Darcy Luoma | Dealing with Chaos, Managing Relationships in Crisis, & Becoming Thoughtfully Fit

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams at a friends wedding, marrying them, having two beautiful girls together, starting a business, and watching your family and company thrive. Then, imagine receiving a shocking phone call that changed your life in an instant. You are told that your home is surrounded by 50 police officers, a SWAT team, and complete chaos. In that single moment, your whole life is changed- forever.

In this remarkable episode, we talk about business, pleasure, real life, chaos, and surviving the deep, raw emotions that we all feel. Watch or listen now to help find purpose, joy, and forgiveness in life while going through serious trauma. Learn the proven method that today’s guest not only wrote a book about thoughtfully, but how she used this at the lowest point of her whole life to get through it. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Darcy Luoma story!

“Failure is essential for success.” – Darcy Luoma

GUEST BIO: 

Darcy Luoma, author of Thoughtfully Fit®, is a Master Certified Coach, dynamic facilitator, and inspiring motivational speaker. She has worked as director for a U.S. Senator, deputy transition director for a governor, and on the national advance team for two U.S. presidential campaigns. As the owner and CEO of Darcy Luoma Coaching & Consulting, she’s worked in forty-eight industries with more than five hundred organizations to create high-performing people and teams. The media has named Darcy the region’s favorite executive-and-life coach four times. Darcy balances her thriving business with raising her two energetic teenage daughters, adventure travel, and competing in triathlons.

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Transcript

Welcome to this week's episode of the remarkable people podcast, the Darcy Loma story this week, the first half of the podcast is all business it's tips that you can use in your life, in your business to help you move forward and be mindful and successful. Then in the second half. We're going to get into a deep, personal story about a woman who grew up was a hyper achiever.

Actually met someone at a [00:01:00] wedding. They had two beautiful girls together, happily married, start a business. Her business is thriving. And then the phone call that changed her life with 50 police officers and SWAT teams at her house. And her whole life changed from that moment for. So in this episode, you have business, you have pleasure, you have personal, and you have the deep, raw emotions that we all feel.

So in this episode, we're gonna talk about finding purpose in joy, forgiving people, going through trauma, the proven method that Darcy not only wrote a book about thoughtfully. But how she used this at the lowest point of her whole life to get through it. So get your pens and paper out. And once you're driving, get ready for [00:02:00] a truly remarkable episode.

Again, the first 45 minutes is more on the business and professional side. The second half is all about life and what a remarkable story. So share this with your friends and family. I know it's going to help you and it's going to help those. You love. So feel free to share it. That's not shameful.

Promotion is just so we can help each other grow. So at this time I present to you Darcy Loma.

Copy of INTERVIEW RPP E91 Darcy Luoma: Hey Darcy, how are you today? I'm fantastic. Oh, it's so good to have you here. I'm very excited for this interview and I have been for weeks now, my audience and our community, we just told them all about you.

So they're pumped as well to hear your story and to hear your practical tips for helping them grow and being [00:03:00] free. So at this time, Darcy, please go through your story the past, all the way up to the present. And then we get to the present. We'll transition into where's Darcy today. And where are you going?

So hopefully me and the audience can help you. That sounds perfect. David, I'm so honored to be here. Oh no, it's our pleasure. So thank you. So start off. Where, where were you born? What was your upbringing like? Yeah, so I grew up in Minnesota in the twin cities and a small community and graduated from high school.

And I took a gap year before. That was a thing way back in 1989. I actually lived in Germany for a year. The year the wall came down, so it was a, oh wow. Oh my gosh. Historic, crazy time to be living in in that country, came back and went to college and got [00:04:00] my degree in math and German too. I was certified to be a teacher and started my Career by jumping into a sort of, instead of going right into teaching, I went into politics and was training teachers to lobby the legislature so that they could advocate for better policies to get funding for the classroom.

And that was what ultimately had me shift from education to the political campaign nonprofit sector. And so then I spent probably about 20 years and that industry in that sector Working for presidential campaigns and for our governor here [00:05:00] and four, I worked around the office for one of our us senators for 12 years.

And and then when the Senator I was working for announced that he was not going to be seeking reelection. That's when I hired my own life coach to help me navigate the next chapter and to decide what was going to be next. And that was where I completely pivoted and left the political industry and launched my full-time.

Business Darcy Loma coaching and consulting. So I try to hit on some of the big highlights there. David, you tell me wherever you want to go deeper. Yeah, I know. Let's start off with your family. So you're born in Minnesota. Did you have a traditional home? Did you have brothers? Sisters? Did you have like a healthy upbringing?

Was it [00:06:00] challenging? What was that? Yes, I had I have one sister who is two and a half years older than me Lynn. And she was a natural athlete. I mean, she was phenomenal at basketball, softball, volleyball, golf. So I decided and learned very quickly. I was not wanting to follow in her footsteps when all the teachers like, oh, you're Lynn's sister.

Oh, you're going to be great. No, I don't want that pressure. So I, she took French. I took German. She did all the ball sports. So I did cross country running, cross country skiing and track. And that was a big part of my upbringing sports and being on teams. I was also skied on the junior Olympic team. A couple of times had parents who were just incredibly supportive.

My mom was a teacher. My dad was a well, he started out as a teacher, then a principal and then was a [00:07:00] superintendent of public schools. And so my parents had a very, very strong value for education. Very middle-class blue collar upbringing the minds of the INR minds of, of Northern Minnesota.

And they were both very, very poor. So they instilled in me a love of learning and a discipline and a work ethic that really served me. So, well, and, and it's one of those things, David, where your strength taken to the extreme becomes a weakness. I grew up with this discipline, like you work hard. And so last year, every year I have an intention.

Last year of my intention was playfulness because I was like, oh my God, I've been working so hard since I was nine years [00:08:00] old. I was out doing corn detasseling and raspberry picking and cleaning houses and babysitting. I worked for the rollerblade demo team. I mean, oh my gosh. So there was a very strong finish Lutheran, you know, sort of Hardy upbringing that shaped who I am today.

Yeah. It sounds like, it sounds like he was go, go, go, go, go, and be productive and redeem the time. That's kind of the mindset, right? Yeah. And, and, you know, work hard, do good, give back, serve others study, learn that that was very much the upbringing that I had. And then when this is all going on, you decide to take a gap year when gap years were really frowned upon in [00:09:00] life.

I mean, it wasn't like a good thing that most people encouraged. They were afraid. You know, we grew up with the mindset. If you take a gap year, you're not going to go back to college. And that was the end game for everybody go to school, go to college, get a job in. Right. So when you went to Germany, did you go with a group?

Did you go by yourself? How did you make that? So I went through the rotary exchange program. And so it was a rotary exchange student. And let me paint the picture in case you have any listeners and fans who are millennials. When I got on that airplane to go to Germany, first of all, it was pre nine 11. So my whole family and friends were able to go through security and come to the gate and like, see me get on the, you know, through the, give them my ticket and get on the plane, which is just bizarre to think about today.

And when I landed, when I arrived there, this was pre-internet. So this was pre cell phones. This was pre email. So [00:10:00] when I got there, my host family had a sign of that. I found them and they rotary had four rules. Forties, no drinking, no driving, no dating, no drugs. So when I got there and I could not have any phone conversation with my parents.

So I wrote all handwritten letters to my parents and my friends back in Minnesota, all of whom were going off to college. And it's interesting, David, because when you asked about upbringing, so I shared with you sort of the disciplined, rigorous appearing I had when I got to Germany, I had this realization pretty quickly.

I didn't realize it before I left, but once I got there, I was like, Nobody knows me. Nobody knows that I was in national honor society and German honor society. And I lettered, you know, [00:11:00] five years on varsity and that I was this straight, a student salutatorian. And I realized like, oh my God, I'm free. I can do whatever I want.

And so because it was a gap year, it wasn't counting towards high school. It wasn't turning, counting towards college. So while I was, I was in the 13th grade, they have a Gimnasium in Germany. And so I would go to school late if I got there and the desks were normally in a U shape. If I got up there and the desks were all in a row, We have a test today and I'd say, yeah, I'm like, I'm out of here.

And I would go walk to town and go to McDonald's where you could order a beer and fries because they didn't have a drinking age. Right. So, and I was partying and I was going out late and drinking. And after a couple of months I realized, yeah, this isn't me, [00:12:00] this isn't fun. And so I, I don't even know if it took that long.

It maybe it was more like a couple of weeks. I just realized, like, I like to be learning. I like to be in school. I like to follow the rules. And that really gave me the chance to almost get that out of my system. So when I came back and went to college, I just was very focused and, and ready to, to study and to dig in nice.

And then anything during the college years, because we're all constantly growing and learning and being formed and God's shaping up. For what he has for us today and in the future. But when you were going through college, what was your studies? And was there anything significant to happen during that period that sets you up for failure success in the future?

Yes. There, there was a lot clearly that has impacted who I am today. So when I came back [00:13:00] to the states and started school, I mean, a couple of things happened. I over the fall semester I decided to apply to be an RA resident assistant. So I could practice and go through the process of interviewing and so that I could apply for in the future.

And they contacted me over winter break and said, we have an opening. Would you be willing to start when you come back in January? I'm a freshman. They're like, yeah, that's okay. You know, you took a year off. And so I came back and I was an RA and for multiple years, and really loved that experience of creating a an environment and a culture on our floor and our wing for the, the, the girls to be able to feel connected and safe and trusting and have some fun.

I then [00:14:00] started working for a leadership consulting firm in college, and it was a professor. I was also the TA for his advanced leadership course, and I learned a lot through him and through those experiences that really. Gave me the foundation for what I'm doing today with my, with my company, I said, I spent 20 years in politics.

I learned there how much I loved to look at human dynamics and behavior and communication and conflict and team dynamics and leadership. That's where I really got to see how much I love that I was the director for the leadership Institute, where we would bring every week in the summer, 40 high school kids to the college campus, where I was and give and give them a leadership experience for a week.

That's where the love of what I do now. The plant, the seeds were planted. They just took a long time for me to be able to harvest and to actually have the courage, to, to jump, to [00:15:00] start my own company, to do what I love. Those were really some, some critical experiences that I, that I had in college that shaped who I am today.

