Ryan Lindner | Dealing with Anxiety, Learning to Let Go, & Accepting Uncertainty in Life

"Treat yourself as if you're someone you loved.” - Ryan Lindner

EPISODE OVERVIEW: 

Did you hear the one about the young boy who struggled with loneliness, childhood anxiety, OCD, insecurity, and developed an eating disorder? You know, the one where he ate a ton of food to medicate the pain, but in high school a single embarrassing moment transformed his eating disorder into an obsession with working out to the point of anorexia? Then, when he gets a bit older and goes off into college he decides to start lifting weights. What happens then?

In a nutshell, he puts on a hundred pounds of muscle, but he’s still not healthy. He dedicates his life to fitness and studying the science of exercise, but he’s not emotionally fit. Then, after starting his own physical training business, he grows his clientele, but has two cardiac arrests. Crazy, right? Watch or Listen Now to hear how today’s guest explains how he went from living in anxiety and stress, to accepting the uncertainties in life, and learned to let go and live. Ladies & Gentlemen, welcome to the Ryan Lindner story!

GUEST BIO: 

Ryan Lindner is a personal development specialist who has worked as a behavioral coach for clients and top organizations all over the world. After two sudden, unexplained cardiac arrests at a young age, he began to explore different perspectives with clients that come with any profound, life-changing event. If you aren’t living, you’re dying. It wasn’t uncommon for Ryan to teeter on unconsciousness even, at times, while working with a client, requiring him to prioritize his own energy and time masterfully, and assisting clients to do the same.

Ryan has conducted over 6,000 sessions for the US military, he has led operations for a major leadership and organizational change company, and manages learning and development projects for companies to reshape their customer experience.

EPISODE PROUDLY SPONSORED BY: 

• Ascend 2 Glory: Sales & Marketing Video Guide

SHOW NOTES, GUEST CONTACT INFO, SPECIAL OFFERS, & OTHER RESOURCES MENTIONED:

Guest Contact Info:

• http://www.RSLindner.com
• http://www.HalfKnownLifeBook.com

Remarkable People Podc

Transcript

Childhood anxiety, O C D two cardiac arrests and a career of learning to let go and living free all this and more in this episode of the podcast.

 The remarkable people podcast, check it out.

The remarkable people podcast. Listen, do repeat for life.

Copy of Part 3 INTRO Ryan Linder Dealing with Anxiety Learning to Let Go and Accepting Uncertainty in Life: Hello friends. Welcome to this week's episode of the remarkable people podcast. This week, we're going to hear topics that we will personally probably relate to and definitely know someone who will, so don't be afraid to forward links to this episode, to your friends and family. Put it on social media because our guest story can really resonate with people.[00:01:00] 

And help them as a catalyst out of the pain they're in. So this young man we're talking about today was lonely. He had anxiety, he felt like he never fit in. He ended up getting an eating disorder where he. Ate a ton of food to medicate the pain. Then in high school, there's a catalyst and an instant that turns him from eating to medicate the pain to working out, but not working on a healthy way, but in an unhealthy way to the point of anorexia, imagine being six one in 120 pound.

That's way too skinny. So he then goes off into college, decides to lift weights, puts on a hundred pounds of muscle, but he's still not healthy. He's dedicated his whole life to fitness and studying the science of exercise. And then he goes off. He starts getting clients [00:02:00] and he has two cardiac arrests, not one, two.

So this. He's trying to figure things out. He was raised in the eighties where a lot of these issues weren't addressed and now he's in his thirties and he's like, what do I do? So in this episode, you are gonna hear the Ryan linner story. And he's gonna talk about dealing with anxiety, learning to let go.

And accepting the uncertainties in life. So at this time, get your pen and paper. Get ready to take notes and more than anything, get your heart and mind ready to apply it to life. We love you now. Enjoy this great episode.

Copy of Part 4 INTERVIEW Ryan Linder Dealing with Anxiety Learning to Let Go and Accepting Uncertainty: Hey Ryan, what's going on today, brother? Just another day, living the dream. Amen. Amen. You and I were just having a great conversation before we started recording. [00:03:00] I just told our friends about how we're gonna be hanging out with this remarkable guy named Ryan.

And let's just jump into your story, brother. Yeah. They know a little bit. I touched on the high points, but let's just dig in. So where did your life begin? What was your upbringing life? Because you know what is in our past good, bad or ugly? It helps us become the men we are today. So what was your upbringing?

I, I had a great upbringing you know, very loving family. I was, I am an introvert hardcore, you know, and all the tests, all the measures I am off the scales the Myers Briggs I'm, I've, I've been more introverted than any of my clients that I've had. And I'm a, a coach by trade. I'm, a behavioral coach and, and work with a lot of organizations and people suffered through really bad anxiety.

And that was at a [00:04:00] time when There wasn't as much understanding of that. So I think people look at someone suffering with anxiety and was kind of like, oh, Ryan's quirky. Ryan's, you know, a quiet guy he's nervous. I think nowadays they have more options available, more treatments available. It was sort of unrecognized as just a, a trait.

But it was soul crushing anxiety. I mean, it was really bad. And I think over the years, you know, I, I, I was not treated well for, for a variety of reasons. And a lot of it was that anxiety and, and a little bit of awkwardness there. So didn't do well in big groups and I started to seek out personal development and just ways to kind of help myself.

And it drew me more into the helping profession. So yeah, I've been a coach for, for many years. [00:05:00] I've worked with thousands of individuals and organizations as well. So really helping people see their blind spots. I specialize in transitions. So people are going through a big change in their life.

You know, retirement changing careers, a, a big scary change that often gets 'em outta their comfort zone. I help them see the things that maybe they can't see and explore those things. And you know, I help 'em kind of, kind of work through all those identity issues and I never knew coaching was a career option for me.

I spent years trying to fix myself and try to after being treated poorly by, by a variety of individuals and never feeling like I fit anywhere. I mean, I [00:06:00] I'll I'll say this it's a, I actually had around 37 jobs when I was figuring things out through, through my mid twenties. And you know, 30 seven's a lot.

I, I, I just never felt like I fit in anywhere. And it wa it was living during a, a real rough time in a place where there was not a whole lot of opportunity. So I was doing things pretty much everything I could find. Making I I've actually, I think it's probably more 37 actual jobs. I think it, in terms of just testing things out, I think was probably a lot more I've painted fences.

I've made trinkets, I've sold those. I sold artwork for a while. I did door to door sales. I've sold credit card processing machines. I mean, pretty much every job you can possibly think of. Some were rough, some were in rough areas. [00:07:00] But it was all about finding, you know, who I was feeling like, you know, I didn't fit in anywhere.

As an introvert, that was really tough. Someone with anxiety that was really tough, then let's do this. Then Ryan, you're covering a lot of ground fast and the show we want to make sure that we're hearing your story and then helping those that are connecting with you. So let's go back and work through and just break things down a little.

Yeah. So if I heard you. I was laughing if I don't think I was on camera while you were talking, but I was laughing because I remember exactly what you're talking about when you and I were kids, you know, we're about the same age. One of us just recently had a birthday intent . But but just, you know, Ryan had a birthday, so ladies and gentlemen wish him happy birthday.

This is gonna air afterwards, but around the vicinity but when we were growing up, it was just [00:08:00] like, what's wrong with that guy? What's wrong with that girl? They're weird. You know, I had anxiety too, as a kid and nervous twitches and basically it's like, you're either normal. You're a retard. That's that was the kind of environment that I grew up in.

