Michaela Cox | Thriving in Life After 38DDD: Disability, Divorce, & Death | Bonus Episode 61

EPISODE OVERVIEW: 

Born blind, a virgin 2-years into her first marriage, widowed early by the love of her life in her second marriage, and now a single mother and author. Can't wrap your head around that? What about hearing this story and seeing a positive woman who exemplifies an adapt and overcome mentality? Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to this episode of the Remarkable People Podcast, the Michaela Cox story! 

GUEST BIO: 

Michaela S. Cox is a six time published author. Her books include Heartfelt Meditations: A Collection of Poetry Inspired by Cherished Scriptures, books on motherhood in her Take a Sip, Take a Breath and Go… series and most recently, on her faith in Scripture, Spirituality and Our Culture series. Michaela’s third series is entitled Before the Clock Strikes Midnight Michaela has also been published in “Light and Life”. She is an author who writes about her heartfelt meditations related to her passions about her journey as a mother, her journey of faith and the American journey of We the People. 

EPISODE PROUDLY SPONSORED BY: 

• Rob Jackson, The Iceberg Model of Christian Spiritual Formation – Worldwide

SHOW NOTES, LINKS, CONTACT INFO, SPECIAL OFFERS, & RESOURCES MENTIONED:

Contact Michaela:

• Website: https://www.myheartfeltmeditations.com/
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Heartfelt-Meditations-by-Michaela-S-Cox-326674074197797/
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nowisee779/

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Transcript

Michaela Cox | Thriving in Life After 38DDD: Disability, Divorce, & Death | Bonus Episode 61

Hello friends. I'm David Pasqualone. Welcome to this week's episode of the remarkable people podcast. The Michaela Cox story. This week, we have a great time with our friend Michaela. She takes us through the first half of the episode, really just telling us about her life and the second half it gets truly, Hey, here's what I went through.

And here's what I did. To be free. So enjoy the entertainment and the, I don't want to say entertainment of her life, but enjoy McKayla's [00:01:00] story. And then in the second half, get ready to take notes so you can do it too. McKayla has her 38 triple D method, triple D. It's not about her chest. And she talks about that in the episode, but at 38 she had a deal with disability divorce.

And death. And she's going to talk about that through this episode. So see how McKayla dealt with it. And you can too, in this special bonus episode of the remarkable people podcast, Mikayla is an author. She is a friend and she is someone that keeps going despite what life throws at her. So she's someone that you can learn from.

I can learn from, we could all learn from one another and grow together. So enjoy this episode of the podcast before we start the episode, though, I just want to take a [00:02:00] moment and thank you for listening. Thank you for being part of the show. Thank you for telling your friends about it. Thank you for being there as we grow.

And I'm going to actually ask you for help. If you don't mind, if you know somebody that has a blog, or maybe you have a blog, if you know somebody that has a podcast, or maybe you have a podcast, so I'm going to this. If you know someone that has a social media outlet or some kind of format that reaches people, small groups, big groups, if you could tell them about the show, I would love to get featured.

And not to be featured for Dave Pasqualone to get famous or for the remarkable people podcast to grow for growth's sake. I want the show to grow so we can help more people and we can glorify God. And the catalyst that's usually used in a podcast to explode. It is when [00:03:00] people featured on their blog and their podcast in their email blast and a magazine article.

So if you, or you know, someone who has that, it would be a huge honor and blessing. If you think the show's worthy of that to spread the message. So we have. Episodes for the last year. They're evergreen episodes pick the one you like most maybe for it to them and say, Hey, what do you think about this show?

You think you could tell your tribe? That would be awesome. So I'm asking you for help. If you can, that's fantastic. But if you need help, like always in every episode, write me at me, David  dot com go to our website, hit the contact us page only. I'll see that. Just send it in and let me know how I can help you.

So I'm David Pascoe alone. This episode is the McKayla Cox. Enjoy it. And I can't wait to see you this week and next week and weeks to [00:04:00] come. See you soon. Enjoy the episode.

PART 3 RPP E61 Michaela S Cox: [00:04:03] Hey McKayla. How are you today? I'm good. How are you? Oh man. Excellent. And I'm thankful you're here today. I appreciate you. I know we had to reschedule ons cause my crazy schedule and I know you have a crazy schedule, so I'm glad we can meet and bring your story to our audience. So yeah, looking forward to it.

Oh, excellent. Okay, excellent. So like we start off all our shows. The format that we use is you just tell your story, what you faced in your life, how you overcame it. That way our listeners can too, then we'll transition at the end to where you today. So our community and the remarkable community can help you get there.

So at this time, McKayla, we're all waiting to hear your story. So please share it with us. All right. I'm a Sev a multi time published author. I've got seven at this point. I'm desperately [00:05:00] trying to find, finish another one. Right now. I'm a little behind schedule, but whatever it'll work itself out, I call my story.

38 triple D has nothing to do with my garment size. It is a journey that I've traveled that involves lifelong disability of legal blindness from birth. And I've never taken a breath or a day where I haven't had. Disability or been visually impaired or something. So it's my normal, I don't know anything different, so it's not like I had 20, 20.

And then all of a sudden, you know, we got skirt. It's always been that way. It always will be. And then the second D is I was divorced at 26 from a very interesting first marriage. Yeah. And then I was fortunate enough to meet my chapter two, who was the love of my life and tragically and unexpectedly at 38, which was right at four years ago, we lost him.

He passed away. And so then I [00:06:00] got thrown into widowhood and solo parenting all by the age of 38. What do you want to know? Oh, well that's a lot to unpack right there. So let's start off with the blindness and I'm in the deafness. Sorry. I'm being blinded by this light in my face. Do you want me to start?

No, not yours. Mine. I'm looking at the camera and I have a halo light. Yours is perfectly fine. Sometimes that lamp behind me. I don't know if it does reflection or no. We're good. I apologize. So talk about that. What was it like dealing with that disability and how did you learn to accept it and overcome and just say, Hey, that's who I am.

It's how God made me let's move forward. Well, that's it. That's what you have to do, especially when you come. I mean, I'm not discounting people who are born. I don't want to say normal because I mean really what the crap is normal, but I mean, normal and related to not having a disability and then some life [00:07:00] major event changes it.

And then they're all of a sudden disabled most, you know what I mean? It's an adjustment. I mean, it's always an adjustment, but it's something different to have it your whole life, because. You don't know the difference. It just is what it is. You know, you either do it or you don't, you know, you're either going to do something with it or you're not, there's no other choice.

I mean, there is a choice, but not really. It's your whole life. It's, like I said, there's not been one breath that I've taken in this life or one day that I haven't had where I was either totally blind or legally blind or visually impaired or whatever. It's just my whole life existence. And it always will be the story behind it is.

I was, I'm fixing to show my age. I'll be 43 in November. I was born in 78. I was born in Houston, Texas. That's where my parents were living at the time. And I mean, they had no expectation of anything. I mean, you're. I don't know, you have kids, you know, a lot of people do so you don't go into thinking, oh my God, my kid's [00:08:00] going to come out disabled.

You know, they were expecting a healthy north, you know, every once in a healthy normal baby, but then I was born and there's no family history of it. There's no genetics of it because my kids don't have it. Thank God. But I got diagnosed when I was three months old of being totally blind. I mean, totally dark, totally blind.

I mean, there's a lot of variants of blindness for anyone who doesn't know. It's like, some people say I'm blind, but I can see shades or shadows or whatever, but no total blindness. And then, because we're a family of faith and we're Christians and, you know, I was brought up that way. I've been a Christian since I was five.