Prepare yourself for, or seize the opportunities you were given. So we have listeners now being like, oh, I can't go on a gap year or I can't go to college or, you know what I mean? But at the same time, wherever we are, we're surrounded by opportunity. We just have to see it and have the right outlook. 

What advice do you have for people who are in a situation that may seem bleak or they're on the top of the world, about to seize, you know, take life and it's their oyster, right?

What opportunities, how do you view opportunities? How do you recommend people look at life and seize the opportunity? Yes. I think that's a complex question because I could give a trite answer [00:16:00] and, you know, say you just kind of go for it and you need to make the best choice. And yet I know that depending on where you're at and what your life circumstances are, what your emotional state is, what your support system you have, or don't have all can impact your ability to.

Grasp and go for opportunities. And so I want to just acknowledge if somebody is listening and they're feeling stuck or they're feeling scared, or they're feeling like, oh, I don't know if I can take this risk. I just want to acknowledge the reality of that. Like yeah, of course those obstacles are real. I get it.

So first thing I would say is just acknowledge. And I, even, when I'm working with clients, I meet you where you are like, that's, [00:17:00] we're not going to be like, just, just feel the fear and do it anyway. And, you know, and ignore that jump and. Because those things can be debilitating and they can shut you down and they can keep you stuck.

So having said that some of the things that I think helped me because I had those same things, I had imposter syndrome and fears and all of, all of those things that can get in the way. I think what some of the things that I learned throughout my process of thrilling, embracing opportunity was opportunities was to lean on my support system to find mentors.

Eventually once life coaching became a thing I have hired and worked with coaches, executive coaches, business coaches, I've had parent coaches, life coaches, relationship coaches. I invest a lot in [00:18:00] getting the support and resources and designing systems for accountability to help me. Be able to take a risk, make tough decisions, follow through, be accountable to living the life that I want to live.

And I didn't always do that. I'll say that those 20 years that I worked in politics partially and largely it was because I didn't have the courage to take a risk or to be bold or to do something that wasn't maybe. Looked highly upon. And so I'd get a call from somebody saying, Hey, you know, we've got this job.

We think you'd be great. I'm like, oh, they think that'd be great. They have a job. Okay. And off I would go. So I don't want to, for a second pretend or be here saying you just need to do this. And it's easy because it took me a long time to and, and I'm still working to figure it out. [00:19:00] Now I feel like I'm just babbling.

So let me pause there. No, I mean, my question is a little vague and not well-directed, so it's my fault. But what I was trying to say is your story in the remarkable people podcast, it's all these things you've achieved is amazing. And now we want to be able to break it down in steps of so how the listeners can too.

So. When you're going through your life, you clearly had a mindset that look for opportunity and seized it and look for opportunity and seized it. So I was just trying to get a clarification for what you take for granted, and don't think twice about how you're wired. That's something people really struggle with because you could have 10 people who all see the same opportunity and you're the only one who goes for it.

So that's where I was heading with that. You're a high achiever, you have multiple gifts and abilities and several different disciplines and areas. So there's something about the way your brain is [00:20:00] wired. And I didn't know if you ever zoomed in on that and really focused that as part of your practice that, so that's why I was asking, is there a mindset that you recommend your clients and help them to achieve?

Thank you for just honing in on that and restating that question. I I'm grateful and I love the question. I would say it's a two part thing. One is as you just named it's it's my DNA. It's who I am. It's how I'm built. I love a challenge. I have. It's just, I always have been that way. Having said that I also work really hard to cultivate that mindset.

And, and if we put it through the lens of a, of a structure or a framework, I, there are areas in my life where I work hard to embrace a growth mindset where that growth mindset is. Okay. I'm not, when I, when I first started on a cross country [00:21:00] skiing, I had no idea what I was doing yet. Right. Go through growth mindset.

Always adds yet. I don't know how to ski yet, but if I decide this is important, I'm going to figure it out. And I'm going to commit, I'm going to practice. I'm going to train. I'm going to find the coaches or the mentors to help me, whereas a fixed mindset personality. It says, I don't know how to ski and it's scar.

It looks scary and it looks hard and I don't want to look foolish and I don't want to fail. So I'm only going to do things that I'm good at a growth mindset is all about saying that, you know, it's failure is not the opposite of success. Failure is essential for success. So jump in work hard, fail fast, fail, often fail big, and then you can break through to getting, getting to success.

And I say in the areas that I choose, because there are other areas of my life where I, where I'm choosing not to have a growth mindset, I don't know how to. [00:22:00] I, I don't, I don't care to learn how to cook, so it's not. And I, if I chose to, I could say yet, and what if I wanted to, I could absolutely figure that out and tackle it and become a great gourmet cook.

That's not of interest or passion of mine. So I'm just like, you know what I cut and teat and throw some salt and pepper on and it's good enough. But in these other areas where someone might be listening saying, well, I'm, I'm not a public speaker. I'm not good at math. I'm not a runner. I'm not whatever it might be.

That mindset is, if you say yet, then you can be, if you, if you choose to be, does that, does that kind of break it down a little bit more data? Yeah. A hundred percent. That yet mindset is fantastic. So if I want to break down and repeat, and you correct me, if I'm wrong for the list, What you're saying is we all have gifts and abilities and anybody can become anything with the right [00:23:00] attitude and enough time and work.

But you look at it as, okay. I don't know how to cook. I don't have interest in cooking and yeah, I could cook, but what I could do in eight years learning to cook somebody who loves it, we'll do it in three months. So why bother? I mean, is that pretty much what you're saying? So then you focus your attention and energy on the other aspects of life that you are interested in, you have gifts and abilities and you can get more done.

Yes. Yes. And it's really about being able to give yourself permission. To focus on what, what brings you joy? What is your passion? What are you, what do you want to spend time learning and growing and doing? I am certain in another life chapter in the future, I will embrace cooking. I will love it. It's right now, not what brings me the most joy at this phase as I'm growing and building my business and, and [00:24:00] working In in the life phase I'm at.

So I think that's beautifully said, and not only will it take three months versus eight years, there will be more of a, of a, of a, of a flow and more joy. If you give yourself permission. I, I know that because I didn't do it for a long time and I was really good in politics and I was really good at the jobs I did, but it was hard.

And I constantly felt like an imposter. And I constantly felt like I was hiding. Nobody would know that nobody would believe that, but it wasn't until I really gave my self permission to focus on what brings me joy, that, that flow for you really started to be so much more fun and engaged and present and successful.

And let's do this. If [00:25:00] you're comfortable, there's a lot more to your store. We've talked about your past and the business, but there's a lot more to Darcy story we're going to get into. But before we move forward for someone trying to find their passion and to get into that zone, that flow, what are some steps you'd recommend that they start the process

depending on your personality. So some people are right, brain creative, visionary want to do a vision board. Others are left brain linear, logical. So I I'm going to give some thoughts and insights or ideas, tips that some of some may resonate for you and others may not. So, so choose. Sparks joy for you.

One of the things when I'm working with coaching clients that we do is break it down into [00:26:00] bite steps, bite sized pieces. So for instance, I'll have somebody of say after four months, What am I, God Darcy, I've been trying to get here for four years and you did it in four months. I'm like, I didn't do anything.

You did it. And what you did is that the end of every coaching conversation you identified, what's the next step that you're going to take and accomplish in two weeks. And that's all not, what are you going to do over the next year? Just what's the next step. And by doing that step by step, you make progress.

And so I think that's, for some people, that's a, a great way to break this down. So to start with, for instance what do you love? So when I'm working with clients, we'll, we'll look at, and they might say, ah, I really, I want to change careers. I want to go into something else. I don't love this. We'll start with step a is just.

List. And we'll start with like the, a list, the B [00:27:00] list and the C list. So the AA list is like, oh my gosh. When I think about this, it brings me so much energy and joy and curiosity and passion, whatever it is. And that could be an industry, it could be a company, it could be a person. Like I see what they're doing and I want to do that.

Right. Or it could be that company. I love their mission. I love what they're putting out in the world, the service, the product, it could be that, or it could be an industry. I love animals and I've never given myself permission, whatever it might be. The B list are things that you're like, I'm intrigued. And I want to know more.

There's something there. I don't know if it's like all my God a list, but there's something there. And then the seed list is like, these are the things that I know are not. In the ARB list, I've ruled them out. They don't bring me energy. There are things that I'm ready to let go of. I don't want to shit on myself.

Right? So give [00:28:00] yourself the opportunity to also write down that, that, that seed list, just the process of articulating that those lists and getting it from your head onto paper will be powerful. And the universe will conspire to support. Right there, because, so for instance, you wrote down, for instance, you never said, I love working with animals before.

All of a sudden you are you know, out at a happy hour and you're chit-chatting with somebody and they say, yeah, you know, I just joined the board for this organization that helps take care of abandoned animals. And you hear it differently because you wrote down your passion. You want to explore as animals.

If you hadn't written it down, it would've just been like, oh, that's great. What else do you do? How many kids do you have? But instead in that moment, you are more [00:29:00] aware because you brought it down. You're like really. What's the organization. How did you get into it? How long has the term, what's your passion?

And all of a sudden you leave that conversation. And the person says, you know what? I'll follow up. We're looking for a new board member. I'll send you the link or whatever it might be. So you, you, you, you first get it out of your head onto paper. And I find for people who are built this way, that's incredibly helpful because then it frees up more space for more creative thoughts instead of hanging on, you don't even know you're hanging on.

Your subconscious is hanging on to those first 10 ideas. There's no sprays in your head for the next 10 or 20 or 30. So you write it down. All of a sudden. Now you're out for a while. You're doing yoga. You're having breakfast with a friend and you think, huh? I never thought about that. And something new comes in your brain because you've done a D a data dump, a download of the [00:30:00] stuff that was there.

So let me pause that. That's that's one first step, one idea. And see if you have thoughts or questions. No, that that's excellent. That's what we want. We want to help people get out of ruts and holes and feeling stuck or feeling no joy and help them come into what God created them to do. Because so many people they're like, okay, they have sincere heart.

They want to help, but they're in management and they load it and they're like, well, my whole job should be helping, but I hate it. So they have this inner conflict and guilt and shame, and they're like, oh, I'm supposed to help people. And I hate managing, but what you're saying is you may be good at something.