Is that how you heard it too? Absolutely. Yeah. So if you're listening and there's different generations, some of you had it worse, some of you have no idea what we're talking about. Cause everything's so politically correct these days, but Ryan and I went through a generation where it was you're pretty much normal or you're abnormal.

And there was really a, there was a level of tolerance in between. It's like, everybody's cool. But then there was like this invisible social threshold that when you crossed that you got picked on and made fun of, and you didn't have a place. And that Ryan, I think is, is that where you're, you're not fitting in, kind of started for you, you, you hit the nail on the head.

And I think it, the anxiety manifested in a lot of ways. I mean, for one, you know, I, [00:09:00] I didn't do well in, in groups of, of any size, really one on one, I was a little bit better. But I, I would say by today's standards, I had real, real bad OC. A lot of ritualistic behaviors. I was what some might call a neat freak.

But it was extreme. I only had a one item per drawer and it had to be positioned a certain way. I mean, just crazy just my whole way of living my lifestyle. So what about your family? Were you an only child? No, I had a, I had a little brother. Yeah. I have a little brother. Yeah. Okay. So you had a little brother and then your mom and dad, was there a relationship solid.

Did you feel anxiety that they might break up? Was there footing in the home? Was there anything going on there? I always felt loved and supported, so that, that was never an issue. It was more worrying, like [00:10:00] insistent worrying. I was always worried if something bad would happen. It was always thinking something bad was around the corner.

I think that was how it manifested, you know, I would check the stove multiple times a day to make sure it wasn't left on every plug, every outlet, making sure it wasn't, you know, I was scared of fire. I had to make sure my door was cracked a certain number of inches just to make sure didn't I didn't like it closed it.

It was just manifesting in all these different ways. I couldn't step on cracks. It was just, I, I think it was a fear of something bad happening. And when did this, like growing up, you're doing this, was there any known point that something tra traumatic happened or someone threatened you or was it just how you were wired from birth?[00:11:00] 

I think it was how I was wired from birth. Now I did have a trauma, but not until I was 30. Yeah, no, no, no. We'll get to that. Yeah. Growing up. I can't think of any trauma. I think it was just how I was wired to a large extent and just not fitting in just socially having a, a difficult time. And so for our listeners, we have listeners, Ryan that I know you're connecting with right now.

That's why I'm trying to lead the conversation a little bit. A lot of us out there. We're we're in over a hundred countries, strong, a remarkable community. We have that. We don't know where we fit in. It's like even like, okay, well I'm a Christian. I love God, but I don't feel like I fit in with Christians.

And I, I, you know, I was part of the world, but I, I, you know, of course everybody likes doing crazy bad things, but I, I don't feel comfortable doing that, but I don't feel in with the world. And then sometimes it's like, you know, these kids are in the, this group and these people are in that group and we never feel like [00:12:00] we fit in.

And then you're exhibiting and having issues that are quote unquote different, you know, but you are born that way. So we have to realize that all of us are born and we're all made slightly different and we all have a great purpose that God intends. It's just finding it is the journey. That's tough. And thank you, Ryan, for sharing your journey with us.

So, when were you at the age or around what age was it when you and your parents were like, okay, there's something definitely different and, and I'm gonna start to try to figure it out or fix it, or your parents got you help. Where, where was that in your life? Timeline wise? Not until I was an adult. Really.

Okay. So you got, they just said basically adapt and overcome, figure it out. I don't think anyone realized it was a problem, then it was more like he's different, he's quirky, he's different. And it, it was never [00:13:00] discussed as a problem. It was just, he's a little off often certain ways. And I think it was even humorous for some like, oh, he's so quirky, you know?

So just so different, but For me, there was an internal struggle there. It was just a, it was just, it was really bad discomfort. I, I didn't know. It was something that there was even treatment for at all. Anyway, I just thought I was weird and my way of handling that was just sort of withdrawing, you know, but the worrying was real, real bad and it was constant.

Yeah. And that, that kind of the worrying leads the anxiety and maybe some depression. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but did that, did you have any sadness, depression because of the anxiety? I would say yes. And I think, you know, I just always felt like I had, there was things about me that I had always had to fix.

So [00:14:00] I was on this journey where I was always trying to figure out a way to fix that and it, it ended up making it worse actually. And. I think that's what a lot of people do with anxiety is, is there's something wrong here. And they feel like they shouldn't be that way. And of course that usually makes it worse.

It drives it. Yeah. So where did that bring you talk about your grown up through middle school, through high school. What did those days look like for you, Ryan? You're trying to fix it. You're trying to quote unquote be normal, but yet you're you and you do have some challenges that other people don't face.

What, so what did that journey look like up until when you graduated high school? My attempt to, to control the worrying to, to I guess soothe, sooth myself was to control my environment. And I think that that's [00:15:00] where the O C D and the staying really neat and clean. I, I figured if I didn't fit in socially.

I could at least focus on what I could control in my life. And it made me feel strangely comforted. I never had a particular friend group. So I, I really didn't fit in anywhere. I wouldn't say I had very many friends and I think the friends that I thought were, were actually friends. In retrospect, they did not treat me very well.

That's not to say I didn't have any friends, but it, it, the friends I had, it wasn't any friend group. And some of the friends that I had, I should not have been friends with because by my definition today, they were not good friends. But back then, you're a kid. You just want someone to call a friend.

Everybody wants to be loved and to feel understood and special. Absolutely. Absolutely. And you know, when you look at and you say, well, I don't have really many friends, you just feel [00:16:00] even worse. And, and I think, yeah, you, you described it. Well, I think that the, the low self-esteem, you know, maybe a little bit of depression at times my home life, my home life was good.

You know, and, and my parents, they were fantastic. I just don't think they saw it like that. So eventually I and I, I ate too. I ate and became, you know, overweight. That's how I soothed. I know a lot of people can relate to that as well. And I guess in the beginning of high school, I was made fun of in, in front of a large group and I was embarrassed.

And so that was, I can pinpoint the actual event in day. And I [00:17:00] developed an eating disorder, which is more rare in males. You know, I was more anorexic. I, I lost or I, I went home that night and I just started exercising. And back in the day, I dunno if you remember the Nordic track, you know, it's like a little ski machine, you know, a hundred percent.

Do you know? I personally believe that's the greatest exercise equipment ever invented. Yeah. When I was in the peak shape of my life, that was the only piece of equipment that would actually make me sweat. Oh, really? Really? . Yeah. So if you had to get on, I started, yeah. If you had to get on a, I mean, I used to wrestle and, you know, like do all these things and a mega cardio and the only piece of equipment I could get on and really get a good workout was that nor track skier, it, it would kick your butt.

So you picked the absolute best piece of equipment to get fit on. Oh, absolutely. It, it definitely, well, you know, I lost a lot of weight with it, [00:18:00] but unfortunately for me, it, it did turn into something a little more UN unhealthy. So, you know, I lost a lot of weight and again, you know, I had the, the O C D and, and all that.

So it was kind of like, I can't control how, how people are treating me. Let me, let me. At least something I'm good at here. And I lost a ton of weight and I started, I was below one 20 and I'm, you know, I'm, I was six six one at the time, so, wow. That's like, that's like Persian war skinny. Yeah. It's pretty skinny.

And you know, considering my height and I joined, I started participating in cross country and, and running and things. I became a runner now. I, I actually developed a pretty decent endurance with that and, and, and skill there. But once my health started to dip it did affect, negatively affect the, the performance there.