You know, I remember not much in my life before I made my profession of faith. Cause he remembers much before they're five, but. At seven months old, we believe God did a miracle because my mom told me that when she went to go get me out of my crib or whatever, that she saw me look at her for the first time.

And I've never looked at her and she could tell that I was looking at her. And so it [00:09:00] went from being totally blind to visually impaired. And the doctors, of course, you know how science is, they can't explain it. They couldn't explain why I was blind when I shouldn't be and why I was seeing when I shouldn't have been and, you know, blah, blah, blah.

And so I do have my site. I have for most of my life, it's just impaired. And for the better part of adulthood been, what's considered legally blind. I don't know if anyone who's not aware of what that means. It basically means why you see you're considered blind within the parameters of what the law defines as blindness, because it meets the metrics of like, when you go to the eye doctor, And you know, that, that whole thing of 2020 and the further you get away from 2020, the worst off your vision is well legal blindness.

I believe if I remember correctly is either 2200 to 2,400 on corrected vision. Meaning they can't there's you, that's what you see without correction. I don't want to make it sound too elementary, but I don't know who knows [00:10:00] what, and I'm not really good with the jargon, but anyway, and the root of mind, the reason why it's not fixable, there's a lot of factors that go into mind per se.

But the main thing is my optic nerve is totally shot.

What nerve is that? The optic nerve. Oh, optic nerve. Okay. Yeah, it's totally jacked. Like if you've ever been in an anatomy and physiology class or, you know, been in your eye doctor and then like you've seen her like a chart or a graph of the eye, my optic nerve is totally shot. It's like supposed to be a certain color and a certain shape.

Nah, mine doesn't look that way. It's totally messed up. So it means the. The bloodstream doesn't get to go. This is the way it was explained to me that there's any medical doctors out there listening. They'll probably going, she's totally miss explained, not explaining this correctly, but they can correct me later.

The way I, this is your story of, if somebody wants to [00:11:00] confirm the medical science, they can Google it. Yeah. But I'm just saying I'm probably not, you know, the jargon, I'm a lay person. I did not get a medical degree, but anyway, I was always told growing up that it meant that the bloodstream can't flow through it the way it's supposed to therefore sending the receptors to the brain to trigger off the signals for the eye to perceive what it's supposed to.

So a lot of times things don't register with me until like someone says, you don't see, oh, there it is. And it takes me way longer and it's delayed and. It's a crap show. And then, then you add an astigmatism, the stigmatism crappy depth perception, crappy peripheral. And near-sightedness yeah, there you go.

There's like, instead of a trifecta, you have like a six spectrum. That's awesome. So what's life like now, like growing up and having, you're not totally blind, so that's a blessing, but you have the legal blindness, what's it like to just interpret the world? Like, how do you see the world? Like, can you drive, can [00:12:00] you mean, how do you mean legal blindness and driving?

Don't go together. I mean, I, I say this is a joke, but it's not a joke. I'm never drunk. So, but I might as well be because that's like might as well, probably the way I would drive on the road and be looked like I was like, the cops would probably think they need to pull me over for drunk driving, but it's not, it's just, I'm sober.

I promise. I just can't see where the Nang, probably not the best combination for everybody else on the road. Right. Yeah. Now that's interesting too. So now when you're talking to someone, can you see their faces? Is it clear or is it blurry? It is. Unless it's like really far away, like, I may be able to see that someone is near, like down distant twice and know that they're there, but I won't details the further away you are, the less I'll be able to do it clearly.

You know what I'm saying? And then it also depends on like what time of day it is, how good the lighting [00:13:00] is, what size, what font, if we're talking about, you know, texts, you know, or how big it is, you know, it's all these different, what contrast there is. It's if I've been working on my computer a lot, it's like I said, it's not cut and dry.

It's really complicated now. How has that affected your communication relationships? Because a lot of times when people lose one sense, their other senses are heightened. How has that helped you or hurt you in that area? All of mine are except for my sense of smell, which is really odd because you would think my sense of smell would usually be totally like awesome, which for most people it is when they're in this situation, mine is not.

And the reason why that is, and I never could figure it out until I was like an adult. Cause I never thought about it or realize that to someone to explain it to me, the place on the brainstem, where the optic nervous is the same place where the old factory is the allows you to smell. So if one's Jack, then they're both probably jacked.

So [00:14:00] both of them got paired up for whatever reason. So yeah. That's why I don't smell very well. I, I smell very few things and I CA I usually can't stand any of them, but anyway so yes, my hearing is way incredible. My touch is hypersensitive. My T my palate and my taste buds are hypersensitive, or that's what I always attribute it to was like, they had to make up for it because like, I'll eat food and everyone's saying, it's not spicy.

I'm like, no, that's spicy. He's like, what are you talking? I'm like, it's spicy. Trust me. Just don't argue with me. So, and my memory is insane. And So, yeah, and like I always growing up as a kid, I always had special accommodations and I don't know what they're calling them now. But back in the day they were called IEP individual education plans.

Like something where you go to your parents, go with the principal, the guidance counselor, and the teachers I meet, okay, this is what we need to do this year. This is what she needs. You know, I was always the kid on the front row. I was always the kid that had extended [00:15:00] test time and had to take tests differently.

And depending on what year we're talking about, had different equipment with her, you know, all the things. Okay. So relationships let's focus on that for a second. How does this affect the way you communicate with people and how did you learn to overcome and adapt to that? It doesn't really affect how I communicate with people in the sense, except like the two things I would say probably an actual interaction, you know, You know how a lot of people will come up to you and say, Hey, I remember you from so-and-so or whatever.

I don't do that because I can't trust my eyes to not risk making a social rear-end of myself. So I've learned to keep my mouth shut because it's not worth the risk. Now, if they come to me and I hear their voice or I trigger something, they're like, oh yeah, yeah. And then I'll reciprocate or whatever. And then, you know how they say [00:16:00] nonverbal communication is like, I don't know, 70, 90% of our expression.

Yeah. Most studies say 70 plus. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. So I get that and I get it and I understand why, but unfortunately if it's visual body language, nonverbal, body language cues, I don't, even if I thought I might have a chance of being correct. Unless I know you really well. I am not going to go by that because I don't trust my eyes to read it accurately.

And I don't want to assume anything because we know how that goes. So what I do instead is I go by tone. And if I know you really well, or even just a little, well, nine times out of 10, excuse me, you're not going to be able to get anything by me on tone. I may not be able to know what it is exactly, but I can tell something up is by tone.

Yeah. And tone is huge. I agree with you. That's why I hate text messages. There's no tone with an email. You have a longer format, so you can compensate a little, but with text messages, you have [00:17:00] no tone and it just, and you have no context. It's like you have no syntax to put on it. You don't know. It's not my favorite either.

Okay. You're growing up. You have some senses that are hypersensitive. You have some senses that are, let's say dulled, and then you're going through and you. Get to the point where you meet someone and you said you got married the first time. Talk about that experience as deep as you want, or as shallow as you want.

I'll talk about it as deep as you want, but it's probably TMI. Just the basics of what did you face? What did you learn and how did you grow up? Oh, he hated, oh my gosh. He hated so much my memory. Because there wasn't anything I would forget. He always said I was keeping score, but I wasn't wanting, sorry, dude.

You just have to have a wife that has a really good memory. And he hated that he couldn't get anything past my tone. He cause he hated that. I always knew something was up [00:18:00] like, sorry, doughnuts tell you. But no, we hadn't. We met in college. We were freshman year. Well my freshman year actually, because we're the same age, but he w I was the, you know, I'm going to November baby.