But that doesn't mean that's necessarily what you have to do in helping people in this illustration could have 15 different applications and management just isn't that one, like you went into coaching, so it could be more of a one-on-one helping in different types of helping. So. [00:31:00] This first step and running it down and find that clarity is beautiful.

So definitely I think it's valuable. Yeah. And, and what you just said, I think is important that just because you're good at something, I mean, I was good at math. I was a math major. That that was not my passion, my joy. Right. Just because you're good at something you want to look at that Venn diagram of also what sparks joy and brings you passion.

And it can evolve and change over time in different life stages and writing it down for some people who are that left brain linear, logical, it might be a list ABC for the right brain. It might be a mind map and, you know, doing the circles, it might be a vision board and cutting out things from magazines.

So do it in a way that best serves you and your personality and your style. Once you've got that written down and that, that first step might take a couple of weeks, give yourself the time to, to do the first dump and then to let your subconscious keep working. And as you are going about your life and your day, things will [00:32:00] pop up and you'd be like, oh, I gotta add that to my C list when they just said that I should, I should apply for an I should, I should do that job in that nonprofit, like, oh, I just got a visceral reaction.

I'm going to write that down. Then the next step of what you can do is start to prioritize and to start to chunk it out and to say, okay, for my aid list. What of these industries, people, companies, where do I have a connection? Where do I have a warm lead? Right. Because it's always going to be easier to start down that path with a warm lead than it is completely cold emailing somebody you've never heard of me, but can we have lunch?

Certainly that's an option. Absolutely. It's an option, but I say it let's start. Let's make it easy. So if you look at that a list and you say, okay, I'm really interested in animals. And I realized that who are the people that I know [00:33:00] that are in the animal field, or I really am intrigued with this person and what they do, who might know that person.

And maybe I look on LinkedIn or I look on Facebook and see who they're friends with, that I might know that could open a door for me. And so you want to then write that next step is to identify. Who those people are. And then commit to just say, okay, I'm going to start with three. I'm going to reach out and I'm going to say, oh gosh, I didn't realize that my roommate, her in college, her dad works for the same company as this person.

I love. I'm going to reach out and say, do you happen to know this person? Could you make an introduction? Right. So lean in and then go off and do some informational interviews. And when, when, when, when I say that, what I mean. Reach out. If you get on the person's calendar, right. To say, can I, can I do a zoom?

Can I take you to lunch? Can I take you to coffee? Can I do a phone call? I'm really [00:34:00] intrigued with your company, your mission, your background, your skills, your whatever. I'd love to know, and then send them a couple of questions in advance. How did you get to where you are? It's not unlike what you're doing, David right here on these podcasts that you do beautifully.

What do you wish you knew now that you knew, or that you knew then that you know now, right? I'm intrigued with you because of this reason. What advice do you have for me? What steps should I take? What were some blind spots that you had that you didn't even know you had that you're aware of now? So when you go to do an informational interview, don't make it about you.

So a lot of times we'd be like, yeah, well, I'm so glad you met with me because I, while I started out and then they, and then they've started talk and talk and talk and talk people like when you're curious and interested in them. So keep it that hot potato it's back and forth. But, but when it comes back to you share a little bit, but then get that potato back to them.[00:35:00] 

And don't make it a bait and switch. So if you're reaching out to do an informational interview, don't say, oh, this is great. I love your company. Do you have a. No, no, no, no, no, no. Cause that's going to turn them off. Yeah. For those of you watching the podcast, you're seeing me laugh. I'm not laughing at Darcy.

I'm agree with her a hundred percent because Darcy, I bet you and I, and every other business owner, we're inundated with emails and LinkedIn messages and all these social media, all these people who want to help us or learn from us. And then they turn around, they're trying to sell you werewolf insurance or fricking something crazy.

And it's just a pain in the butt. Is that exactly what you're talking about? Don't do that. Don't do that. No, it's it is annoying. Yeah. And it drew into your credibility. Your you burn that bridge and it's a, to me, it's a lack of integrity. [00:36:00] So it's like, I've walked up to people and this and this isn't bragging.

But if you tell the truth, it always works. I've told people I'm here for. But I'm also here to help people. And I was totally honest and they laughed, they laughed and we had a great time. We got the business, you know what I mean? But you got to be honest. And what Darcy saying is so practical and so real, please listen to her and apply it.

Sincerely look for truth and knowledge in people and their story. And don't. Like trick them. Cause you're going to just gonna hurt them and you and everybody else. Absolutely. And another like really practical in the weeds. Nitty gritty piece of advice I have is honor. The commitment you set up front. I'm going to give you a very concrete example.

I had somebody reach out to me who wanted to have a conversation. My assistant gave her 20 minutes on my calendar this morning. We did a zoom call at 19 minutes. She said, Darcy, this [00:37:00] has been incredible. It's exactly what I needed. It's sparked so many things for me. I want to honor your time and say, thank you.

I was so impressed. I have never rarely do I have somebody who has, especially when it's that tight. If it's an hour, that's one thing, but 20 minutes. And I've got to tell you what, when she reaches out again from, and I think she will, we had a great connection. I'm going to say yes, because she honored my time.

She right. And so if you get on somebody's calendar for an informational interview and it's for 40 minutes at 35 minutes, I want you to say, oh my gosh, we've got five minutes left. This was so helpful. Here's the last question that I have and honor, and respect their time. It's so small, but it's so important.

Yes. Yes. So all the advice you're given is amazing. Anything else on this topic you want to wrap up or give another bullet point for helping people find that joy there's [00:38:00] 500 things I could say.

yeah, no, I think, I think that's, that's, what's important. The last piece I'll say, and then we can move on is in that conversation when you do that informational interview, right. You've you've reached out to somebody it's a warm market and you ask them questions. You were curious. At the end. I'm wants you to say thank you.

And given that I'm interested in X, what two or three other people might you or companies might you recommend that I reach out to, to learn more, to do another informational interview so that you can build on. And then when they say, oh, you know what you want to do? Podcasts, you should talk to David. He's fantastic.

Then ask for, would you, would you be okay if, would you be willing to share he has information, if, and is it okay if I reach out to him and share that you recommended it, and [00:39:00] that's a case where I want you to keep the ball in your court, because if, if I'm saying that and they say, oh, no, no, no. I'll reach out to David now.

If they don't do it, you've been, you, you become a nag and then you're like going back and saying, Hey, did you email David? Could you? And then they're just like, oh God, it's Darcy again. I want you to say, oh, I I'm appreciative of the offer to reach out, but I don't want more work for you. I don't want you to have to do more.

And that's sincere. If you're willing to give the email address. I am permission for me to say that you recommended it. I don't want you to have to worry about that. That way you don't have to become that nag in that pest. Yes. And to encourage those listeners out there, some people are amazing and stars and Darcy.

If I say something that's not accurate, if I say something you don't agree with, you know, call me out. But this is something that I want [00:40:00] to encourage. The people who are more on the shy, or maybe have a confidence issue. They feel like an imposter. You've got everybody has God given talents and abilities.

And if you do what Darcy says, it just gets easier. And for those in sales and marketing, you know what Darcy says works because when you start off in most sales positions, you're calling, calling, calling, calling, calling 90% of people you don't know, but then the referrals start pouring in and then 90% of your business, if you're good at what you do is referrals.

And you're not picking up the phone making cold calls. So this kind of networking, this kind of relationship building is amazing and real and the way it should be done. So I, I think that's fantastic, but I just want to encourage someone if it's this hard for them or scary, just do it. And the great thing is to underscore what you're saying.

It might be harder, scary up front, but people [00:41:00] love to talk about themselves. So if you go in with this mindset of being curious and present and engaged and listening, they're going to love you. And it's going to go from being hard to being easy because they love talking about themselves. Then the last piece is when they say, oh, yes, here, I've got a couple of names for you.

Here's the email addresses by all means, tell them that we connected. So then you reach out and say, Hey, David, I just talked to Sue. And she recommended that I connect with you because I'm interested in learning more about podcasts. And you're like, oh, I love Sue. Of course I'll meet with you. So three weeks later you have that conversation.

That's an opportunity now to go back to that first person and say, thank you. So you think I'm after the informational interview, right? But you track who they said to talk to, and that is another opportunity to make a hit and to go back and say, I just want to let you know that you recommended that I call David.

He was fantastic. I learned so much. And he opened the door for me to talk to someone [00:42:00] else that I'm excited about and that wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for you making time for me on your calendar. Thank you. So now, instead of being a neg and them avoiding your call, they get it. And it's like another emotional deposit in their emotional bank account.

They're like, oh wow. That's so nice. I'm so glad. Yeah. And that's so true. It's so true. So now Darcy, I want to transition the show into you've just had years of experience. You're working. With politicians you're achieving, you're transitioning into your own business. All this wonderful stuff is going strong.

Momentum's building everything seems to be clicking, right? So between this moment that we're building up to that's in your book and your birth, did we miss anything in the story up to date that you want to cover that significant for [00:43:00] the rest of the story?

The only thing I think that I am not touching on or giving enough attention to is how many times I didn't do it. Right. How many times I failed, how many times I screwed up and just. Learned. And, and again, I think that's that growth mindset. So you're going to learn a new skill. You, you, you, you, you can't learn to downhill ski without falling period.

You have to fall. It's a part of the learning process. And so I'm sort of glossing over all of the missteps, all of the embarrassing and not, not because I don't want to share or just, just because it hasn't our conversation. Hasn't really gone that way. And I'm a sort of highlighting a lot of these benchmarks.

In-between there was a lot of failure as well. [00:44:00] Yeah. And just so people who are listening, if you're not failing, you're probably not growing. If you're not in pain constantly, there's something not right. And when I say pain, you forgive me if that's the correct term, but when you go to the gym, But that's how you grow physically.

Right? It takes effort. It takes the pain, it takes uncomfortableness. It takes failure moments where you're dropping weight on your chest. Right. But the end result is Darcy and all of you who are growing and achieving, but it takes hundreds of steps to get to the success. Yeah. You got it. Perfectly stated.