But [00:19:00] I used over exercise as an outlet. I mean, I would exercise multiple, multiple times a day starve myself a lot. And, and it, it was just a way for me to feel like. At least I have self worth there. I have value there, you know, cuz at least I'm good at something. And you know, I started to, at least I was good at exercise and, and disciplined and at least I wasn't overweight anymore.

And I started meeting other people in athletics and I started to feel, at least I'm part of a team. Not that they're my friends, but at, you know, at, at least I'm part of something then. And I also had a girlfriend, my first girlfriend at the time and she was bulimic. So it, it did not it was a, a [00:20:00] lot of, sort of, an interesting experience then with both both partners and a having an issue with something very similar mm-hmm she was also an overexercise.

But, and were you guys able to talk and help one another or did it just feed the dysfunction? It was hard for me to help her because I was struggling too. I didn't have bulimia, you know, I wasn't purging, but I I could relate and, and the feelings of, you know, at least I can look good, you know, it was never good enough.

That's why I was so skinny. It was just never good enough, you know? And then, you know, of course people treat you badly there on a different way, you know, they would call you different names and looking back now, I just looked so, so skinny. I did find my way out of that, but the, [00:21:00] for, for her, I did have to I did have to.

Tell her, her family. And, and it, it's just when, when you're going through that, it's just you know, people around you don't always see it, you know, cuz you're you're, you become good at hiding and, and mm-hmm and the same was the case for me, you know? And that's what I was gonna ask you, your parents, they see you down to 1 26, 1.

Did they know that you had an eating disorder and you were struggling or did they just think, oh, he runs a lot so you can't keep weight on? Well, I, I think it was well you just burn a ton of calories doing that, you know, and you know, people did start saying things that did care about and you know, my family and it was just you know, you've gone too far with it, but it was such a struggle.

It was such a struggle to put, put on the way and. [00:22:00] Funny enough, four years later, I gained a hundred pounds and went in the opposite way. But it was more body building. I said, okay, I don't like being skin anymore. Let's see how much muscle I can put on and, and go that way too. But it's all about finding, you know, finding where you feel like your self worth is.

It's all external and it never lasts, but it, it makes you feel like you're worth something, I guess. Okay. So now you're struggling with anxiety and feeling that safety and that security. So you're doing things like with what people say O C D they use that flippantly, but you may have had the legitimate obsessive compulsive disorder.

Definitely you, you had to put things in a certain way. You know, this and this drawer, this and this drawer, this angle. All of [00:23:00] those things to take control of your life, you, so something inside you felt outta control or you, you needed that sure foundation that you didn't have. And then, like you said, you go from being, you're medicating the pain with food, then you medicate the pain with and prove them wrong.

And, or I don't one ever wanna be called this again. So you go from being overweight to being like super skinny, and then you're like, forget that I'm gonna be fit. And you, you put on a hundred pounds of muscle, which is a crazy amount of weight if anybody's not into body building, but you're still medicating the pain and running.

So from this point in your life to when you get help, where take us through that journey ride. Yeah, I, I think I just, yeah, being skinny and, and realizing that I just didn't find that was became empty for me because it was, it was no, that was no longer goal. Cause I didn't think it looked good anymore. So as I [00:24:00] graduated from high school, it became more, okay.

I just want to be as fit as possible and that's how I'm gonna feel good about myself, you know? So it's basically been a journey of how can I find myself in other things which never worked and trying to control my life and my environment. Because I think growing up and all the way through college, I felt just sort of that aimlessness of, well, well, who am I?

Who, who am I I think co comparing yourself to others. That's something I did since I was a kid and. I, I see that as the one parallel, even throughout my young adult life is I would see my peers and they had it all figured out, you know, even in high school, a lot of 'em had it figured out they knew exactly what they were gonna do, where they were gonna go.

And I still didn't even in college, I [00:25:00] didn't, I had no idea what I was gonna do. Mm-hmm which, you know, so it, it was just focus me focusing on what I could control, and that was always, you know, the fitness and the eating and in college, I always made fun of me. Cause everything I'd eat was white. You know, it was like egg whites and cottage cheese, you know, anything with protein in it.

I just have a plate of like 12 eggs, you know, now where, when you went to school, were grades decent, were they great? Were they terrible? Cause you ended up going to college. What was like your undergrad? I mean your high school and then what was your college career like academically, academically? I did.

Well, I did well, but it, there was still aimlessness there. I, I think in, in college in freshman year I did not do as well. I [00:26:00] did do well later, but freshman year I didn't do as well. It's just cuz I didn't didn't know what to do. Didn't know what to major in didn't didn't know it was just the aimlessness again, I spent more time in the gym than I did studying.

I mean same thing in high school, but high school was easier. I could just coast by and get good grades. So I never studied much. I did what I needed to do and you know, still got good grades ASBS but Yeah, I, I never put a ton. It was always the priority was always, you know, exercising and the self-esteem stuff.

And did anybody pick up on it in college that there was an issue, especially with your roommates? I take it. Did you have roommates in college? Did you stay in the dorm? I did. I stayed in the dorms all four years, actually. Yeah. And did any of your roommates be like, Hey man, what's going on here? Did any of them point out anything to you?

Yeah, I, I wasn't as skinny at the time. So the, the weight had [00:27:00] settled more. But it was the O the opposite thing. Now it was overexercise and yes, some people would say things, but my guess is a lot of people just didn't feel like it was their place or, or they didn't. Certainly I had some relationships that didn't work out because they felt like my lifestyle is something they couldn't couldn't deal with.

Couldn't hang with. Cause it was very regimented. I mean, everything I ate for a long time, I wrote down every single thing I ate for years. And I had in a log book that I kept with me and I tracked every tracked. Now they call it tracking your macros, but I would calculate the percentage of my diet. You know, this is the OCD tendency, the percentage of my diet that was carbs, fat protein.

And it was just never enough though. Nothing I did was ever enough to make me feel okay. I, I always felt like it. I was always not. Yeah. [00:28:00] So you were the original. If it fits my macro rose and my fitness pal, I was the original and I hated doing it cuz I couldn't live a regular life. You know, I couldn't go out, I couldn't enjoy food.

I couldn't go out to eat. And I mean, I would go, but it would be very, very strict in terms of what I ate. It was crazy. Now during this I'm intrigued, cuz there's so many things that I can connect with personally. And then I'm thinking about our listeners and how so many people have have issues with this, but they don't talk about it.

Going back to that original catalyst that moment. Do you mind talking about what happened? Cuz so many kids get bullied, so many kids get picked on and a lot of kids were like, this is never gonna get better. So they contemplate a P. Decision for a temporary situation. So, you know, some people think about suicide and that's a horrible situation.

Don't go there. If you are thinking about suicide, [00:29:00] you know, get help there's hotlines, you can reach out to Ryan myself. We'll do whatever we can to help you, but don't let a situation caused you to make a permanent decision. The only person who wins there is Satan. So for you, Ryan, were you contemplating suicide at any point?

Cuz those peer, I, I can remember a couple instances in high school that the hazing and the bullying was terrible to the point of physicality. So if you don't mind me asking what happened to you that just pushed you over the edge? Well, it was certainly. And I can pinpoint that one day and I know the guy's name too.

I can see it's of course he's probably a complete dirt bag, but for the sake of legal reasons, don't say his name on air because you don't want him to hurt you and then come back and try to get money for you for him being a dysfunctional douche. So you just keep going, but don't use his name. And I [00:30:00] what's interesting though, is that event I've had worse things happen when I was a kid, in terms of, of I've had worse things happen, but it was the way he said it.