So I had that whole late birthday thing. So I should have technically graduated in 96, but I graduated in 97. So he was, we were the same age, nine months apart, practically, literally that was a fun conversation. So he was already a freshman when I started at the university we went to, and so we met my freshman year and then we started dating at the end of it.

And then we were college sweethearts got married right after graduation. Like most people do, you know, you. Join us adulthood assigned to get married, you know, start all that. And we realized pretty quickly there were issues I'm in the bedroom or lack thereof in the bedroom. If any, one of your audience has ever [00:19:00] watched a show that probably isn't one that I should watch, but I love it.

And I don't care sex in the city, the character played. What was her name? I forgot who played her. I forget, but her name was Charlotte York. And in her first marriage was two train the Dougal. And if anyone out there knows what I'm talking about, you know, that they Trey had issues in the bedroom as well.

And he also was plagued by a little internet addiction. So we had similar problems. There was lack of intimacy and Challenges regarding accomplishing what you're supposed to in marriage. And we discovered that he had an addiction on the internet. If you understand what I'm putting down with trying to be somewhat discreet.

Well, let's just say a porn addiction and a lot of men, a lot of women it's an epidemic right now and they get involved in porn and then they can't perform in real life. Exactly. [00:20:00] Yes. It's a, it's a real thing. People think, oh, porn is okay and we can get involved in porn and everything's good. And guys and girls right now, the statistical rate, we had an episode, Rob Jackson, he's a counselor, great guy.

All he deals with is addictions and mainly sexual addictions. And when he was talking in the episode, we were talking about how right now more women statistically are getting addicted to pornography than men. So there's still more men involved in it. I figured it would have been the other way around.

What it's saying is it's growing so fast, men and women that it's out of your mind. But what we're seeing is that fantasy world of pornography desensitizes you for real life, people are becoming impotent and they're being like, not be able to perform in the bedroom because they've gone into a bad place mentally and they didn't realize it till it's too late.

So [00:21:00] it takes a lot to get back out. So if I'm hearing you, you got into marriage like that. And then how long did that marriage last three years where we were actually living together as a couple. And then by the time we got divorced, it had almost been four years. And by that point it was February of oh five because we got married and may have a one, but that, I mean, that was the problem, but it was also symptomatic of a bigger problem because.

I'll never solve the mystery because he never would be willing to figure it out. I mean, I have my theories, but I never could substantiate them. He unfortunately had an, I don't fault him for having it because we all have baggage. We all have issues. The bigger issue as us, he didn't want to address whatever was causing him to turn to the porn addiction and what was deeper seated in why he did what he did.

And he never wanted to figure those demons. I don't mean literal demons, but those [00:22:00] personal demons or ghost out that were hunting him. No, man, that's very intuitive, very true. He was medicating his pain, but he didn't want to face it. And then what you're saying is I always say that we all have demons inside of us, not demons, praise.

If we don't have real demons inside of us, that's a big issue. But the things that haunt us in the past. So, so how did that affect you? You know, you go into marriage, you think it's forever and then. It's not how, how did you, I wasn't great. Believe in divorce. I still don't believe in divorce. I mean, my parents, oh God it'll be, or Hey, we're in 2021, they got married.

It'll be 47 years. This November. And they've been together for all, I guess. Yeah. In October it'll be 50 years. Cause I think they were together three years before they got married. So like half there, half a century between dating and marriage, I would say that's how it should be, right? Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

I came from a two-parent happily. I mean their marriage [00:23:00] wasn't perfect. I don't know a lot about it because it's behind closed doors, but w but this file appearances and solid, strong, happy, you know, the test of time for almost five decades. My mom's parents were married for 28 years. They would've been the same way, but he unfortunately died of lung cancer at a young age.

So they were together for almost 30 years. My dad's parents were. I dunno. I think I got married in 45. She died in the eighties, so I don't know, 30 something years and no one in our family got divorced until the grandkids meeting my generation. So we weren't raised in it. We weren't raised to believe in it.

So it was very hard. It's something I never wanted to be. You don't go to the altar saying we're going to get married and get divorced in two years. Let's do it. No one does that. So how did you recover from that? I did struggle with it for a long time because I had to at least get to the point where I knew I had to leave because it wasn't a [00:24:00] healthy, good relationship anymore.

And I couldn't emotionally go round two, three, four, five, and six. And it wasn't what should have been done. I mean, it was obviously a marriage that wasn't the way it was supposed to be. I mean, we were. I was still a Virgin two years into it. Okay. I was 24 before I lost my virginity. And I'd been married for almost two years after that point.

There's something seriously screwed up there. Okay. Yeah. I mean, usually you wait till you're married. No, no, no, not you I'm saying for him, like that's what I'm saying is that I waited two more years after the fact that was the problem. Oh man. I'm sorry to hear that. That's yeah, so obviously it wasn't right.

And I mean, what happened was as far as like his parents were divorced and then unfortunately when he was 17, he lost his father and not a good way. Suicide is a big problem in our society. So I think [00:25:00] it was that I think it was his parents' divorce compounded probably by the death of his father at 17.

I don't know that my speculation, you know, I'm not gonna, he's not here to defend himself. That's, you know, we haven't had to. Be in each other's lives for 16 years, whatever. But because we didn't have obviously have kids, you kind of have to do things to have kids, but yeah. So kind of problem there.

It's not like we had immaculate conception again. Did you move on, like after you were married and you ha you got divorced and then you move on, you said you married another man who was the love of your life. How did that work? That was amazing. I wouldn't have gotten married again, if it was going to be another crop show.

Cause I value the sanctity of marriage too much and the vows, so it was everything I ever wanted. But in the meantime, while I was kind of on my own for 10 months or almost a year bef while separated and then actually legally divorced, I [00:26:00] just kind of, I got into counseling. I did divorce care. It's a great program.

I don't know if you've heard of it. I just kind of just. Reset and reboot and figure out what I wanted next and what was trying to figure out what I wanted and who I was and sound not, not about me and sense of find me, but find myself after getting lost and all that crap show of a very interesting first marriage and divorce, you know?

Yeah. And for our listeners, the format of the show is you not only talk about what you did, but how you did it. Do you remember how you healed, how you push them past behind you and move forward, edit it through counseling and divorce care. I was back in where my parents live. So I was around all my girlfriends and I just kind of just took a year to just kind of refocus, figure out what now.

And as I went, you kind of find the things you want to [00:27:00] do. And I decided to try new things and just kind of discover myself again and get away from all the yuck and just kind of not reinvent myself. Cause I was still me, but. Just to figure out what I wanted next, you know? So now between that point in life and where you are today, take us through that part

as far as like, after being divorced and remarried. Yes. So what's going on in your time? Like I know you're an author and you have a lot going on. So, I mean, we don't have sections in our life where everything's compartmentalized. You have multiple things going on at once. So while all this journey's happening, what's going on on that.

Right. Well, I've all, as far as writing, I've always written. I, I've never not written when I'm not writing. I'm thinking about it. It's just who I am is what I do. I've always had words figured I didn't have much else. So I had a voice, we all have stories. We all have a voice and they need to be expressed and in us to give to the [00:28:00] world, whatever.

And so I just, I was writing when I was a kid, I was a little bit of a weird kid. I decided in second grade I had something to say. And so I wrote an editorial and not only did I write an editorial, I wrote it on politics. In the sense of, I was thought it was ridiculous that you can burn the flag in this country.