Yeah. So, okay. Now Darcy, you are single and killing it. Where do you meet your husband? I met my husband. It was 1999. And it was going to a wedding, some friends of color in college, and I did not have a date. So I [00:45:00] went with my, my, a couple of Jackie and Pablo. I was there. They were my date. And At the wedding one of the groomsmen standing up in front of the church, the one in the end had this phenomenal smile.

All the rest of the groomsmen were standing up there, sort of very serious. And, and John was just had the smile and I leaned over to Jackie. I'm like, what is energy? Like I just love it. And so that was the first day we, we met and we started to date and eventually got married. I guess that's the very, very short.

Yeah. Well, I mean, that's a significant part of the story and I just want to make the timeline and everything work out. So take us now, you, professionally, you were saying how you started your own company, you're getting coaching on your own, and then you had your husband. So talk to us. [00:46:00] Yes. And so the timeline, not that we need to get in the weeds, but I will provide a little bit of context.

So I met John in 1999. In 2001, I came back from Florida. I was doing the recount for the gore Bush. Election came back. All of these elections are so corrupt. It's crazy. That was the hanging Chad. Right? I was on the front lines of the hanging Chad whole scenario, literally for 38 days on the front lines.

All right. Keep going. We, I, I think people's, they don't talk about politics and religion. I think that's a worst thing you can do. You should talk about politics or religion because that's what matters most the, your personal integrity and how you're leading the rest of the world. Right. But for this podcast, I want to focus on your story.

Cause there's a lot of good stuff. That's going to help people around the world. So we'll, we will skip politics in this episode. We can do another episode. [00:47:00] Yeah, that sounds great. And I, and I share that because when I came back to Wisconsin, I was on the road. Full-time doing national advance for this camp presidential campaign.

I took a job working for one of our us senators and it was 2001 and John and I had been dating a couple of years. And so that that job, we, we actually bought a house together and in 2001 and started to everyone, continued to date. And I worked for Senator Cole then for, for 12 years as the director of his office.

And so John and I got Pregnant. I got pregnant with John on, in [00:48:00] had our daughter Josie in 2006, we decided to get married. We got married 10 days before she was born. We decided together that we wanted to be married before she was, before she was born. So I was working full time, had my first daughter.

And we decided that because of lots of reasons, which I'm happy to get into it, but I'll skip over that. John would stay home full-time with our daughter. And so after three months maternity leave, I went back working full-time for the Senator. John stayed home. Full-time when my daughter was seven months old, I got pregnant again with daughter number two.

And so we have two daughters and he stayed home for the next eight years taking, taking care of them. So I continued to work for the Senate. In 2012, when the Senator announced that he was going to be retiring, [00:49:00] that was the time for me to figure out what I was going to do next. And so I hired a life coach and dis and she helped me articulate, you know, said, what would you do if in 10 years you had no regrets.

You looked back at this moment in time and had no regrets. And I was like, oh my God, I'd start my own company. And it was just so easy. It was so quick. January 2nd, 2013 was my last day with the Senator, January 3rd, I launched my business full-time I had two young daughters and my husband again, still was staying home.

And I told him at that time we designed together that The majority of small businesses and entrepreneurs fail within the first two years. And so I said, I, how, how are you feeling about continuing to run the home front? Like, I want to go all in if I'm going to do this, I [00:50:00] really want to make it work.

Not only because I like to be successful, but also. We're going to, for the first time in my life, not have a salary and not have a safety net, not have health insurance not have benefits. So he agreed. He's like, you bet. And so I spent two years work and my tail off to try to establish a successful coaching and consulting business.

So those are a couple of more dates that I just wanted to sort of fill in the gaps there in that timeline. Yeah, absolutely. Cause this episode's about to change radically where we talked about a lot of business, a lot of practical tips and people can go back and listen to that to grow their profession.

This is now it all intertwines, but this is now going to transition to a deep personal story and it's going to get quite different. So the other thing I wanted to bring up, just so we paint the whole picture. Is Darcy. Now you're married. You got two [00:51:00] kids. How are things in the marriage up to this point?

They seem great. Do you guys go to, are you in a church you're in social circles, what's normal life like for Darcy and John? Yes. Normal life is we joined the church and John was very active in the church. In the band. They had a rock band, he played bass and he helped to lead the youth band that they've every month that youth would come and play guitar and bass and have songs.

He did sound DJ had a lot of the church events. We had party Gras. We have a very progressive church. And we we were, I'd say we have. Plenty of challenges like all couples do. Of course he was an extrovert, very outgoing social. I'm an introvert, which people are like, what really? You're an introvert.

I love people. [00:52:00] I love social levels of connection, but I need to recharge my batteries. I need downtime. I need quiet to be able to recharge. And so we, we figured out how to make it work. I was the one on the front lines, making money. John was doing everything on the home front talking grocery, shopping, cooking laundry.

Snow blowing, you know, lawn mowing, taking the girls to get their teeth cleaned and their haircuts going with the, pulling them in the wagon and selling girl scout cookies, taking them to karate. And John, I mean, he loved being a dad. It was hard. I mean, it's hard. Anybody who stays home knows how hard it is, but he truly found passion there.

I would have people say, oh, isn't he jealous of you? I'm like, no, he, he loved that. I was doing what I loved and that he could take care of all of us. Like that was truly his, [00:53:00] his, his passion. And so he was the dad that would be. At, you know, little league or Peewee hockey's tournament, you know, games and, and, and karate practice, you know, all the other parents were myself included.

Whenever I was, there were, you know, at the practice doing this the whole time, John was like watching and engaged and he'd get home. He'd be like, okay, Jayden, what was that move that you did? You want to practice, but it's just, he just loved it. So it, for us, it was a very non-traditional. I mean, now it's getting, it's getting less unique to have stay at home dads, but still then it was a little bit nontraditional that, that he did all the home front.

And I did all, all of the, the, the sort of working front and for us, it worked. So I'm just trying to think if there's any other pieces of that. No, no. And so from there, everything seems to be going your focus of the [00:54:00] business. You're killing it, whereas life. Yep. So two years in, so I launched my business 2013, two years in 2015, I.

Was experiencing tremendous success. I worked hard for it. It paid off. I had a lot of clients. I had more work than I could handle. So I hired some staff to help run the business. And then I brought on six additional additional coaches and consultants onto the team. And we did a year-long search process, very rigorous when we wanted to recruit and bring on the right mix of people who had the skills, but also the, the value system that I had.

So we, we took we took our time finding the right people. So January of 2016 launched my coaching team and we had a couple of day retreat in person and [00:55:00] Madison, John made food and was a photographer and supported all of that. And then three months later. So it was March 17th, 2016. I had just left an executive coaching client and was driving to the west side and had gotten to a professional development training event that I was attending.

And my phone rang now, normally I would not answer my phone as I'm getting ready to start training. But my spidey sons just, I just felt compelled. It was my neighbor. And so I stepped out of the room and answered the phone and she said, Darcy, what's going on at your house? I'm like, I don't know.

I'm not home when there's 40 or 50 police cars and the SWAT team. [00:56:00] And they just took John out in handcuffs. He was barefoot and he wouldn't look at us and they took him away in the, in the police car. What are you talking about, John? Wait, what I mean, I, my head was spinning. I, oh my God, I'll be right there.

So I go back into the room, pack up my bag and my computer and start driving home. And I get a phone call from a detective and she said, Darcy I wanted to let you know that your husband was just arrested. And I want to find out where your daughters are because we want to make sure that they are safe.

And I looked at my watch and it was 10 after two. And the girls get on the school bus. Two 20. And so I said, she said, can you drive to school and pick [00:57:00] them up? And I'm like, I I'm on the west side of town. I can't, I can't get there in time. I don't even know where they are. John. He's a full time. Dad. I don't know if he's scheduled a play date or if they're going to act.

I mean, I don't know. I was, I was scared I was spiraling. I was spinning. And did she disclose to you, you don't have to say it now in the interview, but did she disclose to you at that point, what had happened? Are you still in the dark at that point? So, so I'm, I'm thinking, oh my God, where are my girls?

What do I do? And so, right before we hung up, I said, can you tell me why he was arrested? And she said, yes, sexual assault of a 15 year old girl.

I hurt, stopped. I. Just can't even [00:58:00] describe that moment. And yet, while I was in shock, I went into mama bear production mode. Like I don't have time. I don't have time to be in shock. I don't have time to cry. I got to figure out where these girls are. I gotta get, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta protect them. And I'm happy to share as much or as little as you want David, but that began this nightmare.

I mean, it wasn't even a nightmare because I had never had a nightmare. That, that, that was that awful. Yeah. No. If, if people haven't gone, most people have gone through some form of trauma, but there's a distinction between. Trauma and the [00:59:00] trauma that shakes your reality and core, like things you would never even consider things that you would think is a joke or not real, and you'd bet $10 million against it ever happening.

So you had one of those life-changing dramatic traumas, and I can only imagine what you were thinking and feeling. And a lot of it was your shock and just, just what's going on. So then if I'm hearing you correctly, your instinct kicks in, you go into what you call mama bear mode. And you're like, okay, at this moment focused on one thing, my daughters is that pretty fair assessment.

You bet. Okay. Yeah. Then just keep going on with the story. So. Yeah, so lots and lots of details. I'll I'll just give high level and then you tell me where you want me to fill in. Yeah, no. And just so our listeners know, I think this is gonna be the first episode. I break down into two [01:00:00] sections because your story is so different and your business advice is so solid.

So I think we're actually gonna break this up and two, a part, a and part B, but Darcy goes through all the details in her book. And I mentioned this in the intro, so you can get the book. I'm not trying to just pawn a book, but it's a great book. My friend read it. Cause I don't like to read a lot of books before the interviews.

Like I told Darcy because I want our conversation to be organic. So between our pre-conversation and what my friend told me from reading the book super powerful and not just an impressive story, but it helped my friend who read it, gave her complete relief and comfort in her own life. From what Darcy went through and was willing to share.

So what she's about to share with you is super powerful, but not a fun price, something you don't ever want to go through again, but it's something that you're now helping people who are going through similar things. So just tell your story, you get the call. You're trying to, [01:01:00] you don't even know where your daughters are, your husband's arrested and you're like, what the hell is going on?

Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of four letter word. Yeah, we can just mark this as explicit. Say what you want. We're good. I mean, oh boy. So basically what I found out, and again, I'll, I'll skip through because if we could talk for eight hours, but I found out my daughters were on the school bus on their way home.