And he wasn't, there was another individual who was primarily, always kind of a bully, but this individual said just the wrong thing, the wrong time. So I'll reserve judgment, autumn. But He, he looks at me in the we're in the cafeteria and he goes, man, Ryan, you are a jelly roll aren't you or something to that effect or something.

And other people were around. And I was just, yeah, there, I mean, there are plenty of worse things people have said, but it just, something about it just made me crumble. And there was a little more to, to what he said, but that was, that was the gist. And I just felt utterly embarrassed. And you know, that [00:31:00] night I just went home and that for, and then I never looked back for, for over 20 years, you know, mm-hmm and it, it altered my life.

Some good, some, some bad, but I, I never I've had dark thoughts, but at that time, but I never, I never contemplated suicide. I'd say I feel like I always just dove into, I dove into what was comforting for me. And that was in some cases, an addiction. I felt like I dove into my little happy place where it was something I could control or I thought I could, that made me worth something.

But you said something too, which resonated with me is I think, and I did have a, a high school person on my team who did end their lives. I think a lot of [00:32:00] people think that there's, they can't see beyond their current situation. They think it will never end, you know, they think it, it no matter how your situation is now, it's just gonna always be like that.

Mm-hmm . And I always like to, sometimes I wonder, and, and talking, you know, and working with different people. How do you know in a year from now, it's not gonna resolve itself or your life is gonna have some amazing thing happen, right? You, you just don't know. You just think that your current emotional state is all there is.

And so you make this decision that changes everything, even though it could be a temporary situation you just don't know yet. So I think that's a, a good place to go is to say, well, could this be temporary? Cuz my high school friend who knows maybe the chance he had to get married and have kids and have a career and do something he loved, like he doesn't have that because of this.

He thought his temp, his [00:33:00] state, there was what it would always be like. Yeah. You know? And it did get better. It did get better for me. Yes. And for anyone who's listening, there's men and women that we personally know that you personally know. You know, there's always somebody in the worst scenario, but even in the Bible, I mean, Joseph he's one of the most godly figures in the Bible.

And he went like 40 years. I mean, some people say thirties, some people say more or less, but the dude went years in persecution and being wrongfully accused and beat up on and sent to prison and accused of trying to rape. But then God turned it around. And in his older years he became basically the number two man in the country and saved his family and millions of people burned, famines.

So what Ryan's saying, what I'm saying, don't give up hope. If it seems dark and there's no way Ryan said it exactly. Right. I, I forget the words you used, but you basically said in a moment. Things can turn [00:34:00] around in what you never expected. So don't quit, do not quit. It's not even a consideration how to put your energy and how to get through what you're facing, but don't even look at it as an option.

Again, the only person who wins is Sadan and he's just laughing at you. So kick him in the nuts, move on and don't look back that's my public service announcement. Yeah, a absolutely. And com always like the saying, you know, comparison is the thief of joy. And I, I believe that because I think for me, everything I went through is really it was always comparing myself to other people and where I thought they were, or I thought I was, and I, I could never measure up.

It was impossible for me to measure up. So I thought, well, if I'm not the smartest, if I'm not, you know, the most popular or whatever, maybe I can be the most. Fit possibly. But if, you know, of course you always meet someone who's more fit or, or [00:35:00] whatever. I always try to find something like, yes, that's, that's who I am.

You know, I'm the fit guy to meet someone who's fitter I'm. But the, I had it an impossible task for myself. I was holding myself to an impossible standard. So I think it, the, the depression or, or all that it comes from comparing or, or feeling like there is something to measure. And to your point, I, I think, you know, I, I would say you don't know how your story plays out.

A lot of the people that I've compared myself to may, maybe they made a ton more money earlier in their career. Maybe they had it figured out. Maybe they were more popular and then years later they're suffering and they've been divorced far four times, or I, I don't know, I'm just. And they're looking to you, like, you're the one who, you know, again, you don't know how your story plays out and you don't know how their story plays out.

So [00:36:00] you have to detach from it to some degree and just, you know, in the end, it's, the race is always with yourself. Right. And you just, you, again, comparisons a thief of joy, you just have to, and that was what got me all those years was really looking at, you know? Okay. My friends. Yep. Okay. Couple of 'em were definitely smarter.

Or they treated me like, I, I wasn't as smart. And it was just trying to find where I could be enough, you know, I think that was the crux of it. Really. We, we always searching for what you were best at, like, didn't matter what it was. Yeah, exactly. And I never could matter if it was a sport. If it was Mario car, if it was, you just wanted to be the best at something.

Yes. I know that exact feeling. I bet our listeners do too. And when you said you were trying to basically figure out what you wanted to be when you grew up that I'm paraphrasing or not paraphrasing, I'm using different words here, but I mean, some of us, I'm 45 and I'm [00:37:00] still changing and growing. And whereas it's frustrating to compare, like Ryan's talking about, and you probably saw people who were five years old in, in kindergarten with you and like, I'm gonna be a doctor.

I'm gonna be you a boat maintenance person. And, and they know exactly what they want and now we're 40 and we're still trying to figure it out. Right. But don't compare, just be who you are and if you're great at one thing. Awesome. But I bet Ryan, you're gonna go on and talk about how. You became really good at many things, which made you great at one thing, coaching.

So this is really exciting to hear. Okay. So take us from your journey in college and move us forward. So now you're, you're getting big you're, you know, 6 1, 2 20. That's a big boy. And now you're moving through, what kind of degree did you get in college? The concentration to, to no surprise was [00:38:00] exercise science exercise.

So it was just digging into that. And I, I had this theory that I would I, I never worried about the money cause everyone always says, oh, if you just do what you love, the money will come and blah, blah, blah. Well, it didn't. And, and so. Where I lived, it was very difficult to, to make ends meet it. It really was, it was a lot of years of struggle and, and really struggling.

What area of the country did you live in? I lived in a, in a small town in Virginia for, for a long time, for about five years after college. And it, it, it was just really, really tough. And I, I had my doubts. It's like, I don't know if I could do this forever. So I gravitated, you know, to wellness fitness and all that.

And this is just an opinion, I'll say it, but you know, there are advocates out there for all kinds of [00:39:00] you know, you've got teachers who are phenomenal. I have family members who are teachers. You've got advocates for nurses. You've got advocates for. There's not many advocates for fitness professionals or no one's, but you know, there's no standard, you know, like there's no board or there's no standard most jobs in, in wellness, they don't offer benefits.

You're a contractor, the wages are low. And it's also the first thing that goes when culturally we're in a recession or, or, or whatever. So the hours are terrible. The schedule you're usually working late, late evenings, early mornings. And does it, as you're saying this and to those listening, is it ironic that the people that bring us so much value through wellness are not treated well, are in bad conditions.

Okay. Is that not irony? [00:40:00] absolutely. I mean, it, it, wasn't what I thought they never taught me that in school. Right. You know, they never, they never taught me that. So wait, are you telling us that the educational system is not preparing us for real life? Could be, it could be you know, for those of you in foreign countries, I laid on sarcasm thick that was not real.

Our, our educational system in America teaches you everything you don't need to know when it comes to communication, budgeting, just basic relationship and conflict, negotiating skills, time management, all the things that matter. You won't ever hear of about credit, about home buying everything, right? The real life things you need to know.

Now, granted, our family should be teaching us these things too. But when the government takes you away from your family for 10, 12 hours a day, [00:41:00] and they're like, we'll do the job for you. Yeah, but it, so we won't get off into education, but what Ryan's saying is he went through the system. He even paid to go to college.