So I had to make my opinion be known. Well, that's good. I'd rather hear what somebody says. If they don't agree with me, then have people be quiet and be psycho. So it's good if you're standing up for God and country. So, yeah, so I started doing that for young age. I wrote my first point when I was like in fourth grade now, obviously I don't right now what I wrote them, but it's always been a part of my life.

The first book I ever wrote heartfelt meditations, which is a poetry collection. I started picking at it like eighth or ninth grade. And the reason why I picked editors comes back to this ability thing. When I'm in school, I don't have time for anything else because while I'm good at school and I'm a hard worker and I don't mind doing what it takes to get the job done, it takes me a really long time to do it.

[00:29:00] So I don't really have, like, I wasn't that kid that worked two jobs in college college was my job. Like I went to class, I came home, I worked with readers for 20, 30 hours a week, which was, would have been my part-time job somewhere else. And then when they left, I did my homework. So there was no time for anything else.

So I had to pick up my personal projects when I'm in school. And so I did that off and on for, I don't know, 11 years. And then I got distracted by life. Finally published it in 2011. And then brilliant idea by this point, I was already in New Hampshire with my second husband, the one that passed away and okay.

I have eight month old. I need to go to grad school right now. Yeah, that probably wasn't well thought out, but, you know, Hey, I survived. So I didn't have time to write for me. I was writing for all the professors. And all the things and history class and poly side. Cause that's what I got my master's and then I have a BA in sociology with a double minor in [00:30:00] English and history.

No, I can't do one thing. And I have a master's in political science and American government with an ancient what's a grad certificate in ancient classical history. I'm very much liberal arts, math and sciences. Aren't my friends. I don't get along well with, with math. I don't play well with algebra, not so much.

So why was writing in grad school for all the professors? I had all these ideas that I didn't get to really do anything with for five years, cause I was in grad school. So I sat on them. And then when I got out June of 2016 it was an amazing feeling to be done with grad school and get the 50 hours back in my week time.

Like what do I do? I don't have a paper to write. I don't have a deadline. This is amazing. I was totally psyched, but so once I took a month off and said, I'm not looking at a book, I don't wanna hear the word book. I'm not doing nothing I'm taking my mind is literally taking a month off. [00:31:00] I let my daughter get back into school that summer after the summer.

And then I traded nap time and nighttime for grad school work for writing time. So I wrote my first three books on motherhood, the other two aren't out yet because I started other series in the meantime. And then that, and I was almost done with the third book. And then for lack of a better term, cause I don't really know how else to describe it was on track for doing that.

And then April of 2017 is when all hell broke loose because that's when I had to scramble and kind of reinvent our lives and put our crumbling world back together after the passing of my husband. So I didn't really write for a year cause I became widow and solo mom, literally in a blink of an eye on April 4th of 2017.

So that was, yeah, that's kind of what I've been doing for the last four years is. Being a mom in Louisiana raising my two kids and writing and podcasting. It's great. You've got so much going on. Yeah. How are you doing now with the [00:32:00] loss of your husband? Do you feel like you're, I mean, I don't know if you'll ever fully heal, but do you feel like you're healed and in a healthy place, are you still dealing with the loss?

You always deal with it. You don't, it doesn't go. Sorry. My cat is no way. Sorry. You never, it doesn't ever go away it some days are better. Some days aren't you learn to get really comfortable with. What's been called the world of an both. It's very rarely engraved. Just one thing. It's usually a multitude of things.

And I'm one moment. Even things that are good and happy, usually are tainted was the small twinge of yeah. And, or boasts, or I wish, you know, what they're missing or what the kids are missing. Because my babies are our babies. When he died, when John died, they were six and three, not the youngest I've ever heard of, but they were [00:33:00] pretty young to have a, such a substantial hard hit in life.

So, I mean, they're now 10 and seven. There'll be eight and 11 and August. So my daughter remembers more, but my son, he was three. That was it. He's not going to have many memories of John actual own memories of John. So their lives are going to be, you know, God-willing, they have a good, long, happy life. The fraction of the time of their lives, they actually had with their father.

Heavenly earthly father on earth is going to be a minuscule fraction to the actual longevity of their lives. Yeah. Yes, absolutely. So how, how does life look for you now? McKayla each day by day? Where are you at today? Like it's been four years, so it's definitely changed. It's very much a fluid journey.

It evolves, you know, it's, people would like to think grief is, you know, and I was probably naive [00:34:00] before I experienced it to thinking, okay, the phases of grief, you know, you go through that one and you check the box off and you're done with it. No, it doesn't really work that way. It's not very linear. It kind of, well, it's not, it's not consistent and stable and there's a distinct amount of time.

No, there's not. I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but there's not, life is. Sucks. And it's unfair and it's unjust and it's not like that. We may want it to be that way because it would be so much easier and neater and cleaner and simple. But no, it doesn't work that way. I hate to tell everyone that there's your, there's your there's your reality check for the day?

It doesn't work that way. I'm here to tell you let's make that a central point of this life happens. Good, bad, ugly, messy. How do you deal with it? Mikayla, you're talking to the audience. Now we have listeners from all over the world. How did you learn to deal with life? Like if you were to give steps, just like, Hey, this is a good process to try.

See if it works for you. It works for me [00:35:00] is not an easy one. It never is. Oh, no. Agreed. If it was easy, everybody would do it, right? Yeah, no crap. We wouldn't have a counselors and coaches. Yeah. All the pharmaceutical. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with your environment and Lord knows I'm on a fixer, but, and thank God, but in counseling, but you know, we wouldn't need all the pharmaceutical companies saying here, take this pill, feel better, you know, whatever.

No, but yeah, I do want to point out to our audience. I think we're tracking the same. Is there a not knocking it? That's what's really needed go forth, be married. God speed. But I'm just saying, that's my point. If it was that easy, we wouldn't need all those extra things to help us along the way, which I'm all for getting help.

I'm not saying I'm not trust me. I was with my counselor yesterday and I tell her all the time I don't live paycheck to paycheck. I live counseling session to counseling session. I have no shame. I will claim it. And I am grateful. It keeps this mama saying. And when mama saying, everybody's saying. [00:36:00] Yeah. No, no.

And that's what I want to clarify. There's some cultures and some even just mindsets that everything to do with psychology and counseling and pharmaceuticals is wrong and not, no, it's not a healthy mindset. And there's a lot of shame involved there. Like, why am I always upset or sad? Or why am I struggling?

Or why can't I shake this funk? And there's, you know, God made science, nutrition, God, God made science, God made these materials and the good pharmaceutical companies, they literally just take what God made and mass produce it. And a lot of times they make it synthetic, but they mass produce it. So he gave us the smarts and the brains and the intellect to figure it out, to go make it.

Yes, exactly. So I don't think we should medicate for life and not. Go to the root of the problem, right? We need to use the [00:37:00] pharmaceuticals as needed till we can heal. And there are some conditions, like I just found out after 43 years, I'm 44 now, but I just found out last year I have actual genetic. I don't even know what it's called, but my brain doesn't get the nutrients it needs.

And so when they took the chart, they took blood tests and they're like, holy crap. Like, I was like almost starved of all these nutrients. So I started taking the supplement and I'm like, wow, what a game? Right. Cause there's a lot of shame in medicine. There's a lot of shame and you know, counseling and I have no shame.

I claim it. I'm grateful. I'm happy. Thank God. This is a good week in the cocktail. So when my house gets cleaned by my housekeeper and I see my counselor and I get to ride mama, happy, insane. Let's go. Let's do it. So. So, okay. So now talking about that, you got, you know, you're, you're seeing a counselor, you got the [00:38:00] medicine to help you, but how do you deal with things on a day by day?