I arranged with my neighbors to meet them on the bus that comes at the, at the corner. We live in a cul-de-sac it happened to be St Patrick's day. And so soon as the girls got off the bus, they're eight and nine. They're like, Hey, do you guys want to go? And we're going to give a Shamrock shake at McDonald's and then we're going to go drive to Milwaukee to a birthday party.

And they're like, okay. Right. They're just like these adorable young trusting. And they love our neighbors. And so they were able to sweep them away without the girls seeing all of the, the lights and the officers and the guns in that. Right. I mean, just [01:02:00] God. That bought me some time then, because what was happening in that moment is they were executing a search warrant in my house that, you know, I had only seen online.

I had never been exposed and I don't watch CSI and law and order. So I, I felt like I was super naive, like follow the rules, do things by the book. And so all of a sudden I'm at the forefront of trying to just like mammo Sopranos episode. And I'm like, I don't live this way. So they said, you, you were our search warrant.

We'll probably take five or six hours. And you know, you're welcome to, to come home after that. And of course, when I got home, every, every closet, every drawer, every room, everything was turned upside down and piles house was destroyed. And the officers are doing their job. But there are good people for the most [01:03:00] part, every once in a while you get a tool, but where the officer's understanding towards you, where they knew you weren't involved and they were kind, or would they be using Illumina harsh towards you?

Well, at this point they were very kind and they were very compassionate and there was, and even, even though my house was destroyed, it wasn't like they were destroying it. Yeah. They had a job to do and it's, and then going through, they're looking for evidence, they're looking for stuff. They're not going to like nicely open something and fold it and put it back right there, there they're in production mode.

And so they don't put things back. So it wasn't even, it was destroyed. It wasn't, they weren't being assholes. They were just doing their job. Yeah. And that in defense, like, obviously you're completely innocent in this and we wouldn't get into here husbands extent, but the officers are doing that. If people are being judgmental towards officers, they do it because there could be other girls [01:04:00] being raped.

Other girls, you know, even in consensual sex, but they're minors, other girls being sex trafficked. They're looking at the big picture trying to help. So when officers, they get low pay high criticism and they get made the bad person when they're really, for the most part awesome humans, but you just happen to be part of their activity, which trashed your house.

So I just want to make sure, because sometimes you do get that one out of a hundred officer, who's a tool, but I'm glad you got the 99 who are nice. Yeah, absolutely. And, and so what's crazy is that th th the charges were severe. And so I called a friend who was an attorney, and I said, I need help. I don't know what to do.

And so he literally just, he's like, okay, I'm going to give you some names. You need to call and get an attorney for John, and [01:05:00] you need to get your own attorney. I'm like, I don't need an attorney. I'm not. You need to call and get your own attorney. Okay. I right. I was just like following directions, following the rules because I was in way over my head.

My husband was taken away and put into jail. That night my daughters had never, I mean, never not had their dad tuck them in to bed at night. And the next day, which was Friday which happened to be our 10 year wedding anniversary he was supposed to be deejaying the SOC cop at school. So on top of all of this chaos, I'm also trying to find a replacement DJ because I, I, I, I finally connected with an attorney for myself.

I got an attorney for him. And A, I didn't know if [01:06:00] he would be being released that night. And I thought if he's not released, and even if he is, can he DJ that? Like, I, it was, everything was spinning. It was, and it doesn't make sense. It doesn't matter how successful you are, how educated you are when you have that kind of crisis in your life.

It's hard to think. It's so many things are screaming at you and overwhelming, and even just like, oh, I need to get a DJ. Cause I don't want more people asking questions. It's just like more weight, more embarrassment, more shame, more pressure, more bringing the wound open again, breaking the wound open again.

So I, again, I can only imagine what you're going through at this. Yes. And so my attorney that I called and hired, you know, on a whim the, the detective said, why don't you come down to the police station? And we can talk tonight. And my attorney has said, don't go to the police station. If there's media, if they get wind of this, they're going to get video of you going in and out.

And all of a sudden you're on the news. And I'm like, [01:07:00] oh my God, I would never even thought of this. There was just, it was, I was in so far over my head from right. Every, I mean, I didn't, I didn't sleep. It was, it was severe. It was then the next day it hit the media. So he did not get released that night.

They kept him, they booked him and stayed. He stayed in jail overnight. And the, the next day I had a big. At noon. I had been preparing for a long time, big keynote, big OD CEO's right. Like a perfect audience. I'm up all night, I'm crying. My eyes are puffy. I'm trying to get the house in order. So when the girls get home, at least they can get into, into their bedrooms to go to bed without seeing the host destroyed.

I could not clean the whole house, but I could make a path. Right. And and in the process of trying to find a DJ and getting him a, an attorney [01:08:00] and getting me an attorney and trying to call the child psychologist to say, what do I tell my daughters like help? How do I, how do I deal with this? I'm also then trying to prepare for this, for this, for this keynote and David, they confiscated everything.

So all of a sudden I'm supposed to bring the presentation on the PowerPoint on a USB stick. Well, every USB stick, everything was gone. So I'm calling my, and my attorney said, Don't talk to anybody about anything Darcy. I can't say this enough. We don't know what's going on. We don't know if you're a suspect.

Don't talk to anybody about anything. So I call my assistant and I say, Hey, could you figure out how to get the presence of PowerPoints from Dropbox onto a USB stick and drive to the site and meet me there? And can you get somebody to pick up the handouts and print them? Cause I can't, I can't get them off of my computer and deliver and meet me there.

Right. And I'm like, yeah, [01:09:00] why what's going on? Oh, it's fine. Like I'm having to self-manage and not have her worried. So I get there. Just in the Nick of time. I mean, eyes are bloodshot. I'm like putting on makeup on the drive there. The police chief calls me and he says, Darcy, I just want to let you know that I saw the charges.

I've been watching you over the decades. And I saw all you did for the community, working for the Senator and all you're doing now with your business. And I want to tell you, I am, I am so sorry, what you're going through and I want to give you one piece of advice. Don't read the comments in the online stories, whatever you do, that was the best advice ever.

So I'm talking to him, which, you know, and I pull into my, which of course means my GPS went out on my phone, so I have to pull over. So I pull into my keynote just in the Nick of time and I'm giving my speech. I had just gotten a new Garmin watch that connected to my phone. [01:10:00] I had turned off my phone on silent, but what I didn't know was that when phone calls, emails, texts, come in, my watch vibrates.

I'm giving my speech. All of a sudden my wrist starts going nuts and it's like, . And I'm like why? And I'm trying so hard to just be present, to give a good, what I didn't know until after my speech was done was that the news broke and my husband's mugshot was all over social media. ABC and be right. And it was people calling and emailing and texting saying, oh my God, Darcy, what's going on?

Are you okay? When I'm giving my evil David, it was just like this. It was, oh my God. It was so insane. And then I'm having to hurry to get home, to meet the DJ that I found that would step in, had two little kids. He's like, [01:11:00] okay, I can DJ on like 17 hours. Notice if you'll take my kids. Cause I don't, it, it was insane, man.

That's crazy. So now you get through this initial burst and now there's a second wave coming. Talk about that and also sleep. It's a real deal. Most people when they're going through severe. Their minds are a shell shocked. All of us know if we don't sleep, we can't think straight. So now you're combining these two and it just makes life even harder.

So how are you doing on a sleep front at this point? And where's your mind? I was not sleeping. I was a mess. I was scared. I was alone. [01:12:00] I took my attorney at his word and I didn't tell anybody. I didn't talk to anybody at all the people that were reaching out. I didn't even have the capacity to reply if I did.

I, it was just a thanks. Right. Fast forward a couple of days on Sunday morning. I find out that the pastor announced it in front of the whole church and said, you know, what said what happened and said, we're going to have a meeting after church to talk about anybody who wants to, because John was very active with the youth in church.

And I was like, oh my God. And then I realized it's Sunday. I have to lead a full day leadership team retreat tomorrow morning. I need to be there at eight. The girls have late start Monday. They don't get on the bus until nine. Oh my God, what do I do? Right. So I text a friend to say, Hey is there any chance the girl I asked the girls are, would you be willing to go to your friend's house tonight and sleep over and go to school in the morning?

Yeah, that's [01:13:00] fine, mom. I text and I'm saying I'm in a bind. Is there any chance you could help out? She calls me 30 seconds later and says Darcy before I answer that question, I need to know, did you have anything to do with. Oh, oh, oh my God. Okay. I didn't think for a minute, any like that didn't even Dawn on me.

And I said, no, no, I didn't. Okay. Well, let me tell you if they find pictures or videos of my daughter, I'm sending the mafia to your house. And my husband has ties to the mafia. Oh my God. Oh my God. This is my friend who was like, oh my God. So I, I hang up, I call my attorney and I say, I need help. And I tell him, what's going on?

He's like, well, Darcy, you got to get the girls the hell out of Dodge. And I'm like, well, what do you mean? Where, where, where will they go? And he said, well, do you have, do you have parents? And I'm like, [01:14:00] yeah, but my parents winter in Arizona and they don't know what happened. He's like, what do you mean? They don't know what happened.

You told me not to tell anybody. You didn't tell your parents, you told me not to tell anybody and they in a different media market, so it hadn't hit the news while it hit the news, you know, regionally. And, and he said, well, do you have any siblings? And I said, well, yeah, my sister lives in Minnesota, but I didn't tell her.

She doesn't know. He's like, okay, sorry, let me be clear. Like you, you, you can tell your family. And I'm like, at this point I'm scared. I'm just following directions like blindly. So I had, you know, no sleep because I'm trying to figure out what to do without being able to process this with my support system, with my friends, with my family and not to mention you haven't even touched on the personal betrayal, the pain you're feeling.

I mean, it's just circumstances like this go so deep [01:15:00] and other people's choices and sins affect us deeper than it affects. And it's so frustrating to watch and to hear, and what you just said about how you had quote, unquote friends, and now they're accusing you for tailoring your know, what the hell is going.

You don't even know what's going on and they're accusing and threatening you. That's just some shallow, what's a bad word. It's just some shallow. Toxic people and yeah, it's tough. It's tough. It was really tough. And, and, and, and on the personal front. Yeah, I mean, so I, I had to cancel, we were having anniversary day massages.