He did everything, right. He's following his passion. And yet he's still missing fundamental keys of life because he was never taught. So how did you turn that around and start figuring things out? Well, it took me a few years for sure. And I hit some, some road bumps, I'd say. I mean, I I would say the entire majority of my twenties was a one big road bump or speed bump, but I had a series of not good relationships.

I, I was just trying to find my way. Right. Who am I kind of thing? I don't know if I can do this profession forever. And I had this idea, like, after. Again, I had so many jobs. I worked for insurance company for a [00:42:00] while. You know, I had, I tried to start my own like personal training type business. I, I I delivered pizzas.

I did all kinds of things and I said, all right, I've gotta do something here. So I actually went back to school and got retrained and, and decided to work more into the behavioral aspect of it and work with organizations. So what I didn't count on is I had a expecting a child on the way and unmarried and how that dynamic worked in, worked in.

And how old were you at that point? I was 25, 25. And you're dating a girl. Did she, was it unintentional for both of you or did she kind of like sneak that in? I would say it was unplanned and I unplanned. Alright. Unplanned. And But, you know, I was still a student so that, [00:43:00] you know, as a student, the income was fairly low.

That was tough. That relationship did not work out. And then again, after kind of a, still haven't found myself yet, right. Still haven't found where I was enough. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. So and I'm looking at my peers and, you know, one of 'em is real high up for a, a, a media company.

One is a pharmaceutical person. One is, and I'm waiting tables. , I'm just not, you know, not that there's anything wrong with that, but it, it wasn't something that I set out or, or planned. And it was real late nights. It, it was just hard. It was hard to make, make ends meet. So [00:44:00] throughout my twenties, I, I, I do that.

I eventually relocate. I move about, about six hours towards the coast. Just sort of a fresh start. I find what is, I, I start a little business on my own, just starting, starting new more in the coaching area. I didn't know that was a career option, but a lot of, you know, I, I found that, okay, maybe I don't have to be good at one thing.

Maybe I'm good at several things. And by the way, some of the most fascinating people I've met, they don't have just one. You know, I don't, we're not nouns we're verbs. And I think most people they're looking for this role that they are I'm this I'm, this I'm this. And, you know we're people first we're people and it's okay.

I like multiple things. So I land what I would call the time, my dream job. And I [00:45:00] was a behavioral coach. I had a contract, it was what, and, and the wages picked up and I started getting, but I'm there a month and I have two cardiac arrests suddenly. Wow. And no, no family history. And at that time for a number of years, I, I, I managed, I had no treatment for the OCD ever, never had any treatment for that.

But I. Did find my way into a healthy weight and a healthy life. And I I've been eating healthy for a while. You know, non-smoker, non-drinker at the time, you know, just very, and again, no family history and I just, one day just dropped I CPR and you know, it happened when I say more, [00:46:00] it was two cardiacs, but it was a day apart.

Did you go to the hospital after the first one or did you not know what happened? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, hospital. So the second ICU and I, at that point as a safety, God, I have a pacemaker. I developed, you know, PSD and doesn't help the anxiety that I grown up with for years. So all just the crushing anxiety I had and suddenly I have this thing happen and now it's like, well, I guess the anxiety's on tenfold now.

And I have a condition where I'm dizzy basically 24 7, and I've seen world renowned specialists all over the place. [00:47:00] And it was kind of a freak thing. Just a freak thing. No one could never tell me the cause. The closest I can, I can, I, I figure I've got some electrical issues basically, but that, and again, I, I just got what I would call my dream job or what I thought was my dream job.

So my benefits had kicked in yet, and I didn't have any paid time off. Mm. So I was back at work five days later, hooked to all these wires. And I, I had to was that a financial necessity, cuz remember, you know, I have a, a son you know, a son who's young and I had been struggling so long. I, I, I didn't have my, my feet on the, on the ground yet.

So and then the medical bills start, you know, [00:48:00] but man, that, that transformed sessions, it transformed the way I interact with people, but it also transformed, formed my worrying in a good way. It transformed how I thought of myself in a good way. It transformed. The comparison and comparing myself to other people that changed in a good way as well.

In a way, it hadn't been my whole life transformed and it was hard, you know, I thought I was saying, bye-bye, you know, I started saying goodbye goodbyes. And I thought, cuz it was a big mystery. What happened? And I knew it was happening now. I, I didn't know I was gonna have a cardiac arrest, but I knew I was losing consciousness the first time.

In fact, I looked over to the lady next to me, I just said, you know, I'm, I'm going down now. And that's [00:49:00] exactly what I said. So I, I knew about, I would say five to 10 seconds before I was gonna lose consciousness. I knew it only because my vision started closing in, it's like a dark tunnel and the vision, you know, you start losing and you get that clammy lightheaded type feeling.

And I, I knew it. And then I woke up and it was kind of like a movie and I was, you know, I had people surrounding me and in the ER and doctor yelling at one of the nurses and people frantically running around and panicking and it was like, crazy it crazy.

And then where do you go from there? So you go through these two episodes. You're like, well, it, what just happened? I didn't know what to make of it because the one thing where I felt like I was enough, I felt like I could never do it again because, you know, I've [00:50:00] got all these wires going through me and I felt so fragile.

So it was like, well, I guess I can't exercise now. And that was the only thing I felt like I was really any good at. And you know, I, but. And then one, one thing I felt like I was good at and being an introvert really helped with this actually in a weird way was I was never a stream of consciousness thinker who would just, you know, chatty Cathy. I was never that kind of person. So I found out that I could listen and talk and, and in a conversation like with a client and they were comforted by that in, in a way they, they, and I, I realized I could ask questions a lot now.

I felt like I was good at that. However, I still feel like those relationships I, I never always felt like they were one sided, cuz I always [00:51:00] felt like, you know, just like with any professional relationship, like you know, I'm there to serve them. They don't really know me, you know, so, but I, I did feel like I could help people.

But it was really odd returning to work five days later and listening to other people's problems. Now they couldn't see me. It was all virtual. It was telephonic, so they couldn't see me hooked all these wires, but it really shifted the way I thought about problems. And I can say today, and this, this is over a decade ago.

I can say that I can get up in front of 400 people and chat and feel fine. I can say that. I can say that the anxiety, the worrying has dissipated a lot and

[00:52:00] I feel mentally the best I've. Ever and, but it was that journey. Right. You know, like again, what we, what we talked about, like, if you, if you feel bad, you're in an emotional place, you don't know how your story plays out. You don't know how your journey is gonna be. And eventually, you know, I start my own business, three of them eventually.

And my whole life transformed, you know, I, I did things in different industries. I never thought I could never, never, never thought I could speak in front of foreign people. You know, I've done business conferences, I've done, never thought I could do it, but I think it, once I had that cardiac arrest,

I realized that my whole life is really just a series of microdecisions. [00:53:00] And it's decisions about my energy and that's all time management is really, it's just the management of one's energy.

And I treat life like this is a weird analogy, but like poker in a way, in other words, every little thing I do in my day, it's like, if I'm doing it, I'm saying, yes, that is worth the energy that is worth the cost and time. And everything has a cost in life. The cost of something is how much life it takes from you.

And because I was always concerned, I, I never knew if I was coming or going. I never knew if I was getting ready to ke over or not. Every little moment was worth something for me. And worrying was not a priority anymore. [00:54:00] I just stopped now. I can't say I never worry, but what I had experienced my whole life, it dissipated what?