So if someone's listening and they don't have access right now, or they aren't using a doctor and a counselor, but they don't have, they still don't have that piece. What do you recommend to them? What, what kind of, I think that I've been talking about lately that it's not for everyone, or you have to find your own version within what I'm fixing to say, because we're all unique individuals and have different interests in different ways, relate to the world in this, that or the other.

Cause that's what makes us the world so fun and life interesting. Cause we're all different and unique. Okay. Well, first of all, it's obviously my face. It's always been that way. Since I've had my face I feel like a lot of what I'm fixing to say is universal and applicable to anyone. In any type of suffering, whether mine is the same as theirs or theirs is the same on mine.

I mean, I've been through a certain set of things that are very trying, but I've not been through other ones that are equally as trying. I [00:39:00] mean, suffering is suffering. Pain is pain. Grief is grief, but it's all different journeys and methods through which you come to that because unfortunately in this fallen world, we live in, we, none of us get out of this world unscathed, we're going to have something.

Right. And so I feel like this could help anybody in any situation, no matter what the tribulation is. And then I feel like even though I didn't know that I would go through the second D and third D in my life, I feel like the foundation for these lessons was kind of, that would help me later on in life or late, probably early in life because of the disability, because I needed them for that as well.

The first thing I would say is. Life is a choice. And what I mean by that is we get to choose what we do with it. We may not get to choose what we're given or circumstances like, okay, you're playing cards, right? Poker, spades, whatever, Rook, I don't care. Pick one. [00:40:00] And you're dealt. Yeah, exactly. Wait, you're dealt whatever amount of cards you have to have to play that game.

You don't get to pick those cards that come out of the deck to you. But hopefully if you're a good card player, especially if you're playing poker, but you will strategically play those cards in a way that helps you achieve the goal of winning that card game or that hand you get power and control over how you play that card.

You didn't control that was given to you, but you can control it when you play it in the hand or the game or in the case of an artisan. Okay. You're a particular type of artist use or like watercolors or pastels or oils or whatever. You're either a sculptor or you work with clay, whatever, but you're hired to do a job.

And we all know when you're hired to do a job, whoever is paying you, they're the boss. So you have to do it. They say, well, this particular boss or person who hired, you says, I want you to do this. And [00:41:00] well, whatever that is, they want you to do. That's not your preferred art form. Well, that sucks. I'm not, I don't like doing that.

Well, I have to do it right. Okay, fine. I'll do it. But you're in charge of, you may not have picked that type of art they want you to make, but you're still as the artists that in charge of what you decide to portray on those materials and how beautiful you can make it within that area that you've been given.

So my point is through those two analogies. I know that's a really long-winded answer. I didn't choose to be completely born blind. I mean, I hadn't taken my first breath and I was already disabled and didn't know it. I may have chosen to walk away from my first marriage. Yes. But I didn't choose that the person I was married to his past would bite him and me in the butt basically.

And he was not willing to do what he had to, to fix it. I didn't choose that his bad choices and behavior. And I dang sure didn't choose to lose the love of my life and my children to be raised without their [00:42:00] father. I wasn't asked to consult it if I wanted any of those crap shows, but I have them. So it's up to me and it's under my control to decide what to do with them.

I can, is it always easy? No. Is it always the best, you know, the simplest thing to do. Do I sometimes have to fight it. Yes, we all do. But still at the end of the day, no matter how hard it is, it still comes down to a simple choice of what are you going to do with it? Are you going to let it define you or are you going to define it for what you want for your life going forward?

That's the first one. Yeah. And I think that's excellent. Excellent advice. And the mindset saying, is it going to define me, are you going to define it? I think there's always moments we have where we're strong and we're solid. And then, you know, the moments where we [00:43:00] weaken on that, how do you stay consistent in that mindset and make sure that, you know, when you feel that way you keep it going during the hard times.

Well, that's just, it it's those two things right there. Cause you mentioned mindset, which that's my next one. Now I get to say, and I want to explain that because like I was raised with the idea of part of the thing was the doctors because they never, there's not, as far as I know, I don't have actual data on this, but I can personally tell you in my life experience, I've not been around a lot of people who have optic nerve atrophy, which is what it's called when you're dealing with the optic nerve that I described earlier.

I don't know many people that have a screwed up nerve. Okay. You hear about Musk. You hear about oh, what's the word I'm trying to say. Glaucoma, you hear about maybe RP retina, Pinot ptosis, and you're like other common factors or, you know, you're just getting old and your eyes are. You know, changing, but there's not a lot of people that I [00:44:00] know of that are walking around with optic nerve atrophy.

And we are talking about in the seventies. So even though we don't have all the medical advancements that we have now, they definitely didn't have them back then. So they didn't really know what to tell my parents like, oh, she'll be able to do this. Or she won't be able to do that. Like don't expect, like they didn't know what it was going to look like to live a life like that.

So my parents kind of took the attitude of, well, okay. We're not sure, but let's just see what she does and see where she goes with it and just let her kind of let see what happens, you know, maybe it'll be okay and maybe she'll end up figuring out how to do really great, you know, they helped me. I'm not saying that, but let's, don't limit her basically.

Let's just see where it goes. And so I was always raised with that and I was always raised with you. Don't quit. You don't give up, you don't stop and you do your best. And so I've always chosen to have the mindset, the thought process of not quitting, not giving up. It wasn't an option. I didn't stop. I did what I had to [00:45:00] do and I do my best and I make the most of it.

And I do what I got to do. And it requires a lot of determination, a lot of tenacity, a lot of grit, a lot of hard work, elbow grease, whatever you want to call it. It requires a lot of perseverance and persistence stubbornness. Probably some people would call it. I am a wreck and I am a Scorpio and I'm a Texas Southern girl.

So yeah, I got a lot of helping of stubbornness on that department. Some people think that's good. Some people don't up to their perception and interpretation for better, for worse. It is what it is. Yeah. And that healthy mindset is so crucial. And I know we had a guest on the show. Do you know max Ivy, by any chance, the blind blogger, I've heard the name.

Yeah. Yeah, he was, he was born in a carnival family and he got, as he got older and older, he got like, like 99% blind, like yeah. I think it was called [00:46:00] retina pigment. Ptosis. Yeah. That's one of the ones who mentioned it's RP. Cause I had a girlfriend when I lived in Texas that had it. And usually you have your visits the way I understand it.

I mean, I'm sure it's different with each case because that's the thing about vision problems. You could have a hundred people, one room with the exact same problem. And one little tweak is going to affect each one of them different. It's really bizarre the nature of vision problems, but she had her vision.

And then usually if I understand correctly, when with retina Pinot ptosis, RP, his eye, cause it's just easier to say you generally don't start losing your vision and it's a gradual process until adolescence or adulthood. Yeah. And that's what he had. He had it later, so he was born with sight and then it started going away and yeah.

Yeah. And so he had that journey like you're discussing, but the thing was, his parents didn't treat him like he was disabled. The dad's like make the most of it, smile, adapt, and overcome. And like, you, you know, you didn't, you got [00:47:00] degrees and you're writing books and you're moving forward and you know, okay, so we have failures and setbacks, you keep moving forward and that's such a great attitude.

And then I'm thinking of another guest. We had Joel Johnson on here. And I don't know if we ever discussed her profession, but she's actually an eye doctor. And I'm Tom. I don't even know. I think it's whether it's an optometrist or something more advanced, I don't want to discredit you at all, but she's, you know, a specialist of the eyes.

