00] process. I mean, I've mentioned therapy a lot because I did a lot of therapy.

I mean, in the beginning at about 10 years of therapy. But I also saw that when we were having trouble with our kids, I would find therapy for that too, because sometimes you do need a mediator. Sometimes you just need somebody to listen to both sides of the story and then kind of mirror back to you what they're hearing.

And that's when you get the value of, oh yeah. I never thought about that before. Well, and as I say to my clients, now that you can think about it that way, what do you want to do about it? You know, because frequently we're not even seeing. What we're what we're doing. We're not even seeing what, how we're thinking or how we're responding to other people.

You know, I like to say several years ago, I got to a place where there was nobody in my life that I didn't want there. And think about all the toxic people in your life. That's a big one for a lot of people. So if you think about toxic people in your life, who do you need to cease [00:28:00] relationships with?

Including maybe family members. Now, I haven't talked to my ex and 30 odd years. Nor do I plan to, and when he does, he'll be dead and I'll be it, you know, relationships to restore. And there's some that, you know, need to, but yeah, no, no, no, no. That's great now. Yeah. And that third party again, there was a guy we spent like no joke, like six grand, and I didn't get much value from him, but I walked away with one thing and the one thing I walked away with.

Like really walked away with it. Wasn't unique to other people, you know, there's always reinforcement, but I came from an Italian American home I'm first-generation American. So I grew up in a very loud society. And you said directly how you feel and you've got it out. And it was over with, so my normal talking or just passionate, like I have zero animosity in me.

He's like, Dave, this is how you think you sound. Then he drops a tissue. And he's like, this is how you [00:29:00] sound to people like me, who didn't grow up in that environment. And he slams down a book and that one illustration was worth the six grand to me. I mean, it stuck with me and it had me think, okay, there's a huge cultural difference in communication.

And I can see that now is that light bulb moment. Now I'm still not perfect at it, but like you said, that counselor was great. And in that aspect, the rest, yeah. It's hard to put value on this. You know what I mean? Someone comes to me for coaching and they say to me, well, you're very expensive and I go, okay, so how much do you want to change?

You know, I mean, I can guarantee you at the upfront that, that I'm going to be able to help you deliver the goods. But I also know that my track record that I'll probably give you a few nuggets that you can take to the bank and figure something else out, you know? And that's, that's what it comes down to.

Yep. And that's, and again, it's really, we know everything that the counselor and the coaches to draw it out of us and help us have that confidence. Like you talked about to move [00:30:00] forward. Which brings us to one more question before we get to the, the overcoming fear, unpacking the baggage. That's part of every process, every aspect.

Have you found a way that's helped you to unpack history, unpack the bag and just let it go because that's a huge thing is just to really let it go and be free. How have you found that works in your, I have to ask the question. Is this mine or is this theirs? I think about my father who was incredibly frustrated, disappointed, angry.

Self-destructive all of his negative aspects were foisted upon me and forced upon the rest of the family too. And. So when you, you look at what's mine and what's yours, and I've been with my partner husband [00:31:00] now for 41 going on 42 years, never in my lifetime would I thought that I would live with somebody that long he's been in my life longer than anyone else in, in, except for maybe one or two people.

But the point being about that is. When we would have our fights and we had some doozies were divorced, came very, very close to the edge. We really had to ask ourselves, is this mine, or is this yours? And knowing how to differentiate that is what helps you to move beyond it. Because when I started recognizing that whenever anything went wrong, because I'm a damaged human being, my first response was always, it must've been something I did.

And for people who are wounded, that tends to be the language that's in their head. It must've been something I did well when I finally realized that, Hey, I'm not responsible for all of this. What's his end of things. What is it he needs to take responsibility [00:32:00] for? And allowing that dialogue to happen has given us a lot more room.

And of course has managed to sustain the relationship this long. But I tell you, there were moments where Nick. Got this close to just go and forget it. We're not interested, but there was always that clawing back from the edge, then allowed us to say, okay, let's take another look at this and let's see again, what am I responsible for?

What are you responsible for? Because that's key. Everything about change, taking full responsibility for everything, for your thinking, for your actions, for your emotions, for everything that you are about. Take that responsibility because you can't blame other people. You can't put the stuff over there and that's another big piece of this blaming.

It's easy to go into. Well, it's all their fault. They're the ones who did it to me and that, you know, certainly for a long time, my father did it to me. But when I realized that my [00:33:00] father did it to me, because he was doing it to himself. And because it had been done to him by previous generations, there was a pattern there and it was my job to break it.