I had to have a cancel those. I kept my, my massage, which I just balled through the whole thing. The next day we were supposed to, we had rented an RV. We were going to go on a spring break trip and all the state parks. I had to cancel that. Right. I mean, I I'm, I'm like in this mode, not sleeping, not eating.

I mean, [01:16:00] just. Disaster of a mental state. And when my attorney said, get him, get him out of Dodge. I called my sister and who was five hours away. And and I said, Hey, where are you? Are you home? And she's like, yeah, we're just getting home from college visits and stuff. And I said, is there any chance that I could bring the girls to come stay there for a little bit?

And she's like, what's going on? And so I shared with her and she's like, oh my God, okay, we're getting in the car, we'll meet you halfway. So I'm driving the girls to their aunt's house the week before spring break. Right. We had a full week. So they, they were not in school that whole next week. It turns out long again, it's a long story.

So I'll, I'll sort of lead with the punchline. My sister said, Darcy, you need to protect these girls. They need to stay with me. Yeah. That's a good. Oh, she was so good. I'm like, oh my God. [01:17:00] And I'm talking to child psychologists, and they're like, you need to keep, when kids are going through a trauma, you need to keep as much as you can.

The same. They need their neighbors, their girl scout, troops, their teachers, their church. I'm like, yup. Yup, yup. Okay. Got it. Let me tell you what happened. And I'd share it and they're like, oh yeah, no, they need to move. So I gave my sister legal custody and they, they moved to Minnesota and, and finished the school year there.

It was, it was really traumatic for them to on a whim move and start their lives over. And like you said, not just not even to mention just the, the, the, the betrayal on top of all of that. I now have thousands of dollars of bills every day, tens of thousands of dollars. Right? When you think about criminal defense attorney, for me, for my husband, child psychologist, a therapist, I hired a PR communications firm to help me navigate cause my, my business is a hundred percent [01:18:00] reputation.

And so now I'm at risk. And my whole, I tend to feel like I have good instincts in this case. My instinct was, I need to work. I need to PR I need to make money. My crisis communications firms, the president of the company, he was the one that was working with me and she said, Darcy, you need to stop working for a couple months.

That was exactly opposite of what my instinct was. And I said, I, I totally disagreed. And I said, you know what, here's the deal. I'm not thinking straight. I'm emotional. I disagree, but I'm paying you to advise me. So I'm going to do what you say, even though I don't think it's a good idea, David, that was the best advice I could have gotten.

It was, it was essential for me to hit the pause button and to create time and space, to grieve, to process, to experience the [01:19:00] trauma, to get my house in order. I, if I hadn't done that, I would have just been producing and, and moving and. Well, I'll tell you what, I would not be able to talk about it today as I am with you, because I would be, I would have delayed all of that grief that all of a sudden my husband's gone.

Cause he didn't. When he, when he was taken to jail, he did not get out on bail. He's got was a hundred thousand dollar bail. He's gone. My daughters are gone and my house is destroyed and I'm now not working. Ooh. I mean, there's nowhere to go, but deep within you know, and to be present for the emotions, the trauma, the recovery, that was hard to be present to that.

That was probably some of the hardest work I've ever done in my life. Yeah. And there's listeners now who [01:20:00] I know are crying and there's people who are sadly. Two and tune towards what saying, cause similar things have happened to them and some of them didn't have the resources financially family to even get a break.

So you think the Lord we're able to contact attorneys into contact counselors and to get, you know, not a break, but you know what I mean? You had at least some help with your sister and I'm not trying to lighten cause you had a hell of a circumstance, but there's people listening now who had a keep going, not knowing like you didn't know, but not having the tools at their fingertips.

So then they live with I'm sure. Even with you, with the tools you had and the connections you had and the resources you had, you probably made a thousand quote unquote mistakes. But come on. There's no handbook for these circumstances and [01:21:00] situations, but yet people judge you so harsh. During these times and critically when they would have fell apart, just getting a paper cut, you know, so you get these two months to recover in a way, but it's not easy at, at all.

What's going on. And then what did you have a conversation with your husband? Did you face them down? What's going on there? Yeah. There's so much, right. There's so much. And I want to acknowledge and underscore what you're saying, that I had a tremendous amount of privilege that I was able to have a support system.

I mean, financially I took out loans. I took out a lock. I had to, I mean, I was fine with forgive me. I was not trying to diminish or minimize your hardship at all. What I am saying is I wouldn't want to go through what you went through and. You had means is what [01:22:00] I'm saying. Absolutely deans. I mean, there's people who, if they don't go to work, they're not there.

They don't have the ability. I have a luxury to be able to stop working and my company kept going while I, I recognize my privilege. Yeah. So that's what I'm saying. I didn't mean to hurt you in any way I'm getting teary-eyed. I just know that there's people in similar situations it's so sucky. And then on top of it, they have to keep going with a smile on their face with no break.

And I don't understand. It's only God. Oh, oh, a hundred percent. You were naming it. There's your I'm I'm underscoring what you're saying. So as all of this is happening I'm trying to figure out who who's my husband, who is this person? What happened? My attorney said when John calls you everything's recorded, do not talk to him, do not ask questions everything's recorded.

It was [01:23:00] awful. It was awful having to be in, you know, in, in conversation without being able to say what the, you know and navigating that. And I eventually did go to visit him in the county jail. And over time my girls did come back in the summer and eventually. I did tell them what happened. I needed some time to figure out how to tell them.

And so, and I've had to work with the therapist and the child psychologist. So I just said, dad made a bad choice and there's been consequences. He's safe. He's okay. I'll tell you more as soon as I can. And so eventually I shared with them and eventually took them to go and visit him. And it did get to [01:24:00] the place while his legal process was, was happening that, and it took about a year and a half for his Sentencing to happen.

We went, we went to see him every, every week down at the county jail. You know, going through multiple thick doors and locks and glass, and we'd sit down on one side and pick up the phone and he'd come in and his prison uniform with handcuffs on and pick up the phone on the other side. And the girls are on my lap and I mean, it was yeah, you're all doing time.

You all had your freedom from it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've never thought of it that way, but yeah. So what did he actually get. Accused of and convicted of like, where did that all end? Cause I, I want to respect your time and I want to respect your day and I could do this for hours. And your [01:25:00] story is I know going to connect with people.

Yeah. He was ultimately sentenced to 10 years in prison for don't remember what the actual what the exact charges were. But at the end of the day, was it consensual or was it rape? Like what was the end result? Well, so because the victim was 15 legally, she could not connect. And so while they've found out later and uncovered new evidence later, that discovered that it indeed was consensual, that did not come out until after he was in prison.

And so it was that's why I'm trying to remember what the actual charges were. But, but you know, he was convicted maybe with severe, right? It was, it was kind of his child, child pornography and [01:26:00] sexual assault. This isn't that funny that I don't remember. No, that's actually, that's a sign of, well, first off, when you have trauma there's blocks and memories get lost.

Yeah. I went through some trauma and I will meet people. They'll know my name they'll know about me. Like, dude, you helped me with my business and grew crazy. And I'm like, listen, I'm not trying to be a jerk. I just don't remember. I literally there's like blocks of memories just gone. So I was functioning at a high level.

Yeah, I wasn't connected in humanly there, like, you know, and so I know what you're talking about and our listeners do too, but with your husband, you know, there are certain states that are statutory rape or they just call it flat out rape, but were there other people or children involved or was this isolated to one?

Cause sending 50 officers, SWAT teams, that's a pretty severe reaction. So what did they think? What did he actually do? And what were they thinking? It was, yeah, so thankfully our, my [01:27:00] daughters were not at risk and none of their friends or acquaintances or anything, this was, this was all people girls on the.

Intranet that we didn't know. And that part of the reason this was so traumatic is because when something like this happens there, you know, we have a short attention span and there's a short news cycle. And so, you know, it's on the news 48, 72 hours later, it's gone away and everybody's moved on in this case.

What happened was the, the victim. It turns out, had multiple encounters with other men. And so as other men were arrested, discovered and arrest. Every time their mugshot was put up. My husband's was put up as well because they thought it was actually a sex ring, which it, which it turns out was not.

But they thought my husband was like in charge of coordinating and whatever that would be called. You said that at the [01:28:00] beginning of the show it's trafficking, sex workers. Yeah. Yeah. So it turns out to not be that, but of course, I didn't know. The media didn't know the prosecutors, nobody knew what the, you know, it's this whole process of trying to uncover that.

So there turned out to be maybe like five other guys. I don't remember give or take that were arrested over the coming months. And every time they arrested Johns mugshot was there. So this story went on. One time, which is why ultimately my, my sister said, they, they need to stay here. They can't be home.

You can't hide the nightly news and you know, the newspaper to come and get it. I opened up there's his mugshot. Yeah. And people are brutal. I mean, I don't want to speak for you, but I will speak for you in the sense you see, you're so polite and tactful, but people are jerks and you'll have people. You think your friends and they not only Bandon, you abandon you, but they betray you and you have other people that didn't realize how much they cared and they got your back.

So again, I can only imagine what you went through, [01:29:00] but the fact that every time this individual and a John, not your husband, John, but age on a man was caught having sex with her. It's just bringing it back up, over and over again. It's like the nightmare that keeps on giving instead of the gift that keeps on giving.

So talk about, I mean, you tell me whatever you want, this is your story, but we have, how are you progressing through that? What's going on with your husband? Is he repented at all? Is he just totally denying it? You know, what's his state and then bring us through resolution or at least the outcome. Yeah. So my mental state for those months, when they were all gone, I was, I was a mess.

I was crying. I was journaling. I was seeing a therapist. I eventually went to a a week long retreat called healing, intimate treason, or healing, intimate betrayal in the desert in Arizona, which was really intense because there was no internet, no phone, no TV. And it was like a deep dive. And that [01:30:00] was an important part of my process of healing and recovering.

And so eventually he was sentenced to 10 years in prison. He moved and went to Northern Minnesota where where he was to, to serve a sentence. He was. While while before he was sentenced and before we could go visit him there, everything was recorded by phone visits, everything. So he couldn't really repent or talk about it at all because we just, we couldn't, it was just, we couldn't talk.