The anxiety, I just, I just said, I have to have boundaries here. And that's what I will for clients to do is have boundaries because

you know, EV everything in your life takes up real estate in your mind. And if I don't prioritize my energy, I get sick. You know, I'm dizzy 24 7. And if I don't prioritize my energy, I get sick. You know, I've been carded out on stretchers before and work at work. So, you know, I have to prioritize self care.

I, I can't worry about what others think as much. I can't do it. Cuz if I do worry, I get, I get sick. now what about to the people listening? [00:55:00] A lot of hard issues truly do come from the emotional, spiritual, mental baggage we carry. And then it converts to that cardiac moment. So before our listeners get there, you kind of set a lot of it, but if you were to give a step by step, Hey, if you're listening and you're struggling with anxiety, if you're struggling with worry and it's burning you and holding you down in life, here's what I'd suggest to start.

And then you got a couple points to give them to start the journey of this healing. Step one, own it. Own it. I experienced a dramatic transformation once I stopped viewing it as, as something to be fixed and my whole life, I thought it was something to be fixed. Once I started saying, you know, a lot of how you feel is gonna be the result of your own internal dialogue.

And once I said, you know what? I, not only do I not mind being [00:56:00] introverted, I love it. I love it. Some of the best leaders have been introverts, some of the best ones. They are usually good listeners. They usually think things through they're more introspective and extroverts have, you know, there's certainly advantages there too, but I love being introvert.

I, I wouldn't have it any other way. And once you own it, like if you're anxious here, here's the thought process. Rather than force it and say, oh, I'm anxious. I have sweaty palms. I don't, I should, I shouldn't be like this. Don't be like this. And then you read all the self-help books and it's like, you know, the self-help book says, oh yeah.

Picture of somebody in their underwear or whatever, you know, with all the advice you're given over the years and you'll feel comfortable that that advice never worked for me. It was always, I kept thinking about the fact that [00:57:00] I had sweaty palms and I was nervous and all that. And like, I shouldn't be like this.

Be confident once I just stopped caring and I just owned it and accepted it. Okay. I have sweaty palms. So what I'm gonna go out there. I'm gonna own. I don't mind. I have sweaty palms. If I have sweaty palms, I have sweaty palms. Once you feel like it's okay. A lot of the anxiety really does dissipate. It really, it really does.

Patrick Stewart, you know, he's been in theater, TV, film, and all, he said, he has a mantra and I love it. He said he is a mantra. Every time he, he goes on people, someone asked him if he still gets nervous. And he said, yep, every time. And this is my mantra. And he said, before I go on stage or TV or whatever, I say, I don't give, give an F right.

Mm-hmm he said, I don't give an F. And he says that to himself. Right. And of course he cares, of course he does [00:58:00] care. Right. But in that moment, when he say that you have separated from the outcome, and I think, oh man, I just, it just stuck with me. And every time I have something big, I just say, you know what?

In most of our lives, the stakes are pretty low. If I have a bad work meeting or a bad session, I have a bad session or a bad work meeting. The stakes are pretty low, mostly. So I would say step one, own it. Just what, however you are showing up. If you decide it's okay, then, then it's okay. You know, and you know, the stakes are pretty low in most cases I would say in step two would be you have developed habits over many, many years.

You're not gonna wake up tomorrow. And you know, sometimes mentally I could not even be worried. I could even feel pretty good, but physiologically, I still might have some old, some of the old [00:59:00] manifestations physically that still show up maybe little sweaty palms here or there maybe, but mentally I feel okay.

It it's just. You, you have habits that are sort of in hardwired, right? Mm-hmm . And so what you want to do is you want to just notice it. So that's step two, notice it that's it. And like,

you know, th this is where I would give an example is just be aware of what your mind does. Here's just a really quick example. Someone cuts you off in traffic and you're angry, and you, you have that mental story, the dialogue you create, oh God, they cut me off in traffic. I can't believe they did that.

You know, I'm running late anyway. They don't know how to drive. They, you know, oh God, that idiot, you know, like, and expletives or whatever you say, whatever you say now [01:00:00] consider this. Would it make you feel different about that situation? If you knew that driver was rushing his wife to the hospital as.

She's pregnant and he's would that make you feel different? Yep. Probably. Would it make you feel different to know the person just made a mistake and they feel terrible, they feel terrible. Have you ever made a mistake before? How does it feel when someone yells at you and honks at you and all that? So what do you know about a situation?

What do you actually know? You know, nothing, what you have is you have a series of assumptions, right? And that's where we live mostly is we live in assumptions. So in any situation you say, what do I actually know? Or am I just having a mental story? Am I creating a story here? Is it worth your energy?

Mostly. No. [01:01:00] It wasn't worth the negativity you felt for the next 30 minutes. After that guy cut you off in traffic, it wasn't worth that negativity. You should have just moved on from it. There was nothing you could do about the situation. And most things in your life are not worth your energy. Most things are not.

And I told you again, most our whole lives are really a series of microdecisions. And when you are unwilling to let something go, you were saying, yes, I am. I'm willing to carry this negativity in some cases forever. Mm. And that's why, you know, when I look at my past and I look at anxiety and all that it's stuff that's happened to me in the past stuff that's happened to me today, the guy cutting me off in traffic stuff, everything takes up real estate in your mind.

And most things are just not worth it. And unfortunately, I had to have a cardiac arrest and I had to be dizzy all the time to really get it. Wow. Yeah. That's some excellent advice. And I think. Something. I [01:02:00] realized just in the last few months of my life, is you ever hear somebody say, just let it go. And that would frustrate me so bad.

Cause I'm like, of course I wanna let it go. But I don't know how I think what Ryan, what you're saying is so key, you said own it. I, I I've been using the term accept it and it meaning and just like, okay. I, it happened, I can't change it. You can't change what happened, you know what I mean? Or even if it's a decision we made, we can't go back in time.

So I think the key to letting go is what Ryan's saying is owning it, accepting it, and then moving forward. Is, is that what you're feeling, Ryan? Absolutely. I would say, yeah, the step one own it. Accept it. Same step the, the step two would be again, you have to figure out a way to, to notice it. I'm not saying fix it.

I'm not saying. Even change it right yet, but you can't change what you don't see. So you've got cuz all those habits you've had over the years, so you've gotta find a way [01:03:00] to not take yourself so seriously. And, and what I've been able to do is say, oh, there I go again, what do I actually know here? What's worth it.

It's not drop it. Yep. And I, I think those two steps, right. There are a great way to start a great way to start, cuz you're gonna have to, if you have hard wiring and for me, some of the wiring was just my whole life. You it's gonna take a little time of creating the right habits to, to make the shift. Yeah.

And that was my next question for you. So as soon as you had this cardiac arrest, everything was perfect. Right? It took some time it took some time. Yeah. Yeah. So if you're listening, no, it takes time. It did it did talk about that, Ryan, what's your journey? Like what do you, what was the timeline before it went from effort to pretty regular schedule to, oh, this is second nature.

Well, I think the thing for me is whenever I would push it [01:04:00] too hard or worry too much, I would start to get sick. You know, I, I just wouldn't feel good anymore. I'd start to feel lightheaded. My blood pressure would tank and I just wouldn't feel good. Because your emotional system has so much bearing, you know, I have electrical problems, so it has so much effect on the brain and, and stress and, and things like that.

So I had to manage my stress. I had to get a certain amount of sleep. Otherwise, eventually, you know, I would go downhill and I had to deal with this PTSD. Like I always thought I was a moment away from the end, I just, but once I, I learned how to number one, have boundaries, number two, prioritize and make a series.