When I wrote my first book, when the crossings, it's a story of three generations of women giving birth to children outside of marriage set in Scotland. And I told the story of my grandmother and my mother and myself, because. All of these generations had children outside of marriage. When you took those days, you know, it was illegitimacy.

It's not such a big deal anymore because it doesn't mean anything at this stage of our evolution. But back then, there was a stigma attached to that. So I told the story of these three generations of women and all of them. The stuff that goes along with that, but realizing somebody has to break the chains and I broke mine by giving my child up for adoption and not going through, trying to make it work.

She did much better because of it. [00:34:00] Yeah. Yeah. And thank you for being so transparent with us. We really appreciate that. Being married in today's society for 41 years is an accomplishment in itself. And two have already been divorced. Statistically, you can see the numbers every time you get divorced or have a relationship, even a dating relationship that breaks your chances divorced statistically go up.

But you said clawing back by taking responsibility and by being, you know, not blaming, but being responsible for your own actions saying, well, what am I responsible for here? That kept you in the marriage instead of quitting. And that's the right thing to do. What was the thought that was going through your mind to say it's worth fighting for keep fighting for let's keep going.

So for those listeners out there, struggling in their marriages right now in their relationships, how can they learn to hold on? Well, first [00:35:00] of all, you know, I can go find somebody else, but they're going to come with their baggage too. So I've got to sort out their baggage, which you know, is a, is a job in itself.

And also will that person be conscious enough to know that their baggage is, is theirs, you know, and not want to project it onto others. Cause that's, that's another reason why. Relationships struggle because there's too much projection onto the other person. So I think what really allowed us to, to know that this was worth hanging on to is a, we had children together and we also had similar value system things that were important to us because a lot of the time in relationships, whether it's at home or at work is because your values aren't aligned, you know?

So the things that you. Considered to be important or not important to the other person. So analyze your values have take a good look at them. Are we, you know, in, in sync, I mean, once you get over the [00:36:00] in-love period, this is really all about, you know, a relationship, it's a collaboration. I feel like that's what we're in because a marriage is not just about, you know, Love and marriage and the carriage and all that good stuff that goes along with it.

It is simply a matter of two people who have made a, made a, a relationship made a what's the word I'm looking for. They made a deal that this is important to both of them and they're going to make it work. And that's really what it came down to. It was important enough to both of us to say, okay, It'll work.

I mean, I said to my way, two years ago for two months, and I said, don't come back. Do you get your head straight? And two months later he came back and he had his head straight because he realized where he was getting in his own way. That's awesome. And you lead us into our next topic perfectly. They take some studies of people and say, what are your biggest [00:37:00] fears?

You've got public speaking death. And commitment, right? Those are the top three. So talk to us now about overcoming fear. You have your new book, the fearless factor, but talk to us about overcoming fear. We all have different fears. Some are rational, summer irrational, some are based on history. And then we think the future is going to continue where it doesn't have to.

So talk to us about fear and overcoming fear. So my simple philosophy on being fearless is this not the absence of fear? It's the courage to take the next step. Now taking the next step is for many people where they get stuck. It's like, you know, I don't know what the next step looks like. I don't know if I take that step if it's going to be okay.

Am I going to be safe? I don't know if I take that next step. If, if you know, things are going to work out the way that I would like them to work out you know, there's, there's a big piece in there. So I like to say [00:38:00] also that being fearless or, or fear is imagination based. Think about it. Fear is an emotion.

What drives our emotions? Our thinking. So when you think about fear being imagination based, you're making up stories, that address your anxiety, your uncertainties, your worry, your fears about the future. Now here's the thing about the fears about the future. When we project into the future, based on our experience of the past and forget that in this moment, we have an option to make a different decision, make a different choice to actually be in the moment.

Then your future can be as good as you want it to be, because it's about positive thinking. There's another big piece of this. If you're constantly feeding yourself negativity, how do you want to create a future? That actually looks like it's worth living. As opposed to a future of same old, same [00:39:00] old, and therefore I'm still living in the past.

So how do you move out of that past? And like I said earlier, for me, the past is a story. That's what happened now? I like to say the past, you know, we talk about what I talked about five minutes ago. I couldn't tell you. I would have to have a replay in order to figure that out. And what's going to happen in five, five minutes from now.

No idea. So this is our only reality. This here is our present. Now think about the word present. It's the gift. It's the gift you give yourself. When you realize that from this moment, I can go in a different direction. Should I choose? So being fearless again, taking that next step, having the courage to take that next step becomes the real key to overcoming your fears

that. Is inspiring and it's exciting. And if people are listening [00:40:00] and you don't fully get it, you know, there's different levels of understanding. If it's starting to make sense, keep replaying that until it clicks, because when you have that aha moment, you're going to be filled with power. And you're run me the verse two, talking about the thinking.