His attorney said, don't talk. My attorney said, don't talk. So it was the worst. It was the worst thing ever. So we, so we couldn't until eventually I mean, maybe it was probably three years. Oh, I can't remember. Now it's kind of gotten blurry, but when my daughters were going to China on a spring break trip they, they are in a [01:31:00] Chinese immersion school that I went to the prison.

I drove eight hours and went to the prison alone to see him to say, because at that point, then there were not recordings and guards. I could sit in the, in the room. Right. And to say, what. Why were you thinking what happened? What's what, right. And that was the first time we were able to just really go deep and cry.

And he was incredibly, incredibly remorseful embarrassed repented. I mean, it, it, it was, it was horrible what he did and he didn't try to minimize it, downplay it, make excuses, [01:32:00] he owned it and he apologized and ultimately I think that was an important part of. My process to forgiving him and to being in relationship with him and to being at peace.

And I, I would imagine David, there are people listening right now who are confused or angry hearing me say, I forgave him. I'm I'm guessing there are people listening who have situations in their lives that were not as egregious as this, that they have not forgiven people for. And I don't have any judgment wherever you are in that journey.

But for me [01:33:00] man, my daughters are watching everything and I could not be in a place I chose not to be in a place of anger and bitterness and resentment. I, I, I chose to look for. Forgiveness and relationship, and to try to find the love and the silver lining through it. Now, would you say you forgave him before that meeting or you forgave him at, or after that meeting?

Because you can forgive somebody without them being repentant. You can forgive them when they are truly sorry. And sometimes people die and you have to forgive them after they pass. So did you get to the point of forgiveness before he repented to you and apologized? It was a journey and a process. And one of the, one of the things that I did, because I couldn't talk to anybody I journaled and journaled and I have [01:34:00] thousands of pages of journaling.

And so it would be interesting now to go back and look. And see, because it's probably foggy in my mind. I would like to think that I was on that process of forgiving him earlier than that. But I, I don't, I don't know is the, is the answer I'm not really sure. Oh yeah. No. And that's perfectly fine because I don't know.

I'm not a licensed counselor nor do I play one on TV, but in my own life and from talking to a lot of people, it's like a hundred times easier to forgive when someone's truly sorry. But when someone's active in the same center is a narcissist. It's really tough to forgive. So that's why I was wondering, because one of the notable characteristics that stuck out to my friend when she read your book that she wanted to ask me about was anger.

And you mentioned in the book that you didn't feel anger this entire time. Towards [01:35:00] him, you felt all the other emotions, but not anger and in the grief cycle and the healing and trauma cycle, anger is one of the core emotions that we all face now that I've listened to you. And I see that you had that three years where you couldn't even talk to him.

It's like, you want almost like beat on the person or hit him. Like, how could you do this? So you were almost denied that cycle of healing. Is that, is that fair to say? Or am I missing interpreting? Yeah. It's so it's so complex. I was devastated. I was so devastated. The place that, that anger eventually came was like, you know, the, the gutters are overflowing and like, this is your job.

This is what the anger came out in these weird ways. Right. Or there's like hair in the bathroom. Okay. Did come out. It did come [01:36:00] out. Yeah. It came out in these weird ways. You know, it's not weird. It's totally normal. Maybe. No. Cause you're the trigger like that sink being backed up. You're like, it's backed up.

If John was here, he could have been cleaning and maintaining my house. Right. Why isn't he here? It was like a quick subconscious unwinding of years of pain. So don't be hard on yourself. That's totally normal. I mean, if you weren't mad, that's why that's the one comment she made. She's like, how was she not angry?

And I'm like, I don't know. I'll ask her, but now I'm starting to see the picture. Okay. The other thing that's I think, I guess important for me to note is I work with people. It's my job, right? That's what I, I, I work with individuals, teams, leaders, trying to help them overcome their obstacles. [01:37:00] And people are flawed, like really flawed people are human.

People have two bad things. And I think because I'm in the relationship with people, that's very sacred, very confidential that they share openly with me. Like nowhere else, I'm talking managers, leaders, I'm talking normal people. That I see, I am able to access a perspective, David, of seeing people's humanity and knowing that well, what John did was egregious.

It was horrible. It was illegal. It was awful. I challenged. Anybody to think about something that they haven't done, that they would be embarrassed to have them the 10 o'clock news. Now, not that not what he did, but something that you've done. Like we, we that's, that's the, that's a nature of being human.

And so [01:38:00] there was something for me that I've been able to access this compassion and this empathy. I've trained myself to do that. As a matter of fact, the research, this model, my book thoughtfully fit that we designed it. It was solidified five days before John's arrest. Thoughtfully, officially came to life on Saturday, on Thursday, he was arrested.

And when my attorney said, don't talk to anybody about anything, I became ground zero to now test drive thoughtfully fit in the marketplace. And one of the things that you do with thoughtfully fit at the core is pause. I think, and then act. So even when that mom said to me, if I find out you had anything to do with, if there's any pictures or video of my daughter I'm sending them off to my house.

In that moment, David, I was able to access because I had been working in training and practicing to engage my core. Just [01:39:00] like physically, I work hard to be fit mentally. I was enabled and able in that moment to pause, to take a breath now immediately, my thoughts went to, are you kidding me? Right? Like I immediately that's what happens.

That's my humanity. I was, I was like angry and shocked and pissed and all that. You're like, I hope the FBI's recording this conversation. Your husband's next.

I was able to pause and just think, think, think slow down, Darcy, think breathe. Okay. What's happening. This is not like her. She's a friend. This is out of character. This is scary. Oh, her daughter was at our house a lot under John's supervision without me. She's scared. She's in mama bear mode. She's this isn't personal to me.

Right. So in that moment, being able to slow it down to pause, to think I could access empathy and [01:40:00] compassion. And instead of lashing out at her in anger, I was able to act and say, oh my gosh, I know I can tell you're scared. I'm scared too. Right. And so there's something with John that I was also able to access.

You have a problem. You have a problem who you are is a good person. And God loves all of us every center. He does not say what sins he doesn't have, right. Sin as a sin. And so I, I just, I could see John's goodness, through all of this. I lived his goodness. I lived watching him raise these daughters poor, incredible.

I watched him make food for me and do support [01:41:00] me in being able to live my dream. So just because he had an action that was horrendous, did not negate any of the good that he did. And I was able to separate that and I was able to not erase all of the good, and that was also an important part of my process of forgiveness.

Living and leading with anger and that's a very mature, high level classy mindset. And that's how God made you. And that's the experiences in life events. That's why you go from your childhood up. So you were developed in a way as ready as you could be to handle this because most people, you know, 98 out of a hundred are going to lash back, but you had the composure employees to think with empathy.

How is this person feeling? So, and also I want to just highlight, like, yes, there's a part of [01:42:00] DNA in who I am, but I worked hard to strengthen that muscle. Like I got a hundred percent you play how you practice and you practice hard to play in that maturely. So now what about take us from that moment you meet him in the prison.

He, you finally get to talk to your own husband. Okay. Bring us through today. Where's your relationship today? What's going on in your life? Is John out of prison yet? I don't believe he is based on the time, but what's going on between then to now. Yeah. So then to now the girls and I went to visit him regularly till COVID hit.

And then obviously that all shut down. They went back to, came back here, came back to school. They are owning and at peace they have forgiven their dad. He, because of the new evidence that was found, his attorney went back [01:43:00] to the judge and his sentence was reduced by 36 months or something. And then combine that with time off for good behavior and a special program.

He went through, he has been released into a halfway house. He was at the halfway house. He now has been released from the halfway house and is still on probation and is we're. We're like newly in this process of navigating. This next phase as a like how, how do I co-parent with an ex-husband who has no, I have a hundred percent full custody.

So legally he has no right to these children and yet all of the child psychologists and the therapists that I met with, which was all a lot said that if your children are not in harm, If they are not at risk, [01:44:00] it's always better for them to have a relationship with an incarcerated parent. And so I've worked hard to give the girls the chance to have the relationship that they want with their dad.

If they want to have one and they have both chosen to and you did get a formal divorce to at least to protect assets, and there's so many complications, people will never think about, you can still love your husband and even continue in a relationship, but sometimes on paper you have to get a divorce these days because the system's so broken.

So right now he betrayed me. Oh yeah, no, no, no, no. Is there a way, right. So like, and I think that also was an important part of my process to forgive him is that I set a boundary and found my power and spoke my truth. And I said, I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm betrayed. I'm disappointed. I said all those things. [01:45:00] I spoke my truth.

We got a divorce. I set a boundary. Right. I mean, so I think had I not done all of those things and I, and I, it's interesting as I've been reflecting a lot on, as people are, are sort of like, how can you forgive somebody who did something that awful? And so I've been really trying to deconstruct that and to really process and think how, how, because I really truly amend a place of peace and forgiveness.

It's not like, I'm just saying it I'm going through the motions. I have no reason to say it. And so I'm trying to figure out and break down, like what, what has contributed to that? If somebody is wanting to get to forgiveness and they can't, what are the things I think that was an important part of my process and journey was setting a boundary and speaking my truth and being really crystal clear.

If I hadn't, I think I'd be resentful. I'd be bitter. I'd be angry. I'd be stuffing these feelings that would be leaching out in different ways. [01:46:00] Yes. And that's human nature. That's human nature. And that's, I'm glad that you found that piece and set those boundaries because it's huge. Or you would have just kept perpetuating the cycle and the pain.

So we went through a lot. If you have the time, I want to cover one more question in this segment. It's just like, we talked a lot about the piece. We talked a lot about the forgiveness, but quickly, even though it's so important, but people can reach out to you or we're going to give you time to share and how people can connect with you.

But what were some of the things that during these years you're like, man, what a blessing? What a gift from God that like kept me sane. What were the things that if people are in this, they can look for. Or if people are watching someone going through trauma like this, they can say, this is how I can help.

What are some of those key moments or gestures that people that God used to help you through people? [01:47:00] Such a powerful question. So I'm going to lead with a second, which is if somebody is listening or watching and they have somebody in their life, that's going through a trauma, what advice would I have or insights.