When you look at people who are successful, who are able to live fully, they don't have, they don't make more decisions. They make better quality decisions. Yeah. And so I had to really look at what that, what that was for me. And it was really just me becoming [01:05:00] aware of, you know, of my own worrying. And, and once I developed the awareness and I still, I still worry on occasion, but then I go, okay, what do I know what and I think it's also important to plug into a resource listen to something, listen to a little audio, listen to something every day that, that pulls you back in, because if you, most people live on to-do list, it never ends.

And what you're gonna do after a catalyst. So maybe you read a book and you're like, oh man, I'm motivated. Now that's a catalyst. Or you feel motivated. You go to a talk and you feel really Mo that's a catalyst, well, after a month or two, that's all gonna fade away as you, as your life becomes busy. And, and you you're in the to-do list, you know, and you've got three kids and you've got a busy career and things like that.

[01:06:00] You're going to go back to what's familiar. And what's a habit for you, which is usually an old habit. So you've gotta find something every day, two things, I would say, number one, something that keeps you grounded in audio, a workbook. And if you guys reach out to me, I can always recommend a few things, but it's something that really resonates that keeps you into that awareness.

Right? But number two, you may have to make some decisions that get you outta your comfort zone. Or are unfamiliar, right? Yep. A lot of the clients I've worked with sometimes to make a real change, they've had to make decisions that they couldn't, they wouldn't have thought of before it was outta their comfort zone.

It was unfamiliar and, and they had to do that. You know, I, I remember when I [01:07:00] had a psychologist as a client once my very first psychologist and I've had all kinds of executives and military generals and all kinds of, and the first time I had a psychologist, I was a little bit, like, I thought they were supposed to have all figured out, like, why do I have psychologists as a client?

And then I realized that we're all just people, we're all trying to figure something out and we can't see ourselves. So of all the thousands of clients I've had. almost always, I could see a solution right in front of them and they couldn't see it and they couldn't see themselves. And that's what my book is about too.

It's really about the inability to see ourselves. And so I think if you can get to the point where you can see yourself and you can be aware of what's going on in your head, you will not be able to change unless you can do that. Right. [01:08:00] So you need to develop that awareness and then start to only then can you start to shift those, those habits now talk about from the cardiac arrest to your new career, how did that transition come about?

And it's so funny, cuz in, in most, even with my clients, the careers they end up in, they could have never planned. Especially in college, you know, it's, you could never, like, I never knew what I did was, was even an option. So don't put so much pressure on yourself to find the role that completes you cuz you'll there, there is no such thing.

You're the, you're not a role, first of all, but what you do should just be extension of you and there's so many different ways that can manifest. Maybe you like doing three different things. Who knows. But I fell into it. I was a coach for a long time and then I found an [01:09:00] opportunity to work with organizations.

And then eventually I became a trainer for organizations and I retrained them and that got me involved with the HR departments of organizations. And then I started, okay. I found that I was really good at, you know, creating onboarding programs for companies and. Creating mentorship and coaching programs because it lowers company's turnover.

And then I started tracking turnover performance. I started managing projects that improved company performance, because if you take care of your people and you help perform better, it improves a company's bottom line mm-hmm . So then I it's just like one thing led to another. And before you know it, I was managing big projects for some major companies developing onboarding programs, coaching programs [01:10:00] brand taking devouring.

What, what I could learn at every stop. And that's the key is I just, every anything? I didn't know, I just devoured it eventually worked for a leadership company and then I, everything I learned I used and I just started my own business as well. Then I got interested in, you know, in all these different and, and I, I just started building this thing and I never knew I could do it.

I just never knew it. You know, I never knew I could manage my own business. I never knew. And I could replicate it in different industries as well. You know? So that's fair plan for it. Yeah. No, no. Some best things usually don't happen when we plan. Right. What're is the saying, if you want to make God laugh, tell 'em your plans, you know, so, oh yeah.

Oh yeah. I, I always say you have to be okay. [01:11:00] Living in uncertainty and that's what makes people uncomfortable is they have to be certain right now. Like that's my path. That vision of myself is who I am. That's that's who I am. Is that I would challenge that. I, I don't know that that's who you are because people think who they are as a resume.

That's not the case. Mm-hmm you are not your resume. Those are all just extensions of who you are and you don't know how that will always play out, you know? You just don't know. No, I think that's excellent. Excellent. So Ryan, let's do this between your birth and today, is there anything that we missed that you wanna touch on a lesson, significant point in your story?

Anything we missed or do you wanna pick up where's Ryan today and where are you heading? I think, [01:12:00] I think going today and, and where I'm I'm heading is, is a great way to, to go. Looking back, I, I just. You know, I, I think of all those little, the journey and, and all the anxiety and all the different things.

And it's easy to look at someone who is successful and, and you, you don't know what they went through to get to that point mm-hmm . So I would just say the comparison to other people never helps. And but in order to do the things that are aligned with you, in most cases, you're gonna have to take a risk.

You're gonna have to let go of outcomes and be okay in uncertainty. And yeah. Sometimes make choices that make you uncomfortable. So [01:13:00] what I do today is I I don't do much one-on-one coaching anymore. I did thousands of sessions for different organizations, the military as well. And I have I now work with groups and I work with purely just companies, organizations managing their project, their projects never thought I would ever do that.

never, never thought. But you know what, you know, it's, it's been a great journey. I, I regret very little in the sense that, you know, you, you learn something are the decisions I would've made different. Absolutely. Absolutely. But it's hard to, you know, if, if I had made any of those decisions differently, maybe it would've [01:14:00] gone a, a different way.

Maybe it would've, you know, everything you've been through is, is It's part of your, your story. It doesn't make you who you, it doesn't make you, you, but it's part of your story. And and with that said, it's all part of the story. It's all building us. It's all growing us. And, you know, by the town, we get our life right where it's supposed to be and quote unquote, perfect.

It's time to go home, right? it's, it's done some of us. We live to be 20, some of us to 110. The average life is 70, 80 years. It's not only statistically proven across the globe, but it's biblical. So for those people listening, Ryan, and they're struggling with anxiety and they're looking to learn to accept the uncertainty and be free.

What words do you have for them? What message do you wanna share with them?[01:15:00] 

If you were on a deserted island, who would you be? Would you still be a lawyer? Would you still be a doctor? No. So if you're on a deserted island, are you're still a lawyer? No, you're, you're a, a person, none of those constructs exist there. You're just there as a person. So who are you? I once worked with a soldier and she was getting ready to retire.

And she said, well, well, who am I now? I've been a soldier. And I said, well, you're still you. I mean, does your husband, does, does your husband, does he call you Sergeant or, or I'm guessing not. And you're a person before. You're a soldier. You're a person after you're a soldier. So I would say if let go is a term.

I know we talked about, let, let go. Everyone says, let go, just let it go. Let, let it go. Not many people talk about what that actually means. [01:16:00] Mm-hmm . And I think it's,

it doesn't mean that you, you don't worry, it doesn't mean that you don't have anxiety. It just means that almost that you embrace it, it's like you stop beating yourself up so much, you know, you're that's what I mean by own. It is make it okay. And if you decide that it will be okay, then it will be okay, because life is too short.