The Bible says, commit that works and to the Lord and I thought shall be established. So if you're listening to this, you're like, I don't get it. Well, don't get it. Just start doing the right things. Like Jacqueline saying. Just do the right things and your thoughts are going to start changing quickly, you know, we talked about thinking and changing your thinking, but what kind of some easy wind steps can our listeners take to live more fearless?

So reward yourself at the end of the day. If you found yourself getting embroiled in old habits. There you go again, you know that phrase. So there you go again. Okay. So there you go again, but you actually hesitated a moment and said, no, wait a minute. I want to do that [00:41:00] differently. Then at the end of the day, make a note of it.

One of the things that I do and have done for years and highly recommend is keep a gratitude journal. It's not just gratitude for other people and whatever they're doing. It's about gratitude for your own actions, gratitude for who you are, being grateful that you have the opportunity. You have a wonderful mind, you use it, you know, it's like you have the ability to make those changes.

So I would start with. Gratitude number one. And there's a reward for you because at the end of the year after you've kept a gratitude journal every day, three things, that's all you need to do. You look back on that and all you can remember is the good times in your life. Not bad times, because I got loads of journals with all the bad times in there and all this stuff I had to process and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

That can be very valuable too. But ultimately you want to focus on the positive stuff. So again, giving yourself a reward when you notice. That you stopped yourself. When you [00:42:00] notice that you had a different interaction with someone that had caused you problems before, if you notice, for instance, you hate confrontations because confrontations basically points out that you're a loser.

That you're, you're no good. You're this, that, and the next thing, remember that you're putting that thinking into the mind of someone else. Another side of that, of course is worrying about what other people will say. Well, I like to see what other people are thinking is none of your business it's enough that you can manage your own head without trying to manage someone else's head.

So, you know, again, catch yourself in the moment, see what, what you see take responsibility for wanting to change that up. And when you fall down, when you fail at catching yourself, cause sometimes we're in it before we even know we're in it. No that next time, you'll try a little bit harder to make a difference.

Amen to that. Now I want to back [00:43:00] up. Maybe I should ask this question, you know, 20 minutes ago, a lot of people don't even realize they live in fear every day. Defined fear and explain kind of what that looks like, because it's not watching a scary movie and being terrified or, and it's not, you know, thinking someone's chasing you and their adrenaline is pumping.

There's different types of fear. And a lot of people are just controlled and held captive by fear. So define how would Jacqueline define what fear is and give us some examples of what people can look for in their life. Common types of fear that you see in your practice every day. So the primary one is confidence.

You know, if you're not feeling confident about undertaking certain things, if you're not feeling confident about opening up your mouth and speaking in a meeting, if you're not confident about asking your boss or asking a question when, when you've got questions and you're, you're not really living into that, that place.

[00:44:00] These are very clear indications that you're afraid because here's the bottom line on fear day. The fear of I'm not good enough. And even though I've, I had clients who have self-sabotage to have created all kinds of issues for themselves, for their confidence and competence issues. And I'll say to them, do you feel like you're not good enough?

And then the answer comes back? Well, of course I'm good enough. All right. So why is your behavior. Pointing out that you really don't feel like you're good enough that you feel like you're kind of a waste of time if you like, because that's a part of our thinking as well. So when we're looking at fear, when I ask people, what's your biggest fear, nine times out of 10 it's fear of failure.

So if we stop ourselves from wanting to fail, you're not taking enough risks in life. So again, if you, if you're not taking risks in life, where's your fear factor here. You know, if I [00:45:00] really like, you know, step out here and make a statement, how are people gonna respond? Took me years to be able to have the confidence to say, this is what I believe.

And I don't really care if you believe it or not. It doesn't really matter. It's what I believe. So that's a confidence piece right there taking on a job that, that you maybe think you could do. But you're not a hundred percent sure rather than wait for the opportunity to come up where you feel like you're totally comfortable.

Take the edge, push yourself a little bit further, because again, if you're not taking the edge, if you're looking at wanting to maintain status quo and stay in your comfort zone, which is really your discomfort zone, there's your fear in operation right there. All right. Let's throw some stones, big ones.

We're going to help. You're going to help us, help our listeners get off the fence. So [00:46:00] there's people out there right now that, you know, the Bible talks about a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. Right. And you know, anybody who knows, even if you don't read your Bible, it's, if you don't have a position, like you said, know what you believe in, why and rest assuredly in it.