So in private, we had a lot of conversation about it. I always that distinction that needs to be made here. I'm not disagreeing with you, but what I'm saying, there's a difference between not treating you as you're disabled because you. What your kid, if you're a parent who's raising a disabled kid and whatever the disability is to like, they can go forward and do what they need to do versus ignoring it.

Because even when you raise your kid with knowing they have the complete freedom to go five and do what they want to do, you still have to acknowledge it so that you're willing to face it, to get them the [00:48:00] help they need and the resources. So they can go forward and start. There's a difference between doing that and denying it like, oh, you're not disabled.

You, you know, we don't have to worry. No, no, no. Those are two totally separate different issues. Oh, a hundred percent. A hundred percent agree. A hundred percent. Right? Those are usually the decision. Well, people that kind of get a little more screwed up in the head because their parents denied it or disregarded it or treated them in a bad way that didn't help serve them.

Well in life going forward, that's usually a lot to do with when you have a. Person a over here, disabled versus person B and their, their lives look totally different. That usually has a lot to do with it. Yeah. I was talking about the adapt and overcome mentality. We ignore. Yeah. I just want to make that clear for the audience.

I knew what you were saying. I'm just, and no, that's thank you for clear, clarify away and you don't have to agree. We can, you know what I mean? You can always, whatever you think is truth, you speak it. So you, now I keep going because these are great principles, so yeah. Okay. So the first one is life is a [00:49:00] choice.

Okay. I can decide what to do that I can define it, whatever, not let it define me. And that's true across the board of any bad situation fibrillation, like, you know, I could have let the divorce divine me, or, you know, I'm trying not to let the death of my spouse define me. I'm not saying it's always easy.

I have better days and bad days, but whatever that, I think you said it quite rightly to go into mindset because I think our mindset. Helps us stay on track with our choices. Like when it's a really hard day, like, I don't feel like doing this hard choice. Well, you can choose the mindset of, okay, I'm going to be determined.

I'm going to kick that. I, yes, it's hard and I really don't want to do this, but I'm going to push through, I'm going to persevere or, you know, I'm going to try and in hard situations, I'm going to try to see the positivity and find the few things, simple things or big things to be grateful for and find the small things of joy or whatever, and not be a pessimist and try and be optimistic and see the better side of things or however you want to put it.

And I'm not [00:50:00] saying that's always easy. Lord knows over the last four years, I've had some days where I was probably at the better end of the spectrum of not really. Okay. Versus now some other days I'm like, okay, this is all right. I'm managing, I'm dealing whatever. So I'm not saying that's easy. That's not what I'm saying.

I'm just saying that you need that mindset. That's why we say in our society mind over matter. And that's why mindset is so essential. I feel like that, anything that, and that's why they say you set your mind to it. You can do anything. The mind is powerful. It can make all the difference in the world. And I think when you have a certain mindset, even when it's a hard day, okay, this is a simple example, but it illustrates a point.

Okay. We all know we need to work out. Okay. Well, let's admit it. Let's say you're a person likes to go to the gym. There are some days, man, that bit is just too comfy and you do not want to get your butt out of bed. Okay. But we all know we need to get our butt out of [00:51:00] bed and start our day. So it's that mindset of your, why or your whatever, like, okay.

I don't want to get up, but you know what? This would be really good for me. I'll feel better. All right, let's do this. And you motivate yourself through your mindset. To do what you know, you need to do. So the mindset can, I think in a way almost be the task master, not like you can be in control of your mind, but task masker of keeping you stay on task with the choices you've decided you want to make, because we know our mindset can often be the difference of where we find ourselves.

Are we going to be more depressed or more happy? And we also know that depending on what set of choices we make, takes us in a totally different direction. Had we chosen a different set of choices? So life is about choices and choosing what we want. And then our mindset oftentimes can help us stay in that direction.

Like the choices we make, okay. I'm going to keep achieving my goals. I'm going to keep going for it. That has a lot to do with our mindset and helping us to stay true to those choices that we decided we wanted. [00:52:00] And what's the best way you found to keep that healthy mindset. Sheer willpower for me, prayer, meditation, journaling, friends, counseling conversation, all of the above.

You just rattle those off, but see, that's the thing. Some of our people like, okay, well, I understand the importance of a healthy mindset, but how do I accomplish it? And, you know, I know there's a, there's a verse in the Bible that always helped me. It says commit that works unto the Lord. And I thought shall be established.

Like there's a lot of times I don't feel like doing something. I might be flat out sad and depressed and don't want to do anything. But by making myself go out by making myself do things, it just naturally brings that correct mindset. Is that what you've experienced as well? Yeah, and I, I rattle it off because I'm not just counting how hard it is, but [00:53:00] like when you literally had a whole life of disability, like I have, like, you were born into the world with it.

You never had a different reality. So you either chose to do something about it or you didn't. So literally, I don't know someone who's smarter than me in math. Let's let's because by November reporting three years, let's time out 365 plus leap years, time 43. I've never had a day or a moment where I didn't have to contend with that to figure out what am I going to do about this?

Or find a rate around something in with, because in different stages and phases in life, there's different challenges. So just because it was the same vision problem, there was always something new that I had to figure out, well, how am I going to do this thing? Like, you know what I mean? I didn't have to worry about driving when I was 14, because no one drives when they're 14.

Okay. But I mean, when it came to driving, I knew I wasn't going to be able to drive. So as an adult, I had to figure out how I was going to [00:54:00] get around. I didn't have to worry that I was a kid because your kid, your parents take you everywhere. But as an adult that doesn't, I'm not okay. I do live in a town as my parents and my parents do occasionally take me to places, but that's just because you know, things come up and I didn't have a backup plan or whatever, because when your kid gets sick, you can't really say you have a driver on speed dial.

Oh, my kid's sick this morning. I need to go. But it does a lot of planning. It. That's why I'm a very type a OCD person, a little annual routine of probably a little bit of perfectionist because my world works better when I have order and system in places and planning. Chaos is not my friend. Not my friend.

And I developed those things over the years to plan to account for like, okay, if I need to do this on whatever day, that means I need to back up and figure out a way to get there. So it's Monday on Thursday, blah, blah, blah. I need to do this, this, this to ensure that on Thursday, it's you see what I'm saying?

Does that make any sense? [00:55:00] Yeah. The structure and you move the confusion and chaos was structure and discipline and it helps you stay focused. If that what I'm hearing you say. Yeah. But it's also, it is that too, but it's also a logistical matter because I mean, you can't just snap your fingers and assume that, you know, if you wait till the last second, it'll all fall into place.

I mean, sometimes it does, but very rarely. I mean, usually, you know, you can make. A through J plans, an ACI is going to go to crap. So you need another one because life's not that convenient. But anyway, so I always have a lot of plans. I always have a lot of options. I always have a lot of choices. Like I try and have things in place to allow me to function and achieve what I want to achieve.

Like in college, I had an elementary, I went fifth through 12th grade doing audio books for textbooks. Well, in college I had readers because at that time, the audio book world and what the professors want, you know, like it's 2021, they want edition 2022, like five days ago. So at the time [00:56:00] the people that record books couldn't keep it how fast the professors wanted the newest and greatest material.

And I didn't have time in my dorm room to sit through. The sift through is edition three. Of this textbook and page 45, the pain just pay 60 or 30. In addition, I'm like, screw that. I'm not dealing with all that crap. I just hired readers and I'm like, I don't have time for that. So I hired readers and in case one couldn't come for whatever reason, I usually had two or three readers that would help me quarter it's always have backup plans because I couldn't afford to not get work done just because someone couldn't show up, it was my grade on the line, not theirs.