And I tell you what, when I was laying in the ICU and I thought I was, I was saying my goodbyes at 30 years old, I never thought about not once about my work, even though I'd scored my, what I thought was my dream job at the time. Didn't think about it. You know what I thought about? I thought about one thing you, you think about what I.[01:17:00] 

This she calls 'em in between it's a book called tinker bell, Jeru Jerusalem. They're like the moments in between the small joys. Right. And I thought about riding my bike to my favorite little spot near like a little pond, like a little duck pond. I just thought I had, I would never do that again.

And so I would say put it in perspective, if you're suffering with anxiety, you know, go through those, you know, own it, be aware of it, go through those things. But once you decide that who you are is okay, and, and you're not a role anymore, then, then then you won't be, you won't be your role. And. However you show up, you get to decide that and let it be okay.

And if, if you will never please everyone. I was a people pleaser so many years, you will never please [01:18:00] everyone. And I still don't still don't, but you know what? I give them permission not to like it. If I have a boundary and someone else is upset, I'm good with that. You know, it's like, if you're in a plane, they always tell you, you take the oxygen first and then you help other people.

Because if not, you're just part of the panic. And so if you take care of yourself in your head, you treat yourself better. If you take the oxygen first, you won't be part of the panic. And and just know that you're enough again, you know, if you're on a deserted island, you're, you're still you, you're still, you, you, your title, your role that has nothing to do with who you are.

You know, your, your, your purpose here is to explore that person. That is your purpose here. Your purpose here isn't to be a nurse or a doctor. That's not your purpose. Your purpose here is to [01:19:00] explore what it means to be that person. Hmm. The way you phrase presented it to pretend you're alone in an island.

And who are you? That's so many people, especially in America, they start off a conversation when they introduce themselves as, hi, I'm this, I am a blank, their career, their job. So I think that's quite challenging. So if you're listening to this podcast, you may wanna hit pause and think about who are you?

Who, who, who am I? And if you are on that desert island, what does it look like? And then Ryan. People who see something they like on that desert island, it's gonna encourage them to move forward and it'll naturally occur. But for people who don't like what they see, right? sometimes we are away, but we don't like it.

It's not who we wanna be. What advice do you give those [01:20:00] listeners? A lot, I think is just discomfort in being alone with yourself. If that makes sense. It's mm-hmm cause what we do when we fill lack of value, we're not enough. We try to fill it. We try to fill, I call 'em value gaps. We try to fill, fill it in ways that complete you, that those are habits, you know, it's for years I was chasing better visions of myself.

Okay. If I achieve this I'll okay. I'll be complete. Then I'll be complete then. And then when you do, it's like, ah, well that's not quite enough yet. But let me just get this like car and this income level. And, and then at that point, you know, then, then I'm good. I'm good to go. But it, the bar always raises, right.

You never quite get there. So I think when, when you don't like what you see and you, and you're sitting there, it's, [01:21:00] that is the time that is the time to embrace it because you need to figure out who you are. Cause you're absolutely right. When you meet people. The first thing they say is, well, who, you know, you introduce yourself and it's okay.

So what do you do? And, and they go, but that's all circumstantial. Like you know, when I was I remember I was in the back of a little pizza delivery thing and I was, had my hand in a little slop sink was pulling out a, just a sludge. And I thought, is this what I am right now? Is this me? I'm still that same person.

To my core, that was pulling the slides out of the of the old sink. Now my circumstances are different. I mean, yeah. Career is different income. Level's different. My understanding of everything I, everything is different circumstantially. Yeah. Mm-hmm . But if people were to judge me based on my [01:22:00] circumstances, then how do they, how do you know the person who's, you know, painting your fence or whatever, isn't gonna end up being, whatever you, you just, again, you don't know how people's stories are gonna play out, but at the end of life, the, those are all just roles.

Right. And, and what's important in life. Is are those things, those in betweens, those moments, you know, everything I do on the surface circumstantially is just me making a series of microdecisions that are aligned with who I'm being in a moment. And it just so happens that manifest as a career or a coaching session or you know, me having a habit of having too many cats.

It, it, everything I do is just a manifestation of these little microdecisions about that reflect my, my being right. Mm-hmm , you know, at the end of life, I mean, that, that is, that is really my purpose [01:23:00] though. It's just exploring this person, you know? And I, I feel at the end of life, that's, what's gonna be most important or those small moments.

So if you're, if you're uncomfortable with yourself, sit with yourself and you need to get really clear about what it, who are you when everything else falls away? I think that's very well said. So where are you today, Ryan? And where are you heading? How can we help you get there as a listener? You know, I, I love connecting with people, having these types of conversations.

I do have a, a book out it's it's about basically the abilities it's called the half known life. It comes from a Moby Dick quote and it is really people think, oh, the half known life it's really about your cardiac arrest and this and that. It's really actually from a, the Moby Dick quote.

And it, I take it as like the inability for us to see ourselves. And that's really what it's about. [01:24:00] It's about exploring who that person is. And that's really what I'm passionate about. It's not boxing myself in as a particular role, but it's really helping people in, you know helping them be their best and helping them explore those blind spots.

And, you know, hopefully the book helps with that is, is a catalyst. Hopefully it's a catalyst. That's the, the goal. Awesome. So if somebody wanted to get a hold of you or start in the process, should they pick up the book, then get a hold of you? Should they get a hold of you? Then you guys will work through the book together.

What's that look like? Where can they reach you? And what's the process start like in coaching? Sure. I I'm happy to help. I, I would say any of those options, whatever is or organic for them and feels comfortable for them. They can go to my website, RS linner.com, RS, L I N D N [01:25:00] E r.com. I've got all my social media links there.

They can go to Amazon as well. You know, they can start with an audio book or, you know, if they like Kindle or, or whatever suits them or they can go to my book website, which is half known life book.com, half known life book dot. Ah, excellent. And we'll put links to all this in his show notes, but if you want to get ahold of Ryan, you know, reach out to him, start the process on your own.

You know, why wait? Like our slogan says, don't just listen to great content that Ryan helps us bring. Right. But do it repeated each day. So you can have a great life in this world and an attorney to come. So Ryan you've really helped us. You've given us a lot of great thoughts. Hopefully now we can apply them to become better men and women.

Before we sign off this episode though, is there anything else we missed or any other thoughts you wanna share with our audience?[01:26:00] 

Treat yourself as if you're somebody you, you loved, you cared about, you know, oftentimes the advice, the love that we show family members or friends is not the same that we show ourselves. So take it easy. All right. Excellent advice. So, Ryan, thank you for being with us today. You truly are a remarkable guy.

I'm glad that we could have this time together. I'm glad that we can call each other friends. So thank you so much for being here. My friend, likewise, my pleasure. Thanks for having me. Oh, you're it's it's our honor. And ladies and gentlemen, you've heard Ryan start applying this start, continue in your journey.

Life's a journey, but really, maybe this is the catalyst moment for you to start the change of the next phase. If you need any help, reach out to Ryan, myself will do the best [01:27:00] we can to help you. If you know someone though that this episode will help, that's struggling with the anxiety. That's struggling with the O C D that's struggling with not fitting in.

Send this episode over in a link, it they're gonna see, they're not alone. Other people deal with these same issues and look, Hey, here's a path out. I'm not stuck forever. So share the show, share the episodes. And I'm not saying that for shameless promotion. I'm saying that cuz the whole purpose of this show is to help people grow and to glorify God.

So let's do it together. So I'm David Paco alone. This was our friend, Ryan. Thank you for being here today and we'll see you in the next episode. Chow 

The remarkable people podcast, check it out.

The remarkable people podcast. [01:28:00] Listen, do repeat for life.