You're just like, A boat toss with the waves, right? So there's people on the fence, right? No, in their heads, they know that they have value. They know that they have talent and they believe it. They really know it. But then in their hearts, they hear those voices. I'm worthless. I'm no good. So they may literally think I'm the most dynamic blank, blank, blank widget maker in the world.

But then inside the like, man, if I start my one word main company, I could fail. How do you knock those people on the fence to the good side? So here's the thing. None of us building, you know, anything significant overnight, you know, it takes, it's an incremental thing. It's an [00:47:00] inching forward. It's like when people say, how do I get more confident?

And I go, well, you start behaving differently. You start thinking differently in one day you realize that you're not doing the old shit anymore. You're actually. You know, showing up and being your full self with regards to, to what's going on. So you know, the piece for me is. As you say, getting off the fence, take that next step.

It doesn't have to be a huge staircase. It just needs to be one step, do something different that you wouldn't have been. And yesterday they get willing to do something today. Eleanor Roosevelt said at a certain point, you know do everything, do something every day that scares you. You know, and of course her husband at the time said, Roosevelt said, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

You know? And then of course he was in the second world war at that point in time. So that was a lot reasons to think that way. But the point being is it's simple. It's [00:48:00] not complicated. We like to complicate things. We like to find all the excuses in the world. We like to put all kinds of reasons why we can't, we can't, we can't.

Well, just for once try, I can and make it small, small enough that if it doesn't work, it doesn't matter. But small enough that if you do something and it changes you can build on it. I think that's great advice. So if I'm hearing you, you're kind of saying what our slogan is. Don't just listen to this Curry information that Jacqueline's bringing us, but do it.

Repeat it every day stay consistent. So you can have a great life. Is that what I'm hearing you say? Absolutely. I mean, somebody in, if somebody told me, you know, 15, 20 years ago that I'd be sitting here having this conversation with as much conviction as I have at this moment, I would have gone. Yeah. MDAP yeah.

[00:49:00] Maybe, maybe not. That is awesome. Thank you for being here today. Now we've gone through the past and we're gonna get into where you are today and where you're going. Is there anything else in the past that we missed, that you want to speak of, that you feel like, oh, I need to share this. I think it will bring that audience value, or we hit all the high points and you've hit and hit all the high points at this stage.

I have lots and lots of stories, but yeah, we've, we've covered a lot of them. Okay then where is Jacqueline today and where are you going so we can help you get there. Well, thank you. So Jacqueline today has built her organization that I call the fearless factor at work or the fearless factor. And what I'm doing is I'm working with women.

who are accomplished too to a great degree, but who are ready to take that next step, who are ready to, you know, perhaps move away from the, the limit limitations of whatever it is that they've been involved with. [00:50:00] And I created something called the fearless change program because one of the things that I truly believe I spent years figuring out all my stuff.

But I want to help people do it in the fastest time possible. So I've got a six week program that I just put together last year. And it's, it's done with coaching both individually and with groups as well as some online content that is really designed to get you thinking, to be reflective, to truly help you open up your mind to new things.

And my goal over the next few years is I want to build this thing out so that. I can help as many people as possible either through online courses or through the individual attention that I give people. So the fairness factor at work is really, like I say, every year I'm just getting started because I really do feel that my job here is to be of service, to as many people as possible in whatever way I can and help people [00:51:00] understand that they have the power.

They can move beyond whatever insecurities, whatever uncertainties, whatever fears are running their lives right now, you have the power to be able to move beyond that. And it doesn't have to take for ever to do that either. There are ways of means to be able to accelerate that process. So I'm doing that through my books, I'm doing it through my online programming.

I'm doing it through my coaching practice. And over the next 10 years, I would like to really build this out so that. Other coaches can use the system, other coaches and other people who could find this helpful would use this system and be able to help the networks and the communities that they serve over the years.

And maybe in 10 years from now, like, even think about. Some kind of retirement, cause I'll be almost 80. So what the hell? Maybe it's time to lay it down. Oh man, you look so young. If you guys are listening or watching, you're going to be 80 and 10 [00:52:00] years series. Yes. You look like you're in your fifties. Dang good genetics.

Well for our listeners who want to get a hold of you and they're like, you know, I want to talk to Jacqueline. How, why, where now what's the best way for them to reach you? So, first of all, go visit my website, the fearless factor at work. And on that site, I want you to go download a PDF. That's called give fear the finger.