So yeah, that's, you know, just, it is to help me stay focused. You're correct. But it was also just a simple logistics thing to get around in a world that 90% of our learning and knowledge comes from vision. Well, when your main sense is screwed up and jacked, you have to find other ways around it. I can't move the mountain of my visual impairment, but I [00:57:00] can find ways around the mountain or adapt and overcome.

Yeah, go ahead. Nine times out of 10, if you're around me and you see me do something your safest bet is to assume she's probably doing that to get around her stupid vision. I hardly ever do anything without a reason to the method of my madness. That's awesome. Hey, and that's how it should be, you know, do everything decently in order, very conscious and aware.

Okay. So now in your principles, what other life principles have you learned that you've been writing about and sharing with people? Now? This was a hard one for me because I know you're, I'm glad I'm talking to you about this because you can give some light from a guy's perspective. Cause obviously I'm not a guy, I'm a girl.

So I don't know what it's like for you guys. I think it's equally important when you're going through a really hard season in life, as much as, as important [00:58:00] as life is a choice and mindset is, and this can help you stay on track with your mindset and stay focused and balanced and centered is the issue of self-care.

And I think it's an important issue because a lot of times I think it's been taught as it's selfish, but it's really not because, and even though it's a broad subject, because the way I define it is anything that involves you, caring for yourself, your needs, what you need to stay on track to stay focused, to stay more balanced and centered and sane and all that jazz.

Now. We're all different individuals. So that one person that may be a 30 minute run in the morning, that may be time on the treadmill. That may mean meditation. That may mean a really good strong prayer life or a good quiet time every day. I don't care how you do it. It may be for that busy mom, a 30 minute bath and peace and quiet.

And God helped me. If you open that door and disturb me, you're putting your life in danger, go away. I love you, but go away [00:59:00] type thing, you know, especially if her kids are little, like if you don't come get these kids, honey, you're going to be in trouble tonight. Get, I need five minutes now go away. I'll be better and nicer to all of y'all.

If you get me five minutes, you know, I was that young mama, you know, with in grad school with the three-year-old in a, you know, a newborn, you know, an infant. And I did my thesis when my daughter was three and my four month old son wasn't sleeping through the night. God helped me. I almost didn't make it.

I will never do that again. That was a rough semester. Yeah. And you know, a little sidebar here for anybody out there who's maybe. In their teens or maybe in their twenties and like, oh, should I go to grad school now? Or should I get my master's now? Or my MBA, this is my advice. And I definitely want you to chime in Mikayla, have kids and see that's the thing.

I've been a student and I've been teacher. I taught at a college and everybody's life is [01:00:00] different and nobody has like an answer for everybody. But my personal feelings are, if you can go get your undergrad and then go work and experience real life, then go back and get your master's and a doctorate.

It'll be so much richer and more rewarding and you'll get so much more out of it. How ever if you go. From college, ran into a grad program or doctoral program and you get it done, then you're going to have the rest of your time for free. And like McKayla had a juggle everything it's oh, not. Oh. And my husband was in grad school too.

And he was doing military obligations and we lived 26 hours away from friends and family. Okay. You want to talk about trifecta? There you go. Yeah. And that's a lot to juggle. So I mean, an easier journey is just get your degree knocked out back to back. But if you are looking for more deeper, rewarding [01:01:00] experience, then it's great to take a break, but it's not practical.

Like you said, having children and marriage and family and life that's tough, 50 hours a week, I think you said for your doctoral program. Yeah, it was my master's. That was just for masters. I'm not doing Dr. Delaney. I'm too old for that crap. You can have it. I'm done. There is something with the picture of between kindergarten through 12th grade, which you have to do.

Then college, another two attempts at grad school because life got changed and actual graduate program that I completed and graduated in massage therapy school that I can say out of 43 years, I have a letter. I have a year of schooling for every letter in the alphabet. There's something wrong with that picture.

I mean, I'm all for higher education, but that's. No I'm done. And the only time I want to be in school again is either if I'm teaching or I hear about my kid's schooling, that's it. I'm done. Goodbye. Yeah. I'm kind of with you. I love learning. I like the deadlines and the professors. [01:02:00] Yeah. The formal academia is a broken system in a lot of ways.

There's some value in it, but for the most part, it's just a money generation system. It's not even about learning and thinking and critical thinking anymore. Yeah, no, I can read a book and get more. I'll literally read a book or watch YouTube and I'll, I'll just be able to thank the Lord absorb and apply, but read the book and tell me what you want and I'll do my own thing.

Bye. Go away. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. So go on more. Are there more principles that you'd like to share in this episode before we wrap things up? I want to talk about self care a little bit more because I want to explain it. I don't know about for guys, but I think for women particularly. And guys probably have their own version of this.

I don't know. I can't speak to that. You can shed light on that as senior a man. I just don't know that perspective. I think for women, especially when we're young wives and moms, like I was in grad school, I wasn't a young wife per se, but a young mom, [01:03:00] cause I was 30 when I had my kids. Mainly because gone to that divorce and then I had to get help getting pregnant, not as hard as most women, but I still had a little help.

So I was a little bit delayed in that department. Yeah. I think we feel like we can't stop all the things we're supposed to be doing. Like we're the moms, we're the wives. We're the, the daughter, the daughter-in-law the sister, the aunt, the best friend, the woman at work, the colleagues, the boss, the niece, the girlfriend, the whatever, fill in the blank.

And it's all these hats and it's all these roles and it's like, we honestly want to do everything. Everything for everyone. And we want to, because we love them, but we don't ever think or feel like we can go, wait a minute. I need five minutes. I need something. Because what I like to say is we're a well, right?

And the well of water is only so deep. Well, if you're happily [01:04:00] lovingly always giving out water to everyone, you're eventually going to run out of water. It's going to dry up. It's going to be nothing left to give. So if you're not putting back in, at some point, there's going to be nothing left to give.

And so if you take that five minutes, whether it's exercise or hanging out with girlfriends, or if you're married time with your spouse, whatever, you know, fill in the blank. That's why I said it's a very broad topic and it can be, it can be met through different things. Like you'll never see me run. Okay.

I don't run. It's not going to happen. I will run if I'm afraid of a bug or if my life is in danger, now I'll get on a treadmill, but I'm never going to go run a marathon. They don't do it for me. Never going to happen. Unless God tells me to okay, himself. So that doesn't do it for me. That to me is work.

That's not self-care now I can be in a pool all day and feel like I'm relaxing and self care and rejuvenating or at the spa or with my girlfriend. I'm good with that or sleep. I love a good nap. Naps are good, but so you have [01:05:00] to find your own way of self-care, but it's still self care. And I struggled with that when I was in grad school in a young mom, because I felt tethered and pulled.

And if I wasn't doing schoolwork than I needed to be with the kids, if I was with the kids, I was worried about the paper I wasn't getting written. And when I was with the kids and writing the paper, I was like, oh my God, I need to be doing the dishes. And, you know, for like five years and I hate 10 minutes, but I think there was a time period.

It was probably during my thesis. I think I really honestly, as gross as this is probably went 10 days without an actual, honest to God, like 30 minute relaxing bath. Like, I mean, I obviously, you know, Made myself clean and presentable, but I don't think I relaxed in a bathtub for like 30 minutes, right? 10 days.

No, no, that's embarrassing, but that's my point. We go and go and go and go and go. Cause we feel like we can't stop and we're scared to death. The world's going to fall apart. If we do, God forbid we stopped for five minutes or if we do most women feel guilty about it. That's the crazy thing that gives themselves a guilt trip.