And I'm going to just share something very practical because I think. Is a model that can be very helpful. It's called the ring theory. So this is not my theory, and I should know the people who created it. And I'm so sorry. You can Google bring theory, but basically the link in the show notes. Okay, perfect.

Because I want to give credit to them. Basically. It says the person who is at the center of the trauma it goes in the center of the ring. So, so in this case, with my example, it would, it would be me. And then the next ring out of it is the next person who is closest in the trauma. So it'd be my daughters.

Then the next ring might be John's parents and my parents, and then the next ring. [01:48:00] Right? So you kind of am identify where you fit, where you in the ring. And so when, if, if there's what people are watching and they have somebody who's gone through the trauma, first thing they do is identify where are you in the ring?

What ring are you in? And you support. In dump out. So anybody who's in a smaller ring than you, you support them, you love them. You give them compassion, you support them, anybody who's in your ring or bigger, you can dump, you can vent, you can say, how did he do this? So, so in other words, people who are in a bigger ring from me could not come to me and say, I mean, they did, but this is, this is the theory.

Say, Darcy, I can't believe John did the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And use me to get support because I'm at the center. They can do that with their friends, with their spouse, with others, Warren outer rings. And that was really helpful for me. And I wish there were people who could write. That's why I want to share this as much as I can, because [01:49:00] otherwise you're looking to get support in your dumping part with somebody who you just need to love them and support them and ask, what do you need?

Does that make sense, David? Did I explain that? Well, Yes, a hundred percent. If you're on the outside looking in, sometimes you just gotta be quiet. Sometimes you just cry with them or you just be there holding their hand. You may not say anything for hours, but when you're coming to a circumstance, it's, there's no textbook for every circumstance is different.

Sometimes just ask them what do you need? And when you're watching do things that you know, they need, and it is like, you mentioned the gutters. If you're watching somebody going through a husband or wife and they're in chemo treatment, you really think they need to be mowing their lawn. Right. Then, I mean, maybe for some people, they like mowing their lawn, it's therapeutic, but for most people it's just one more hassle.

Yeah. Go fricking, mow their lawn or [01:50:00] hire somebody to do it. If you really want to help put your money where your mouth has put your effort and time where your mouth is. But Yeah. I mean, I think that's what you were saying is just look around beautifully said, and, and some of the things you just named, like, I, one day had a friend drop off a couple of bags of groceries and just left them on the front step, drove away, texted me and said, go get them right.

She didn't ring the doorbell, come in, you know, need to be in my space. It was so respectful. It was so incredible. It was like, cause I, I didn't, I was in a place of hibernating and I was right. It was like, oh my God, I, and I, of course she didn't know. I didn't say, can you get me groceries? She didn't know I was substaining on crap and not eating and not sleeping.

It was so kind, it was so wonderful. So, and, and so yes. And there's a certain part of my process where I couldn't answer, I didn't know the answer. I didn't have the capacity. And so there did [01:51:00] come a point where I could then say, yeah, I need help. Could you pick up the girls? Cause I'm a single parent and you know, or could you, whatever, but you beautifully underscored some great tips.

Yeah. So, well, Darcy, I appreciate you being on the show and there's so much more of this story. So listen, again, I'm not trying to pimp a book, but if you want to learn more or just, you know, want to read about Darcy story thoughtfully fits the book. And like she said, it's a process. Whether you're in business or personal, just everyday growth, it doesn't have to be serious trauma.

It's a great book, but Darcy between your birth and today, is there anything else we missed that you want to cover or hit on before we wrap up the episode and getting to where you are today and where are you going? The main thing that I want to highlight is that wherever you are in your journey, whether you are in the [01:52:00] deep despair, can't see the light, whether you are on the other side of a trauma, trying to heal, whether you are, you know, in a business, there's no trauma, but you're just like, oh my God, I don't know how to break through to get to the next level, like wherever you are to the number one thing that helps is self-awareness.

And so continue to invest in whatever resources you need to be able to uncover. How, how am I feeling? What do I need? What's hard. What are the obstacles for me early on? It was journaling and then it was getting a therapist and then it was getting a coach. Just like you don't have to go it alone. And the more you can.

Face, whatever it is and increase your awareness. Your self-awareness like this is what's hard. This is where I'm at the better. You're able to figure out the tools you need to fix the problem you have to get to the [01:53:00] other side. And so it would've been, it would've been very easy for me to put my head in the sand, to pick up the girls and move to write off.

John never speak to him again. Nobody would have ever second guessed it. If I never talked to him again and wrote him off and we moved to Montana and started over and, and, and for somebody who has done that, there's no. Yet there's a, there's a cost to that to, to, to sort of, you know, buckling down and living in a hole and putting your head in the sand.

I believe stepping into the curiosity and raising awareness and, and for me, part of that journey has been how, how did I kitten or relationship with somebody who did this? Like, so that as I'm at the place of dating again, and I'm excited to start to like date and find a new partner, I'm trying to raise awareness of like, what are the red flags for me so that I can make [01:54:00] conscious choices in finding a life partner or dating that don't repeat the cycle that don't repeat the problems, the things that brought me to where I was.

So I, I think, and that's hard and that's why I want to just highlight that. Cause that takes courage. It's scary. It's hard. And yet I think I advocate for. I think it's so important. 100%. There's so many people, you hear the stories of the ho the man or the woman. They keep getting the same type of abusive relationship over and over again.

It's because even though it's terrible, they find comfort in knowing what to expect. It's familiar to them. So for you to search and to see what did I see in John? What was good and what was dysfunction that even the dysfunction, maybe you're attracted to, that's super wise for [01:55:00] you, for me, for all of our listeners.

So that's well said, thank you. Yeah. I love that. What, what did I, what did I not see? And I, I, yeah, like what in the dysfunction was I attracted to? Oh my God. That's like embarrassing to admit you and it's. My humanity. It's part of my faults. We all have faults. That's that's okay. That's that's that's okay, right?

Yeah, no, I mean, it's just, we're on a journey and when we finally get it right, we'll be an eternity. So it's, it's one of those things that just do your best each day, but definitely take into account, not just your strengths, but the weaknesses, you know, what do we need to worry about? Like, I'm not going for a hike in the woods by himself, by myself.

You know why I have no navigational sense called die. I will die in the woods. So I'm gonna take somebody with me. Who's really good at navigation. And that's a very silly illustration, [01:56:00] but if you get into relationships and you consistently meet the wrong person, you better ask people. You can trust to start filtering through your dates because you need to make the ultimate choice with.

But at the same time, you're blind in some area. So until you can get that car back did rely on people that have a strength to see, you know, some people just have great BS filters. They can look at somebody one time. They're not being judgmental, but they're using the gifts. God given them, they have good judgment and they can say scumbag or Saint, just like that.

Those are great friends to have. I mean, that's great. And also it's not only any, yes. That's a perfect example. And it may show up at work. Why do I keep getting the same job that I'm, you know, not being treated well, why can I never get a promotion? Why? Right. If you just notice, what are the patterns in your life?

That's going to give you new awareness to be able then to make some different choices. [01:57:00] Yeah. So let's get to this Darcy, where are you today? Where are you going? How can we help you get there? Oh my gosh. Thank you. So. Where I am today, we just launched literally April 1st, the thoughtfully fit gym, which is a place that online community where you can go to work out your mind, work out your thoughts to train, to be able to handle yourself thoughtfully.

It supports all the concepts that I outlined in the thoughtfully fit book. I'm doing my business is flourishing, which is incredible coming off of COVID and coming off of this where I was devastated and financially ruined I've I feel, I feel blessed and I've worked hard. It's it's not just being blessed.

I've worked hard to be able to get to this place. So doing a lot of keynotes team retreats, executive coaching it training on communication and how to be thoughtfully fit in your life. Right. [01:58:00] It's my passion. I am a mom and love. My daughters are sassy, fun, independent teenagers. And we're continuing to learn and grow together and we're figuring out how to navigate this next phase, which we don't always do well or do.

Right. And we are in the messy part of that, which is okay too. So that's, that's sort of high level where I'm at with the paperback version of thoughtfully fit comes out in may. And so we're super excited about that for people who want the book at a lower price point. So right now it's just the hard cover version is out well.

That's great. So we have a lot of people who are going to want to reach out and communicate with you. Maybe some business owners, leaders who want coaching. What's the best way to reach you. Yeah. So if my website, Darcy loma.com has a contact page, it's got all of our [01:59:00] email, phone number, all our social media channels where you, and you can poke around and you can read our blogs.

You can watch every Thursday I've thought like that Thursday videos. There's tons of content on there. And then if anybody's interested in learning more about thoughtfully fit there, if you go to thoughtfully fit.com, there's a free quiz you can take. So the book is structured around the six biggest hurdles that get in the way of being successful.

And so you can take that quiz and find out which hurdle is your biggest and then get some strategies to overcome it. And then if you take the quiz, you'll be signed up to get our newsletter that comes out twice a month, that has tips and tricks and vignettes and stories to go deeper to, to really be thoughtful.

Yeah. Well, thank you so much, Darcy. You truly are a remarkable woman. Your story's remarkable. And I know you're going to connect and help a lot of people you already have, and this is hopefully just going to continue it to glorify [02:00:00] God, help others help you. And it's just a beautiful thing. So thank you for being on the show today.

You know, I'm so grateful, David, and I just have to say, you have clearly found your calling in, I mean, I know this is one piece of what you do, but you're just curious and present and safe. And I really enjoyed our conversation and appreciate the opportunity to go deep. I've never done an interview this long and it just feels like it was so spacious that we could explore some of these nooks and crannies that I, that I don't ever talk about.

So thank you for that opportunity. Oh no, it's my honor. And pleasure. And thank you for your kindness. So. Hopefully we'll hook up for another episode, I in a separate podcast and we'll go deeper or just catch up and continue the conversation. So yeah. So ladies and gentlemen, we love you. Thank you for being here today, Darcy and I are here to help you reach out to us any way we can.

[02:01:00] We will, but like our slogan says, don't just listen to this great content that Darcy shared with you today. Do it repeated each day, the good stuff. So you can have a great life in this world and attorney to account. So I'm David Pascoe alone. This was Darcy Loma. Thank you for joining us for the podcast.

Share it with your friends and let's just grow together. Ciao.

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