And it's an exercise designed. To help you understand a, what are the fears that are holding you back and help you to realize which one of them are real and which ones are not. And then taking some action steps to get beyond it. So that's first and foremost, go get that PDF. Download it and do the exercise.

It's called fear is a four letter word. So there we go. Secondly, you can contact me through my website. My email address is Jack [00:53:00] lien@thefearlessfactoratwork.com. And I'm happy for you to reach out by email too, if I can be of help to you, but there's a lot of resources on the website that you can definitely take advantage of if you're really committed to doing the work.

To help you understand more about who you are and how you're showing up in the world. Awesome. And we're going to put all these links in the show notes, so you can check out the show notes, whether you're looking at listen on apple podcast, Spotify, YouTube, just go ahead and just click those show notes.

You can get a hyperlink right there. And then also, if you need anything, you can reach out to Jackleen, like she said, right directly through our website. Now, if you're listening, stick around, there's going to be a special offer at the end that we have for you. So you'll have that to enjoy. And Jacqueline, this has been a great time together.

Is there anything else that we missed that you want to share? I know you're a busy woman and I want to respect your time, [00:54:00] but is there anything else that you want to cover before we close for the day? I would just say to people listening to this, do not from there. You want to go let your imagination go in a positive direction.

Let your imagination run. Allow yourself to believe that you can create the life that you want to create. Amen. And on those words, Jacqueline has been a true pleasure. You are a remarkable woman. I am thankful you were on the show. So thank you for being here today.

Can you hear me? Okay? Yes, I can. Oh, okay. My eye, it says on my side, the internet connection is unstable and of course it's right at the end of the podcast. All right. So to our listeners, we love you. Hang out one more minute for this special offer and Jackleen thank you so much for being here and hopefully we'll talk to you again soon.

PART 3b INTERVIEW CLOSING THOUGHTS RPP Jacqueline Wales Overcoming Fear Forgiving Yourself and Taking Responsibility: [00:54:59] [00:55:00] All right. Fake. You're not going to see this part, but Jacqueline, is there anything else you want to cover that we missed or have a parting thought for our audience? So my thing is to take the next step, no matter what is going on for you, trust that you can take that next step trust that you can achieve the things that you want to achieve.

Believe in yourself. Believe that no matter how hard it feels no matter how hard. Yeah. Things might think, feel like they're getting, keep that belief in yourself, keep that belief in everything that, that you are putting out there in your future vision of who you want to be and how you want to be living your life.

And one of the big secrets that I like to think about is who do you want to be in three years now? What do you want to do? But who do you want to be in three years? And if you think about even just a year from now, who do you want to be in a year from now? Think about what that person looks like. What does she, what does she or he doing?

What is [00:56:00] she saying? And give yourself the opportunity to experience there. Awesome. That is great advice. Thank you for being here today. Jackleen ladies and gentlemen stay around for a special offer for our remarkable community and we will see you Jacklyn soon. I can't wait to continue the conversation in the friendship.

Thanks for being here today. Thank you very much, David. It's been a pleasure.

PART 4 SPECIAL OFFER RPP E59 Jacqueline Wales Overcoming Fear Forgiving Yourself and Taking Responsibility: [00:56:25] ladies and gentle and boys and girls, children of all ages. You've just heard Jacqueline share with us incredible insights on overcoming fear. We've talked about all sorts of great things about pushing through to get passed over. Our excuses and achieve results and just all sorts of things that are practical for giving yourself taking responsibility.

But on top of all that great information, Jacqueline has a special offer for you. So Jacqueline, at this time, we share with our audience the privilege you're going to give them. [00:57:00] So here's my special gift to your audience. If they go to my website, the fearless factor@work.com and go under the navigation of the courses.

And when you open that up, you'll see all kinds of courses that I have for, for your learning and unclearly for, for sale. But here's my gift to you go to the one that says transitioning your career. For success. That's the title of the course transitioning your career for success. And when you put that into the cart, you're going to put a coupon code with that, which will be J w 21.

And when you put the coupon code in there, won't cost you a dime and you go through the process of, of downloading this. This is my gift to you. It's free. It's normally $49. But for you. It's free put in the coupon code, JW 21, and you can [00:58:00] download it and it will give you all kinds of great insights and opportunities to reflect on how you can not only transition your career, but transition your life too.

Excellent. Thank you so much. Jackleen and to our friends all over the world, we thank you for being here. We love you. Listen to this episode, do it, repeat it for life. Share with your friends and family. Those you love, and let's all grow together. I'm David Paswell with the remarkable people podcast. If I can help you, please let me know.

Jacqueline is there to help you if you need anything. And with that, we'll see you next week, Joe.