Like I should be doing all these other things. They need this. No, they don't. They need you to be saying, no, go, go do your [01:06:00] five minutes. So I'm giving all of us permission in a healthy way, because if you do whatever version of self-care for however long, that is in whatever way that is for you, you will come back more sane, balanced, focused, and centered, and then you will be able to keep giving what you want to give to your loved ones and friends and family, because you'll be the better version of yourself instead of freaking out, stressed out and out of your mind.

Crazy. Yeah. I agree with you. Yeah, grief more than anything. Grief taught me that. Yup. And yeah, self care to answer your question, it's not, it might look a little different and how it's applied or how it's publicly addressed. But men and women, humans are humans. There's one race, the human race. And even those differences between the genders in the, in the nations human needs are all the same.

We need love. We [01:07:00] need, you know, care. But I always think about like, if I said, Hey, can I borrow 500 bucks? Well, if you don't have 500 bucks, you can't give it to me. So if I'm like, I need love and you don't have love. Or if I need time, you know what I mean? You can't give what you don't have. So self-care is crucial.

And you know, you have, he's going to make that mindset easier to maintain, which therefore you're going to be able to keep true to the choices you want to make. Exactly. Mine's not so overwhelmed and stressed out. Yeah. And it's one of those things that if you're saying, I just need time alone. That is something that's important.

You need some time alone to decompress and it needs to be a healthy balance. But if you're saying I need four hours to go to the gym and you've got kids and responsibilities. Well, yeah, that might be a little excessive, but you know, there has to be a balance. And the Bible says a false balance is abomination to the Lord, but a just weight is his delight.

So by us having a balance, that's where the magic is. So time away [01:08:00] to meditate in prayer, he had to step away from the crowds or whatever. I mean, I don't think I'm remembering that wrong. Help me out. We hear that a couple of times in the gospels, do we not? Yeah, he just would go and he'd take time to rest and he'd take time to pray and he'd do what he needed to do when he needed to do it.

And he didn't let anybody dictate his schedule. Yeah. If I'm not Jesus, I mean, I'm not Jesus, but if Jesus needed it, then I'm pretty sure the rest of us do. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Well, okay. So Mikayla, where are you today and where are you going? So we can help you get there. Now I'm doing what I have to, to keep traveling through these different things.

Especially as a solo mom of two amazing babies who are, you know, still at home and you know, like I said, seven and 10, they'll be eight and 11, so, oh Lord, I'm going to have a middle-schooler in a couple of months. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. Oh my gosh. Oh, you got this, you got this. That kind of [01:09:00] freaks me out a little bit.

And I'm like, my kids, like, it's wrong. My daughter's not even 11 and she can wear my shoes and she's five inches shorter than me. I'm like, what? The crap? That's not right. I'm like, okay, this is wrong. So I'm not sure I'm ready, but I will, I'll figure it out. But I'm just trying to keep doing all the things.

Take care of them, figure myself out and. Right. All these books that I know I've been called to write and get the message out and be me and do me and keep figuring out ways to thrive. I would say there's one other point that goes along with life is a choice and mindset and self care. When you do find yourself stuck for whatever reason and whatever circumstances do not be afraid to get resources, whatever that looks like for you, whether it's counseling, whether it's correctly diagnosed correctly, prescribed pharmaceuticals, thank God for affects her claimant.

I'm not ashamed. Whether that's reaching out to a friend, whether that's reaching out to family or a pastor or whatever, resources come in, [01:10:00] different ways as well, because sometimes we all get stuck and we need that extra whatever to kind of help us figure out a different mindset or move that needle or adjust or whatever.

So those are kind of the five big things for me is face. Life is a choice. You can define it, not let it define you self mindset, self care and resources. And I'm just going to keep trying to travel my journey, go forward and keep thriving in all things. Amen. Amen to that. So if our listeners want to get ahold of you or talk to you, what's the best way for them to reach you?

I have a website is called my heartfelt meditations.com. As of now, I may be changing the name of it, but it'll be the same website. It'll stay the same website. I'll just change the title on it. I'm sorry. I got confused. So my heartfelt meditation.com is where you can find all my stuff and it's a one-stop shop in the sense that I am on Facebook and Instagram.

But if you go there, you can just go to all those [01:11:00] things from there. And then all my books are on Amazon. Okay. Awesome. And then is there a, on the website, can someone reach out to you? Is that a personal message? If something resonated and they have more questions for you to follow up or are you, here's the contact form?

Awesome. Well, between your beginning today, and we're just about to get to where you're going. Is there anything we missed that you'd like to cover real quick? No, you know, it's just, it's been an interesting journey more than I've had an, I would say more interesting than probably most people, you know, but it's taught me a lot, you know, I've always tried to do my best and do what I had to do, and I want to do what I have to, to thrive and not just survive the last four years have probably been the most challenging, believe it or not, but.

I'm doing it. I'm getting there, you know, between God and faith and friends and always staying true to the choices I [01:12:00] want and my mindset. And although some days are easier than others and taking that self care, because like I said, grief will make you take self care, whether you want to, or not in grief, say self care makes a difference between keeping your head above water and drowning.

Trust me on that one. So I've gotten a lot better over the last four years. I'm like I have learned, I promise those dishes are not going away. There is no fairy godmother one. That's going to make them disappear, unfortunately. So yes. Just do be you, do you define what you want and live your journey and thrive.

That's awesome. Michela. Thank you for being with us today. And before we go. You have taken the time to share with us your story. You've given us great insight and wisdom of how to better our lives. How can we help you specifically? Like if a listener wants to say, I want to help McKayla, how, how could they best do that?

You really want to know? Yeah. When asked if we didn't. All right, go [01:13:00] check out my books and post reviews on Amazon. No one understands how important reviews are on Amazon. No one, unless you're in the publishing world. Yeah. I want to hear this with as many people as possible. I don't know how to explain their algorithm.

I'm not that girl, but somehow it has something to do with the more things you have on Amazon. Kind of like social media, I guess the more interaction, the more it gets seen. I don't know how to explain the technical side of it. I just know it works. Awesome. So we'll put links in the show notes to your books and your Amazon, and we'll ask people to read them and give that honest feedback.

And I say that all the time, like with the show, with the podcast, Mike, Hey, please go on rate review, subscribe to the podcast. Give us a five star review. If you got time, write a quick little comment of what you like, but if you can't give us a five-star, please don't blast us publicly. Write me privately so I can fix it and make it show better and earn your five-star review.

Right? Can't fix what we don't know about people. We're not mind readers. We're not that good. I like to take my [01:14:00] kids. Think I'm a mind reader. They don't know it. Don't tell him you got some leverage, still learning too. I felt like I was like score one for mom. My camera's like, I can't go to school this morning.

I'm like I guess if you're too sick to be, go to school, you're too sick to be with friends this weekend, 10 minutes he was out for while that's awesome. Well, McKayla, it's been a true pleasure and honor. Thank you for being here today. We will put all the links in the show notes to what you have going on and to our listeners, we love you.

And like our slogan says, don't just listen to this episode or any of the episodes or anything in life. Take the good, apply it. Do it, repeat the good every day consistency. And if you have some failure, get back up and try again and listen to and repeat why. So you can have a great life for joy, peace, glorify God, and have a wonderful experience in this life.

And attorney. So I'm [01:15:00] David Pascoe on that was McKayla Cox. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Go back and binge, listen to other episodes that interests you and we'll see you next week. McKayla. It's been a pleasure. Thank you so much. All right, ciao everybody. We'll see you next week.